Saturday, December 22, 2012

From Fan to Follower

I love talking to B. We share this magnetic energy that defies location and time. A semi alternate universe where we commence with God in the middle and reality swirling around. 

We have the most amazing ideas that are birthed through two hour conversations. Intimate conversations. We share with no inhibitions. Words form and flow like cool water on a summer day. Sunny words, bright words, truthful words. Topics ranging from love lost to theology to community to politics to mothers to sisters and back again. 

And it is out of these conversations a follower was born.

One must at some point wave the white flag of surrender and let go. Release fear and excuse. And walk swiftly into that gentle place where desire and passion wait for each dreamer. 

Though Langston explored a dream deferred, I desire to explore a dream capitalized and awakened to reality showing the world the fruit of its labor.

Saturday, November 17, 2012


Recently I did something I have never done; deleted contacts out of my phone. For some reason I have convinced myself all of the 294 contacts in my phone really have some poignant value in my life.

It was weird; almost as if the act was some death-defying stunt. I picked up the phone...held it in my shaking hand, scrolled to the first name, pulled up the menu and then locked eyes with the delete button. It started back like an old school playground bully....I wish you would make any sudden move. At first I complied. Quickly tossed the phone on the bed and walked to the kitchen. Yeah this was going to be major.

JW (pronounced JayDUB) is one of the best things to have happened to my teaching career. We've bonded over planning and grading. Laughed over my oddities and his peculiarities. We make a dynamic teaching team. He was the motivation for the deletion. His minimalistic lifestyle is much admired. Spurred by his love of traveling, he only has in his life what he needs. Even his attitude is carefree, not to be confused with careless; his heart can soften the hardest stone. Not that I desire to be like him; I desire to partake in life. Too often I am cluttered with unnecessary burdens. Picking up nick-knacks that sit in corners covered in layers of dust in less then a month.

If it adds no value to my journey it must go.

Delete one. Tiffany zero. The connection to these contacts was deep rooted in a juvenile discomfort of self. I never really had many friends. However, forward progression, at this point, can't be hampered by past nonsense. We all must, pardon the bluntness--grow the eff up. Let it go. You ten years ago does not have to be you now. operations without worry.

I grabbed the phone and got throwback busy. If I hadn't talked to the contact since my move, delete.

At the end of my adventure, I whittled down the 294 to 113. And as I type, 17 more found their way to the deletion button.

96, friends, business contacts. Value, meaning, worth.

Though I am far from JW's level of clarity, I am one step closer to better than I was yesterday.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Tainted Fruit

The current drive has been an interesting ride, to say the least. Already leery of the journey, I came into it kicking and screaming. Why? My proceeding words may shock many; my bark is much louder than my bite. I have this invisible and offend unrealistic expectation for all children to behave like angels with an allowable mishap every now and then. My behavior management plan sucks, quite frankly and it is duly noted since teaching year one! One would think by now, I have perfected a system, well, I sort of have; teach adults! Yep the classic avoidance mechanism and it worked well for me, until I landed in front of 80 sixth graders; what's a teacher to do?

I did what many of us do; allow our insecurities to proceed with more control and power than what they are worth.

So what do I do now? STOP EATING THE DAMN FRUIT!

Contrary to popular belief it is as easy to do as it is said.  I realize something is in this ride for me much more than what my original intentions and to get to that more I just gotta stop. Stop complaining. Stop crying. Stop relying on my own plans and trust in the creation.

I am by no means promoting easily living; life is and will always be complex and often complicated, however some things I can live without.

Determined to enjoy this ride, I am ready to teach sixth grade. I take full ownership of any shortcomings my students and I have experienced in our short time together and press the rest button. Success is abound and waiting on our arrival.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Forgotten

It has been too long since I have moved these fingers across this keyboard for the pure purpose of my own desire. I had forgotten myself. Somewhere between transitioning to Newark and teaching sixth grade I fell. Yep I fell. Into one of those Alice in Wonderland type holes--you know the ones when you wake weeks later and somehow catch a quick glimpse of yourself in slight moment when an exact ray shines your unrecognizable reflection before you. Yep one of those types of holes. 

The best part of falling which honestly most overlook, is the getting back up. The process of moving in the upward motion causes one to notice every single motion involved in the act. Whether it slowing placing palms down and pushing up or arching one's back to straighten for necessary support or firmly rising to one's knees; the fact is you feel it all. And again seldom do we appreciate it. Not me. Not this time. This time, I felt every fiber of my being rise and get up. It was the best moment of falling that I have ever had. 

Being wrapped up in this move was one cause of the fall. To say this move has been easy would be a lie. It's challenges were more difficult because I had become exactly what I was not meant to be--comfortable. We, none of us, were not meant to become complacent in action. I had a great job for 10 years--no need to move, or so I thought because all that I needed had been provided for there. Yet there is a such place ever the land refuses to give back because it has been overworked. Sure it will give you what it has been giving you, but that doesn't mean it has reached it's best yield.

I did what I did well, but there was more and here I am dealing with the fact that my good wasn't good enough because there was always more for me. That's hard! To accept you are the reason for the difficulty. You are you own stumbling block. It was you all along. Falling helped to see. See there is really no such thing as lose--losing means gaining more. Knowing these things helped me to get up from the fall. Quite odd, isn't it? The move made me fall and helped me to get up.

So here I am teaching sixth grade in Newark (I survived my first Hurricane! Maybe I will write about it) and having a revelation about life. My life. My dream. My desire. My love. My passion. My spirit. Myself. And honestly I can say that I am learning to love the struggle. It is in the struggle that I am being made in the human being God desires me to be. I had forgotten that I have the ability to create my outcomes. Because I know what the end can be, I must make the moment right now for the end to come into existence. 

I'm determined to make this moment. My poignant this is so vast it encompasses enough to never be forgotten.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Between Here and There

Hello all! I know, I know. I have been M.I.A. for quite some time now. I wish it was as a result of  some intensive adventure that required me to perform a MacGyver move with a paperclip and a rubber band. For those of you post 80's babies, Google him! But so much has happened since we last communed. . .
  1. Moved out east
  2. Joined Teach For America
  3. Paid $12 numerous times to drive through the Holland Tunnel
  4. Sat in NYC traffic for almost 3 hours
  5. Gave one of the speeches at the TFA NYC Institute Closing Ceremony
  6. Started MP (the new school I'm teaching at) 
 And the list could go on and on with the good and the challenge mixed in. My goal is to share my world--specifically my summer journey, but as I sit here at midnight unable to sleep digress to more pressing matters. Summer is ending and I am loving living here. I don't miss home, though sometimes the comforts of home are greatly desired--I am using every moment to build my own home here in Jersey. I would love to stay here for some time. And am learning how to make the community my own.

But at this very moment at I am here and rather be there. Not home per se, but there. A place in my mind that seems to be defying existence. I want to be there. The aura of there longs for my mire presence. It's special, cozy in design, labored in creation; a space for me. Where my thoughts are regarded with value and graced with truth. My voice speaks with a soft spoken authoritative melody. Lulling the passer-by to yet hold tight to his dreams while reclaiming his value in life.

I see there. A place where the focus of the circle is I give out every part of me it is return with fervent passionate smiles, willing hearts, and open hands....

I never cease to steal a moment to myself to envision there. And each time it out grows its original becomes more elaborate in simplistic peace---I don't need the gigantic luxury. I just need room in there to move and grow as I please.

