Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When Will You Call?

I've had enough. I usually call, but being that he may have been sleep I sent a text. I broke the rules, I know. The topic alone deserves a phone call versus the text, but like I said I've had enough. For the last week I have been going rounds with Old Flame about calling me. Granted, he does have a busy life, barber school 9 to 5 five days a week, then he goes to the studio to help local artist produce tracks. Sometimes he doesn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. Then on the weekends he has his son. But that is still is not an excuse. What's five minutes to say, "Hey how's it goin?" or what's a text to say, "I was thinking of you?" I don't care how long it is that we talk, all I care about is that we talk! It can be in the car on the way to the studio or right before you go to bed to say goodnight. With today's technology there is literally no excuse why you can't keep in touch with someone. The lack of effort is the reason why most relationships don't work.

So I sent a text that expressed my feelings, I keep it clean--for the most part! But hey I had to get my point across. I lead a busy life too, but I still make time to call him every chance I get. In the middle of the day while my students are reading or taking a quiz, I send a quick text. On my way to tutor I make a quick phone call. I try to let him know that he does matter to me. But this behavior is starting to remind me why we "didn't make it" while I was in college. Granted it was college, but he would always say what he would do and then it would never come to fruition. I blew it off to age and immaturity...but is history repeating itself? Or am I just being a plain bitch about it? Am I being too needy?

I really wanna make it work with him and see what it could be. I have "shed" myself of my other relationships just so I can focus in on him. I have been so open and honest with him about the relationships in my life and all that jazz. He asked me to do something for him and I did it, just so we could have a better chance. But I still question, when will you call....(by the way, those are the words of a Bilal song!!)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Love Locked Down

In keeping with my songs that surround my life, I was given some rocking news this weekend that I have yet to address. Though I'm not at liberty to give specifics my generals will allow me to share to the gist of the situation. So I call Old Flame on Saturday morning as I waited outside the nail salon to get my toes re-done. Yeah, see--quick sidetrack--I took my babygirl (a former student who I mentor) for a little ladies night out. We went to the nail salon; she got her nails done, I got my toes. The person who did my pedicure was not my usual cause she was booked solid. So I went with this other person and it was so-so. I didn't like the way toes were polished and the design was janky. Look like I tried to do it myself. I would have made them redone them, but we were headed to the movies and I didn't want to be late, babygirl really wanted to see Obsessed (personally I thought it was waaaaaaay too overdone and dramatic!) But I was determined to get my money's worth. I pay for a good job and I expect one. Now make to the real story--So I'm waiting for the place to open up and I give him a call to shoot the breeze while waiting for the place to open but not so much....

He immediately begins to rattle off information and my head starts spinning! He's like I gotta be completely honest with you about some things. I know you may not approve of what I am going to say, but I feel you have the right to know this information.....

Then he hits me with a bomb with the immediate effects like Hiroshima! I wanted so much to flip out but I knew I couldn't. It's nothing that changes the way I feel about him but it could cause issues with us being together.

So until this "matter" that he has gotten himself into gets resolved, I gotta keep my love on lock down....I mean I do really love him, but I love myself more...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Circle of Songs

I spent the better part of the today administrating the ACT to our juniors and boy am I tired! They tested from 8 to 12 and then went home. I wish I was able to go home! But of course, I gotta teach the rest of the day, which is a hard ass task! ACT is so strict. I was not allowed to do anything but watch the students and read directions from the supervisor manual. There're only so many songs I can sing in my heart to occupy my time. The one that replayed throughout the hours was Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take me Away. I know, I know. How strange, right? But I love the Dixie Chicks, especially this song!

I got hooked on country by my freshman year roommate, Megan. She was a huge country fan and loved NASCAR--now, slow your roll. I can't watch a car run around in circles 500 times! But some country music is quite alright by me! So as Natalie--the lead singer was jamming away in my own personal concert and her bandmate Martie was killin' that fiddle or violin or whatever its called I got to life is just a circle of songs. I guess we all can make the same claim, but I never really thought about it. I mean I gotta major love for music, though I lack musical talent..not a singer, or a musican of any kind (little kids choir at church doesn't count!).

The chorus....cowboy take me away, fly this girl high as you can into the wild blue, set me free oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you....was on repeat in my head I thought about the plethora of issues going on in my life and the songs I could apply to them:

  • Old Fame possibilies...Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away"...he totally could be my cowboy and take me away!
  • Former FWB (now minus the b)... Club Nuevo "Lean on Me"...I have come to the conclusion that when he was at his low in came into my life and I helped to restore him and I am at peace with it. Our season was moderate fall weather, perfect for a nice watch watching the leaves change!
  • My fam (mom, brother, sister)....Sly and the Family Stone "Family Affair"...they will soon be moving in with me. I have a two story with a huge basement, plenty of room for all of us. In this financial mess, we need each other! My mom is experience some temporary layoffs and I am MORE than willing to do whatever I need for my mommy!
  • New truck! Yes I am itching for a new ride! I would love a Cadillac Escalade EXT. I know I would be the envy of many people....Jill Scott "Hate on Me"...I just might get it this summer! But most likely not! But it's okay to dream, right! (more like lust!!!!)
  • Today I miss my brother! Yeah I sooo do. I wish I could visit heaven for a moment just for one last hug....Sting "I'll be Missing You" I miss every step he has taken, he breath that went through his body. I really do! I never question why he had to die, I question the means of his one deserves murder.....(a little teary eyed now).

