Monday, November 23, 2009

What was I thinking??

So apparently this morning I broke the cardinal rule (and didn't even know it). I was getting dressed for this short week, we have to work Monday & Tuesday then Teacher institute Wednesday, and my phone rings and I answered it. My ear hustling boyfriend who is still laying in the bed wakes up as I end my conversation:

Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."

So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!

So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...

Saturday, November 7, 2009


So earlier in the week I gave one of my senior classes an excerpt of Dr. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon University. I know you all heard of him; innovative man who turned the virtual world into reality and died last year at 47 years old. He shares some amazing things in his speech. I seemed to get more out of it than the kids. That happens sometimes. Information that I hope the would make a connection to goes right over their heads. Some days I seriously wonder what the ???? I was thinking deciding to become a teacher. But anyway, back to the speech! He shared one thing that really hit me dead between the eyes...

"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"

Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.

It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?

I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Voice Over

I've been head over heels into Sista Souljah's first book, No Disrespect. My girl picked it up for me years away when she heard Souljah speak at a college function. I picked it up back then and put it down because her first fiction piece, The Coldest Winter Ever had my attention. But at this juncture in my life its fitting. She tells about those who have made an impact in her life. Though she's a bit radical in thought, I really enjoy the read. Her syntax is amazing! She makes nonfiction, no matter the situation sound elegant! Seriously! Even her foul language sounds good! I love the way the words slide off of the page into my imagination!

Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!

The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.

So here's my first step into the unknown!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Happy One Year to Me!!!

It's official...have been blogging for a full year. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with it. Thanks Art for getting me hooked on blogging. Without you I wouldn't be the writer I have become today! Happy year to me!!!

It's been too long...

I haven't blogged in weeks. Don't know why. Maybe it's the two jobs, S.O., and other social aspects that have been in the way..LOL. Seriously the two jobs are making me work hard! I love them but it is a difficult task. I wish that I could quit the full time and work two part times, but don't think that's gonna happen soon!!! My guy says that I can't quit working because I'm not in the prime of my life. So I told him he has got to hit it big or win the lottery so I can work part time and write full time..he smiled and said he would get right on it!!!

I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!

Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The List

I thought it only befitting that I shared my list since I did talk about it yesterday. It's just a list. I am not saying I am committed to following through on anything on it at this point in my life. Although I have three tattoos I would love more. I just can't seem to justify the spending the extra cashola on a tat when it could go some place else with immediate benefits, like the house or even car. Both had projects that need to come started or finished. Anywhoo amuse my imagination:

1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.

2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.

3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.

4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL

5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.

6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3

7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!

8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!

9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!

So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Free Falling

While on my addiction, in laymen's terms Facebook, I read a post my a friend's wall. It was a well known quote, Leap and the net will appear. I really like it. Like really, really like it. I'm definitely adding it to my list of sayings to get tatooed on my body. Digress Yes I gotta list. Some of the them will never made the cut, literally, but I just like having the list. At the moment I'm planning to get a bible versus in hebrew. I know, I know. Some people don't agree with my love of body art which I can respect. But it's my love, my body, and I have to live with it. Now back to the subject at hand!

So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.

Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.

I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!

So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I was thinking...

So Imma avid reader of, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.

Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...

So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.

If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??

So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Come get this pleasure

I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!

I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.

The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.

In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Fight

It was a knock down, drag out. Seriously we were an inch from breaking up I could go on forever about the cause, but I won't bore over the details any longer. I don't even wanna give life to them. It was resolved, we both apologized--not just one of those blank Im sorry, but I'm sorry for _______. Which made me feel so much better. One thing I learned: when you say your done with it--no matter what it may be, be done. I told him I took his word on the issue, and it's a dead issue now. He really appreciated me for saying it. And I thought it was amazing that I was able to say it.

My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.

Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...

Monday, September 14, 2009


This morning I feel as if I haven't sleep in days, when in actuality I have. In fact been going to bed at no later than 11 PM each night, but I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Even my emotions are going through a roller coaster. Despite it all I'm determined to push myself beyond the way I feel. That's what life is about, right--pushing it to the limits. I don't know my limits in some areas yet, but in others I am fully aware of where I am willing NOT to go.

I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:

I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It Was a Good Trip

So this past weekend I flew to MN to see my baby. We got off to a very rough start. I mean rough!! We argued while I was at Midway before the plane departed and we had a nice silent ride when I arrived. But it comes with the territory! I really enjoyed just being his is company. One night we just chilled; he watched ESPN and I messed around on Facebook. I realized I had missed him so much and this distance thing was a lot for me. I know I can survive it but it is going to be a work in progress. I know that both of us could be so much better if we were closer in distance. Honestly it does make a difference when you are 10 minutes away versus 900 miles. Yeah just about 900 miles..a 2 1/2 hour drive to Chicago then an hour flight and I'm there in half the time, but when that is not an easy sojourn!

This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.

We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it moment at a time!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Haven't Done This in Awhile.....A Piece of a Short Story

She didn't lift her head. Just went on nibbling the cheese off the wax paper. It wasn't that fresh gooey cheeseburger cheese either. This cheese had time to get harden to a cold clump. The burger had been in my bag for about two hours. I bought fresh from the drive through but got so caught up grading papers I'd forgot I had it stashed on top of all the other forgotten items in my purse. There was no way I was going to carry a cheeseburger into the office. My internal eyes knew someone would see this plus sized frame and give the side eye. A small slip of the mental conversation he or she wanted to have with me. Yeah all of this was going through my head as I watched her diligently eat it all. I had to stop myself from starring but of course it was too late.

She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.

"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.

"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.

Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.

I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.

The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?

"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.

"Okay. What kind of help do you need."

"Every kind."


So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Debrief...I Found It

I know, I know. I promised to give the details of teaching my first community college class. Sorry I have been super tired from trying to adjust to the new schedule and the fact that I have to be at work all and sometimes all night...what happened to those summer days????

Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.

Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Did I Say I Was Nervous...

Well I am! Seriously I feel a calm about the situation but at the same time my mind is going a mile a minute! Tonight will be the first class of the night course I teach at the local community college. I went on the final details of my syllabus, made all the needed changes and now all I have to do is print. I decided to print it off on purple paper but I don't wanna be the obsessive instructor that color codes everything so I will tread lightly---I promise! But I'm in overdrive thinking of all the details that I might have missed along the way. Just trying to make sure all my basics are covered for the first day. It's my worst fear that I am going to forget something important!

