Saturday, September 26, 2009

I was thinking...

So Imma avid reader of, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.

Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...

So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.

If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??

So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Come get this pleasure

I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!

I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.

The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.

In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Fight

It was a knock down, drag out. Seriously we were an inch from breaking up I could go on forever about the cause, but I won't bore over the details any longer. I don't even wanna give life to them. It was resolved, we both apologized--not just one of those blank Im sorry, but I'm sorry for _______. Which made me feel so much better. One thing I learned: when you say your done with it--no matter what it may be, be done. I told him I took his word on the issue, and it's a dead issue now. He really appreciated me for saying it. And I thought it was amazing that I was able to say it.

My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.

Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...

Monday, September 14, 2009


This morning I feel as if I haven't sleep in days, when in actuality I have. In fact been going to bed at no later than 11 PM each night, but I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Even my emotions are going through a roller coaster. Despite it all I'm determined to push myself beyond the way I feel. That's what life is about, right--pushing it to the limits. I don't know my limits in some areas yet, but in others I am fully aware of where I am willing NOT to go.

I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:

I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It Was a Good Trip

So this past weekend I flew to MN to see my baby. We got off to a very rough start. I mean rough!! We argued while I was at Midway before the plane departed and we had a nice silent ride when I arrived. But it comes with the territory! I really enjoyed just being his is company. One night we just chilled; he watched ESPN and I messed around on Facebook. I realized I had missed him so much and this distance thing was a lot for me. I know I can survive it but it is going to be a work in progress. I know that both of us could be so much better if we were closer in distance. Honestly it does make a difference when you are 10 minutes away versus 900 miles. Yeah just about 900 miles..a 2 1/2 hour drive to Chicago then an hour flight and I'm there in half the time, but when that is not an easy sojourn!

This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.

We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it moment at a time!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Haven't Done This in Awhile.....A Piece of a Short Story

She didn't lift her head. Just went on nibbling the cheese off the wax paper. It wasn't that fresh gooey cheeseburger cheese either. This cheese had time to get harden to a cold clump. The burger had been in my bag for about two hours. I bought fresh from the drive through but got so caught up grading papers I'd forgot I had it stashed on top of all the other forgotten items in my purse. There was no way I was going to carry a cheeseburger into the office. My internal eyes knew someone would see this plus sized frame and give the side eye. A small slip of the mental conversation he or she wanted to have with me. Yeah all of this was going through my head as I watched her diligently eat it all. I had to stop myself from starring but of course it was too late.

She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.

"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.

"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.

Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.

I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.

The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?

"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.

"Okay. What kind of help do you need."

"Every kind."


So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!