There is never disappointing and its always arrives at the right time....maybe I will encounter there sooner than what I expect. Maybe it will make a transition from a space in my mind to a place within my lifetime....but for now I will keep moving forward in here...  

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Race Matters

I am bound to upset some with my words within this post, but it is to be expected. I can not apologize for my perception of truth nor will remain silent. I fully understand that the court of man has no judgment on my final destination so I aim to please no one. I stand in agreement that we all have the right to disagree on certain matters.

So I say with full conviction in my voice, race matters.  Living in one of the greatest nation in the world, race matters. This is not a new conclusion in my heart; I have know this fact all my life. Someone somewhere everyday reminds me I am Black. This fact I can't escape or forget and frankly I desire not to. I love the skin I am in and the culture and connection that comes along with its identity. The shades of Black are truly beautiful in my eyes. I see who I am in a positive illuminating light of confidence and intelligence. I am in no way deny the beauty of my Black. What has been deemed a curse is a blessing I carry with pride.

So the question becomes why does race matter? That answer comes with several complexities which stem from a painful past entrenched in harsh divisions squarely based on race. No science. No first had experience. Just assumptions. The assumptions that the lighter your skin the better. 

Unfortunately these assumptions have not changed. 2012 has brought us new methods of blurring the disdain for those of a different shade, yet it is mainstream and acceptable. We just call it by different names--boundaries, funding, standardized tests, employment policies. Media has furthered the assumptions with  negative words only shown in darker skin tone. In turn the common man digests this mis-information as the norm. They connect destruction with race and call it culture, specifically culture of those of darker skin tones. And thus the cycle of corrupt thoughts continues. 

One wants to believe the cycle will end, yet it takes more than belief. It takes maturity and action. Maturity to recognize the issue does exist and action to make strides to make it happen less.  

Wake-up, we have NOT arrived into the dream...

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Unexpected Places

It is in the unexpected that we learn the most. Yesterday was a true testiment to that statement. I decided to treat my nephews Buddy and NeNe to a movie after we did some shopping (of course they bugged me to buy these little cheap expensive toys that broke the moment we got home). Not wanted them to fall asleep on me during a movie--they are little dudes--6 and 4 yrs old, I opted with MIB 3 versus 2 hr 20 min long Avengers movie though the wanted to see the Hulk and Ironman. Once at the theater popcorn and lemonade quickly got their mind off and the Avengers and we settled in to watch Will Smith do his thing.

Now I have to admit, I am def not a 100% Will Smith fan. Sure I know all the words to Summer Time, and the intro to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and I may have even walked the first MIB right along with the rest of you, but as a grown woman he's not necessarily my cup of tea. But hey, I was with my boys so it didn't matter.

The movie had it's share of laughs, I mean real laugh out loud. But one line by a character named Griffin hit me center mass. Griffin is an alien who is able to see all possible futures. While trying to help the agents save the world he states, the bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie. I was stunned. Stunned. Who would expect such weighted words! But they stuck to me. Hit my heart quicker than a break-up. I quickly grabbed my cell and made a note of it and have been thinking of those worlds since. 

I have heard some of the sweetest lies that dripped honey from the liar's tongue and drizzle syrupy sticky down my ear. Made me smile from ear to ear it did. Forget all notions of truth. Bury all inhibitions of truth six feet down. Deny that urge in my gut with justification. Yes I knew it was a lie. We know a lie at the moment it is told yet we love a lie at the moment it is told. In the long run maybe not so much, but in the temporal, we believe the lie because we desperately want to see the hope survive. Hope to see the good we desire for all to come to past. 

But those sweet lies only bring an end to great lives. We must learn to accept the truth no matter how bitter the pill may be to swallow. The crazy thing about the truth is that it must prevail in order for greatness to exist. I won't spoil the movie, but had the agents not listened to Griffin and told the truth the future would have been drastically altered. 

Allow the truth to kill the lie so that you can live. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Welcome to America. . . .

Currently Frank Ocean is spinning in the CD changer in my car. He's gotta fresh voice and lyrics to match. His love songs are intimate yet shallow at the same time. One of his hottest tracks, American Wedding sets on the Eagles Hotel California sample--that song alone takes me back to EC's bowling alley...ahhh memories..okay back to Ocean...yeah. I'm blasting it for the umpteenth time on the way home; drowning out of the guitar licks and focusing on the lyrics...

I took a walk with the palm trees as the daylight fell
Sangria in a canteen
Talking to myself
This tattoo on my left hand
Is turning purple-ish blue
Daydreams of the romance
Daydreams of you
My pretty woman in a ballgown
I'm Richard Gere in a tux
Getting married in a courthouse
Writing vows in a rush
Making out before the judge
With my teenage wife
Got a wedding band done
That I just might die with

It's an American wedding
They don't mean too much
But we were so in love
We had an American wedding
Now what's mine is yours
That's American law

Now I'm sure Mr. Ocean had something specific on his mind when composing these words and being just an appreciator of great music, I can only speak of my intent. I can't help to think of the deterioration of the state of relationships...especially marriage, do they really not mean much? Have little girls and boys been dreaming an impossible dream? Or has the dream lived too long in fantasy and little boys and girls who become young men and women can't distinguish the dream from reality??

I question this about many things in life, marriage only being one of them. Do we really understand the difference between fantasy and reality? Sure we can regurgitate several aphorisms right now. . . all that glitter ain't gold, good things come to those who wait, yeah yeah yeah but what's the point if they are only words? Statistically ain't nobody listening--half of those who marry get divorced within less than 3 years. Folks marry and divorce like they change undies...daily. 

But marriage is just one area of our lives we live haphazardly about. We do the same with our education. We start and stop and then through away opportunities only to live to adulthood and wish we would have pushed forward in spite of the anthill in our way. 

M-r- s dot Kennedy
She signed her name in pen
In a fancy fancy cursive
Then turned her term papers in
A thesis on Islamic virgin brides and arranged marriage
Hijabs and polygamist husbands
Those poor unamerican girls
After school she ran to me
Jumped in my 5.0
This is the home of the brave
Land of the free
But your parents still didn't know
She said I've had a hell of a summer
So baby
Don't take this hard
But maybe we should get an annulment
Before this goes way to far

It's just an American wedding
They don't mean too much
They don't last enough
We had an American wedding
Now what's mine is yours
American divorce

Well you can have my mustang
That's all I've got in my name
But Jesus Christ don't break my heart
This wedding ring won't ever wipe off
But if you stay
Girl if you stay
You'll probably leave later anyway
It's love made in the U.S.A.

How do we get to a place where it does matter and does have meaning? How do we get to a place where love truly lasts for a life time.....

Friday, May 11, 2012

Chasing a Shadow

I've been a wreck this week. I have come to the reality that I am leaving. Leaving my job of 10 years, my family, friends. My home. It's not like when I left for college. Then I knew I was returning home soon. Soon could have been the weekend, a school break, the summer, etc. Throughout my collegiate career I knew I where home was and knew how to easily get there. Yet this leave places me in a variety of unknowns. Sure I will have the privilege of frolicking around New York City for five weeks, but it won't be home.

I am in a new position in my life where I have to create the is concept of home for myself. I truly must define these parameters myself. The task, monumental to say the least, seems daunting at the moment. So much that I have tried not to think of it, yet that is all I find myself thinking of. These logistics juxtaposed the emotional aspects have left me in tears all week. In my misty eyes my heart is heavy; the causal on-looker my not notice but those with depth most likely see the sag.

Bittersweet. Bittersweet explains it best.

