Still Working it Out...

I wish I was still working out as in exercising! While I kinda still do. I walk every morning for at least an hour. It's not just a causal walk either. A very brisk walk. It def makes me sweat! And then a feel much better afterwards. But the work I'm talking about is work! This newsletter is getting tedious. The editing portion is a lot of work. My eyes get tired and then I just wanna stop. Then I realize that I gotta deadline.

But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.

Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.

Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out!

Oh...my summer goals...well they are still goals!

I'm Backkkkkkkk!!!

Yes, after a week of recovery I'm back. 100%. Thank God for docs & medicine! I'm not one of those who look toward "natural" healing. Hey, docs have a purpose on this earth and I am going to make sure they fulfill it! And that's what I got insurance for. I still have no clue how I got sick. Maybe it was a bad sinus infection, (that's my self diagnosis!) who knows. But I'm all good now. No more infection!


So I can't believe June is over. and I have only read one book. I am sooo disappointed with myself. This is not a good summer. I have yet to write for pleasure. My poor book is being abused. At this point I don't even know if I will get to it. I am still working on the district newsletter. I should meet my deadline on that with no problem.


The book....I read Sapphire's PUSH. I read it in a day. It was short. Definitately had my attention with its creativity and approach but it lacked in the substance to me. The storyline is absolutely powerful but I felt there could have been more depth to it. I finished the book asking a lot of questions that were not answered in the novel.


The others....I picked up a book of prayers, which I try to read two a day. I really like this book. I also have The Alchemist by Coelho and some other book that I found on the clearance shelf at Barnes & Noble. Hey, it's by a black guy and it was 4.98...had to give it a shot. Some of my favs have been on the clearance shelve.

By the way, Barnes & Noble is like heaven for a nerd like me! When I pull into the parking lot I can feel my heart begin to race. I wanna take all of the books home with me, I mean ALL the books! I never walk out of the place with more than one book. And this visit I bought four! But back to the original....feeling better, need to get back on track with summer goals, relationship with Old Flame is going strong....it's good to be back!

I'm Sick

Ain't this crazy?? The weather gets nice and I get sick. It hit me all of a sudden on Sunday, itchy throat, ear ache, and some itchy eyes. I thought it was just my allergies or sinuses so I just chilled out. But Sunday I didn't even get out the bed! Called the doc on Monday got in that morning and guess what...got a viral infection in my throat and ear. It hurts like hell! I'm so so tired, so tired! LOL So I might be out for the count for a few days. Been drinking vitamin water, surprisingly its really good! I guess Black Mamba (Kobe) and The Chosen One (Lebron) know what they talking about....

It's A Family Affair

My weekend was quite eventful. On Saturday my family and I attended a family picnic. Not just my immediate family, I'm talking about my whole family. All the decedents of my great-grandfather and his siblings. It turned out to be really nice. So many people showed up most I had never even meet before. All in all I enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about Old Flame. He's coming in town on Monday. And to make matters more interesting, everyone who knows about me and him keep asking about when he was coming in and all the other details.

I was reluctant to spill the beans, but it all just came running out like water! As I spoke I couldn't believe how I was so excited about him. I thought I had these emotions and feelings all under control, but in retrospect I could see I am really falling for this man! I have never felt this in my life about anyone. Even the men I thought I loved! LOL My feelings amaze when me! I guess it's not until you begin to express yourself in spoken word and hear your own voice that you realize what you have on the inside.

Oh I almost forgot the good stuff!!! So at the park with the fam, one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in a long time gave me the sadididdy...yeah you know the one who thinks she has it all in control and is soooo much better than you!!! Now keep in mind I know her and her husband very well. But he had to refer to him by "my husband" not by his name. And "my husband" is management so I don't have to work, I'm a stay-at-home mom....blah blah blah. I so wanted to say "bitch do I look like I care???" Seriously do you but you in no way gotta be nasty about it! I hate that attitude! She has always been this way toward me. I'm starting to think she has a little jealousy running in her veins! Family---gotta lov'em!