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mutual Respect

So this weekend of one of the best yet! It felt so awkward but at the same time it was amazing. My fwb is no longer my wb. It's strictly f--friend. He has found a chick that he is totally diggin and I am sooo happy for him! It all started Saturday during a trip to Walmart...

Me: So what if I find someone that I really like and wanna have a committed relationship with, would you be cool with that?
Him: yeah--have you found him?
Me: I dunno--maybe.
Him: that's love! I wanna see you happy. you deserve someone who will make you happy--i think i found her.
Him: yeah..
Me: (super giddy with excitement) Yay! that's good! Tell me about her?

With a huge grin he begins to tell me about her. And there it was the official disconnect that we both needed. I have so much more respect for him. He was so real about the situation and about her. Then I told him about old flame. And he listened and then grilled me some more about him.
We spent all of Saturday afternoon having real talk about each other and our new relationships. I even helped him pick out a gift for her! Our conversation even carried over to Sunday afternoon. He told me all about his date and asked my advice on some things.

I know most folks aren't going to believe me when I say we do have a mutual respect for each other's lives and the direction we have chosen. We both know we wouldn't work in a relationship. We are seriously on two different levels in our lives, but we gotta solid friendship and I like it this way. I know for sure that I am ready to move on with my relationships now. I am ready for love in a better way now. Love not just based on sex--my favorite band says it so well....

I'm Ready For The Thangs(That You've Been Talkin' Bout')
I'm Ready Won't Chu Shine(And Remove My Clouds)
I'm Ready For A Place(Safe To Park My Heart)
Cause Lonliness Now In The World Is Off The Charts
I'm Ready For The Way(You Wanna Rub My Back)
I'm Ready For What Happens(After In The Sack)
I'm Ready To Quit Playin'(Cause I've Had Enough)
I'm Ready For This Boy And Girl To Rise In love

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm All Ears

As I listen to my station on Jango....currently playing SWV's song Weak...remember that one? It was as my grandma says a jam! And it still is..anyway I can't help but to think about my old flame. I talked to him last night and something wasn't right. I could hear it in his voice....

Me: So what's don't sound right?
Him: I'm was work today?
Me: Work was work...but seriously are you okay?
Him: Yeah
Me: Okay...I respect your answer so I wont ask again but I want you to know that whatever it is Im here to listen. I mean Im concerned about you.
Him: Baby you dont have to be worried...Im good now. so work was work huh?

(FYI After 7 "Ready or Not" is playing right that was a cut!!!)

So the conversation went into another direction and I left it alone, but of course I wasn't satisfied with his reply. But Im learning to respect what others say at the same time I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. It took about 5 more minutes for him to finally tell me what the deal was. And after some long pauses in between him finally getting it all out, I was content but a little irritated. I mean what is the deal with men and sharing??? Is it really that difficult?

Personally I dont have a problem with telling those around how I feel. I am under the impression that I should be able to express myself in a rational and respectable manner to anyone. I dont really "bite my tongue" for anyone which could be blessing and a curse at the same time! It kinda runs in my family. We some sharp tongue people! But im working on it! I swear!!! But back to the real story. I just dont get why he wont have told me about the situation before hand? I would not have been so worried about him. I didnt care about the reasoning behind the situation. It wasnt detrimental to our relationship!

I think I was more upset because he didnt tell me than about the situation. But I couldnt let it show. It was the right timely for me to go on a rampage! I had to focus on my guy and let him tell me about how he was feeling.

So why is it so difficult for me to share? Maybe its past experiences, childhood, something. But whatever it is I dont want it to ruin what we could Im all ears....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

So I was thinking...

So since my last post I have been doing some serious thinking, not to much to make my head hurt but some it does have some depth. I'm pulling back from my fwb. Yeah, I gotta call it quits. He called the other day and I could hear in my own voice the lack of enthusiasm building. Previously I was always glad to hear from him, now its like, whatever dude! It's totally personal and all about me now. in retrospect, I yesterday was the first time in about a week that I text him. I even went a few days without a phone call. He called me a bit pissed that I hadn't called him. But doesn't my lack of calling say it all??? So I'm go ahead and put this one to bed, well not to bed literally....

On another note, I found out my favorite band of all times, Mint Condition is playing in St. Louis next month! I WILL be there! Even if I gotta go by myself! I CAN NOT miss a MC concert! It has been so long since I last seen them. Since I found out about the concert, I have been playing their latest CD, E-Life, nonstop. In fact I'm singing a song in my merry little head as I type..."the very thing that made me love you, is the thing pushing me away, now..." I have been addicted to Mint Condition since I was in the 6th grade! Yes the 6th grade!!!! Yep 1992..first album, Meant to be Mint, first song I heard, Breakin my Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)...what memories!!! I have owned every album...back then cassette!!!! Now the collection has turn to CDs! At any rate I could go on and go about Mint Condition! But I'll stop while i am ahead!

