Exposing Shame

I had a vision last night. Of my impending success. I knew it was me. I knew it was real. It was powerful and refreshing and imposing and impactful and powerful. Yep. Powerful. Me powerful. I stood in the Wonder Woman pose with my hands on my hips in a red skirt and a brown shirt and a black and brown stripped blazer. I stood in authority. I said to myself, that's my vision. Then I saw myself standing in a black suit with a yellow belt (I like to be funky professional!!) in the same powerful stance.

I needed that vision.

I am currently not working. The K-5 school I was working in last school year decided not to pursue the renewing of its charter and officially closed its doors the last week of June. Here's the thing. Last school year had to be the 2nd best year of my 16 years of being an educator. I worked with 2 phenomenal leaders--Bosslady and E who expanded my knowledge, added to my toolbox and genuinely made be a better leader and human. Walked into the school year with hope and left with greater faith. In my purpose and my process and my journey.

My heart knows this part of my journey is the necessary building for what is to come. For that vision to manifest. Yet it doesn't stop my emotions from feeling shameful. Several no's start to weigh on my shoulders. Dangle at my feet. Whisper to my insecurities. As I watch the people make their way to their designated spaces with coffee in hand and I take my green tea back home. My feelings are my humanness. Yet I don't live in them. I feel them in the moment they arrive and then fight them in faith. And text convos with Trout. IG laughs. Alexa blasting modern gospel station. Sometimes silent prayers then teary prayers. Book reading. Writing. Sunday 9AM service and lunch dates with Naj. Just to name a few.

And I fight. Like my life depended on it. Because it does. I fight.

I share all this to say, life is complex. Many times we are brought to specific places in our journey by our own actions yet with divine purpose. In those spaces and places we must come face to face with who we are, what we have done, and ultimately be reminded of our Creator's intention of our intricately designed destiny. A destiny that does not come without challenge to best prepare us to sustain the power and greatness of who we truly are.

Your Book of Life is not, and will never be, my Book of Life. Though our chapters might merge or lines might double over. Yet they are uniquely original. Plenty of chapters written. And plenty more to be written. Some longer than others. All chronicling the perfect imperfection we are. 

When we are awake to our dreams, alive in our potential, present in our gratitude, creating forward options, and living in our beloved humanness we literally have no place for self shame. Or guilt. Or negativity that drives any fathomable insecurity that tries to overpower the love and lessons we are walking into each and every day.

Our "but for a moment" is working something far more greater within us and for us. Let's stay the course. We already have within what is necessary to win the already won battle.