Where I go from here and how I get there is a mystery. I just know that when the day comes I will arrive ready. My journey has prepared me for that moment. I am learning that I must give in to the moment. I can't hold a moving object still.

I must keep chasing the I move it moves...a continuous motion....

Friday, April 27, 2012

I Interrupt the Normal Blogcast . . . It Isn't Enough

Lately my posts have been few and far between, not on purpose, per se. I mean it's purpose because I haven't posted, yet it's not like I didn't want to. I would love to post at least every other day, but most times I honestly run out of words. It seems like a fluke that me, the teacher and writer would run out of words but I do. Told by a great writer, Nikki Giovanni, there is no such thing as writer's block, just a lack of information, (got a chance to meet her in undergraduate--what an honor!) I must get informed. 

Admittedly I don't know enough. No matter the subject, I don't know enough. It is not my desire to know all; I just want to know enough.  Not enough quick information to hold a conversation and impress the crowd, but enough to actually feel informed and knowledgeable on the matter to share its content and glory. Sure I know some academic subject matter--but what I know is not enough. Enough to reproduce succession of change in those who I encounter repeatedly. 

By no means do I doubt my calling. I was created to do this teacher gig. In the depths of my being it rumbles to be feed and to be free. Though I believe tradition interpretations have limited some of my ability, this is the place for me. I classroom I will never leave. It fits me just right. 

Nor do I doubt my sustenance. I am well equipped for the ride. What is need has already been stored within me. Now is the time for it to merge itself and activate. It is my birthright to grow. I shall be remiss if I dare stop growing when someone willing shed blood for my life. The mere fact that I wake daily yes is a blessing but is not enough. Growth is required of me. Demanded of me. I have yet to reach the level of satisfactory existence and doubt if I ever. I cannot sleep on this post for I haven't acquired enough to simply just rest in the shade. There is room--though plenty have come, and gone, and accepted the call, yet there is enough room for more. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

It's All in the Conversation: What You Speakin'?

It has been almost two weeks since my last post and I definitely can "feel" it. When I drive I hear a voice that says, you need to write. Right before I fall asleep I hear it again. I can no longer put it aside: I must write. I yield.

I shared awhile back that some of my greatest ideas come from my pastor. I guess I kind of bootleg his sermons!! No I really don't but when he speaks his words create new ideas that I think everyone should hear. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have access to uplifting and building information. For so long we have been told what the problem was but never how to remedy it. Others are always quick to point out areas of our lives that need improvement, yet few can assist you in the fixing or yet alone point you in the right direction.

In my 20's I always wanted to be better and I honestly sought out ways to remedy ill situations most times to no avail. If only I knew then what I know now, well I did. The problem was I didn't know how to use the many tools that I have to better my life and even the lives of those around me. 

One of our greatest tools for a successful and fruitful life are the words we speak. Despite they nursery rhyme you repeated as a child, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" words do cause harm. In fact we kill ourselves and others with our mouths daily. Our words are snares, trapping ourselves from capitalizing on our potential. When our words fail us, we out of anger web others with continual negativity. 

Our words were never meant to cause harm but were meant to bring fresh water to dry situations. For so long we have trained ourselves to disregard our words so we don't truly know who we are or who we can be. Our individual potential to succeed is monumental! And we must begin to speak our present and future to ourselves.  It all starts with the words you speak. We must begin to turn our negative speak into positive words of life. Yes it is that simple. Once we begin to speak in the affirmative, we begin to regain lost confidence and new task become easier to accomplish. 

And the same applies for those in our circle. Yes like minds associate. Remove yourself from the negative conversations at home, work, and play. It you want better surround yourself by better. We must learn to once again be men and women of our words.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Rules of Life

I know, I know. I been MIA for a minute...between packing and moving (moved in with moms until I leave in June) I didn't get much of anything done. And I have to do this only to do it again! But my NJ move won't be as strenuous. All I gotta move to NJ is a couple of suitcases of clothes. Buying all new when I get then and some stuff will be shipped to me. Anywho--let's get to the gettin--what you came here for!! This post was birthed out of a conversation with the bestie--yeah the one who ran into the closed screen door that she thought was opened!! (If you missed that one, read the last post--it's definitely worth it)

So many times we hoped & prayed a magic instruction booklet to guide us through our life journey. At 32 yrs. old I don't claim to know all the answers, but I do believe I have enough wisdom & experience to share. Though our situations may be packaged differently on the outside, many of us are dealing with the same issues at the core. So here are my top 50 rules, in no particular order, while navigating through this journey. 

  1. Seek truth at all cost. Even when it hurts the truth is necessary for growth & success.
  2. Be anxious for nothing for nothing quick is ever satisfying.
  3. Your parents were correct; two wrongs don't make a right. Fire plus fire equals more fire; you solve nothing when the two of you are burnt to a crisp.
  4.  Never stop dreaming of what could be even when you are working on making it a reality.
  5. Truly don't put off until tomorrow what you could be doing today.
  6. Don't confuse emotions with truth. Feelings lie.
  7. Take time during important decisions to make the right choice. If anyone is pressuring you to decide like they want you to, walk away. 
  8. Your light truly is not just for you alone. Someone is always watching your signal and following the path you have illuminated for them.
  9. Crack truly is WACK!
  10. What you like at 18 will change at 21. What you like at 21 will change at 25. 
  11. It's not how you fall; it's how you get back up.
  12. Humility is a low road but one well worth traveling.
  13. It is impossible to live this journey alone; everybody needs somebody. 
  14. Good friends refuse to lie to you just to spare your feelings.
  15. Reading is truly fundamental. Read a book as often as you can.
  16. That saying "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten" is a lie! If you learned it you would know it and do it--ain't buying the hype.
  17. Laughter is a necessity to great health; take it daily.
  18. Don't be afraid to cry when you deem it necessary.
  19. Just because it's justifiable doesn't mean it's always right.
  20. Every lose is really a gain. 
  21. NEVER stop growing. When one ceases to grow he dies.
  22. Death doesn't mean life ends.
  23. Always expect the great.
  24. You are worthy of every great thing large and small. 
  25. Never willing relinquish your power of choice to anyone.
  26. Live with no regrets.
  27. No. You don't need anyone to complete you. 
  28. You can't change people; only God can.
  29. Everybody has at least one good quality you can praise him/her for.
  30. My language is no indication of my intelligence--don't assume you know anything by the way one speaks.
  31. Money doesn't mean happiness but it does make some things in life much easier when you have a lot of it.
  32. Don't believe the hype; always find out for yourself. 
  33. The mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. Get educated--something no one can ever take from you.
  34. Quality conversation is something to be treasured.
  35. Don't put your relationship business on ANY social media network--Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Mobli, etc, 
  36. Shorts and/or dresses that are the same length of your underwear should be avoided at all cost. It ain't cute.
  37. Follow your gut. If something is telling you it's not right, it's not right.
  38. Know when to fight your battles. Some things are not worth the energy. Gracefully concede and be ready for the continuation of the war.
  39. Sometimes you can even baffle yourself...just give it a try. 
  40. Divorce fear; it has no place in your life. 
  41. Sometimes standing for what is right means standing alone. Don't fear one can put several to flight. 
  42. Be grateful for what you do have; somebody always has it worse.
  43. Dare to do something different.
  44. Give--time, talent, love, peace, a smile...doesn't always have to be money, but if you have that give it too.
  45.  Travel (outside of the US too) and have some fun!
  46. Complain less---don't nobody wanna hear it anyway.
  47. Being you ain't easy, but it's much more pleasing than trying to be somebody else.
  48. If your conversation leads to the problem shut up and be quiet.
  49. Changing you starts with changing the way you speak. Start training yourself to speak in the affirmative and watch your actions follow.
  50. Love is a action word. It requires you to do something. 
There it is! The list of all lists!!! Now go and make the world a better place! 

