Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Soldier Knows the Battle of the Heart is Not Easily Won...

In light of my last post, I gotta come clean. This will probably be the most personal blog I will every post. I had a near 2 hour conversation with one of the besties last night and it was so enlightening. Through discourse, I discovered I was lying to myself. So here's the story:

I have this amazing guy friend, "N." When I say amazing, I mean amazing. (They say if you say it twice it's really true!!) He's the first guy that I can have a serious no holds bar dialogue with. I mean we don't hold back; if it's happening, it's fair conversation. He understands and challenges my complexities and then constantly reminds me I deserve more than I sometimes allow myself to believe. My list of loves about N are quite lengthy: his intelligence, genuine care, confidence, and importantly how and loves and cares for his daughters are just a few. It's almost like I have been waiting for this friendship my whole life. The connection is not simple; it's more. Yes more. Anything that you can think of in a friendship add more and you got N. Of course with the more he is the more I want to know about him. He's super onion--gotta peel those layers back delicately.

As I spilled all this info to the bestie her attentive ears hear what I couldn't. That's the thing about a lie; sometimes it takes the vision of others to see. As it is said, "the eye cannot see itself but by some means of reflection." She was my reflection. My truth. Maybe I have more feelings for N than I allow myself to see. As bestie puts it, I prefer to take the limit of friendship rather than take the potential risk of relationship. I'm comfortable in the friendship zone. I chose to keep my "other" feelings in the other column. I prefer to keep the friend. I don't want to label this and gain a loss. But bestie says if I take the risk and it doesn't work then I deserve the right to release and move on to make myself available to opportunities.

Now my heart isn't naive. I know the chemistry is mutual, the extent, I'm not sure. But sly tongues in conversation has revealed the heart's intent. But will it ever be? Do I honestly want to lose N with because of a label? How come I can't keep the imaginary line in the sky and stay on this side? I am by no means waiting for N to make the transition, as well I am not pushing the transition. I believe in the natural progression of things. It may happen, it may not. The question thus becomes will I wait and see??

The probability of N reading this blog is beyond the 90th percentile, but honestly I don't think I'm revealing anything he doesn't already know...

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