On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.

So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Aww..Friday is here!

Yes, yes it is finally arrived, beloved Friday. The day we all look forward to on Monday!!! Thus far my Friday has been filled with great things. School's out. We are operating on a "heat schedule" (though at the moment it is raining) until after Labor Day so school is dismissed at 1:45. My classes were really good. I taught bell to bell (when the bell rings to begin and then to dismiss) and I had all the student's attention! I'm so proud of myself. I know it is only the beginning, but good starts lead to great finishes!!!

I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)

I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....

And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Don't Carry Nothing That Might Be a Load...

So I'm partially addicted to Facebook. I say partially because I don't get all into the extra stuff you can do like sorrity life, farmville, etc. I just wanna keep up with those I have lost contact along the way and most importantly be semi-noise. I care how your life has been going but.....the point (oh yeah let me get back to it) is that my girl Queen had these lyrics posted on her wall and it totally got me thinking.

First it has been forever since I seen The Wiz. I know everyone is on a MJ kick and maybe it's a flick I might try to go find in the next week or so. But really struck me was the revelation of those simple words. ..

Come on And

Ease on down, Ease on down the road
come on, Ease on down, Ease on down the road
don't you carry nothing that might be a load come on, Ease on down Ease on down, down the road

Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Pick your left foot up, when your right foots down
Come on lets keep moving and don't you lose the ground
You just keep on Keepin' on the road that you choose
Don't you give up walking cause you gave up shoes

Ease on down, Ease on down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)

Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the....

For there may be times, when you wish you wasn't born
And you wake one morning just to find your courage gone
but you know that feeling only last a little while
you just stick with us we'll show you how to smile (yeah)

Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down(ease on down the road)
Get 'em up Get 'em up (ease on down the road)

I mean what else is there to say??? The lyrics along speak for themselves! As I walked into my classroom today (yes today was my first official day back--mixed feelings) I decided that I don't have to carry the burdens that were not my own. This year in order to be the best teacher I gotta be the best person all around. This means I gotta relieve my back of loads that I had no business carrying in the first place.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


According to the justice system, human life has no value. NFL quarterback Donte Stallworth received 30 days for killing a 59 year old pedestrian while driving drunk but Michael Vick served 18 months for running a dog fighting ring. I don't get it. Put all the monetary issues aside and really consider this situation, human vs animal. I understand some people value their pets but I'm quite sure it hurt me most to lose my brother than our puppy. In fact I forgot about losing the pup until about an hour ago, but I will never forget that brother was killed.

What a sad state. Human life has lost its value. This man killed a man. Not slightly injured. Mr. Mario Reyes will never be seen, touched, or heard again. Though the same can be said for those poor dogs but there are more dogs. In fact the animal shelter has to euthanize dogs everyday because there are no homes for them and little fuss is made.

Though I am the ultimate Falcon fan in no way am I justifying Vick's actions. Just pointing out the inconsistencies in life.....

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Over and Over

Gotta say things are getting better for me. Since Saturday I have had a great release and I'm realizing not going to see Old Flame was a good thing for me. I did some work at my church and I heard a song that really pushed me into my sunshine. I realized there is a bright sun after the clouds.....

Vashawn Mitchell featuring Kim Burrell Over and Over

Over and over I ask myself what am I still doing here
Continually to continue to wake me up again
What am I still doing here, that is the question
I ask myself, what am I still doing here?
These are the questions in my head,
Lord I'm asking for your help to find myself
my life you kept

You keep loving me, when I couldn't even love myself
You forgive me when I do wrong over and over again
You chastise me, Lord you put me back in my place
That's how you show me you love me over and over again

So there must be a reason why I'm still here
It is evident and it is so clear
There is a calling,calling on my life
A higher calling, that's why I gave you my life

Friday, August 7, 2009

Self Sabatoge

So I'm supposed to fly up North to see Old Flame tomorrow (Saturday, but I don't think I am going to go. Why? I have no clue. I'm at a point in my life where I am broken. I have lost some motivation over the past few months. I'm not lost, but I'm not found by no means. I think about my brother everyday. The slightest thing can make me emotional. Like to the point where I cry!

My Aunt says it's God trying to get my attention. He's waiting for me to turn back to Him and really fall before Him. I do agree. My spirit is lacking a bit. I am the first to admit. I have fallen off on my personal relationship with God. I was so much more attentive to it, but lately it has been like everything else getting less than what it deserves.

I also am having second thoughts about Old Flame. I'm asking myself if this is what I really want. I don't feel like I have anything to offer at the moment. I found myself the other day totally doing things out of character just to get a rise out of him. In my mind I was flippin like, whooooaa this is not the Tiffany I know. He paid for my way to come see him but I don't wanna go. I want to go so that we can have a great face to face conversation but at the same time I am not sure about this. I think because I can all these wacky feelings going on in my mind and heart that being with him will only complicate my issues. And I don't need any more complexities at the moment.

So what is a girl to do?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Am I Needy?

So I worked the majority of the day moving into a new classroom across the hall from my current classroom. Though I'm not super excited about the move, I'm trying to be a team player, ya know. I made a bitch move in May and now I may be paying for it! Not one of my finest moments but I gotta deal with it. Being a bitch can be costly. Anyway that's so not the direction I intended to go with this post. But I may have to go back and explore the cost of being a bitch later in a post! Everything has a price, huh?

Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.

But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--
I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm goin outta my mind

But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).

I feel like I gotta hold on so tight so that I won't lose grip of this new thing in my life. Why I feel this way???? IDK Part of my is afraid of losing someone that I love so dear like I lost my brother. In my mind I know it's a totally different situation and person but my heart is so tender and afraid. Old Flame came at the time when I realized I had not dealt with my brother's death and I began to walk through the process. He has been so good during this time. He listens to me cry and helps me to "see" the situation and that sometimes I tend to be a bit harsh on myself.

So besides this transfer of fear I guess I'm looking at the coming months & wondering if I really want this relationship or I am trying to find a way to back out. Part of me is like I don't need this right now. Not being self-centered at all, I can basically have any man that I want. Being a single woman is a damn powerful situation! I can date and play the field. I can have my cake and eat it too! Been then done that and it's really not me. It gets tiring after a way. You just want one man to love you for who you are. So now that I have that why do I feel like I am being super needy with him.