Monday, April 2, 2012

Ahhh Memories

In honor of April Fool's Day I thought I would lighten the load and share some of my more humorous moments. Yes I love laughter and do it quite often. Laughter is truly great medicine.   I love spending time with the fam and have those unexpected moments of laughter. It is these moments that I will miss so much when I move to Jersey, but I will always have these memories.

  • On a trip back home from visiting one of the besties the other bestie and I were making our way one. She pulls up to my aunt and uncle's house. I get and walk to the house and she follows about 2 mins later. I go in the house and leave the door open but the screen door closed. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she really didn't see the screen. Either way she walked right in the screen door!!! 
  • Kids say the darnest things, really they do. My aunt was rocking my little 2 year old cousin Kyra to sleep after some rowdy moments. My aunt says..."I don't know Monie," talking to her daughter Montoya ..."she said she and spells out tired." Kyra goes yeah I t.i.r.e.d" and spells out tired too!! 
  • Most days I am glad I live alone. This day especially. I decided this day I was gonna wear a dress to church. I'm a jeans and a nice shirt kinda of gal. I love my jeans. But it was a nice day, sunny, not to hot so a dress was in order. I put my cute light purple dress on and metallic wedges on and head down the steps, yeah that didn't work out too well. I don't know if I just tripped on my shoe or stepped on something. Whatever the case may be,  I tumbled down the stairs. It was like a stunt scene from the movies. I literally rolled down the stairs! Thank God for the front door. It was the only thing that stopped me from rolling further! Lesson of the day...put your heels on downstairs!
  • Speaking of falls. This one has nothing to do with the fam or me, but is equally funny. I had someone come and appraise my home. All was well until the lady was about to leave and tripped over her own shoes and fell down the two front steps. She fell out of her shoes...they were still on the steps and she was face down on the concrete. Her children happened to be waiting in the car. They jump out and run up to her. One looks at her and says, "Mom...what the heck did you do now???" I quickly got her some peroxide, tissue, antibiotic ointment and a band-aid. Don't worry I waited until I retold the story the next day to laugh!!
  • Maybe about a year before my brother passed away the whole family went bowling. Mom often planned these types of activities so we could spend quality time together. But you gotta know my mom. She is uncoordinated at times. She laced up her shoes, picks out a bowling ball and then heads to the lane. It's her turn. She walks up and throws the ball.....backwards....yeah it didn't make it down the lane. It landed behind also on somebody's table. Happened so fast we couldn't even yell watch out!
  • Somehow a bat got into my house. Have NO clue how but it did. So my brother is sleeping in my room and he wakes up and says he hears something flapping. I come upstairs and look around. I don't see anything. So I kick him my room and call him crazy. So he goes in the other bedroom and goes back to sleep. But before he goes to sleep he shuts the door and place towels at the bottom of the door with intentions of whatever was in my room was not coming in the spare room. Long story short it was in the room he was in!! I was knocking on the door and yelling Dee, it's a bat, it's a bat. Dude jumps out of his sleep runs down the stairs and out the door. I never laughed so hard. We all were afraid of this little bat. Had to call my uncle over who brought his neighbor with him to get the bat!
So those are just tiny slivers of my humorous times. In all things we must take a moment to laugh. Yes life has very serious moments, but we must take to the time laugh along the way. It makes the ride that much easier. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Re-post: Tabla Rasa

I wrote this one back in August of 2011. I decided to repost it. It speaks to my desire to be new again.  . . . 

Every now and then small pieces of floating debris from college finds its way to regain my attention. I've been struggling all week to find my Stella at work. I did very little over the summer to make my transition into the school year smooth. So here I am scrambling to make it all work. But no fear, your girl always finds her stride right in it time.

Since the professional me was at a panic at the disco, so was the writer. I started two post; one pertaining to Teacherdom--the state of teaching, the other about lying. Yeah. I'm just not feelin' them now. For some reason they have digressed into mere matter. They have no stance in my heart at the moment. I have them saved just in case the fire is rekindled.

So back to college, before I wonder too far from my destination. Dr. Phelan was a fascinating man. Knowledge flowed from his lips like cold smooth water out the hose on a hot day. I loved his poli/sci class. I was especially captivated when he lectured on John Locke. Locke was a bad boy! His work definitely made me pay attention. And here I am thinking about the concept of gained knowledge and it hits me--blank slate. Locke's theory states that we are born with a blank slate and we become the author of our soul. Of course there's more to the theory than the brevity I have given it, but it is this part that I have been thinking on.

The given theory states we were born blank, so is it possible to return to this blank state? Of course man cannot re-enter his mother's womb, but can old knowledge be erased for new knowledge? I ponder this and more because I question if now my knowledge is sufficient. Do I actually possess the necessities to make forward progression? Isn't my forward progression predicated on my now knowledge? Is there more? More to have, more to gain, more to be?

Stay with me. I don't desire to place the new on the old for it will spoil the both. New things need new space to grow. You can't want new green grass by just throwing down some seed. The birds will ravish your stash and furthermore those new seed will land upon unprepared ground. If I clean my now slate, I can prepare for those new seeds to be spread, watered, and increased. With my new blank slate, I can experience those first moments yet again. The moment when I knew "this" was it. No matter what the “this” may be, it came with an undeniable expression of arrival. But moreover it is my desire for progression that drives me to be blank to gain MORE. I want "this" new to replace "this" old and broken. My now is not enough to take me where I desire to go. No specific destination, just forward.

Now I know you are thinking, if I remove my old to gain new isn't there a possibility that my new will be old again? Absolutely. Isn't that the beauty of life? You recognize when you need to stop and start all over again. It's the process of true maturity...the ability to digest sound doctrine.

So my rebirth is now....I forget what is behind me. I forget the sting of death for it has no victory. I forget the broken experiences of first love because it wasn't love at all. I forget mistakes and half steps that placed my name in true sentences that I only hoped would have been lies. I forget the losses and relish the greatness of the gains. I open my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul for the forward path of progression that was created just for me. No one can forger my path like I can.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Hard Questions? I Got Answers!

So why is it so hard for us to address ourselves? Why can't we ask ourselves these hard questions?? Don't worry if you're not sure what these hard questions are--let me help you out?

  1. Why do I stay when I know going would be the best option for me?
  2. Why do I constantly put others needs before my own? 
  3. Why do I blame others for my own screw ups?
  4. Why do I add my "but" to every conversation or when I go to apologize?
  5. Why do I always end up with the bad ones?
I figured I'd just start with five, don't want to overwhelm you. So let's just get right to good stuff!!