So I really need to get back on the workout grind. I repeat this thought in my head everytime I think about the sexy ass tattoo I would love to get on my upper back....and it carries me for a week at the most! But seriously I'll be the big 3-0 this year and what a great gift to give to myself than a tat! I gotta love for words and would love to get some on my upper back, but I'll be damn if i take my shirt off and let all the jelly jiggle in front of some tattoo artist as it looks now! NO SIR! I'm my biggest fan and my worst enemy......all at once!

Have I said it lately that I really hate my job? Not that I don't love what I do..teaching is my passion. I was so born to do the damn thang! I do it well, might I add--but this 9 to 5 Monday through Friday is soooooo for the birds! I need flexibility! I have this Master's degree and have yet to see it really work for me! I spent umpteen dollars at a private university to do nothing with it...what a frustration sometimes...patience is a virtue I have yet to I really don't "hate" my job I just want something different, I guess......

So summer's knocking at the door and I wanna go soo many places. I have to go to ATL for atleast 2 weeks. My cousins have a new house and it would be great just to chill and do nothing for a bit. Then of course shop and shop and shop and shop. Being me I gotta so do something educational as well....I'm such a nerd! Last year it was the aquarium (did you know Mint Condition has an album entitled Life's Aquarium???) this year maybe Coke Factory and some MLK stuff. I think my fam (Mom, brother, & sister) will be heading to FL this summer. Mom as a friend who wouldn't be using their condo at Sand Pebbles Resort so we might take them up on the offer. $700 for a full week! We found some cheap flights, ($150 round trip) so we will see what be comes of it all.....

I think that is all I've been thinking about...

Oh by the way...did I say I have tooooo many papers to grade???

Monday, April 13, 2009

What's A Lady To Do???

So I have recently connected with an old flame and things are going......welll....kinda of...good but at the same time I am a bit lost! Upfront I am not the type of chick that likes the whole dating multiple dudes. Quite frankly it gets too confusing and tends to create drama. My mom is convinced I am going to have a domestic dispute one day! She told my best friend, who is a police officer to be on call this week (the old flame is coming to town!). I laughed at it! After last night part of me is wondering if her experience and wisdom knows something I have yet to see.

I told her that my fwb is not wanting a relationship. To me we have no real connection. I can barely hold a conversation with him outside of the the bedroom! No sparks, chemistry, nothing! Real talk, he just does the deed, ya know! But last night he was being a little possessive. Like I had to be with him, keep calling and texting, etc. He was soooo persistent about talking to me. Even though he says that he doesn't care what I do, part of me sees that he does. So what do I do?

My old flame knows about my fwb and he's can I put it.....concerned! He thinks that I am emotionally invested in dude, but I know I am not. It's good but not everything I want. I can give it up to know that I could make it work with my old flame seriously. I will take the total package any day versus a small portion of the total man! But old flame wants me to be real about the situation, which I can respect.

So do I get rid of the fwb?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.
Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot,
welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
Ok, ok, so I'm a little too young to have seen the original episodes of Welcome back, Kotter but I did sporadically catch some of the re-runs over the years. As a kid, I had no clue why they were welcoming Kotter back. But after awhile I caught on...teacher returns to teach a group of "unteachable" students at his Alma mater. The irony is that he was one of the original members of this specific group, the Sweathogs. But it so fitting for my life at the moment, well the song that is.
I get a email from my high school BF and all it says is call me 612-xxx-xxxx. Immediately I'm a little star struck. My friends have always joked that no matter where I go or what happens he seems to "find" me. We dated on and off, you know high school love, from my junior year to freshman year in college. Then he moved away to Minnesota. After I graduated college, I was driving to my mom's house and who pulls up behind me, well him. I hadn't talked to him in about two and a half years. We briefly conversed, brought each other up to sped and said we would keep in touch. Well that was about six years ago, yes I said six.
Awwww..I'm getting those feelings again from high school. I remember when he wrote that first note, talking about how he saw me in the hall with my girls and didn't want to approach me cause of what my girls might say. Yeah my girls were wild back in the day! Two were very popular, I mean everybody in the school knew them and one was very vocal, and I mean vocal. She was quick to speak, and fight might I add! So I can understand his hesitation.
But we both are at a different point in our lives. He's a man now, gotta 6 yr. old son, a career. I'm a woman now, just finished grad school, gotta career, ready to go back to school again, and I think I am ready to settle down, ya know. I am getting restless with "playing." Ready to move on to a new level in my life and my relationships.
So he and I have responded through text messages few a minute. This morning at 6:45 sharp I got a text saying "good morning." I'm no expert nor to I wish to delve too deep and add meaning where none exist, but I believe he was thinking of me. And guess what, that made me smile!
So welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.....