Maybe the distance thing is playing with my mind. Do I think he has some chick up there, nope! I have no doubt in my mind that he only has eyes for me. That's not the issue. It's something that I can't seem to put my hands on right now. Something is making me wanna be all in his grill and I really don't wanna be all in his grill---if that makes sense!

Maybe it's the time. He has always been in and out of my life. But no matter where I was he always found me. Our high school time together was so puppy love and fresh. Then I went to college and we saw each other at odd places--gas stations, stoplights, etc. He even thought about moving back home. I was so focused on school that I didn't give him a lot of attention. I knew if I took my eye off school for one moment, it was over! I was a couple of steps away from wildin' out and I knew it! So I had to play him to the left in a little bit. So now that we are adults and the opportunity has presented itself again I don't wanna lose it so I hold on dearly to it all.

So what makes me think I am needy? Well the fact that I wanna talk to him any chance I get--lately 3 or 4 times a day. I don't care if the conversations are 8 minutes or 30 minutes. I just wanna hear his voice. It's odd to me too. I think something is wrong with me.......

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I'm Home!

So I made it in this morning from beautiful Atlanta, GA. The weather was super nice for my vaca and all was well--I take that back; it was a roller coaster of a trip.

#1 Touched down Saturday--one of the best flights I have ever taken total trip time 1:25 mins. But it took 2 hours to get to my dad's because of the traffic! 85 was down to one lane so we tried to take a different route and it was stand still traffic!!! I was in traffic longer than I was on the dang-on plane.

#2 Saturday night I spent with my cousins--got a little wasted. Take that back a lot wasted on Skyy vodka. I normally don't drink much but Skyy is so smooth you really don't realize how much you are drinking. Then went to the Waffle House. Trouble! I was soooooo sick the next day. I could barely move! I think it was the food. I was straight until I ate. I sleep the whole day--literally the whole day. It wasn't until Monday that I started feeling better.

#3 I had courage enough, after 8 trips down there, to finally start driving around by myself. I was soooo excited. Like a 16 yr. old with her L's! I drove my step-mom's truck everywhere! It was starting to feel like a second home!

#4 So I'm my dad's only child. He has been living in the ATL area since I was six. I started visiting him when I turned 14. Of course he takes care of me when I visit, but this visit was a little different. He bought me anything I wanted. Seriously! I didnt have to come out of pocket for anything. He even bought me a laptop----I KNOW! I was so shocked and excited that I got scared. It was like the still quiet before the storm.

#5 I love my cousins but damn! One has a BAD ass son! This little dude is an hell raiser! He doesn't want to got to the bathroom so he shits & pisses in corners of the house. Too much!

#6 Ate at my fav ATL area spot, This is it! I love that place! It's about 40 mins from my dad's house but damn it worth the drive!

#7 Got a phone call while on vaca asking me to work in the writing lab at the local community college. Way stoked! God is really showing me favor! I'll be teaching a night class there as well. I think this might be my time to shine! Watch out! They done gave me an opening now I'm about to kick some walls down so somebody can have a better view!

#8 My cousin made me miss my flight. I was highly pissed! I mean highly! Thankfully I got rescheduled for free. But if I had to pay then there was going to be hell to pay the piper! But now that I'm home I'm good! I know now not to depend on them suckas!

I'm back home chillin on the new laptop, hey it's kinda nice! I like! Imma relax and get ready to head up north in a few days to see Old Flame--I gotta see my baby! Then its back to work! Yuck!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Headed to ATL

The day has finally come for me to head to ATL. I'm sooo excited to see my daddy and my step-mom. I try to make it down there at least once a year. I know that seems so long between visits but hey we are in a recession. And besides I really only like to fly. Sit back relax and one hour and 45 minutes later we are in ATL. If I were to drive it like 11 hours...9 hours too long!!! But I'm excited about going. My BFF is going to. She just so happens to be engaged to my cousin and it is going to be the first time we are travelling together. The only time I really get to travel is in the summer because of work. Besides who like to take a trip only to take work with you and come back to more work!!

Though I'm uber (a step above super) excited about going I am still a little sadden. Old Flame does care about me going but he knows this is like my "last" trip for a while and he wanted to see me again before I go back to work. I'm trying to work my schedule to take one more trip before I head back to work on the 17th. It's gonna be tough. And I may have to bring work with me, which is never a pleasure. But I guess I will have to make it work if I do decide to go see him.

On the other hand, my lame a** laptop crashed again. Yes last summer the hard drive crashed and it has happened again! I can't decide if I want to get it fixed again or chalk it up to the game and purchase a new one. Cost effectiveness tells me it may be cheaper to have it repaired than buy a new one. But I can see the custom one right now. Me clicking away on the keys working out the details of this new book idea I got. I really got two concepts that I desperately need to get on paper. The information is swirling in my head the vanilla has mixed with the chocolate and its coming together but I gotta get it out. Why is "turning" the handle the hardest part??? I got this "stuff" in my creative mind and I don't take the time to get it out!! I'mma mess. I know that writing is a gift from God but I have not had the passion to pursue it like I used to. There's a big disconnect somewhere and I have yet to find it. Maybe this vaca will help to refocus on what I really want to do. I honestly believe my wealth is tied into my writing. Though I love teaching I have yet to meet the millionaire teacher!!!! LOL

At any rate I'm off!!! Maybe I'll come back with pics from the A! Deuces for about a week or so!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Can You Stand the Rain?

Yeah I know the title of another song. But this time it's not Mint Condition. It's New Edition. BTW they was the bomb on the BET Awards! Even BBD put it down! Okay back to the I just got done talking to Old Flame and he was so excited that even though he was not in the best of moods talking to me managed to make him feel better. I smiled when he said this. To me what's the point of the conversation if it can't be personable, ya know?? I mean I don't think I told him anything special. I just reminded him that it will rain from time to time in our life; it's supposed to. But I'm in his corner and no matter what it is I'm hear to listen and support. He says that I'm the only woman who has never judged him and who really sees him for who he really is...I was so touched when he said those words.

That's what I'm here for, right? I mean the point of being in a relationship or building any relationship for that matter if you can't find solace and comfort in know that when it pours you have someone to hold the umbrella as you wonder to and fro? Honestly we all need somebody and I'm happy I could be that person for him. Today's conversation made he realize why I am falling in love with him. He is so transparent. He let's me see him as he is and he is not ashamed of the mistakes he has made because the are an instrumental part of the man he has become. I think that is such a rarity and I love it. It makes for real conversation and generally great communication. I don't mind getting wet with him on my side.......

