Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Long time coming...

So its been quite a while since my last post and glad to say some new things have definitely come my way.

1. I'm officially closer to 30 than I'll ever be! Yes 29 yrs old! I would think that I would be flipping out over being 29 and not have all the fairytale wishes a girl plans in her teenage years---but I'm good. Yes I say that with confidence, I'm good! Like wine, I get better with age! I guess that is my new tag line!!! I realize that what I didn't have at 21 or 25 I now have at 29. I'm learning to understand and appreciate my value and worth as a beautiful black woman. I have chosen to be confident and patient. Too character traits that normally clash with each other in the modern world. But the two combined are a force to be dealt with!

2. I'm done riding the wave. Yes this is a good thing! Some of you may ask what the wave is, but that's for me to label and for you to appreciate metaphorically! I mentioned the wave in earlier post though. It was cool while it lasted. I'm grown enough to know when enough is enough and that two opposite directions can't move in the same way......

3. I'm progressing well through the grieving process. My brother, Taurus, was shot and killed in 2006 and I thought the world stood still, but to my dismay it didn't. I forced myself into work, and graduate school but now I am learning to deal with the grief instead of submerging it. I am facing it head on and that's a good thing.

So its the last day of 2008 and in review I can truly say I enjoyed 08. Like everyone there are some things I wish were different, but I can handle the fact that they are the way they are and that's cool. I don't have to be this superwoman in order to deal with life and love the position that I am in. I plan to take 09 month by month.

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution......

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

20 Days

So I found out last night that the guy I'm crushing will the leaving for California in 20 days! 20 days! Yes 20 days! Secretly I'm flippin out. At first I didn't think twice about but last night when we got to talking about it, reality hit me square in the face! I keep it to myself because I refuse to be selfish. I am under the impression that some things are better left unsaid. I don't want him to change his life for me. Do you, boo! If the move is what you need to better advance yourself and your skills, I am all for it. Maybe these next 20 days is all we are supposed to have.

I almost make it seem like its the end of something, but in all possibility it may be! I am definitely lavishing in the moments.

I know this is a short post, but I had to tell somebody!!!!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

New Job

So at this point I am totally loving the blog! Thanks Arthur for turning me on to the blog! I love writing but have found little time for my craft and blogging helps to clear my mind and for me to be reflective and connect to something real. So this week I have been considering applying for a new job. I love teaching but I am tired of the high school drama! I want a new circle, a new challenge. I think I have the seven year itch as educators call it! Can't stay in one place no more than seven years...time for something different. I would love to teach at the college level, specifically at the community college. I found a few openings for the 09 school year relatively close to me and I am going to begin working my resume and other requirements. So what's the problem, you may ask??? Well I love the people I work with at my current job! I love the kids, I love being a strong woman of color in a predominately white school. I love giving students an experience many of them will never have again in their life as white children, a black teacher. Yet the dichotomy is that I am the ONLY black teacher in the building! Yes, the only one of a faculty and staff of almost 100! I'm accustomed to the situation considering I was one of the limited numbers in my high school and college--in fact I was the ONLY black student in my college graduation class!

What the hell!!!! Just typing that right then almost made me cry!! Look at what I have experience. Thank God I have a job where I can pour my experiences and lessons into others!

Anyway--I love the high school I teach but hate the politics of it. I am so tired of athletics taking priority over academics, the 15% of students who seriously have NO home training, and no change! Change is so important and there is so little of it. Why do we look at the situation, talk about it and then do nothing! ugh! That's another blog for another day!

So I'm off to the next stage of my life: a new job---wish me well!

Friday, December 5, 2008

She Got Her Own Thang...

I'm known in my circle of family and friends as Mz. Independent: single, no children, educated, homeowner, etc. I'm praised for what they characterize as going the extra mile to accomplish my goals. But is this a blessing or a curse?? I recently meet a guy, Trent, who told be a few days ago that is what he likes about me--that I am not waiting for someone to hand me success, I choose to go after success for myself. I was amazed. Sure I hear it from my friends and family but they are friends and family. To hear it from a man is completely different. I can remember the times when guys would not give me the time of day because they were intimidated by what I quote on quote "have." What am I supposed to wait around to find someone and hope they share their pie with me!! I want my own damn pie! Now don't get me wrong, everybody needs somebody. I am a firm believe we were made for companionship and relationship, but at the same time we are individuals. I want to be known for having my own passions that burn fire in my belly. And support you in what you love to do.

Though the concept is changing, we still have the image of Independence confused. Sure Independence is about being self-sufficient, yet self-aware to know when pride has been elevated too high. Yes I do want a brotha to share my world and I share his, but that doesn't mean I must sacrifice my individual goals and dreams. I say we can have it all!! I'm aware enough to know success means nothing when there is no one to share it with!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Truth is....

So one her first album, (do people still say albums or am I dating myself???) Fantasia dropped the single, Truth Is. Just so happen I was listening to my playlist and that song came on.