  1. You stay because of you allow yourself to believe the lie that your current almost is good enough for your present and your future.
  2. You believe that the value others place on you are more than your own. You seek to please others as a means to please self, when it fact it is by no means self serving. Now please don't confuse the this negative trait with that of selflessness. The difference is vast. When one is selfless, it is his/her desire to see the needs of others meet. It gives their heart great joy to be able to serve his/her fellow humans and meet the need. What the question refers to is one who does for others as a desire to be valued by others. A need to feel loved or wanted or worth. Those qualities must come from the inside out.
  3. A question we rarely ask ourselves but should in moments of frustration, confrontations, heartaches, and other situations of the like. No matter the ingredients you place in the pot, you are the water. Don't allow others to flavor or color you. You have a unique recipe. And if you make a mistake in your recipe, own up to it. The great part about it is that you can start all over again. It may be you need to remove the extras and get back to the basics. Set down with you and deal with you,
  4. This one is a continuation of the previous...time to deal with you. Who cares what others say and do; at the end of the day you must be accountable and responsible for you and your actions and behavior. Move your "buts," out of the way and deal with you. L-Boogie said it best--every tub must stand on its on bottom.
  5. Ahhh a question many men and women want to know the answer to. And by right it deserves mega attention and an honest answer. Though some may not want to hear the honesty in the answer, I'mma just put it out there..It all goes back to YOU. Yes we are the problem of our own misery. When we exit relationships we don't take time to focus on what part and/or role we play in the relationship and break up. Just because we see one great trait in the sea of several doesn't mean that relationship will work or those several will become as great as that one. We canNOT change people. We can encourage and support change but not make it happen. You get the bad ones because it is the bad ones that you choose. What something different, do something different with you
So I answered the hard questions. I know, I know. You might not want to hear my answers because they all start looking at the same person.....YOU. I mean, honesty we all have deal with the (wo)man in the mirror. Stop turning it around, and actually look into it this time. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Head Wounds: How Bad are You Injured?

I love my church family. They are so much a part of my life and I am grateful to have people who truly care about my well-being, especially my pastor. He is definitely a unique man--humble, knowledgeable and super humorous! He's quick to crack a joke and encourage you with his peaceful demeanor at the same time. So much of him I have within me. He has been instrumental in making me the teacher and believer that I am today.

Many of things I blog about come something I have heard from him. This one is no different. I have stated before how everything begins in the mind especially our hardest and most difficult battles. But the problem becomes when we do have this battle in our mind and live in denial of its existence. Denial is a death road--a one way ticket to nowhere. Most of us are in denial about who we are and were we are. We are not near where we should be, but we prefer to not allow others to see that truth. We want to only display on the truth that is convenient to us at that moment. Sure we can fool some of the people some of the time, but definitely not all of the people all of the time. 

The challenges lies in the wound in our head. Because we can't see the wound, it's difficult for us to acknowledge it. We often have a problem with the unseen, but it's the unseen that posses the most potential danger. The danger in the seen is minimum...for if we see it, in our mind we can treat it and do something about it. But that unseen pain hurts the most...we may not be able to put our finger exactly on the spot but the pain reverberates through our entire being which lets us know we can't ignore the wounds in our head. An injury must be treated in other for it to heal.

Most times we deny ever being injured because we fear the back lash from the revelation. We point the finger to others--it's always you not me. We even get made when others try in loving ways to tell us that we are bleeding from the big ass gash on our head, but we just move on. Nahhh that ain't blood, just a little how silly do we sound. Those who love us and care about our well being we push to the ground and prefer others who help us cover up the wound with decorations and scarves. Help us dress it up and hide it while on the inside we rot. Rot and stink, but we still look over the smell.

We can only function in limited range when we are injured. It behooves us all to seek the help we know we need. An wound in your mind is an injury to the entire body. Don't believe the hype; the true way to a (hu)man's heart is through his/her mind. I steal the words of a good friend.... The truth reveals; to you who lie to yourself, you dwell in the darkness of your own soul. Ask the hard questions and find a way to live in and with the truth. It's a satisfying and fruitful journey. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Not the Right Fit--Getting in Where You Fit in?

I recently had a phone interview with a school out in New Jersey. Oh so nervous because it was my first interview in 10 years I practiced and prayed repeating the cycle in several sets. From my perspective I thought it went okay...didn't feel my energy of excitement was reciprocated, but I was holding hope until the final word was given. The next day, I sent out a hand written thank you note laced with kind words and waited for a response.

That final word was relayed to me yesterday, "indeed they (the school) has decided you are not the right fit for their school." I knew it was coming, but I didn't expect those words--"the right fit."

Oh those words...the story of my life, right. At this point I'm not sure what to make of those words. It is never my desire to fit. I just want to make an impact. A difference. A change. The right choice to do the job I know I can do well.

By no means am I doubting the school who interviewed me. They know what they are looking for and what they know their school much better than I. I just marvel at the word choice. All my life I have been trying NOT to fit because those who do fit normally don't do make the right choices for the right reason.

It is important that we encourage our children to embrace their difference as a source of talent and pride. No one has the ability to be a better you than you. We are all distinguished to greatness.

Though my heart sank a little, I know that my place will open up for me....

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Faking the Funk

So my last post was my officially my 100th post; it only took me 3 years!! Lately I have hit a blog stride and with more people viewing my blog, an average of about 100 a week, I must maintain my momentum to give the peoples what they want!!! This might be an unpopular post...I aim to please. What good would I be if I only wrote what would make folks happy?? I must maintain some savor or I am good for nothing....

Recently I read an article about a seventeen year old young man who was killed by the captain of a neighborhood watch upon is return to his father's house from a local to store to buy some skittles for his little brother and something to drink for himself. Despite being told by the 9-11 dispatcher to not confront the young man, the captain of the neighborhood watch got out of his car and shot the young man--who was not armed. But's here's the kicker--the captain of the neighborhood watch has NOT been charged with the crime and is walking free. He got to return to his home while this young man 's family had to go to a funeral home to make arrangements for their beautiful young son. They're planning a funeral and he's probably enjoying a beer or two. 

The whole situation makes my heart hurt. The type of pain that travels to hurt all of your body. Then today I read a post on one of my fav blogs, where one of the contributors posted about the situation and made mention to the websation by Invisible Children in an effort to bring attention to Joesph Kony for international crimes. Instead of getting Kony recognized and arrested, the writer suggest that focus needs to be on Zimmerman for killing an unarmed young man. 

Still processing all this information, I'm thinking (it's a long thought, go ahead and exhale, I might be on this one for awhile) what's truly going on with us when we would rather try to heal the ills of other worlds and fail to right the wrongs right under our nose. Please don't misunderstand the message here. I am in agreement in helping those who need help no matter where they are, but I have an issue with a company who has taken their message to sensationalism to get action and then the money that organization receives, less than 40% goes to the actual cause. 

I take issue when we choose blinders instead of action. MLK stated injustice anywhere is an threat to justice everywhere in his letter from Birmingham Jail. He could not believe the criticism he was receiving from his religious contemporaries. They wanted him to stop his actions for what was right. It is up to us as citizens to hold those in authority responsible for the jobs they do. This situation is not the first, but we must make sure it is the last. Will it be difficult, absolutely, will we fail sometimes, of course, yet the level of difficulty or the risk of failure should in no way determine if or when we will act. There's always work to do and it requires us to take a step toward the required action in order to get it done.

Our children need us. It is not about us or never has been, they matter. They are the now. And quite frankly many of us don't like how the now looks, and guess who's at fault--we are. Yes we are. The now only does what we allow of it. I know we cannot cure all the world's ills, but we can be in the action of prevention. How? Voice and action. Don't just say something, do something. Give boundaries, set morals, be the example, encourage education, show appropriate behavior. The reality is our children will not get these necessary foundation behaviors from home, so we must plug the gap. Volunteer, support, know you can make a difference.

Stop fakin' the funk... stop telling yourself you are doing what's best when really you're nothing.....MC Breed and the DFC said it best...ain't no future in your frontin...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Art of Letting Go

Letting go is like a carefully crafted painting, every stroke, every color, every shade has meaning. Forgiveness is a true art form. It is intricately formatted to be mutually important to the forgiver and the forgivee. Yet, it's true power of reconciliation is often never experienced simply because some never forgive.