On a perfect day I know that I can count on you.
When that's not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?
Cause I need somebody who will stand by me.
Through the good times and bad times
she will always, always be right there.
Sunny days, everybody loves them, tell me baby can you stand the rain?
Storms will come, this we know for sure.
Can you stand the rain?
Love unconditional--I'm not asking this of you
And girl to make it last I'll do whatever need to be done.
But I need somebody who will stand by me.
When it's tough she won't run.
She will always be right there for me.
Sunny days everybody loves them
Tell me baby can you stand the rain? Can you stand it?
Storms will come, I know, I know all the days won't be perfect.
This we know for sure, But can you stand it?
Can you stand the rain?
Can you stand the rain?
Can you stand the rain? No pressure, no pressure from me baby.
Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you girl.
Tell me baby can you stand the rain?
Will you be there for me?
Come on baby let's go get wet.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Meant to be Mint

So I have always talked about my love for Mint Condition...the BEST band in the world, and yesterday Old Flame called me so I could listen to one of his fav songs and it just so happen to be Mint Condition's Nothing Left to Say on their most recent album, E-life, by the way is an independent release. He is into producing music and he loves the concept of the song. As he played it I mouthed the words, I know them all on this cd and the last one too, Livin' the Luxury Brown. Listening to the song I realized I really love the fact that we vib on a lot of things. Stealing a from my fav band, I believe we are meant to be.....

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I'm Ready

At this very moment I have come to the conclusion that I'm ready. Yeah it's a lovely thing to be ready. I'm ready to love, to be responsible, to take ownership of all my past errors, and present short comings, to give, to receive, to listen, to be heard, to stop running and face my fears in all their forms, to walk into my destiny with no restraints, become the woman God created me to be, to create the written work God gave me on paper for the word to read.....

I'm ready for all ready has to offer......

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Still Working it Out...

I wish I was still working out as in exercising! While I kinda still do. I walk every morning for at least an hour. It's not just a causal walk either. A very brisk walk. It def makes me sweat! And then a feel much better afterwards. But the work I'm talking about is work! This newsletter is getting tedious. The editing portion is a lot of work. My eyes get tired and then I just wanna stop. Then I realize that I gotta deadline.

But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.

Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.

Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out! summer goals...well they are still goals!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm Backkkkkkkk!!!

Yes, after a week of recovery I'm back. 100%. Thank God for docs & medicine! I'm not one of those who look toward "natural" healing. Hey, docs have a purpose on this earth and I am going to make sure they fulfill it! And that's what I got insurance for. I still have no clue how I got sick. Maybe it was a bad sinus infection, (that's my self diagnosis!) who knows. But I'm all good now. No more infection!

So I can't believe June is over. and I have only read one book. I am sooo disappointed with myself. This is not a good summer. I have yet to write for pleasure. My poor book is being abused. At this point I don't even know if I will get to it. I am still working on the district newsletter. I should meet my deadline on that with no problem.

The book....I read Sapphire's PUSH. I read it in a day. It was short. Definitately had my attention with its creativity and approach but it lacked in the substance to me. The storyline is absolutely powerful but I felt there could have been more depth to it. I finished the book asking a lot of questions that were not answered in the novel.

The others....I picked up a book of prayers, which I try to read two a day. I really like this book. I also have The Alchemist by Coelho and some other book that I found on the clearance shelf at Barnes & Noble. Hey, it's by a black guy and it was 4.98...had to give it a shot. Some of my favs have been on the clearance shelve.

By the way, Barnes & Noble is like heaven for a nerd like me! When I pull into the parking lot I can feel my heart begin to race. I wanna take all of the books home with me, I mean ALL the books! I never walk out of the place with more than one book. And this visit I bought four! But back to the original....feeling better, need to get back on track with summer goals, relationship with Old Flame is going's good to be back!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm Sick

Ain't this crazy?? The weather gets nice and I get sick. It hit me all of a sudden on Sunday, itchy throat, ear ache, and some itchy eyes. I thought it was just my allergies or sinuses so I just chilled out. But Sunday I didn't even get out the bed! Called the doc on Monday got in that morning and guess a viral infection in my throat and ear. It hurts like hell! I'm so so tired, so tired! LOL So I might be out for the count for a few days. Been drinking vitamin water, surprisingly its really good! I guess Black Mamba (Kobe) and The Chosen One (Lebron) know what they talking about....

Sunday, June 14, 2009

It's A Family Affair

My weekend was quite eventful. On Saturday my family and I attended a family picnic. Not just my immediate family, I'm talking about my whole family. All the decedents of my great-grandfather and his siblings. It turned out to be really nice. So many people showed up most I had never even meet before. All in all I enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about Old Flame. He's coming in town on Monday. And to make matters more interesting, everyone who knows about me and him keep asking about when he was coming in and all the other details.

I was reluctant to spill the beans, but it all just came running out like water! As I spoke I couldn't believe how I was so excited about him. I thought I had these emotions and feelings all under control, but in retrospect I could see I am really falling for this man! I have never felt this in my life about anyone. Even the men I thought I loved! LOL My feelings amaze when me! I guess it's not until you begin to express yourself in spoken word and hear your own voice that you realize what you have on the inside.

Oh I almost forgot the good stuff!!! So at the park with the fam, one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in a long time gave me the sadididdy...yeah you know the one who thinks she has it all in control and is soooo much better than you!!! Now keep in mind I know her and her husband very well. But he had to refer to him by "my husband" not by his name. And "my husband" is management so I don't have to work, I'm a stay-at-home mom....blah blah blah. I so wanted to say "bitch do I look like I care???" Seriously do you but you in no way gotta be nasty about it! I hate that attitude! She has always been this way toward me. I'm starting to think she has a little jealousy running in her veins! Family---gotta lov'em!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Bland Weekend

So was it me or was the game yesterday one of the most boring game you ever seen in your life? Of course I would have loved to be court side, but I would have been pissed to be there last night. I do commend the Orlando Magic for fighting hard last night instead of a blow out like game one. But come on! Is this going to be a four game final? I need some excitement . . . in this series that is.

On the other end I could use some excitement in my life. For the last few nights I have been bored. I know it's strange I can honestly say it's been an extremely long time since I have been bored, but last night and the night before I was bored. I was in a silly mood wanting to laugh and be funny but I didn't want to be around my usual crowd of weekend parties. I guess it's the summer blues before I gotta get some work down. I gotta start working on the summer newsletter for the school this week, so I wont have time to be bored now.