Bland Weekend

So was it me or was the game yesterday one of the most boring game you ever seen in your life? Of course I would have loved to be court side, but I would have been pissed to be there last night. I do commend the Orlando Magic for fighting hard last night instead of a blow out like game one. But come on! Is this going to be a four game final? I need some excitement . . . in this series that is.

On the other end I could use some excitement in my life. For the last few nights I have been bored. I know it's strange I can honestly say it's been an extremely long time since I have been bored, but last night and the night before I was bored. I was in a silly mood wanting to laugh and be funny but I didn't want to be around my usual crowd of weekend parties. I guess it's the summer blues before I gotta get some work down. I gotta start working on the summer newsletter for the school this week, so I wont have time to be bored now.

I did some painting over the weekend. It turned out better than I expected. I have more paint and would love to paint my sister's room but i gotta prime first. I hate priming. I really hate painting because using a roller makes my hands rough. I know that is such a girly statement but it is true. I loath rough skin of any kind, especially on the hands. Anyway that is so far from the point.

I went to church Sunday and realized I lost something over the last few months. My desire, drive, and determination has been slowly fading. I gotta find it and the only way to renew it is to get my to fortifying my relationship with God.

Maxin' and Relaxin'

So even though I am done for the summer, teaching that is, I still have the responsibility of working on our school district's quarterly newsletter. I started getting the information together while school was still in session, but there is still more work to do. And in my usual fashion, I am putting it off! Yes I have NO energy to go back to the school to get things done so that I can start putting the newsletter together. I want to relax for a minute. At this point I really don't wanna do any work at all. I don't wanna edit a story, read about the fees for the upcoming school year, change the dates, etc. I just wanna max and relax!!!

In other news, Old Flame and I have been talking on the regular. The more I talk to him the more I can see our future connecting. Yet I don't wanna think to much on the issue because I want my feelings to be genuine and true not contrived and planned. Last week he told me he loved me. I responded, "I know." According to my girl J Luv, that was the wrong response!! I didn't feel like I could say it back, yet. I mean I do love him a lot, but I don't wanna get caught in emotions and dreams. But I really do know he loves me. He tells me and his actions tell me as well. I'm sure one day I will tell him....

Lack of Judgment???

Old Flame and I have been really working on renewing our relationship and thus far its been going good. I am really discovering why I loved him then which makes he love him even more now. On the flip side I am faced with some of the same issues we dealt with then now. All the big relationship issues I'm cool with, for example, trust, honesty, loyalty, etc. But I really wonder if he is ready for a relationship. I don't want him selling me big dreams. sure it all sounds good, don't just be a talker, be a walker. I'm at a point in my life were I'm ready to settle down and enjoy one man in my life. I enjoy playing at the moment, but pimpin aint easy, ya heard! It's so hard to explain my feelings because I they are everywhere at the moment! Which is so not me. I'm trying to pull back find my focus and make sure my emotions aren't making the decisions for me.....

Neti Pot

So my aunt decided it would be a good idea for me to try this old technique of "cleaning" my nasal passages in order to breathe better, yada, yada, yada! I the little nose tea pot and follow the directions. Instantly I feel like I'm drowning! I know its funny as hell! I panic and drop the stupid thing in the sink and all it a D.A.Y. (gotta say it all spelled out!) My eyes are red and my nose is burning and I can't breathe! This was my second tine trying this thing. Needless to say either I don't know what the heck I'm doing or I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I sleep horrible last night! I was so congested, I tossed all night---damn neti pot!

But this morning I got to thinking...you know I feel the way my life is at the moment--congested! We only have final exams left and I am have been up to my eyeballs grading those last papers and assignments. The last three whole days have been spent in meetings that last allllllllll day. I haven't been able to get what I need accomplished. Then I go home to work on the basement. I spent the last two nights painting, which I don' mind. But I might change my mind cause I can see a callous forming on my hand--damn! Gotta get a manicure now! Can't have rough hands--I'm a lady!

