Where Have I Gone???

So I have totally been neglecting my writing in the last few weeks. It has been forever and a day since I last blogged and honestly I don't know why. My guy Mr. Lovely even texted me this weekend and asked about why haven't I been blogging. I told him I ran out of things to say. The added email from Shawn really urged me to write today. Seriously I don't know why. This syndrome is not only present in my writing, it's in my job and my other activities. I have no clue what it is or how it came about. My normal routine is to work my ass-off to grade papers, plan my lessons (a month in advance might I add), edit my school's newsletter way before my deadline, and then do all the other stuff I do on the regular i.e. tutor, kick with my fam and my friends, etc. Now its like I have no motivation to do any of it. I so what a new surrounding; new job, new house, new car, semi-new friends (maybe just associates!!) and a new city.

It's not that I am not content with my life. I am eternally grateful but I feel like I have been in this place--which I can't define--way too long. I told my cousin yesterday I think I'm ready for the next big thing in my life, love. Like real love. But unlike Mary I am not searching for it.

Maybe I lost, ehhh I don't know. But whatever it is I gotta get over it like the Flu. Gotta find the combination of remedies to rid myself of "this place." Whatever it maybe called, I don't wanna be here anymore....

In the Moment

So I'm still on this ponder of the benefit of my fwb. I've determine that the reason we are fwb is because both of us really ambiguous about our relationship. Sure part of me likes him for relationship potential but like I mentioned last time, the other half of me doesn't want to work for it. Anytime you have sex with someone feelings get involved. Come on now, we grown. Feelings are in a vital part of everything we do, no matter if we want to admit it or not. But here's my thing: can I just be in the moment?

So I'm in the car with him and he is on the phone with one of his friends. Personally I can care less who he talks to, but can I be the moment? Seriously, if you are with me for the moment, lay your other chicks on the side for the moment. It's rude to be conversing with her when you in the car with me or just in my mere presences. While I'm in your moment, I don't cloud with the other dudes in my circle. I render what's yours to you, at that moment.

I know it may sound kinda like jealousy but really it's not. Like I said, I don't expect to be the only one in his world, but I don't expect to share my moment. I don't share his moments with anyone. If my phone rings and it is another dude, I send it to voicemail. If I get a text, I might reply and say, hey I'll get at you later but that's it.

I guess to me this is a rule of fwbs we need to make clear. I only get a few moments anyway so let me enjoy it!!!!

M.I.A.

It's been a while since my post. I don't know why, but it seems I have run out things to say! Is that even possible? Again I dunno! But I have been working hard...grading papers and assigning more papers to well, grade! What an exhausting circle sometimes. I get so "busy" with school (that's what I call my job, school, because I learn just as well as the students do) I forget to do the things that I find personal satisfaction in. School even took up my weekend. The Vice/Versa Dance was on Saturday and I had to chaperon. Yep 3 1/2 hours of straight standing was sooo enjoyable! I couldn't help myself to bust a move. The kids love when I dance with them. Little do they know this chick has a hard time staying on beat. Really I do. LOL It's humorous, really it is! I love to move but dancing has never been my thing. But again I dance for the kids--Tiffany love the kids! My moves got me in the school's yearbook last year. The kicker--my girl supervises the yearbook and she let the kids this huge ass picture of me as the dominate photo on the page! Her rational--"The kids wanted to put it on the page! They just couldn't stop talking about you!"
Part of me doesn't believe her. Secretly I know she got some satisfaction with my mug plastered on the page for 1100 kids to see!

But it didn't hold me back this year--I got down--school appropriately.

My FWB wanted to take me to Chicago for the weekend, but I couldn't go because of the chaperon thing. I liked the jester but then again I don't know if that crosses the FWB line. So are the benefits worth it? I mean are FWBs overrated? Or is just me? I mean he's cool and all but he is definitely not someone I want to spend to the rest of my life with. I don't wanna work that hard. I mean we have sooo many differences, religion mainly, that neither of us are willing to compromise on. We respect each other but don't agree. Sometimes I don't even bring up things because I know we disagree and I don't wanna make it a "I gotta prove my point" issue. I choose my battles carefully. He bought me a Valentine's Day gift. I think he got more excitement out of giving me the gift than I did receiving it. It was cute and thoughtful I have to admit, but honestly it wasn't "me." Normally I would have that conversation, "Thanks, but..." but this time I just might let it ride out. He's crazy about sneakers so I bought him a pair of Nike's. Nothing expensive (I'm a DIVA always on a budget!) but there were hot--silver metallic and white--nice! See just that, I bought him something I know he would LOVE without a doubt..maybe it's a girl thing--pay attention to the small details. He says after the 4 months we have been, what's the right word, ummm "knowing" each other he knows me. But I don't really think he does. Again maybe knowing me doesn't too much matter because he is a FWB.....

