Wait....I Ain't Ready

Dedicated to K--it's okay not to be ready.....keep doing the work to be...

Yesterday I realized, I wasn't ready. Me, not ready?? Seems such an idiotic statement. I am always ready. At least that is what I tell myself. You know the concept. If I say it long enough I will drown out the fear and hesitation in being ready. But truth is, I ain't ready.

 Every professional was once a novice.

Working on this new project brought me to this awareness. He said, "You ain't ready." I piped back, "Yes I am!! I have most of it all written done." Key word--most. 

I ain't ready. 

I am here at this place in space. This moment in the journey and I am not ready. 

My readiness is not from lack. More like mere process. Process is preparation. 

Yesterday I realized that I am okay with not being ready. Be anxious for nothing. For nothing. 

For marriage. For nothing.

For children. For nothing.

For promotion. For nothing.

Be anxious for nothing. Our journey is not in competition. Time is a manmade construction used as manipulation to control what's beyond his limits. All things happen as they should in the given moments they should. 

 It's tough. The getting ready part. No easy button. No elevator. A lot of stairs. Sometimes up, up, down, down, down, up, up, up, up. Building endurance and strength. But it's worth it. The ready.  

Read.

Serve.

Study.

Smile more.

Stay vulnerable. 

Unlearn to learn and grow.

Resist the pressure to settle. 

Listen to understand not to respond.

Speak your truth with passion and peace. 

Be found ready. 

Following a Dream

Today I decided that I wanted to try a new venture. In fact I have a couple of new ventures I want to try. First at bat is my voice. No people, bring it back. I don't wanna sing. I am 38 yrs old. That dream died when I blasted NKOTB from my pink radio on Virginia Street. On the porch that day, I couldn't quite hit the notes. Yeah I knew I was a wrap. I digress. Which I tend to do a lot...back to my voice.

I love my words. The way they appear on white space. Dominating in bold formation. Letters to words to feelings cut by Truth. Creative words. Swirling through pathways rushing in time to arrive at understanding. I really love my words.

And my voice too. I want folks to hear my voice. Hear it utter the words I string together in creation. The tone. The mood surrounded. Its pitch. Pure sound of delight to me. When my voice carries the full weight of my words I shudder in belief. My voice connects those words to the energy and power of Truth and it is then that I hear the ending. It is done. All I have spoken has come to be. Selah.

I want to speak life to you. My human touching your heart. Where the issues of life reside. Let you hear my voice laced with words that kindly deposit vitamin Truth of Love. Real love. Human love. Unbound. Without cause or reason. Just because Love. Knitting smiles back together again. Pushing you to take up your bed and walk. Be healed. Then go spread your healing to other humans with your voice.

The details are being pieced together. I am following the way being paved. Just wait. In a minute you gone hear my voice.

In the lean time, between time, have you abandoned your dream? You know the one I'm talking about. Because dreams never travel alone, you may have only stepped into one part and left the others by the way side. Go get them. They are waiting for you. The great thing about life and dreams, they travel with you. They are still there. You don't have to travel back in time where you laid it down. Just dig. Dig in the inside of you. Uncover. Remove. Dust off. It's there. None of use were created for single use. We're multifaceted greatness. Sure we have aged some yet our dreams are always timely to blossom. It's there. Lay aside those lame broken excuses. It's there. Listen. It's there.

Exposing Shame

I had a vision last night. Of my impending success. I knew it was me. I knew it was real. It was powerful and refreshing and imposing and impactful and powerful. Yep. Powerful. Me powerful. I stood in the Wonder Woman pose with my hands on my hips in a red skirt and a brown shirt and a black and brown stripped blazer. I stood in authority. I said to myself, that's my vision. Then I saw myself standing in a black suit with a yellow belt (I like to be funky professional!!) in the same powerful stance.

I needed that vision.

I am currently not working. The K-5 school I was working in last school year decided not to pursue the renewing of its charter and officially closed its doors the last week of June. Here's the thing. Last school year had to be the 2nd best year of my 16 years of being an educator. I worked with 2 phenomenal leaders--Bosslady and E who expanded my knowledge, added to my toolbox and genuinely made be a better leader and human. Walked into the school year with hope and left with greater faith. In my purpose and my process and my journey.

My heart knows this part of my journey is the necessary building for what is to come. For that vision to manifest. Yet it doesn't stop my emotions from feeling shameful. Several no's start to weigh on my shoulders. Dangle at my feet. Whisper to my insecurities. As I watch the people make their way to their designated spaces with coffee in hand and I take my green tea back home. My feelings are my humanness. Yet I don't live in them. I feel them in the moment they arrive and then fight them in faith. And text convos with Trout. IG laughs. Alexa blasting modern gospel station. Sometimes silent prayers then teary prayers. Book reading. Writing. Sunday 9AM service and lunch dates with Naj. Just to name a few.

And I fight. Like my life depended on it. Because it does. I fight.

I share all this to say, life is complex. Many times we are brought to specific places in our journey by our own actions yet with divine purpose. In those spaces and places we must come face to face with who we are, what we have done, and ultimately be reminded of our Creator's intention of our intricately designed destiny. A destiny that does not come without challenge to best prepare us to sustain the power and greatness of who we truly are.

Your Book of Life is not, and will never be, my Book of Life. Though our chapters might merge or lines might double over. Yet they are uniquely original. Plenty of chapters written. And plenty more to be written. Some longer than others. All chronicling the perfect imperfection we are. 

When we are awake to our dreams, alive in our potential, present in our gratitude, creating forward options, and living in our beloved humanness we literally have no place for self shame. Or guilt. Or negativity that drives any fathomable insecurity that tries to overpower the love and lessons we are walking into each and every day.

Our "but for a moment" is working something far more greater within us and for us. Let's stay the course. We already have within what is necessary to win the already won battle.