I'm just ready to be done with everything--work, home renovations, people, everything! I know most people say, "your a teacher you get the whole summer off!" Damnit I deserve it! People have no clue how exhausting it can be to work with teens and their issues and their parents, especially their parents. I don't teach a subject that I can leave at work--I teach English, specially writing classes. All I do is grade papers! Now I'm not complaining, I LOVE what I do and would not change it for the world, but damn I'm tired!

I Normally Don't Do This....

RARE POST

I really don't blog on the weekends. Usually it's during the work week in between classes and grading papers. But today I have had enough! For the most part my weekends are relax and calm but today was a new one! I have had an attitude from hell. Seriously. Pure devil created! I sleep well last night, got up early this morning, got dressed and went to make a run and then the levees broke! As I walked to my car I noticed the garbage was everywhere! I normally put the garbage can in the garage because I live in a wooded area and the raccoons love my trash. But I didn't take the trash out. A friend who was over last night took it out for me and I specifically told him to put the can in the garage after you put the trash in it. Guess he didn't hear me. I had to pick up trash this morning! Felt like I had to scrub my hands 15 times. I was soooo pissed! When he called me I had to calm my rage and tell him in a kind voice--"hey if you so happen to take the trash out for me again and you be sure to place the trash can in the garage?" I guess my kind voice worked cause he was apologetic.

Oh but it doesn't end here. I get back home and Old Fame calls. I had just made me some breakfast and was ready to chow. I was excited to hear from him, but then he went there! I'm asthmatic and the cool air can sometimes do funky stuff to my breathing so I was wheezing when I answered the phone. I give him the spill and tell him I gotta get in to see my doc cause my inhaler ran out. Then he started fussing at me about it. I flipped out! I am so tired of people telling me to do this and do that, call here, so see this and make an appt for that! Get off my ass!!! He was just icing on the cake..our "spat" escalates and we both are pissed. He says bye I say so what! And we haven't talked all day! I know my rage was displaced.

But wait it gets sweeter! The construction guy for my basement is taking his effing time and did not show up yesterday. Now I understand that time is money! I am so frustrated with him I could scream! By 6PM he had done a 360 and so much had been done but that doesn't take away the fact that I am pissed at him.

So I needed this blog today to calm me down and to release the red and take in the blue.

What a day!

Being a Better Me

So I haven't been the best person I could be. (side note--have you noticed I tend to start each entry off with the word so?? Kinda funny to me being the English teacher and knowing every time I do start my sentences in that manner they are not complete sentences, only fragments, more specifically a dependent clause--relies on the other portion of the sentence in order to function properly--I know the nerd in me comes out every now and then.) I made it up in my mind at the mid of February that I really wanted to make some positive changes--the annual clean the closet. Get rid of some of the people who mean me know good. Make better financial choices concerning my house, education, and general spending. Concentrate on my writing. Make better plans when it comes to my daily teaching and the PR job. These are just a few areas I really wanted to focus in on. And as I reflect back, at this moment I'm not being the best I can be. I know we all have the tendency to be much more harder on ourselves than we should but this is not the case.

I gotta step up my game. I'm totally off my square and in this day and age one decision come be a costly mistake. I do give myself some credit with my house. I got the roof fixed--had a horrible pest problem--damn raccoons, and the work on the basement started last week. Of course I had a major push in these areas to get the work done--my family! My mom and siblings are moving into my house. She works for a Fortune 500 company who is doing rolling layoffs and things are tight. She tried putting her house on the market but it was just not going for the price it should--damn housing bubble--so she is renting it out. I am happy that I can be in a position to help her which I know she would do for me. We choose her house to rent out because only minor repairs need to be done. Mine on the other hand, needs a few major projects--renovating the kitchen and bath the top two. Our overall goal is to get both houses in market condition in the next two years so we can sell them and buy a large one together. Secretly I'm hoping that my time in Midwest IL will be over by then and I can sell and get the hell outta dodge! Warmer winters have been calling my name in the distance....shhh...I can hear them now........Tiffany....Tiffany

