Friday, January 30, 2009

So I Been thinking.....

I know its scary! Even gives me shivers. But I have been thinking:

  • Why do ALL of Keysha Cole's songs sound the same? I mean done to the all the music being played in the same key! Every song is a remake of the previous release.....something something....I remember when I loved you......something something.....I should've cheated...something something....sent from heaven....something never knew what I was missing but I knew when we started kissing.....something something....if he ain't gonna love you the way he should then let him go....
  • Why in the world does my jaw hurt? Seriously from back by my ear to chin it aches. I really need to get this checked out!
  • When did 20% off become a sale??? Circuit City is going out of business and people are flocking to buy items with 20% off! WTF??? We in a recession you gotta come better than that!
  • I saw something amazing today: A black women bought a welding school! Yes two of them! My jaw dropped (maybe that's why it hurts!) She used to be a motivational speaker for the company and when she heard they were looking to sell she went for it! Ain't that something? I was so blessed by her story! Do yo thang Ms. Debra!
  • When is ready ready? Seriously..when do you know you are ready? Does it depend on the situation? Does it depend on time? How do you decide? For instance, I say I'm not ready for a serious relationship (at least that's what I told "20") but do I really mean that? How do I know when I'm ready? I say I'm not ready to move out of the state, but I wanna go so bad. I am just being anxious for a dream or am I truly not ready?
  • I gave a test to my sophomores today (over some short stories we read in class and the appropriate terminology that goes along with the stories). Gave specific directions..."please take your notebook out and place it on your desk. Turn to the next blank page. Complete your test in your notebook. Do not tear it out when you finish. Keep it in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when you complete your test. Again do not write on my test. Write your answers in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when your finish." Notice how I repeated myself using different words but the same meaning. Just in case the first time was a bit difficult to understand. How many didn't follow directions you ask? 2 of the 12. Damn damn damn!!!!
  • Why is it so hard for me to keep my desk clean? I mean seriously! Monday I started off well. No "stacks of undetermined papers" on the side. All filed to my right in the correct folder and place. I actually had a clear space where I could grade papers. I dunno. I really dunno. Where did I go wrong??
  • I am proud of myself. I am able to help my step-mom and dad avoid foreclosure. They both recently lost jobs and now are in a tight spot (like many of us) and I had what they needed! That makes me feel so proud. To be able to give when it is most needed makes my heard glad! I am actually making a difference....*smile
  • So why didn't I get the memo that the color dark night is navy blue??? I thought it was black---not! When its really dark at night all you see is black! Not blue! I ordered a long sleeve from a store on-line to wear under my work polo and the damn thing is navy blue. I guess it doesn't look too bad under the royal blue polo??? At least I think it doesn't. But if it did look crazy I'm sure I girls (my friends I work with) would have put me on blast today at round table (lunch)!
  • Should I get my hair shorter? Last year I cut 8 inches off my locs. They were in the almost to my butt and I could not take the weight of it! Getting all that washed was a mess! So I cut it to my shoulders in an asymmetrical bob. I recently got it cut a bit shorter now I think I want it right to the bottom of my ears. So still a bob but shorter....ummmm something to think about...(shiver)
  • Today was the most amazing day! In the copy room making copies (lol) and on of the fellow teachers (not my co-worker--cause some of them round here don't "count" me so I don't "count" them) here spoke to me for the FIRST time! On real business! I pass each other every morning and I would say hello. And no response. Maybe he didn't hear me. Next day try it again a little louder. No response. Not even a nonverbal smile, head nod, wave, eye blink, nothing! Try again a bit louder--you guessed it! No response! Now to hell with you! But today ummmm 6 months later he spoke to me. I was stunned! Actually have a bit of conversation about reading! Yes! How kids love to learn how to read and then we get them in high school they HATE school! What happened? Where was the disconnect? That was our brief 45 sec conversation! Wow!
  • I have been teaching seven years....yes seven! I got the my master' didn't satisfy the itch...gotta get my ph.d...UNC at Greensboro here I come!!!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

Thursday, January 29, 2009

It's Official!!

Ummmm No.


New job?
I wish!

Lost weight?
Did I mention Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice cream?

Addicted to blogging?
Yep and proud of it!!!

Seriously I have not had to this much "word" mental stimulation in a looooong time. I love partaking in every one's lives. Reading about personal life to politics truly excites me. The power your words hold resident with me throughout the day. The inspire me, challenge me, make me laugh, and encourage me. Blogging and following the blogs of others was one of the best decisions I have made. Besides it get me to write more!