Ran into an old friend yesterday
Caught me by surprise when he called my name
He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past
Talked for a while, asked him how it's been
Said that he was seeing somebody and
Told me this was gonna last
Showing me her photograph
And all the feelings that I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself
(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I'm still in love with you

When I heard it I instantly thought about my high school flame, Carthell. I think I still love him??? I use question marks because I am really trippin about this one! I mean do you ever really stop loving someone? Honestly I can say I have only really loved a couple of men in my short life, one I am completely over but Carthell, I don't know what it is about this dude that he is always on my mind! I am trying to rationalize every possible reasoning behind my feelings. Maybe it is that I infatuated with the idea of what could be if we were to get back together...or maybe its the idea I know he loved me when we were together. Real talk I know he loved me for me no questions asked. Maybe that's the deal. The ideal of his love being real is what captures my heart and makes me want he again! So maybe I didn't get over him. Maybe I am still in love with him?

In my short years, finding real love is not an easy task in 2008! It seems like I am not coming in contact with those men who want something real, not commercial and artificial. I am not saying it has be to a committed relationship. I am open to almost anything, almost! Friends first is my motto. No matter if the relationship is casual , temporary, or lasting in permanency, I want it to be real. Being a grow(ing) woman means I can accept the things that come in my life for a moment or a life time with no hard feelings whatsoever! Regardless, I'm ready for the next big thing or person in my life.

I am at a stage in my life where I am really thinking. Seriously I think about each step I make and why I make it and my intentions for making it! When I time has expired I don't wanna look back in regrets for anything! I wanna say I took ever opportunity to love, live, and grow!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Our Work Is Not Done Yet!

Wow...I know, I know Obamania is still surging strong! But, in all seriousness can you blame'em? Change is always worth the hubbub! As a Black woman, I never imagined seeing a Black man as a president; not because it was never done, but in part because the fact that racism still exist. People it was only 40 years ago that the Civil Rights Movement was in full swing. My mom is 49 yrs. old! I am four generations removed from slavery! Yes we have come a long way but the work is not done yet! We did nothing if we think getting Obama in office is were the work stopped! Don't get me wrong, it was amazing to see so many people voting, but why so late??? How can you be in your 30's and this is your first time voting? What a mockery to our grandparents for being lynched, burned, and beat for just trying to register to vote! People we have to get out and do something now! We have no excuse. Now it is really time for the real workers to get out and work! If we continue to let our neighborhoods go to hell, what was the purpose of being a part of making history? Change means change---doing something different. We must go beyond ourselves and help change the world!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Hurt Feelings

So this past week was a crazy one! One day I was on top, the next ready to quit quick!!! It's crazy how one moment the wind can be in your wings gliding you through the clear blue sky then you run smack dead into a tree and your caught. Can't move. Stuck. In life we expect these situations to arise...those who expect a clean and clear path don't expect to gain. I know the road, not matter which one it is, will never be easy. But I never expected the ones who are supposed to help me and encourage me on the road, are the ones who set the spikes for my flat! I was truly hurt this week. How do we move beyond hurt? True hurt that stings for more than a day or a week. How do we pick back up and get back on the road? It's been five days since the incident and I still feel the pain. And I had to work with the person today with an activity. I had to put on a happy face and go on despite my hurt feelings. And I did it. I took the low road of humility and stayed and worked through the 3 hour event. But I am still hurt! How do I move beyond??? Will I be able to get make the "me" again? Or do I have to evolve into this new being? I don't have all the answers. And I don't know if at this point I can willing to apply an answer to my problem.

It's amazing how our feelings can be the bane of our existence. Through these feelings we can love and create some amazing relationships yet, at the same time we can fall so hard that we don't get up again and never try to create again.

I am trying to move and do again. But when will I?

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Disease

Are you constantly inconsistent? Overwhelmed by the mounting " to do" list? Can't see past your cubicle walls? Sounds like my life at the moment! My dining room table has become the "catch-up" for all every pieces of mail delivered to my house. I have consistently refused to be a good "housekeeper" and thus the mountain before me seems too hard to climb! How did I get here? I openly ask myself this question and secretly repress the screaming answer on the inside! At some point I decided if I didn't deal with it, whatever that "it" may be, "it' will take care of itself. Now I need help from others in other to get out of this jam! What is a girl to do??? I'm sure I'm not the only one in this predicament! So I gotta get a game plan to get back on track! I think I have recognized my "Problem" now I need to get a solution to it. I need medicine to heal the disease! Please give me a prescription! Maybe I have the cure to my disease.......just maybe...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Journey Begins as it Ends....

I'm a virgin! Yes I said it and I am proud of it! I'm a virgin to the blog! After much encouragement from a good friend, thanks Art Nerd, I am officially taking the plunge. I have decided to dedicate this blog to my rebel feelings stirring on the inside. I am not quite what the outside world views me to my innermost being I yearn for a revolution. Yes a right out war against the machine. What is the machine you ask? Whatever ill that this moment my desire is to revolt against the dream killer---the machine who told some young boy or girl there is not place for him or her in this wide world. That the gift and talent they were born with has no purpose and is worthless! Rebel--Lauryn Hill said it best "while today is still today choose well--" I choose to fight the machine. It only takes one to start a I start now. One can impact many and many millions! So my journey with the status qua ends and my revolution begins....I begin to dream again. Believe in the impossible and see the intangible. I dream so I can get others to see their own vision! Welcome to by blog!