I did some painting over the weekend. It turned out better than I expected. I have more paint and would love to paint my sister's room but i gotta prime first. I hate priming. I really hate painting because using a roller makes my hands rough. I know that is such a girly statement but it is true. I loath rough skin of any kind, especially on the hands. Anyway that is so far from the point.

I went to church Sunday and realized I lost something over the last few months. My desire, drive, and determination has been slowly fading. I gotta find it and the only way to renew it is to get my to fortifying my relationship with God.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Maxin' and Relaxin'

So even though I am done for the summer, teaching that is, I still have the responsibility of working on our school district's quarterly newsletter. I started getting the information together while school was still in session, but there is still more work to do. And in my usual fashion, I am putting it off! Yes I have NO energy to go back to the school to get things done so that I can start putting the newsletter together. I want to relax for a minute. At this point I really don't wanna do any work at all. I don't wanna edit a story, read about the fees for the upcoming school year, change the dates, etc. I just wanna max and relax!!!

In other news, Old Flame and I have been talking on the regular. The more I talk to him the more I can see our future connecting. Yet I don't wanna think to much on the issue because I want my feelings to be genuine and true not contrived and planned. Last week he told me he loved me. I responded, "I know." According to my girl J Luv, that was the wrong response!! I didn't feel like I could say it back, yet. I mean I do love him a lot, but I don't wanna get caught in emotions and dreams. But I really do know he loves me. He tells me and his actions tell me as well. I'm sure one day I will tell him....

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Lack of Judgment???

Old Flame and I have been really working on renewing our relationship and thus far its been going good. I am really discovering why I loved him then which makes he love him even more now. On the flip side I am faced with some of the same issues we dealt with then now. All the big relationship issues I'm cool with, for example, trust, honesty, loyalty, etc. But I really wonder if he is ready for a relationship. I don't want him selling me big dreams. sure it all sounds good, don't just be a talker, be a walker. I'm at a point in my life were I'm ready to settle down and enjoy one man in my life. I enjoy playing at the moment, but pimpin aint easy, ya heard! It's so hard to explain my feelings because I they are everywhere at the moment! Which is so not me. I'm trying to pull back find my focus and make sure my emotions aren't making the decisions for me.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Neti Pot

So my aunt decided it would be a good idea for me to try this old technique of "cleaning" my nasal passages in order to breathe better, yada, yada, yada! I the little nose tea pot and follow the directions. Instantly I feel like I'm drowning! I know its funny as hell! I panic and drop the stupid thing in the sink and all it a D.A.Y. (gotta say it all spelled out!) My eyes are red and my nose is burning and I can't breathe! This was my second tine trying this thing. Needless to say either I don't know what the heck I'm doing or I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I sleep horrible last night! I was so congested, I tossed all night---damn neti pot!

But this morning I got to know I feel the way my life is at the moment--congested! We only have final exams left and I am have been up to my eyeballs grading those last papers and assignments. The last three whole days have been spent in meetings that last allllllllll day. I haven't been able to get what I need accomplished. Then I go home to work on the basement. I spent the last two nights painting, which I don' mind. But I might change my mind cause I can see a callous forming on my hand--damn! Gotta get a manicure now! Can't have rough hands--I'm a lady!

I'm just ready to be done with everything--work, home renovations, people, everything! I know most people say, "your a teacher you get the whole summer off!" Damnit I deserve it! People have no clue how exhausting it can be to work with teens and their issues and their parents, especially their parents. I don't teach a subject that I can leave at work--I teach English, specially writing classes. All I do is grade papers! Now I'm not complaining, I LOVE what I do and would not change it for the world, but damn I'm tired!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I Normally Don't Do This....


I really don't blog on the weekends. Usually it's during the work week in between classes and grading papers. But today I have had enough! For the most part my weekends are relax and calm but today was a new one! I have had an attitude from hell. Seriously. Pure devil created! I sleep well last night, got up early this morning, got dressed and went to make a run and then the levees broke! As I walked to my car I noticed the garbage was everywhere! I normally put the garbage can in the garage because I live in a wooded area and the raccoons love my trash. But I didn't take the trash out. A friend who was over last night took it out for me and I specifically told him to put the can in the garage after you put the trash in it. Guess he didn't hear me. I had to pick up trash this morning! Felt like I had to scrub my hands 15 times. I was soooo pissed! When he called me I had to calm my rage and tell him in a kind voice--"hey if you so happen to take the trash out for me again and you be sure to place the trash can in the garage?" I guess my kind voice worked cause he was apologetic.

Oh but it doesn't end here. I get back home and Old Fame calls. I had just made me some breakfast and was ready to chow. I was excited to hear from him, but then he went there! I'm asthmatic and the cool air can sometimes do funky stuff to my breathing so I was wheezing when I answered the phone. I give him the spill and tell him I gotta get in to see my doc cause my inhaler ran out. Then he started fussing at me about it. I flipped out! I am so tired of people telling me to do this and do that, call here, so see this and make an appt for that! Get off my ass!!! He was just icing on the cake..our "spat" escalates and we both are pissed. He says bye I say so what! And we haven't talked all day! I know my rage was displaced.

But wait it gets sweeter! The construction guy for my basement is taking his effing time and did not show up yesterday. Now I understand that time is money! I am so frustrated with him I could scream! By 6PM he had done a 360 and so much had been done but that doesn't take away the fact that I am pissed at him.

So I needed this blog today to calm me down and to release the red and take in the blue.

What a day!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Being a Better Me

So I haven't been the best person I could be. (side note--have you noticed I tend to start each entry off with the word so?? Kinda funny to me being the English teacher and knowing every time I do start my sentences in that manner they are not complete sentences, only fragments, more specifically a dependent clause--relies on the other portion of the sentence in order to function properly--I know the nerd in me comes out every now and then.) I made it up in my mind at the mid of February that I really wanted to make some positive changes--the annual clean the closet. Get rid of some of the people who mean me know good. Make better financial choices concerning my house, education, and general spending. Concentrate on my writing. Make better plans when it comes to my daily teaching and the PR job. These are just a few areas I really wanted to focus in on. And as I reflect back, at this moment I'm not being the best I can be. I know we all have the tendency to be much more harder on ourselves than we should but this is not the case.