Get ready for love...

One of my students made my morning much better. We're talking about arguments in my Comp. 111 class, more specifically appeals to needs and values. I assigned the students to bring in an advertisement and determine what need did it appeal to. check this one out:

Not sure if you can read all the print, but pay close attention to the center "Let us tell your X how you really feel!" LMAO As if that was not enough check the lower left hand corner: One dozen DEAD roses & jumbo card with each delivery!

Have a great day!

Game of Survival

Today I worked through an exercise with my senior students that teaches on the Toulmin's concept of the warrant (Toulmin says three parts of an argument; claim, support, and warrant). The warrant is the assumption or general principle that leads us to make a claim. So this exercise asked you to take a list of 11 people and narrow it down to only 7 who would survival as the last people on earth, place the list in order of rescue and your reasoning for choosing this person. The text gave a brief description of each person--like Mrs. G: 28, ninth grade education, cocktail waitress, former prostitute, single, was married at 18, has son (Joesph).


It was amazing to see who the students choose and why these people versus others on the list. No doubt we have all completed an exercise like this before, but it got me thinking. I had a difficult time creating my list. I weighed the options and then questioned by own assumptions. But what if I can take this same principle and apply it to my life. What do I really need to survive? Is all the unnecessary really necessary? Why do we choose things for temporal satisfaction when we really know we want more? Am I really making the right choices for survival?

I can remember my senior year in high school I told this girl's business to the ENTIRE English class, yes the whole class. Though it was truth doesn't mean I had the right to say it. Because of that I lost a friend. John and I were so cool, but when I did what I did it hurt him. I didn't get a chance to apologize to John but I did to DeeDee. And that made her day! She thought I absolutely hated her. And I felt so guilty. Since that incident I made it a life lesson to check my motivations and never intently do anything I would later regret.

The principle carried me through college and afterward but now it's like I got buckwild and forgot it! And I tell myself that I am surviving. My material success aligns to the survival--house, cars, career, education, and some money left over to spurge on shoes! But have I missed it somewhere? What is "it"? Am I playing the right game? Is it really about survival? Maybe my principle's need to change.

It's obvious my assumption about life as created a faulty claim lacking real support.

Chasing Payments....

My friend Art hooked me to this amazing 19 year old phenom Adele and her song "Chasing Payments." The girl is tough! I have always been a major music fan, I mean MAJOR. I love all types from country to heavy metal to rap to Latin to vocal jazz to gospel...I love it all. But of course it has to have a message. I can't get with what I have dubbed, "basement" music. You know the kind that sounds like you and your friends pressed record/play on the tape recorder messing around in your parents basement. (LOL at myself and the crazy things I did back in the day!) At any rate I don't have to name specifics, you know who I'm talkin' bout!

So music speaks volumes to me. A language I can't live without.

Here are her lyrics:

I've made up my mind, Don't need to think it over, If I'm wrong I am right, Don't need to look no further, This ain't lust, I know this is love but, If I tell the world, I'll never say enough, Cause it was not said to you, And that's exactly what I need to do, If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere, Or would it be a waste?Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up, And fly around in circles, Waiting as my heart drops, And my back begins to tingle Finally could this be it

Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere, Or would it be a waste?Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere...

So I'm wondering why do we chase pavements? Empty lonely roads that lead to more desolation than peace. Are we gluttons for misery? Or hopeless fools hoping hope will desperately appear? Or is it that we chase these pavements like yellow brick roads in search of home? A heart? A brain? Courage?

What gives? Maybe it's the chase itself we hold on to. The fact someone is chasing us or are we chasing them??

So I Been thinking.....