Many have a terribly difficult time learning to let go. We hold on to situations and people for dear life even if those exact people and situations have the given potential to cost us our life. It's a complicated situation that really isn't that complicated at all. In actually it comes down to: do you want to live? Yes, the real question is, do you want to live? Immediately most of us would respond a yes in all caps, in bold, and underlined--but do we really want to live?

I'm not just talking about rhythmic pushes of air, I'm talking quality now. Gaining and maintaining quality requires removal of excessive waste. Whether the waste be material, time, human itself, it's all relative--waste is waste. Waste contaminates all clean present no matter if it is in the mist or lingering on the edge.  If your pet pees on your your rug and just so happen that your jacket was on the rug, you don't pick up jacket and head to the club. No first you mean mug the pet and then you toss the jacket in the wash and clean the rug. Notice you cleaned both.

Though that situation is minor, the same principle applies to our lives. We have no desire to walk around smelling pissy--yeah I just said that. That pissy smell inhibits the quality of life we can have. We gotta clean up our lives. We must always do some inward reflection. I have said this before and yet I must say it again--let it go. Compounded waster becomes compacted waste which is unnecessary extreme pain. I know many of us have been abused and mistreated in childhood or adult, but you are still here. Now the fact you have breath in your body means you have another chance to pursue quality.

Forgiveness is needed to clean the forgiver of excessive waste and bring him/her into closer relationship with self and creation. As the forgiver you are reconciled with self and life. Now the end possibilities of the universe are aligned to your favor. Though forgiveness does release the forgivee, it is intended more for the forgiver. The forgivee will ultimately receive the harvest of his/her actions--it's the law--you reap what you sow. So let the actions of the forgivee be the least of our thoughts. The focus should be on us. Our closet road to quality is through forgiveness. We cannot allow our past contaminate our present or future. We must let go; it's truly a matter of life and living.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Chronicles of a FAT Girl

It is a taboo subject among many. A shameful subject that causes side glances and long stares. So here I am to debunk all rumors and dispel all myths. Yes I am fat and I know it! I have been since like 2nd grade. Don't you think that I look at myself in the mirror everyday?? Don't you think I see the size on my clothes when I buy them?? Honestly, I see this body every single day and I know it better than anyone ever will.

 Yes I know I'm fat. And I don't need anyone to remind me of that fact. Random comments and long stares do nothing to encourage me to make healthier life choices. Just because my issue is more prevalent and  visible than others doesn't give anyone a license to judge or assume. Remember when you point out my spec, don't miss that plank in yours. My decision for a healthier lifestyle must come from me, yes me. I have to put in the work to make it happen.

Yes I know my weight is a problem. And the question becomes--why haven't I done anything about it???
Great question. And I don't fully know the answer to it. But I do know that I believe it is symptomatic of other issues I have dealt with in my life's early journey. Being the woman I am now, I know that my unhealthy habits have got to change. I do desire to live a long beautiful life and enjoy this journey God has given to me. But I can't do it in my current shape. I do know discipline is necessary key in the equation.

Yes I do know I am beautiful. Though my external being may not be what I want it to be, my worth is an internal source. My outlook on life, my personality, and my character are from the inside out. It has taken me years to learn this beauty of life-growth from the inside--but it is one we all would benefit from. I love the woman I have become and these 32 years have been nothing short of a blessing.

Being overweight is something we have stigmatized as equivalent to worthless when in all reality it is no different than any unhealthy behavior one may have. In no way am I making an excuse for my bad habits or the bad habits of others.  But what I want to do is dispel the judgment factor. We judge, condemn, and then lay ambush for our brother or sister with the words of our mouth. Every person, every being has value and deserves to be treated as such. If we took this approach to holistic health maybe, just maybe the quality of health in our lives would improve.

Yes we need to do better to improve our health, this I can't or won't deny nor cover it up. But what I won't do is dehumanize my fellow man no matter his battle.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Let it be known that I am not walking about in a state of delusion. I am not lying to myself that I am healthy and I will be okay. I know the present condition of my issue; I have accepted the truth and know I must do something.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Everyday Use

I recently had a conversation with a friend about some items she intends to be heirlooms for her children one day. I love the idea of passing mementos from generation to generation, but I also mentioned to her the thought of using the items for what they were meant for. She quickly made the connection to Alice Walker's short story and of course it got me to thinking. As I eat my lunch and type this post ( I started writing Friday at work) I'm asking myself, what truly is for everyday use? Sometimes we get so caught up looking for the next big thing to come our way that we miss the use of  the day. For example, when was the last time you intentionally used your smile to make someone else happy? When was the last time you rehearsed your lines a thousand time until you had them memorized just to be able to get up the nerve to make use of those three words?? (Yeah I just made a Patty and Stevie combination) The point being, love is for everyday use. It's not meant to be used only for a special occasion.

I'm convinced why we often fail in love is because we fail to learn not only what it is but how to use it. In turn love is misused and abused and we miss opportunities for using it everyday to enhance the lives of others. I know some folks relish in the out adage, my four and no more,but fortunately that perception is not a reality. It is intended that we sow into the world we live in. Understand harvest is not just for the sower. Harvest feeds a multitude of people. By your sowing you allowing other people to reap. Take me for instance. When I do publish my first book (and it will happen, believe me, it will) my writing will provide a harvest for at least five people--the agent who markets me to the editor who corrects me to the company who publishes me to the press operator who maneuvers the levers to make the book to the company who makes the paper that is provided for the company that makes the books! I could go on and on. But what if I never strike out and follow my love; where will these people be?? I guess somewhere waiting for me to put this love in everyday use!

Though I focus on love, it is not the only substance that should be used daily. Others make the list as well, but most times they are derivatives of love--kindness, patience, humility,  and the list goes on. As my great grandfather used to state, "a little sugar goes a long way." And it in fact it does. Try using kindness as a means to accomplish your daily task. So what the boss's sectary is a royal bia--smile anyway. Be nice to her anyway. Her issues don't have to control how you choose to practice your beautiful character. Yes, continue to deliberately make yourself useful to the world every single day. You must see and practice the change you want the world to be. Some times you are the only example someone may see.

I know our concern is what will be gained with our everyday use. And rightfully so it seems like a logical question. We all have had experiences when our usefulness has been misused and maltreated. Understand these potential situations come with the territory. You will have some who refuse to receive your use and it's okay. Don't fret, just accept your effort and know you tried--you planted a seed someone else will come along and water.  Know a law of the universe is to reap what you have sown.

It is my desire to be what is every needed of me to be. My life is less about me and more about the testament to the world of what could be--so here I am, use me.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

If you are true music fan, you will recognize Paula Cole's 90's song title. No this post isn't about the 90's or music for that matter. Being that it s the last day in February, I had to take a moment to pay homage to my people.

I have always been proud to be a Black American. Yes I say Black American. I prefer the term, but take no offense to African American. (My reasons for another post...) I am proud to come from a lineage of people who know how to encounter injustice with true courage and bravery. I am proud to come from a lineage of people who were commitment to see change even if it meant not in their life time.

But in 2012 I pause out of concern. Truly where have all the cowboys gone? Where are the voices standing for change? The voices sharing the bravery of yesterday and the glad tidings of tomorrow. Somewhere we have lost our connection to the past and have desecrated the glorious history of a people to being a behavior--rap music, sagging pants, ill language, flashy jewelry, chrome wheels, etc, etc. We are nowhere near removed from the struggle. And forgetting the efforts of those who were a part of it and witnessed it is a blasphemous shame to humanity.