I gotta step up my game. I'm totally off my square and in this day and age one decision come be a costly mistake. I do give myself some credit with my house. I got the roof fixed--had a horrible pest problem--damn raccoons, and the work on the basement started last week. Of course I had a major push in these areas to get the work done--my family! My mom and siblings are moving into my house. She works for a Fortune 500 company who is doing rolling layoffs and things are tight. She tried putting her house on the market but it was just not going for the price it should--damn housing bubble--so she is renting it out. I am happy that I can be in a position to help her which I know she would do for me. We choose her house to rent out because only minor repairs need to be done. Mine on the other hand, needs a few major projects--renovating the kitchen and bath the top two. Our overall goal is to get both houses in market condition in the next two years so we can sell them and buy a large one together. Secretly I'm hoping that my time in Midwest IL will be over by then and I can sell and get the hell outta dodge! Warmer winters have been calling my name in the distance....shhh...I can hear them now........Tiffany....Tiffany

I can also give myself some credit for my job. I have gotten much better at organization and keeping my lesson plans this moment it may look appear to be true looking at the mound of crazzap on my desk! But to my defense I just made the mess today! I'mma clean it off before I leave school...looking at the clock I had better hurry because the bell rings in 15 mins!!! (Not gonna happen--I'll stay late---maybe!) I use the say system for my high school kids as I do my college courses--a syllabus which is planned out a month at a time. It seems to keep me on track.

Now is where I have fallen, money, money! I can be honest and say I didn't take after my mother's frugal and budget mind! I tend to spend whatever I can. I have very little in my savings and if something catastrophic where to happen today I would be screwed. Seriously! I maintain well but I have got to get a reserve. I think I need shopper's anonymous--really I do. And I'm being honest at that. I don't need an occasion to buy..I just do. And I don't buy all the time for myself--my family, friends, etc....I know there is a root to this issue but I have yet to figure it out....

So at the end of the school year I would have to grade myself with a D- I firmly feel the negativity of the money issue outweighs the positives I have done....I have got to become a better me...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Counting Down the Days

In ten days I will be driving to Minnesota to see Old Flame. I'm so excited about it and a little nervous too. The nerves come because I haven't seen in so long. Of course I've seen pictures and he looks the same, a little bit buffer, but the same. But to physically get to see me and in person be able to talk to him is going to feel soooo good. And of course maybe the other thing might happen!!!! I went out and bought him a gift; some Ed Hardy cologne. It smells soo manly! I knew it was the one, not only because I liked the smell but because it did something to me! I instantly felt exotic!

But I have soo many feelings and thoughts running through my mind right now, I can't even focus or make sense of it all. I just know that I am going to take my time and not rush into anything...

Monday, May 4, 2009

Summer Plans

I know it's quite a bit of time away before it can officially become summer--but I'ma teacher and I plan ahead! This year I really wanna focus on doing what I wanna do--seriously the past few summers have been while a challenge with my brother's death, then grad school two summers in a row. So I really want this one to be special. So here is what I have planned:

#1 Work on my national board certification. National board certification would allow me to teach at any school in the nation plus they give you a stipend of 5 grand for the first 5 fives you are certified. Because I wanna get my Phd I think this is the best option. I would love to attend UNC at Chapel Hill. They have the number one English program in the nation. But the likelihood of me getting into that program is slim! On GP imma go for it, but I am not expecting to be accepted into the program. I know that sounds crazy, but it's a sense of realty to me. I know what I can and can not do! But I am willing to try! So my back-up is to go to UNC at Greensboro! In the end, my degree will still say UNC!!!! So in order to make sure I would still have a j.o.b. anywhere I go, I gotta go for the National Board Cert. The best part of it is I have a few friends to go through the process with me. We can do a projects together so I'm really looking forward to it.

#2 WRITE!! Yes I gotta get the fingers clickin'! Since my class graduate class I haven't wrote for pleasure (which was August). I have a novel that has been in the works for about five years or so. Started in college and then used part of it for a creative writing project in grad school. My professor loved it and told me to seriously pursue I'm gonna take her advice and get to writing. I plan to spend the summer writing no matter where I go, my laptop will go with me! I know that writing can be my bread & butter if I work it right!!! I'm a firm believer of the Word..God has given us all the power to obtain wealth!!

So there are my summer plans...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When Will You Call?

I've had enough. I usually call, but being that he may have been sleep I sent a text. I broke the rules, I know. The topic alone deserves a phone call versus the text, but like I said I've had enough. For the last week I have been going rounds with Old Flame about calling me. Granted, he does have a busy life, barber school 9 to 5 five days a week, then he goes to the studio to help local artist produce tracks. Sometimes he doesn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. Then on the weekends he has his son. But that is still is not an excuse. What's five minutes to say, "Hey how's it goin?" or what's a text to say, "I was thinking of you?" I don't care how long it is that we talk, all I care about is that we talk! It can be in the car on the way to the studio or right before you go to bed to say goodnight. With today's technology there is literally no excuse why you can't keep in touch with someone. The lack of effort is the reason why most relationships don't work.

So I sent a text that expressed my feelings, I keep it clean--for the most part! But hey I had to get my point across. I lead a busy life too, but I still make time to call him every chance I get. In the middle of the day while my students are reading or taking a quiz, I send a quick text. On my way to tutor I make a quick phone call. I try to let him know that he does matter to me. But this behavior is starting to remind me why we "didn't make it" while I was in college. Granted it was college, but he would always say what he would do and then it would never come to fruition. I blew it off to age and immaturity...but is history repeating itself? Or am I just being a plain bitch about it? Am I being too needy?

I really wanna make it work with him and see what it could be. I have "shed" myself of my other relationships just so I can focus in on him. I have been so open and honest with him about the relationships in my life and all that jazz. He asked me to do something for him and I did it, just so we could have a better chance. But I still question, when will you call....(by the way, those are the words of a Bilal song!!)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Love Locked Down

In keeping with my songs that surround my life, I was given some rocking news this weekend that I have yet to address. Though I'm not at liberty to give specifics my generals will allow me to share to the gist of the situation. So I call Old Flame on Saturday morning as I waited outside the nail salon to get my toes re-done. Yeah, see--quick sidetrack--I took my babygirl (a former student who I mentor) for a little ladies night out. We went to the nail salon; she got her nails done, I got my toes. The person who did my pedicure was not my usual cause she was booked solid. So I went with this other person and it was so-so. I didn't like the way toes were polished and the design was janky. Look like I tried to do it myself. I would have made them redone them, but we were headed to the movies and I didn't want to be late, babygirl really wanted to see Obsessed (personally I thought it was waaaaaaay too overdone and dramatic!) But I was determined to get my money's worth. I pay for a good job and I expect one. Now make to the real story--So I'm waiting for the place to open up and I give him a call to shoot the breeze while waiting for the place to open but not so much....

