Sunday, November 11, 2012
It has been too long since I have moved these fingers across this keyboard for the pure purpose of my own desire. I had forgotten myself. Somewhere between transitioning to Newark and teaching sixth grade I fell. Yep I fell. Into one of those Alice in Wonderland type holes--you know the ones when you wake weeks later and somehow catch a quick glimpse of yourself in slight moment when an exact ray shines your unrecognizable reflection before you. Yep one of those types of holes.
The best part of falling which honestly most overlook, is the getting back up. The process of moving in the upward motion causes one to notice every single motion involved in the act. Whether it slowing placing palms down and pushing up or arching one's back to straighten for necessary support or firmly rising to one's knees; the fact is you feel it all. And again seldom do we appreciate it. Not me. Not this time. This time, I felt every fiber of my being rise and get up. It was the best moment of falling that I have ever had.
Being wrapped up in this move was one cause of the fall. To say this move has been easy would be a lie. It's challenges were more difficult because I had become exactly what I was not meant to be--comfortable. We, none of us, were not meant to become complacent in action. I had a great job for 10 years--no need to move, or so I thought because all that I needed had been provided for there. Yet there is a such place ever the land refuses to give back because it has been overworked. Sure it will give you what it has been giving you, but that doesn't mean it has reached it's best yield.
I did what I did well, but there was more and here I am dealing with the fact that my good wasn't good enough because there was always more for me. That's hard! To accept you are the reason for the difficulty. You are you own stumbling block. It was you all along. Falling helped to see. See there is really no such thing as lose--losing means gaining more. Knowing these things helped me to get up from the fall. Quite odd, isn't it? The move made me fall and helped me to get up.
So here I am teaching sixth grade in Newark (I survived my first Hurricane! Maybe I will write about it) and having a revelation about life. My life. My dream. My desire. My love. My passion. My spirit. Myself. And honestly I can say that I am learning to love the struggle. It is in the struggle that I am being made in the human being God desires me to be. I had forgotten that I have the ability to create my outcomes. Because I know what the end can be, I must make the moment right now for the end to come into existence.