Keep doing what you do, cause you do it well!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dust Myself Off & Start All Over Again!

So here it is, the last week on January 2009, can you believe it! Well I can't. I was thinking about it this morning and recalled what I was doing last year at this time...well I was working out 4 days a week and NOT eating the Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream which I have become addicted too recently!!! (Damn I get excited about its flavor just thinking about it!!!)

I started off 08 with a goal and worked that goal for 4 months straight! I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I had ever decided to get committed about being healthier. I had lost 30 pounds and was well on my way. But then I got sick, had surgery and lost all momentum! Seriously momentum was out the door. In part because of the surgery but still what happened??? Did I use my surgery as an excuse?

At this point I am still trying to figure out what stopped me dead in my tracks. Though I haven't gained the weight back, I haven't lost any either. So I am trying it all over again. I am picking up my food journal ( a MUST have when trying to lose weight. Writing down the food you eat does wonders on the mind!), hittin' the elliptical, downloading some more good music, and I am off!

I really want this. I will be thirty at the end of the year and when I turn 30 in December I wanna say DAMN look at me! I did what I said I was going to do!

Though I won't make it the focus on my writings, I will def keep you updating on my progress.

Mark the calendar for Feb. 2 2009---I'll be a rebel WITH a cause!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution.....

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Update on the 20...I Think I Broke His Heart

So I am getting asked about the guy I meet back in December who was supposed to have left earlier these month for California. Well as the use of the past tense verb in the previous sentence suggest, he didn't leave. Which is a good thing on his part but moving on to "us." Well here it goes...a few weeks ago I shared with him my feelings about the progression of "us." I told him I wanted to slow down and get back to some important things in my life I started slowed started to neglect when he came in my life. It was not an act of selfishness but one of love....for myself. I started to notice how infrequent I did things that I purposely placed in my life for balance, self-awareness, and joy. My attitude changed. I was getting frustrated by things when normally I would not even give that thing the time of day! Most importantly my lack of actions was getting noticed by the people I love, family and friends.

Now dude is a good dude, but like us all he got baggage and issues that I can't help him with. Things he gotta deal with on his own. The same with me. Nobody can make the actions you need to help you; you gotta do the footwork!

So that is where it is. We talk every now and then. We really don't "kick-it" strong like we did in the beginning. All of the choices I made I'm cool with.

Though he say he is too, his actions show otherwise....he is real short with me now. Like if he calls me...yes if he calls me and I ask a simple question like "have you spoken to so-in-so?" He instantly snaps out! His body language has changed and everything. Believe me, you know when something is up!

So I think I really hurt him, though his man pride is refusing to be real about it. I think he really likes me and was hoping "us" would evolve into something more. But at this point, I don't want more.

So I'm thinking I might have to totally cut loose.

It only takes one to start a revolution.............

Monday, January 19, 2009

Responsibility of Woman

One of my idols, yes I have idols, Mary J. Blige has a song entitled, Feel Like a Woman.

I want you to rescue me.Take me from this misery.Put your arms around me bay.Hold me close, please hear me say.(Ohh)You really gotta hold on me.(You do)Right here is where I wanna be.(With you)Boy, there's something I want you to do.Cause tonight I wanna...

Chorus:]Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna compete)

(I just wanna be the only girl that you need)

Feel like a woman. (Boy, I want you to be everything to me)

(Don't wanna be deceived)

Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna fuss and I don't wanna cuss)

(I just wanna feel the love from both of us)

Feel like a woman. (Now I only wanna do what you tell me to)

(Won't you show and prove)

Feel like a woman.

That is only a snippet of the of the lyrics but you get the point. But my question is does a woman really want to man to make her feel like a woman??? Seriously?? Think about it for a long minute. In a modern world where the modern woman is "independent" and proudly proclaiming "I don't need a man" does the modern woman really want a man to make her feel like a woman?