He immediately begins to rattle off information and my head starts spinning! He's like I gotta be completely honest with you about some things. I know you may not approve of what I am going to say, but I feel you have the right to know this information.....

Then he hits me with a bomb with the immediate effects like Hiroshima! I wanted so much to flip out but I knew I couldn't. It's nothing that changes the way I feel about him but it could cause issues with us being together.

So until this "matter" that he has gotten himself into gets resolved, I gotta keep my love on lock down....I mean I do really love him, but I love myself more...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Circle of Songs

I spent the better part of the today administrating the ACT to our juniors and boy am I tired! They tested from 8 to 12 and then went home. I wish I was able to go home! But of course, I gotta teach the rest of the day, which is a hard ass task! ACT is so strict. I was not allowed to do anything but watch the students and read directions from the supervisor manual. There're only so many songs I can sing in my heart to occupy my time. The one that replayed throughout the hours was Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take me Away. I know, I know. How strange, right? But I love the Dixie Chicks, especially this song!

I got hooked on country by my freshman year roommate, Megan. She was a huge country fan and loved NASCAR--now, slow your roll. I can't watch a car run around in circles 500 times! But some country music is quite alright by me! So as Natalie--the lead singer was jamming away in my own personal concert and her bandmate Martie was killin' that fiddle or violin or whatever its called I got to life is just a circle of songs. I guess we all can make the same claim, but I never really thought about it. I mean I gotta major love for music, though I lack musical talent..not a singer, or a musican of any kind (little kids choir at church doesn't count!).

The chorus....cowboy take me away, fly this girl high as you can into the wild blue, set me free oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you....was on repeat in my head I thought about the plethora of issues going on in my life and the songs I could apply to them:

  • Old Fame possibilies...Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away"...he totally could be my cowboy and take me away!
  • Former FWB (now minus the b)... Club Nuevo "Lean on Me"...I have come to the conclusion that when he was at his low in came into my life and I helped to restore him and I am at peace with it. Our season was moderate fall weather, perfect for a nice watch watching the leaves change!
  • My fam (mom, brother, sister)....Sly and the Family Stone "Family Affair"...they will soon be moving in with me. I have a two story with a huge basement, plenty of room for all of us. In this financial mess, we need each other! My mom is experience some temporary layoffs and I am MORE than willing to do whatever I need for my mommy!
  • New truck! Yes I am itching for a new ride! I would love a Cadillac Escalade EXT. I know I would be the envy of many people....Jill Scott "Hate on Me"...I just might get it this summer! But most likely not! But it's okay to dream, right! (more like lust!!!!)
  • Today I miss my brother! Yeah I sooo do. I wish I could visit heaven for a moment just for one last hug....Sting "I'll be Missing You" I miss every step he has taken, he breath that went through his body. I really do! I never question why he had to die, I question the means of his one deserves murder.....(a little teary eyed now).

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mutual Respect

So this weekend of one of the best yet! It felt so awkward but at the same time it was amazing. My fwb is no longer my wb. It's strictly f--friend. He has found a chick that he is totally diggin and I am sooo happy for him! It all started Saturday during a trip to Walmart...

Me: So what if I find someone that I really like and wanna have a committed relationship with, would you be cool with that?
Him: yeah--have you found him?
Me: I dunno--maybe.
Him: that's love! I wanna see you happy. you deserve someone who will make you happy--i think i found her.
Him: yeah..
Me: (super giddy with excitement) Yay! that's good! Tell me about her?

With a huge grin he begins to tell me about her. And there it was the official disconnect that we both needed. I have so much more respect for him. He was so real about the situation and about her. Then I told him about old flame. And he listened and then grilled me some more about him.
We spent all of Saturday afternoon having real talk about each other and our new relationships. I even helped him pick out a gift for her! Our conversation even carried over to Sunday afternoon. He told me all about his date and asked my advice on some things.

I know most folks aren't going to believe me when I say we do have a mutual respect for each other's lives and the direction we have chosen. We both know we wouldn't work in a relationship. We are seriously on two different levels in our lives, but we gotta solid friendship and I like it this way. I know for sure that I am ready to move on with my relationships now. I am ready for love in a better way now. Love not just based on sex--my favorite band says it so well....

I'm Ready For The Thangs(That You've Been Talkin' Bout')
I'm Ready Won't Chu Shine(And Remove My Clouds)
I'm Ready For A Place(Safe To Park My Heart)
Cause Lonliness Now In The World Is Off The Charts
I'm Ready For The Way(You Wanna Rub My Back)
I'm Ready For What Happens(After In The Sack)
I'm Ready To Quit Playin'(Cause I've Had Enough)
I'm Ready For This Boy And Girl To Rise In love

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm All Ears

As I listen to my station on Jango....currently playing SWV's song Weak...remember that one? It was as my grandma says a jam! And it still is..anyway I can't help but to think about my old flame. I talked to him last night and something wasn't right. I could hear it in his voice....

Me: So what's don't sound right?
Him: I'm was work today?
Me: Work was work...but seriously are you okay?
Him: Yeah
Me: Okay...I respect your answer so I wont ask again but I want you to know that whatever it is Im here to listen. I mean Im concerned about you.
Him: Baby you dont have to be worried...Im good now. so work was work huh?

(FYI After 7 "Ready or Not" is playing right that was a cut!!!)

So the conversation went into another direction and I left it alone, but of course I wasn't satisfied with his reply. But Im learning to respect what others say at the same time I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. It took about 5 more minutes for him to finally tell me what the deal was. And after some long pauses in between him finally getting it all out, I was content but a little irritated. I mean what is the deal with men and sharing??? Is it really that difficult?

Personally I dont have a problem with telling those around how I feel. I am under the impression that I should be able to express myself in a rational and respectable manner to anyone. I dont really "bite my tongue" for anyone which could be blessing and a curse at the same time! It kinda runs in my family. We some sharp tongue people! But im working on it! I swear!!! But back to the real story. I just dont get why he wont have told me about the situation before hand? I would not have been so worried about him. I didnt care about the reasoning behind the situation. It wasnt detrimental to our relationship!