I can also give myself some credit for my job. I have gotten much better at organization and keeping my lesson plans together...at this moment it may look appear to be true looking at the mound of crazzap on my desk! But to my defense I just made the mess today! I'mma clean it off before I leave school...looking at the clock I had better hurry because the bell rings in 15 mins!!! (Not gonna happen--I'll stay late---maybe!) I use the say system for my high school kids as I do my college courses--a syllabus which is planned out a month at a time. It seems to keep me on track.

Now is where I have fallen off....money, money, money! I can be honest and say I didn't take after my mother's frugal and budget mind! I tend to spend whatever I can. I have very little in my savings and if something catastrophic where to happen today I would be screwed. Seriously! I maintain well but I have got to get a reserve. I think I need shopper's anonymous--really I do. And I'm being honest at that. I don't need an occasion to buy..I just do. And I don't buy all the time for myself--my family, friends, etc....I know there is a root to this issue but I have yet to figure it out....

So at the end of the school year I would have to grade myself with a D- I firmly feel the negativity of the money issue outweighs the positives I have done....I have got to become a better me...

Counting Down the Days

In ten days I will be driving to Minnesota to see Old Flame. I'm so excited about it and a little nervous too. The nerves come because I haven't seen in so long. Of course I've seen pictures and he looks the same, a little bit buffer, but the same. But to physically get to see me and in person be able to talk to him is going to feel soooo good. And of course maybe the other thing might happen!!!! I went out and bought him a gift; some Ed Hardy cologne. It smells soo manly! I knew it was the one, not only because I liked the smell but because it did something to me! I instantly felt exotic!

But I have soo many feelings and thoughts running through my mind right now, I can't even focus or make sense of it all. I just know that I am going to take my time and not rush into anything...

Summer Plans

I know it's quite a bit of time away before it can officially become summer--but I'ma teacher and I plan ahead! This year I really wanna focus on doing what I wanna do--seriously the past few summers have been while a challenge with my brother's death, then grad school two summers in a row. So I really want this one to be special. So here is what I have planned:

#1 Work on my national board certification. National board certification would allow me to teach at any school in the nation plus they give you a stipend of 5 grand for the first 5 fives you are certified. Because I wanna get my Phd I think this is the best option. I would love to attend UNC at Chapel Hill. They have the number one English program in the nation. But the likelihood of me getting into that program is slim! On GP imma go for it, but I am not expecting to be accepted into the program. I know that sounds crazy, but it's a sense of realty to me. I know what I can and can not do! But I am willing to try! So my back-up is to go to UNC at Greensboro! In the end, my degree will still say UNC!!!! So in order to make sure I would still have a j.o.b. anywhere I go, I gotta go for the National Board Cert. The best part of it is I have a few friends to go through the process with me. We can do a projects together so I'm really looking forward to it.

#2 WRITE!! Yes I gotta get the fingers clickin'! Since my class graduate class I haven't wrote for pleasure (which was August). I have a novel that has been in the works for about five years or so. Started in college and then used part of it for a creative writing project in grad school. My professor loved it and told me to seriously pursue it...so I'm gonna take her advice and get to writing. I plan to spend the summer writing no matter where I go, my laptop will go with me! I know that writing can be my bread & butter if I work it right!!! I'm a firm believer of the Word..God has given us all the power to obtain wealth!!

So there are my summer plans...

When Will You Call?

I've had enough. I usually call, but being that he may have been sleep I sent a text. I broke the rules, I know. The topic alone deserves a phone call versus the text, but like I said I've had enough. For the last week I have been going rounds with Old Flame about calling me. Granted, he does have a busy life, barber school 9 to 5 five days a week, then he goes to the studio to help local artist produce tracks. Sometimes he doesn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. Then on the weekends he has his son. But that is still is not an excuse. What's five minutes to say, "Hey how's it goin?" or what's a text to say, "I was thinking of you?" I don't care how long it is that we talk, all I care about is that we talk! It can be in the car on the way to the studio or right before you go to bed to say goodnight. With today's technology there is literally no excuse why you can't keep in touch with someone. The lack of effort is the reason why most relationships don't work.