With the westward expansion of the United States, it is estimated at one fourth of all cowboys were Black. These men most times received equal wages as their white counterparts. Just like others, Blacks forged west in hopes of creating their own slice of the American pie. They built all black western towns--Nicodemus, Kansas; Dearfield Colorado; Boley, Oklahoma. They farmed, lived in sod houses, and worked hard. How dare we forget? How dare we not know? How dare we not remind ourselves that Black History is American History.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Inward Battle:Silent Permission

It's no secret that I am a little bit different, rather strange, and certainly one of a kind. One of the hardest lessons I have learned was to love my uniqueness. I have always been the round peg who could not fit into the square hole. And my silence did no good to my own self labeled eccentricity. No I wasn't the outward flamboyant, but my extrordinary thoughts always remained private; thus my inward struggle.

It's not a unique battle to me. Most won't admit their inner struggle even to the most intimate of friends. It is a challenge we were conditioned to keep to self, which in turn is self destructive behavior. The taboo surrounding mental health has come a long way, yet much work is still needed in the area. The fact is we all have experienced a mental battle. This battle comes in several recognizable forms--low self esteem, abuse of any kind, living in a "broken" family, etc. It all starts in the mind--a word we heard, or words we didn't hear that we thought we should have heard--the effects of actions done or not even completed--it all is processed in the mind sowing seeds for a inward battle.

With no intentions to belittle any traumatic experiences, but it is not the battle that causes us the stress or imbalance, it's the capped bottle that shakes us. Keeping it all within is the problem. We will experience a multitude of things, but these things should be released not withheld. By withholding your story you are withholding your dreams, aspirations, present and most importantly your future. The moment you allow what others think, believe, and speak to control the quality, pitch, and volume of your voice you walk like the living dead. Though breath is flowing through your being, life is all but absent. Silence is deadly. . You can not afford to relinquish your voice under any circumstances. Break the silence. Let it all hang out! Now know that I am not suggesting anyone to go willy nilly and use your voice to impose negativity on yourself or others. Not at all. Your voice is meant to create and promote life not bondage, thus you must use it wisely.

Yes. Using your voice is one of the hardest battles to overcome, but know it is well worth the fight. Sure some don't agree with my voice, can't understand my voice or simply don't hear my voice, but it is mine. I have come into the understanding that my voice was to intended to give life to my every valuable thought the creator, God, placed within me. When I allow my voice to be under another's lock and key I am giving silent permission to every negative force in the universe to cause havoc in my life. By the mere power of my words I can produce the outcome I desire. I end by battle with I break the silence. To reaffirming my birth right, the freedom to pursue my happiness, I speak. Platinum coated words with  access to former restricted areas. I speak. With quality in small quantity. Unashamed of who might hear, I speak. 

Stand up, speak up. Don't ponder the ifs. Put a voice to your pain and watch it begin to turn to gain.

Friday, February 24, 2012


Being a fan of words--all kinds--good words—exhilarating, succumb; bad words—any swear word will do; I try to peruse the blog scene daily. Kind of like my morning and afternoon coffee ( I hate coffee by the way). One of the blogs I regularly follow is I love the candor the men provide and the comments can be Wow Nelly some times, but it keeps me reading. A recent post by come of the writers was, in brief, using a line from Drake's song, Make Me Proud, "I like a woman with a future and a past, A little attitude problem all good it'll make the sh-t last, Don't make it too easy girl, don't take it too fast . . ."  I loved the post for its honesty and thought provoking content, but I really, really, really made me think. What is it with this concept of damaged goods? If one is damaged does that mean they will always wear that label?

While Drake's lines seem to be a paradox, it really trumps the entire idea of being damaged goods, right? If you have a future and a past, then you had a past that you obviously overcame to have an impactful future, right? Isn't that the concept of the entire song? Why else would Drake be so proud of you?

From all accounts I tend to believe we are only damaged if we allow ourselves to live in the wreck. Broken things get fixed all the time and some sometimes things have to be broken to be fixed. And this is where perception is at its greatest. You must know how to look at the situation. Will you allow it to determine everything you can't do or drive it to push you to be everything that you are supposed to be?

Any time you choose to enter into a romantic relationship of any kind you are making an unspoken agreement of acceptance. This agreement is not to accept any ill wanted behavior but it is to accept and support the person's commitment to be a better person. If you believe at any point that job, for the lack of better words, has requirements that you can not or will not agree to you then have the option to walk away. It's a pure matter of choice. However know that all things quick and easy aren't good. Sure it may take some time to see total fruit of change, yet the outcome is most benefitcial to all involved. We all have something we need to move beyond and external support to keep us in the right direction.  

I guess my point in it all is really, really, really I could care less if you grew up in a broken family, or was shot five times, or lost a limb, or sold dope, or whatever your past circumstances may be. What I care about is what are you doing now? You don't have to wear the label of damaged for your lifetime. In the words of the Dalai Lama . . . when you lose, don't lose the lesson....

"Everything’s adding up, you've been through hell and back, that's why you're bad as f... and you know you are" Drake--Make Me Proud

Monday, February 20, 2012

Loving Love

Recently I recalled a conversation that I had with one of my best sistagirlfriends and love. I don't know if it's our age--a ripe 32 years--or our genuine natural that truly let us to this topic. It was further on the fore front when I watched a news special in ATL about couples who have been married for over 50 years who lived in the same neighborhood. It was so beautiful it led me to tears. Yeah I'm a MAJOR sap. Undoubtedly, we all want to be loved and know its being returned, but are we truly ready for its eternal style to take over our being? Honestly, I love the ideal of love--what it stands for, its ability, and how it functions--but I don't know if I am ready for it.

I know there's no store bought barometer that can gauge my readiness level or any no true visible signs of ripeness like a banana (though I love a banana that is still under ripe with a little green on it). But love is not fruit or temperature; there has got to be some means to know your love has hit perfection and you are ready to share in its experience. Emotions can be tricky but really is love that complex? It is that shrouded it needs a surgical team to remove its garments? I don't know all, but I'm convinced majority of us don't know what love truly is. Yes I made a logical fallacy with my major generalization here--but if we did know what it was, maybe we won't mislabel it, abuse it, miss use it, discard it, and long so hard for it.