I know its scary! Even gives me shivers. But I have been thinking:

• Why do ALL of Keysha Cole's songs sound the same? I mean done to the all the music being played in the same key! Every song is a remake of the previous release.....something something....I remember when I loved you......something something.....I should've cheated...something something....sent from heaven....something something....love never knew what I was missing but I knew when we started kissing.....something something....if he ain't gonna love you the way he should then let him go....
• Why in the world does my jaw hurt? Seriously from back by my ear to chin it aches. I really need to get this checked out!
• When did 20% off become a sale??? Circuit City is going out of business and people are flocking to buy items with 20% off! WTF??? We in a recession you gotta come better than that!
• I saw something amazing today: A black women bought a welding school! Yes two of them! My jaw dropped (maybe that's why it hurts!) She used to be a motivational speaker for the company and when she heard they were looking to sell she went for it! Ain't that something? I was so blessed by her story! Do yo thang Ms. Debra!
• When is ready ready? Seriously..when do you know you are ready? Does it depend on the situation? Does it depend on time? How do you decide? For instance, I say I'm not ready for a serious relationship (at least that's what I told "20") but do I really mean that? How do I know when I'm ready? I say I'm not ready to move out of the state, but I wanna go so bad. I am just being anxious for a dream or am I truly not ready?
• I gave a test to my sophomores today (over some short stories we read in class and the appropriate terminology that goes along with the stories). Gave specific directions..."please take your notebook out and place it on your desk. Turn to the next blank page. Complete your test in your notebook. Do not tear it out when you finish. Keep it in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when you complete your test. Again do not write on my test. Write your answers in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when your finish." Notice how I repeated myself using different words but the same meaning. Just in case the first time was a bit difficult to understand. How many didn't follow directions you ask? 2 of the 12. Damn damn damn!!!!
• Why is it so hard for me to keep my desk clean? I mean seriously! Monday I started off well. No "stacks of undetermined papers" on the side. All filed to my right in the correct folder and place. I actually had a clear space where I could grade papers. I dunno. I really dunno. Where did I go wrong??
• I am proud of myself. I am able to help my step-mom and dad avoid foreclosure. They both recently lost jobs and now are in a tight spot (like many of us) and I had what they needed! That makes me feel so proud. To be able to give when it is most needed makes my heard glad! I am actually making a difference....*smile
• So why didn't I get the memo that the color dark night is navy blue??? I thought it was black---not! When its really dark at night all you see is black! Not blue! I ordered a long sleeve from a store on-line to wear under my work polo and the damn thing is navy blue. I guess it doesn't look too bad under the royal blue polo??? At least I think it doesn't. But if it did look crazy I'm sure I girls (my friends I work with) would have put me on blast today at round table (lunch)!
• Should I get my hair shorter? Last year I cut 8 inches off my locs. They were in the almost to my butt and I could not take the weight of it! Getting all that washed was a mess! So I cut it to my shoulders in an asymmetrical bob. I recently got it cut a bit shorter now I think I want it right to the bottom of my ears. So still a bob but shorter....ummmm something to think about...(shiver)
• Today was the most amazing day! In the copy room making copies (lol) and on of the fellow teachers (not my co-worker--cause some of them round here don't "count" me so I don't "count" them) here spoke to me for the FIRST time! On real business! I pass each other every morning and I would say hello. And no response. Maybe he didn't hear me. Next day try it again a little louder. No response. Not even a nonverbal smile, head nod, wave, eye blink, nothing! Try again a bit louder--you guessed it! No response! Now to hell with you! But today ummmm 6 months later he spoke to me. I was stunned! Actually have a bit of conversation about reading! Yes! How kids love to learn how to read and then we get them in high school they HATE school! What happened? Where was the disconnect? That was our brief 45 sec conversation! Wow!
• I have been teaching seven years....yes seven! I got the itch...got my master's...it didn't satisfy the itch...gotta get my ph.d...UNC at Greensboro here I come!!!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

It's Official!!

Pregnant?
Ummmm No.

Engaged?
Nope

New job?
I wish!

Lost weight?
Did I mention Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice cream?

Addicted to blogging?
Yep and proud of it!!!

