Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm Still Waiting

It has been too long. Way too long. Perhaps somewhere in the time frame of seven months. In the lean time I joined facebook--oh the devil, lost weight, gained it back, losing some now, had money trouble, got out of money trouble, feel in love, and let love go. My life has been in plethora--overabundance. In its original form the term is actually a medical term meaning excess of bodily fluid. I have no clue where I learned that from, but I do know it's befitting for my life at the moment. It is the state of affairs for me. I have an overabundance of things and no place to fit those things, literally and figuratively speaking.

My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.

How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...

One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.

I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....

Friday, February 5, 2010

Paying Tribute

Since it is February, the month of love--in some many forms and ways--romantic, platonic, and historical, I thought I would pay so "love" to one of the greatest teachers I encountered in my life; Mr. Charles warr. Mr. Warr was my 4th grade teacher at Franklin Elementary School. Tall, dark, big lips, and short fro Mr. Warr always gained our attention. In part because many of us were from homes with single mothers that daddies rarely visited it was great to have a true male authoritative figure that paid attention to us.

He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.

"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.

Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...

"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.

I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.

In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.

In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Limiting the limitless

I have so much that I wanna say but it seems to be stuck. Somewhere between yesterday and today. Like it didn't wanna rise from its seductive slumber, cozy under warm winter fleece blankets.

I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.

It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.

Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??

Thursday, January 28, 2010


So much has within the past month concerning me at the high school. I started back with my PR job, which is not the highlight of my career, but the job was given to me and I had no choice. I ain't when jobs become labors. I admit, I don't do the job well at all. I mean I do it half-ass. Seriously I do. I do the publication part great. Putting the news letter together and all that is like butter--easy on and off. But the other parts of the job just plain suck for me. So I took matters into my own hands and quit. Yep put in my letter of resignation and called it a d.a.y! I was so proud of myself for actually shutting my mouth and doing something positive. Besides the extra pay I get is well compensated with my night gig at the college. In fact what I make at the college is 50% more than the PR job! Now I can focus on my duties as a teacher..whew!

On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!

It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Happy 2010

I know, I know, I'm super duper late but Happy 2010 to all of my virtual world friends. May this year be all that you desire it to be. Take time to go beyond your "regular" yearly assessment and truly map your life. Make SMART goals. Goals that are:

Realistic &

So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)

Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)

So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.

So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.

So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....