I had this conversation with my cousin, Mookie, last night and he is baffled at the fact that most Black women say they want a good man but they reject the good ones to keep the bad ones! This conversation got me to thinking, what is the responsibility of the woman? Does a black woman really want a man?
I have come to the conclusion that Black women have been shorting themselves....hear me out now. We say we want a good black man but we are not prepared to be that woman that the black man needs. Society has already placed so much pressure on the black man and he needs a woman who will support him not question his manhood. I know many of you are not willing to go here with me, but at least hear me out. The black family has been totally destroyed. Children are growing up without a vital start...having both parents in the home. It is important to have both parents because it creates a structure that gives birth to more structure. But with only one parent it is hard for the child to understand how a family is supposed to be. Girls grow into women who think that they have to be everything and do everything and find it hard to let a man really be a man and be the end of the household. Boys grow into men who have no clue how to be the head and be a man cause they had to example of manhood.
So what do we do? Once we know there is a problem then we must to work to change the family structure. As black women we must begin to look inward and ask ourselves do we know how to be a woman? Not just independently take care of yourself but allow someone to take care of you. This may mean to keep the peace by not questioning your man. Allow him to make the decision and support him even if doesn't work out as well as planned. Take the side seat by being the supporter and helping him shine in all he does. That's being a virtuous woman---making sure your man is the talk of the town cause he has everything all together. There is no simple over night remedy to the issue. It's a deep one that may be causing us our life. So we really gotta stop pointing the finger at our white sisters for "stealing" own men and take a look at what is going on within!
I didn't write this be be popular or cause a uproar...I'm just speaking my mind. Giving my take on the issue. If you disagree, I'm cool with that.
It only takes one to start a revolution....

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Miss Loving Something...

Those were the words my girl recently said to me. We were chatting on yahoo and the conversation turning to our passions. I told her that writing is my passion that I have "lost" since my brother died in '06. I haven't been giving it the attention it deserves. Then she said she loved singing and she said..."I miss loving something." Those words cut straight to my heart.

When was the last time we said and meant, "I love _____!" Not just used the word love to describe our overwhelming feeling of pleasure, but really had to deep connection to those words we released into the atmosphere. When was the last time we did something we loved and didn't even have to tell anyone we loved it, cause it showed in evey fiber of our being! That intense fire was almost tangible to those who were in your presence. You inspired them and you had no clue.

Yeah, loving something is that good!

So find that passion that stirs your heart and love it.

It only takes one to start a revolution.....

Friday, January 9, 2009

Ballin' on a Budget

Unfortunate for us the economic climate in the US is pretty dismal. Folks are losing their jobs and homes throughout the nation. But I refuse to feel ANY anxiety during this downturn. Why? Worry and stress will absolutely add no relief to the situation. Instead I will focus on what I know of a certainty--God's peace. Never underestimate the power of peace. Beginning at peace with a situation goes far beyond a sense of calm and comfort. It is a sense of knowing. Having faith and knowledge that no matter what may rise against you, God has got it all in control. Now don't assume obtaining peace will be a simple task...think twice...most good things are never simple. It takes you to step out of the natural and trying rely on what can't be seen--your faith. I have faith that I will make it...and guess what? I have!

So I don't focus on the negative report, but I do try to make wise choices, thus ballin on a budget! Instead of our usual dine out of Friday night, we cook at home--nice meal depending on the taste of the day--and then grab a watch a movie at home or go midnight bowling! I am horrible at bowling, but that is the fun of it! Or how about getting together with your girls and each one of your bring your favorite homemade dish to share. Instead of spending five dollars plus on lunch--pack one! Life is made up of choices--let's make better ones!

Besides, life's not about the money you spend but the moment you share......

It only takes one to start a revolution, so start today!

Monday, January 5, 2009

You should let me love you....

I love the song by Mario, You Should Let Me Love You. Though the center of the song expresses his desire to untimely love that woman who needs to be rescued from her ill love choice, when I listen to at this moment--it's playing right now on my playlist--I hear so much more. When is the last time I really loved myself? Followed my own desired to be fulfilled? Looked to purge and seek self-healing? Maybe it's the new year. Maybe it's the stress from the job. Maybe it's just my own soul yearning to be heard throughout all the madness surrounding me. I say I am at peace at this moment in my life. Though I may not be in the best position in my life, I refuse to stress myself with should've, could've, would've--I can alter nothing with stress! But maybe I do need to tighten the reigns a bit and truly take care of me.

By no means am I considering being selfish--far from. Society tells us when we choose to focus inward we narrow our view of the big picture--not true. If I am just a mess myself who can I help?? Granted I will never be in a position of perfection, I can still choose to be my best. And as I move further into that process I can then move to help others.

My complexity has be wanting to be in multiple places at one time, which is an impossible feat. So I must choose to lay aside the weight of others and carry my own cross for the moment. It cannot be buried any longer; for I keep making treks back to it and over looking it. I must face it head on now, and love it in its totality for it is all of me.

So I gotta love me. Such a complex task, but thank God I have been equipped to handle it and I don't have to do it alone!

Welcome to 2009!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution....

P.S. Yes 20 days are up! And he did not leave for California....that's a discussion for another post!