Seriously I have not had to this much "word" mental stimulation in a looooong time. I love partaking in every one's lives. Reading about personal life to politics truly excites me. The power your words hold resident with me throughout the day. The inspire me, challenge me, make me laugh, and encourage me. Blogging and following the blogs of others was one of the best decisions I have made. Besides it get me to write more!

Keep doing what you do, cause you do it well!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

Dust Myself Off & Start All Over Again!

So here it is, the last week on January 2009, can you believe it! Well I can't. I was thinking about it this morning and recalled what I was doing last year at this time...well I was working out 4 days a week and NOT eating the Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream which I have become addicted too recently!!! (Damn I get excited about its flavor just thinking about it!!!)

I started off 08 with a goal and worked that goal for 4 months straight! I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I had ever decided to get committed about being healthier. I had lost 30 pounds and was well on my way. But then I got sick, had surgery and lost all momentum! Seriously momentum was out the door. In part because of the surgery but still what happened??? Did I use my surgery as an excuse?

At this point I am still trying to figure out what stopped me dead in my tracks. Though I haven't gained the weight back, I haven't lost any either. So I am trying it all over again. I am picking up my food journal ( a MUST have when trying to lose weight. Writing down the food you eat does wonders on the mind!), hittin' the elliptical, downloading some more good music, and I am off!

I really want this. I will be thirty at the end of the year and when I turn 30 in December I wanna say DAMN look at me! I did what I said I was going to do!

Though I won't make it the focus on my writings, I will def keep you updating on my progress.

Mark the calendar for Feb. 2 2009---I'll be a rebel WITH a cause!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution.....

Update on the 20...I Think I Broke His Heart

So I am getting asked about the guy I meet back in December who was supposed to have left earlier these month for California. Well as the use of the past tense verb in the previous sentence suggest, he didn't leave. Which is a good thing on his part but moving on to "us." Well here it goes...a few weeks ago I shared with him my feelings about the progression of "us." I told him I wanted to slow down and get back to some important things in my life I started slowed started to neglect when he came in my life. It was not an act of selfishness but one of love....for myself. I started to notice how infrequent I did things that I purposely placed in my life for balance, self-awareness, and joy. My attitude changed. I was getting frustrated by things when normally I would not even give that thing the time of day! Most importantly my lack of actions was getting noticed by the people I love, family and friends.

Now dude is a good dude, but like us all he got baggage and issues that I can't help him with. Things he gotta deal with on his own. The same with me. Nobody can make the actions you need to help you; you gotta do the footwork!

So that is where it is. We talk every now and then. We really don't "kick-it" strong like we did in the beginning. All of the choices I made I'm cool with.

Though he say he is too, his actions show otherwise....he is real short with me now. Like if he calls me...yes if he calls me and I ask a simple question like "have you spoken to so-in-so?" He instantly snaps out! His body language has changed and everything. Believe me, you know when something is up!

So I think I really hurt him, though his man pride is refusing to be real about it. I think he really likes me and was hoping "us" would evolve into something more. But at this point, I don't want more.

So I'm thinking I might have to totally cut loose.

It only takes one to start a revolution.............

Responsibility of Woman

One of my idols, yes I have idols, Mary J. Blige has a song entitled, Feel Like a Woman.

I want you to rescue me.Take me from this misery.Put your arms around me bay.Hold me close, please hear me say.(Ohh)You really gotta hold on me.(You do)Right here is where I wanna be.(With you)Boy, there's something I want you to do.Cause tonight I wanna...

Chorus:]Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna compete)

(I just wanna be the only girl that you need)

Feel like a woman. (Boy, I want you to be everything to me)

(Don't wanna be deceived)

Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna fuss and I don't wanna cuss)

(I just wanna feel the love from both of us)

Feel like a woman. (Now I only wanna do what you tell me to)

(Won't you show and prove)

Feel like a woman.

That is only a snippet of the of the lyrics but you get the point. But my question is does a woman really want to man to make her feel like a woman??? Seriously?? Think about it for a long minute. In a modern world where the modern woman is "independent" and proudly proclaiming "I don't need a man" does the modern woman really want a man to make her feel like a woman?

I had this conversation with my cousin, Mookie, last night and he is baffled at the fact that most Black women say they want a good man but they reject the good ones to keep the bad ones! This conversation got me to thinking, what is the responsibility of the woman? Does a black woman really want a man?

I have come to the conclusion that Black women have been shorting themselves....hear me out now. We say we want a good black man but we are not prepared to be that woman that the black man needs. Society has already placed so much pressure on the black man and he needs a woman who will support him not question his manhood. I know many of you are not willing to go here with me, but at least hear me out. The black family has been totally destroyed. Children are growing up without a vital start...having both parents in the home. It is important to have both parents because it creates a structure that gives birth to more structure. But with only one parent it is hard for the child to understand how a family is supposed to be. Girls grow into women who think that they have to be everything and do everything and find it hard to let a man really be a man and be the end of the household. Boys grow into men who have no clue how to be the head and be a man cause they had to example of manhood.

So what do we do? Once we know there is a problem then we must to work to change the family structure. As black women we must begin to look inward and ask ourselves do we know how to be a woman? Not just independently take care of yourself but allow someone to take care of you. This may mean to keep the peace by not questioning your man. Allow him to make the decision and support him even if doesn't work out as well as planned. Take the side seat by being the supporter and helping him shine in all he does. That's being a virtuous woman---making sure your man is the talk of the town cause he has everything all together. There is no simple over night remedy to the issue. It's a deep one that may be causing us our life. So we really gotta stop pointing the finger at our white sisters for "stealing" own men and take a look at what is going on within!

I didn't write this be be popular or cause a uproar...I'm just speaking my mind. Giving my take on the issue. If you disagree, I'm cool with that.

It only takes one to start a revolution....

I Miss Loving Something...

Those were the words my girl recently said to me. We were chatting on yahoo and the conversation turning to our passions. I told her that writing is my passion that I have "lost" since my brother died in '06. I haven't been giving it the attention it deserves. Then she said she loved singing and she said..."I miss loving something." Those words cut straight to my heart.

When was the last time we said and meant, "I love _____!" Not just used the word love to describe our overwhelming feeling of pleasure, but really had to deep connection to those words we released into the atmosphere. When was the last time we did something we loved and didn't even have to tell anyone we loved it, cause it showed in evey fiber of our being! That intense fire was almost tangible to those who were in your presence. You inspired them and you had no clue.

Yeah, loving something is that good!

So find that passion that stirs your heart and love it.

It only takes one to start a revolution.....

Ballin' on a Budget

Unfortunate for us the economic climate in the US is pretty dismal. Folks are losing their jobs and homes throughout the nation. But I refuse to feel ANY anxiety during this downturn. Why? Worry and stress will absolutely add no relief to the situation. Instead I will focus on what I know of a certainty--God's peace. Never underestimate the power of peace. Beginning at peace with a situation goes far beyond a sense of calm and comfort. It is a sense of knowing. Having faith and knowledge that no matter what may rise against you, God has got it all in control. Now don't assume obtaining peace will be a simple task...think twice...most good things are never simple. It takes you to step out of the natural and trying rely on what can't be seen--your faith. I have faith that I will make it...and guess what? I have!

So I don't focus on the negative report, but I do try to make wise choices, thus ballin on a budget! Instead of our usual dine out of Friday night, we cook at home--nice meal depending on the taste of the day--and then grab a watch a movie at home or go midnight bowling! I am horrible at bowling, but that is the fun of it! Or how about getting together with your girls and each one of your bring your favorite homemade dish to share. Instead of spending five dollars plus on lunch--pack one! Life is made up of choices--let's make better ones!

Besides, life's not about the money you spend but the moment you share......

It only takes one to start a revolution, so start today!

You should let me love you....

I love the song by Mario, You Should Let Me Love You. Though the center of the song expresses his desire to untimely love that woman who needs to be rescued from her ill love choice, when I listen to at this moment--it's playing right now on my playlist--I hear so much more. When is the last time I really loved myself? Followed my own desired to be fulfilled? Looked to purge and seek self-healing? Maybe it's the new year. Maybe it's the stress from the job. Maybe it's just my own soul yearning to be heard throughout all the madness surrounding me. I say I am at peace at this moment in my life. Though I may not be in the best position in my life, I refuse to stress myself with should've, could've, would've--I can alter nothing with stress! But maybe I do need to tighten the reigns a bit and truly take care of me.

By no means am I considering being selfish--far from. Society tells us when we choose to focus inward we narrow our view of the big picture--not true. If I am just a mess myself who can I help?? Granted I will never be in a position of perfection, I can still choose to be my best. And as I move further into that process I can then move to help others.

My complexity has be wanting to be in multiple places at one time, which is an impossible feat. So I must choose to lay aside the weight of others and carry my own cross for the moment. It cannot be buried any longer; for I keep making treks back to it and over looking it. I must face it head on now, and love it in its totality for it is all of me.

So I gotta love me. Such a complex task, but thank God I have been equipped to handle it and I don't have to do it alone!

Welcome to 2009!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution....

P.S. Yes 20 days are up! And he did not leave for California....that's a discussion for another post!

Long time coming...

So its been quite a while since my last post and glad to say some new things have definitely come my way.

1. I'm officially closer to 30 than I'll ever be! Yes 29 yrs old! I would think that I would be flipping out over being 29 and not have all the fairytale wishes a girl plans in her teenage years---but I'm good. Yes I say that with confidence, I'm good! Like wine, I get better with age! I guess that is my new tag line!!! I realize that what I didn't have at 21 or 25 I now have at 29. I'm learning to understand and appreciate my value and worth as a beautiful black woman. I have chosen to be confident and patient. Too character traits that normally clash with each other in the modern world. But the two combined are a force to be dealt with!

2. I'm done riding the wave. Yes this is a good thing! Some of you may ask what the wave is, but that's for me to label and for you to appreciate metaphorically! I mentioned the wave in earlier post though. It was cool while it lasted. I'm grown enough to know when enough is enough and that two opposite directions can't move in the same way......

3. I'm progressing well through the grieving process. My brother, Taurus, was shot and killed in 2006 and I thought the world stood still, but to my dismay it didn't. I forced myself into work, and graduate school but now I am learning to deal with the grief instead of submerging it. I am facing it head on and that's a good thing.

So its the last day of 2008 and in review I can truly say I enjoyed 08. Like everyone there are some things I wish were different, but I can handle the fact that they are the way they are and that's cool. I don't have to be this superwoman in order to deal with life and love the position that I am in. I plan to take 09 month by month.

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution......

20 Days

So I found out last night that the guy I'm crushing will the leaving for California in 20 days! 20 days! Yes 20 days! Secretly I'm flippin out. At first I didn't think twice about but last night when we got to talking about it, reality hit me square in the face! I keep it to myself because I refuse to be selfish. I am under the impression that some things are better left unsaid. I don't want him to change his life for me. Do you, boo! If the move is what you need to better advance yourself and your skills, I am all for it. Maybe these next 20 days is all we are supposed to have.

I almost make it seem like its the end of something, but in all possibility it may be! I am definitely lavishing in the moments.

I know this is a short post, but I had to tell somebody!!!!!

New Job

So at this point I am totally loving the blog! Thanks Arthur for turning me on to the blog! I love writing but have found little time for my craft and blogging helps to clear my mind and for me to be reflective and connect to something real. So this week I have been considering applying for a new job. I love teaching but I am tired of the high school drama! I want a new circle, a new challenge. I think I have the seven year itch as educators call it! Can't stay in one place no more than seven years...time for something different. I would love to teach at the college level, specifically at the community college. I found a few openings for the 09 school year relatively close to me and I am going to begin working my resume and other requirements. So what's the problem, you may ask??? Well I love the people I work with at my current job! I love the kids, I love being a strong woman of color in a predominately white school. I love giving students an experience many of them will never have again in their life as white children, a black teacher. Yet the dichotomy is that I am the ONLY black teacher in the building! Yes, the only one of a faculty and staff of almost 100! I'm accustomed to the situation considering I was one of the limited numbers in my high school and college--in fact I was the ONLY black student in my college graduation class!

What the hell!!!! Just typing that right then almost made me cry!! Look at what I have experience. Thank God I have a job where I can pour my experiences and lessons into others!

Anyway--I love the high school I teach but hate the politics of it. I am so tired of athletics taking priority over academics, the 15% of students who seriously have NO home training, and no change! Change is so important and there is so little of it. Why do we look at the situation, talk about it and then do nothing! ugh! That's another blog for another day!

So I'm off to the next stage of my life: a new job---wish me well!

She Got Her Own Thang...

I'm known in my circle of family and friends as Mz. Independent: single, no children, educated, homeowner, etc. I'm praised for what they characterize as going the extra mile to accomplish my goals. But is this a blessing or a curse?? I recently meet a guy, Trent, who told be a few days ago that is what he likes about me--that I am not waiting for someone to hand me success, I choose to go after success for myself. I was amazed. Sure I hear it from my friends and family but they are friends and family. To hear it from a man is completely different. I can remember the times when guys would not give me the time of day because they were intimidated by what I quote on quote "have." What am I supposed to wait around to find someone and hope they share their pie with me!! I want my own damn pie! Now don't get me wrong, everybody needs somebody. I am a firm believe we were made for companionship and relationship, but at the same time we are individuals. I want to be known for having my own passions that burn fire in my belly. And support you in what you love to do.

Though the concept is changing, we still have the image of Independence confused. Sure Independence is about being self-sufficient, yet self-aware to know when pride has been elevated too high. Yes I do want a brotha to share my world and I share his, but that doesn't mean I must sacrifice my individual goals and dreams. I say we can have it all!! I'm aware enough to know success means nothing when there is no one to share it with!

Truth is....

So one her first album, (do people still say albums or am I dating myself???) Fantasia dropped the single, Truth Is. Just so happen I was listening to my playlist and that song came on.

Ran into an old friend yesterday

Caught me by surprise when he called my name

He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past

Talked for a while, asked him how it's been

Said that he was seeing somebody and

Told me this was gonna last

Showing me her photograph

And all the feelings that I thought were gone

Came rushing back to me at once

Tried to smile and hide the way I felt

But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you

(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes

(Truth is) And when it's all said and done

Guess I'm still in love with you

(Truth is) I never should have let you go

(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know

(Truth is) And when it's all said and done

Guess I'm still in love with you

When I heard it I instantly thought about my high school flame, Carthell. I think I still love him??? I use question marks because I am really trippin about this one! I mean do you ever really stop loving someone? Honestly I can say I have only really loved a couple of men in my short life, one I am completely over but Carthell, I don't know what it is about this dude that he is always on my mind! I am trying to rationalize every possible reasoning behind my feelings. Maybe it is that I infatuated with the idea of what could be if we were to get back together...or maybe its the idea I know he loved me when we were together. Real talk I know he loved me for me no questions asked. Maybe that's the deal. The ideal of his love being real is what captures my heart and makes me want he again! So maybe I didn't get over him. Maybe I am still in love with him?

In my short years, finding real love is not an easy task in 2008! It seems like I am not coming in contact with those men who want something real, not commercial and artificial. I am not saying it has be to a committed relationship. I am open to almost anything, almost! Friends first is my motto. No matter if the relationship is casual , temporary, or lasting in permanency, I want it to be real. Being a grow(ing) woman means I can accept the things that come in my life for a moment or a life time with no hard feelings whatsoever! Regardless, I'm ready for the next big thing or person in my life.

I am at a stage in my life where I am really thinking. Seriously I think about each step I make and why I make it and my intentions for making it! When I time has expired I don't wanna look back in regrets for anything! I wanna say I took ever opportunity to love, live, and grow!

Our Work Is Not Done Yet!

Wow...I know, I know Obamania is still surging strong! But, in all seriousness can you blame'em? Change is always worth the hubbub! As a Black woman, I never imagined seeing a Black man as a president; not because it was never done, but in part because the fact that racism still exist. People it was only 40 years ago that the Civil Rights Movement was in full swing. My mom is 49 yrs. old! I am four generations removed from slavery! Yes we have come a long way but the work is not done yet! We did nothing if we think getting Obama in office is were the work stopped! Don't get me wrong, it was amazing to see so many people voting, but why so late??? How can you be in your 30's and this is your first time voting? What a mockery to our grandparents for being lynched, burned, and beat for just trying to register to vote! People we have to get out and do something now! We have no excuse. Now it is really time for the real workers to get out and work! If we continue to let our neighborhoods go to hell, what was the purpose of being a part of making history? Change means change---doing something different. We must go beyond ourselves and help change the world!