I think I was more upset because he didnt tell me than about the situation. But I couldnt let it show. It was the right timely for me to go on a rampage! I had to focus on my guy and let him tell me about how he was feeling.

So why is it so difficult for me to share? Maybe its past experiences, childhood, something. But whatever it is I dont want it to ruin what we could Im all ears....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

So I was thinking...

So since my last post I have been doing some serious thinking, not to much to make my head hurt but some it does have some depth. I'm pulling back from my fwb. Yeah, I gotta call it quits. He called the other day and I could hear in my own voice the lack of enthusiasm building. Previously I was always glad to hear from him, now its like, whatever dude! It's totally personal and all about me now. in retrospect, I yesterday was the first time in about a week that I text him. I even went a few days without a phone call. He called me a bit pissed that I hadn't called him. But doesn't my lack of calling say it all??? So I'm go ahead and put this one to bed, well not to bed literally....

On another note, I found out my favorite band of all times, Mint Condition is playing in St. Louis next month! I WILL be there! Even if I gotta go by myself! I CAN NOT miss a MC concert! It has been so long since I last seen them. Since I found out about the concert, I have been playing their latest CD, E-Life, nonstop. In fact I'm singing a song in my merry little head as I type..."the very thing that made me love you, is the thing pushing me away, now..." I have been addicted to Mint Condition since I was in the 6th grade! Yes the 6th grade!!!! Yep 1992..first album, Meant to be Mint, first song I heard, Breakin my Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)...what memories!!! I have owned every album...back then cassette!!!! Now the collection has turn to CDs! At any rate I could go on and go about Mint Condition! But I'll stop while i am ahead!

So I really need to get back on the workout grind. I repeat this thought in my head everytime I think about the sexy ass tattoo I would love to get on my upper back....and it carries me for a week at the most! But seriously I'll be the big 3-0 this year and what a great gift to give to myself than a tat! I gotta love for words and would love to get some on my upper back, but I'll be damn if i take my shirt off and let all the jelly jiggle in front of some tattoo artist as it looks now! NO SIR! I'm my biggest fan and my worst enemy......all at once!

Have I said it lately that I really hate my job? Not that I don't love what I do..teaching is my passion. I was so born to do the damn thang! I do it well, might I add--but this 9 to 5 Monday through Friday is soooooo for the birds! I need flexibility! I have this Master's degree and have yet to see it really work for me! I spent umpteen dollars at a private university to do nothing with it...what a frustration sometimes...patience is a virtue I have yet to I really don't "hate" my job I just want something different, I guess......

So summer's knocking at the door and I wanna go soo many places. I have to go to ATL for atleast 2 weeks. My cousins have a new house and it would be great just to chill and do nothing for a bit. Then of course shop and shop and shop and shop. Being me I gotta so do something educational as well....I'm such a nerd! Last year it was the aquarium (did you know Mint Condition has an album entitled Life's Aquarium???) this year maybe Coke Factory and some MLK stuff. I think my fam (Mom, brother, & sister) will be heading to FL this summer. Mom as a friend who wouldn't be using their condo at Sand Pebbles Resort so we might take them up on the offer. $700 for a full week! We found some cheap flights, ($150 round trip) so we will see what be comes of it all.....

I think that is all I've been thinking about...

Oh by the way...did I say I have tooooo many papers to grade???

Monday, April 13, 2009

What's A Lady To Do???

So I have recently connected with an old flame and things are going......welll....kinda of...good but at the same time I am a bit lost! Upfront I am not the type of chick that likes the whole dating multiple dudes. Quite frankly it gets too confusing and tends to create drama. My mom is convinced I am going to have a domestic dispute one day! She told my best friend, who is a police officer to be on call this week (the old flame is coming to town!). I laughed at it! After last night part of me is wondering if her experience and wisdom knows something I have yet to see.

I told her that my fwb is not wanting a relationship. To me we have no real connection. I can barely hold a conversation with him outside of the the bedroom! No sparks, chemistry, nothing! Real talk, he just does the deed, ya know! But last night he was being a little possessive. Like I had to be with him, keep calling and texting, etc. He was soooo persistent about talking to me. Even though he says that he doesn't care what I do, part of me sees that he does. So what do I do?

My old flame knows about my fwb and he's can I put it.....concerned! He thinks that I am emotionally invested in dude, but I know I am not. It's good but not everything I want. I can give it up to know that I could make it work with my old flame seriously. I will take the total package any day versus a small portion of the total man! But old flame wants me to be real about the situation, which I can respect.

So do I get rid of the fwb?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot,
welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
Ok, ok, so I'm a little too young to have seen the original episodes of Welcome back, Kotter but I did sporadically catch some of the re-runs over the years. As a kid, I had no clue why they were welcoming Kotter back. But after awhile I caught on...teacher returns to teach a group of "unteachable" students at his Alma mater. The irony is that he was one of the original members of this specific group, the Sweathogs. But it so fitting for my life at the moment, well the song that is.
I get a email from my high school BF and all it says is call me 612-xxx-xxxx. Immediately I'm a little star struck. My friends have always joked that no matter where I go or what happens he seems to "find" me. We dated on and off, you know high school love, from my junior year to freshman year in college. Then he moved away to Minnesota. After I graduated college, I was driving to my mom's house and who pulls up behind me, well him. I hadn't talked to him in about two and a half years. We briefly conversed, brought each other up to sped and said we would keep in touch. Well that was about six years ago, yes I said six.
Awwww..I'm getting those feelings again from high school. I remember when he wrote that first note, talking about how he saw me in the hall with my girls and didn't want to approach me cause of what my girls might say. Yeah my girls were wild back in the day! Two were very popular, I mean everybody in the school knew them and one was very vocal, and I mean vocal. She was quick to speak, and fight might I add! So I can understand his hesitation.
But we both are at a different point in our lives. He's a man now, gotta 6 yr. old son, a career. I'm a woman now, just finished grad school, gotta career, ready to go back to school again, and I think I am ready to settle down, ya know. I am getting restless with "playing." Ready to move on to a new level in my life and my relationships.
So he and I have responded through text messages few a minute. This morning at 6:45 sharp I got a text saying "good morning." I'm no expert nor to I wish to delve too deep and add meaning where none exist, but I believe he was thinking of me. And guess what, that made me smile!
So welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.....