My humble (yes I am in awe of how many people read my blog) opinion places love at the top of every must have list. Why? Well in the best words I can use--it's love. So circular of me, right? I discuss love and then use it an explanatory manner to explain it. So let me attempt to show my love of love...
  1. One reason I love love is because it is eternal. Love in all forms is everlasting. I can't understand how we choose to limit something that is intended to be limitless in application. If you love me, I shouldn't have to question if your love will be present tomorrow or the next day. Even if I should leave all visible presence, you should still love me. This eternal love is evident in parental relationships but can't it be in romantic love too? Can I love him into infinity???
  2. Another reason I love love is because it truly conquerors all. Afraid? Confused? Lost? Run to love and it covers you.
  3. Love is simply beautiful. It has a natural ambiance that glows. A beckoning glow that begs your attention. love needs to make up to enhance its features or heighten its attractive qualities. The old couples I show on that news report looked eternally youthful as they shared their stories of love. Their excitement for each other even after all the years never faded.
  4. Love is truth. And you know how I feel about the can't truly live without it. They say truth hurts--well it does sting for a moment. If allowed, love will spread once truth is acquired and begin to heal wounds. But we just have to let it work. Don't give in or up so easily--it takes a true commitment.
  5. And yet another reason I love love is its cost. You can't buy it with any form of monetary funds. It comes with a price tag you must be willing to pay for it with the very breathe you breath. Every ounce of your being must be dedicated to knowing love's value and risk. Love is work that it labor intensive, not for the faint. It you are looking for cheap, fast, and easy---well that's not love.
  6. Love's a mutual benefactor. In love, both parties win. The fact that you can love is its gift to the giver. Sure we all want reciprocity, but pure love, true love, real love receives as it gives.
I know my mini list is well just that, mini. In no way to does capture all there's to know about love but it's a start. I'm convinced that what we thought was love all long wasn't really. Lust most likely, but not the distinctive qualities of love. I know that I have much to learn on the subject, yet I am willing to learn. I don't think love is hiding or choosing to elusive. I don't know all of its signs, but I can feel it's here. Like you can smell rain in the air, I know my time of love has truly come. I know my words sound idealistic and mystic, maybe even magical, but one must maintain a sense of hope in truth and in love. Love is no fairy tale. It's common and simplistic and most of all real. I'm in no rush to meet love in its raw form; I would much rather it take the lead in its course and I simply follow the journey.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


In preparation for my New Jersey move, I am beginning to pack, boy what a task. I must downsize a-sap! It's ridiculous the abundance of shoes, clothes, and home decor that I have. For example, I have 14 yards of a pretty almond brown with gold specs fabric. It was my intent 6 years ago to have my cousin make be some curtains for my living room. But you guessed it, that never happened! So what in the world do I do with the fabric now?? But that's not the end--upstairs I found more fabric!! Now I look at the clothes I never wore, pictures I never hung, and shoes I never walked in and see nothing but dollars! Imagine if I would have saved all that money I spent....I'm seriously shaking my head now. But the saying goes, why cry now??? It's a bit to late to cry after the fact....I'm moving.

In all aspects of my life, I'm moving. At this point it doesn't matter who's going with me. I need no audience to make the choice or supporters to follow me; I just need to complete the action. I need to move because I need to move. If I stay any longer I run the risk of missing my meeting. Sounds strange? Not really, just think about it. If you stay in the same position long enough you can get everything that you aren't asking for. Honestly, stand in one spot you can experience sun, rain, snow, etc. all the weather conditions you please--if you stand in that one position for several years. Who would do that, right? Stand in one place for years just to experience the variety. The choice seems problematic and quite unwise, but we do it all the time. Stand in one spot and watch the motions slide right past us. Everything passes us right by. But, why stay?  Movement allows you to experience it all in a relatively short amount of time.

In life we tend to be too stationary. Most times fear roots us standing still in all aspects of our lives. The worst feeling in the world is wanting something yet being too afraid to go after it. Recent events have shown the world time waits for no man or woman. We must move forward in our journey. Forward progression requires movement--some planned others spontaneous, regardless, remove your feet and move forward.  Nothing comes to one who just dreams but sleep. Faith without works is dead. Something from nothing gets nothing. Go. Go kicking and screaming if you have to but just go. Follow that imagination you so creatively have. Create your life's desire in real life action. Go. Go. Go.

So here I am going. Moving as I pack and prepare to move. I'm giving away and donating then trashing the rest. I'm tackling the move with motion and for once, I am not out of breath, in fact I'm breathing much better now. My meeting date is drawing near and new adventures are waiting for me to move so I gotta go.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Do

So I just touched down about 4 hours ago and I can't get certain songs out of my head. Like every radio I have experienced in the nation, Atlanta's stations play the same songs over and over again. Now Jeezy, Drake, Tyga, Wale, and Blue's momma are in my head. Their words are blending together to make this new song--some new remix I have solely created. One repeated phrase, I Do, plays constantly at random times. 

Of course, my magnificent mind reaches into formerly inaccessible areas and begins to think about those two words, I Do. People live to here these two words on one special day. Yep those words stop at that alter and linger for that one special day and forget to make a connection to its intended context and audience. 

Did you know the divorce rate in 2009 was 50%? So that means half of the people who married in 2009 divorced. I'm baffled. What's the point of committing to eternal love yet limit its length?  But this post has nothing to do with marriage or divorce explicitly but implied they do. These two words really got me thinking about what I say "I do" to.  Follow me for a minute....

I can honestly say that I am super shy. Have always been. I'm not the one who enters a crowded room and mingles with everyone, not to say I lack in the conversational skills, but I'm shy. Initiate a conversation with me and I can go without breathe, yet I am content to do things and be by myself. Yes I love the being with others, but I'm content shopping alone too. Why? Because one day I just decided to say I do to me. Yeah that inner voice that has always been present no matter how much I tried to deny it. I'd dress it up to hide it because its sound was off beat from others. 

Imagine if we all married ourselves, not like Dennis Rodman, but that could be rather amusing--but I'm speaking about deciding to commit to who you really are. Yet many of us would rather deny ourselves the luxury of meeting ourselves. I stated this before in previous post Dating the Real You, the real you is much better than the fake somebody else. Every time you assume the character of another you are branded as fake, because in reality there's only one---one Mike Jackson (as my handsome little cousin Allen affectionately calls him), one Whitney Houston, one James Brown, one Etta James, one Teddy P, one Heavy D, one Gerald Levert--no matter how many people may sound like these there's still just one.

When we deny ourselves the power to be the person we were created to be ultimately we lose. It sounds harsh to say, but ignoring important things can be harmful. Bring back in the divorce rate. Honesty would have stopped you way before a proposal would have been planned. Stop saying I do to the wrong things....sometimes you need to say I don't and I won't.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Power of Vision

Vision is not the ability to see with the natural eye. It is the ability to believe what has yet to materialize. Architects do it all day; create what has not been seen. When we were children, we did it all the time. We closed our eyes, even in the mist of day, and dreamed of a world invincible of negativity and pain. A world  built by the wildest parts of our imagination. You remember don't you? I know I do.

My imagination still runs wild. Sometimes I close my eyes and see. See several things--things that are there and things I make up to be there. My greatest thoughts come when I see not with my eyes. I am under the impression that you must see whatever it may be you desire before it can ever happen. We must allow ourselves these childish behaviors in order to have a successful adult journey.

So lately I have been envisioning myself in the wealth of my passions. What do I mean? Well, I can see my desires-all of them. Love, marriage, children, author, etc...I seen it happen already in my vision. No it wasn't some magical world that only operates with invisible capes, it was real. It was me. My childhood imagination has advanced itself. Adapted, grown and is still functioning. Quite frankly, so should yours. Just because you can't see it, no matter what that it may be, doesn't mean it is not there.

I have a tattoo on my forearm that states, never forget the struggle. People ask me all the time, what does your tattoo say, when they get a small glimpse of it peeking from beneath my sweater. When I tell them, I'm quite sure they don't understand, but it's a statement recognizing the vision of Black people in America.

My great great great grandparents saw me in their future. They saw me. Yes me. The impact I need to make in the world. In their vision of possibilities, they saw something had to be different. And look I AM HERE! Their struggle was for me. And now I envision life for others. The struggle of my ancestors is not forgotten because I chose to see what is yet to be seen.

The beauty of it, I see you in my future. What's the point of seeing it alone. You can come too. We must begin to believe in what is yet to come. I know that I am on the cusp of something great in my life. Not only have a seen it, I believe it, and know its on the way. Begin to see yourself draped in your desires of the good life you so deserve....