So I sent a text that expressed my feelings, I keep it clean--for the most part! But hey I had to get my point across. I lead a busy life too, but I still make time to call him every chance I get. In the middle of the day while my students are reading or taking a quiz, I send a quick text. On my way to tutor I make a quick phone call. I try to let him know that he does matter to me. But this behavior is starting to remind me why we "didn't make it" while I was in college. Granted it was college, but he would always say what he would do and then it would never come to fruition. I blew it off to age and immaturity...but is history repeating itself? Or am I just being a plain bitch about it? Am I being too needy?

I really wanna make it work with him and see what it could be. I have "shed" myself of my other relationships just so I can focus in on him. I have been so open and honest with him about the relationships in my life and all that jazz. He asked me to do something for him and I did it, just so we could have a better chance. But I still question, when will you call....(by the way, those are the words of a Bilal song!!)

Love Locked Down

In keeping with my songs that surround my life, I was given some rocking news this weekend that I have yet to address. Though I'm not at liberty to give specifics my generals will allow me to share to the gist of the situation. So I call Old Flame on Saturday morning as I waited outside the nail salon to get my toes re-done. Yeah, see--quick sidetrack--I took my babygirl (a former student who I mentor) for a little ladies night out. We went to the nail salon; she got her nails done, I got my toes. The person who did my pedicure was not my usual cause she was booked solid. So I went with this other person and it was so-so. I didn't like the way toes were polished and the design was janky. Look like I tried to do it myself. I would have made them redone them, but we were headed to the movies and I didn't want to be late, babygirl really wanted to see Obsessed (personally I thought it was waaaaaaay too overdone and dramatic!) But I was determined to get my money's worth. I pay for a good job and I expect one. Now make to the real story--So I'm waiting for the place to open up and I give him a call to shoot the breeze while waiting for the place to open but not so much....

He immediately begins to rattle off information and my head starts spinning! He's like I gotta be completely honest with you about some things. I know you may not approve of what I am going to say, but I feel you have the right to know this information.....

Then he hits me with a bomb with the immediate effects like Hiroshima! I wanted so much to flip out but I knew I couldn't. It's nothing that changes the way I feel about him but it could cause issues with us being together.

So until this "matter" that he has gotten himself into gets resolved, I gotta keep my love on lock down....I mean I do really love him, but I love myself more...

Circle of Songs

I spent the better part of the today administrating the ACT to our juniors and boy am I tired! They tested from 8 to 12 and then went home. I wish I was able to go home! But of course, I gotta teach the rest of the day, which is a hard ass task! ACT is so strict. I was not allowed to do anything but watch the students and read directions from the supervisor manual. There're only so many songs I can sing in my heart to occupy my time. The one that replayed throughout the hours was Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take me Away. I know, I know. How strange, right? But I love the Dixie Chicks, especially this song!

I got hooked on country by my freshman year roommate, Megan. She was a huge country fan and loved NASCAR--now, slow your roll. I can't watch a car run around in circles 500 times! But some country music is quite alright by me! So as Natalie--the lead singer was jamming away in my own personal concert and her bandmate Martie was killin' that fiddle or violin or whatever its called I got to thinking...my life is just a circle of songs. I guess we all can make the same claim, but I never really thought about it. I mean I gotta major love for music, though I lack musical talent..not a singer, or a musican of any kind (little kids choir at church doesn't count!).

The chorus....cowboy take me away, fly this girl high as you can into the wild blue, set me free oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you....was on repeat in my head I thought about the plethora of issues going on in my life and the songs I could apply to them:

• Old Fame possibilies...Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away"...he totally could be my cowboy and take me away!
• