Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Am I Needy?

So I worked the majority of the day moving into a new classroom across the hall from my current classroom. Though I'm not super excited about the move, I'm trying to be a team player, ya know. I made a bitch move in May and now I may be paying for it! Not one of my finest moments but I gotta deal with it. Being a bitch can be costly. Anyway that's so not the direction I intended to go with this post. But I may have to go back and explore the cost of being a bitch later in a post! Everything has a price, huh?

Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.

But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--
I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm goin outta my mind

But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).

I feel like I gotta hold on so tight so that I won't lose grip of this new thing in my life. Why I feel this way???? IDK Part of my is afraid of losing someone that I love so dear like I lost my brother. In my mind I know it's a totally different situation and person but my heart is so tender and afraid. Old Flame came at the time when I realized I had not dealt with my brother's death and I began to walk through the process. He has been so good during this time. He listens to me cry and helps me to "see" the situation and that sometimes I tend to be a bit harsh on myself.

So besides this transfer of fear I guess I'm looking at the coming months & wondering if I really want this relationship or I am trying to find a way to back out. Part of me is like I don't need this right now. Not being self-centered at all, I can basically have any man that I want. Being a single woman is a damn powerful situation! I can date and play the field. I can have my cake and eat it too! Been then done that and it's really not me. It gets tiring after a way. You just want one man to love you for who you are. So now that I have that why do I feel like I am being super needy with him.

Maybe the distance thing is playing with my mind. Do I think he has some chick up there, nope! I have no doubt in my mind that he only has eyes for me. That's not the issue. It's something that I can't seem to put my hands on right now. Something is making me wanna be all in his grill and I really don't wanna be all in his grill---if that makes sense!

Maybe it's the time. He has always been in and out of my life. But no matter where I was he always found me. Our high school time together was so puppy love and fresh. Then I went to college and we saw each other at odd places--gas stations, stoplights, etc. He even thought about moving back home. I was so focused on school that I didn't give him a lot of attention. I knew if I took my eye off school for one moment, it was over! I was a couple of steps away from wildin' out and I knew it! So I had to play him to the left in a little bit. So now that we are adults and the opportunity has presented itself again I don't wanna lose it so I hold on dearly to it all.

So what makes me think I am needy? Well the fact that I wanna talk to him any chance I get--lately 3 or 4 times a day. I don't care if the conversations are 8 minutes or 30 minutes. I just wanna hear his voice. It's odd to me too. I think something is wrong with me.......

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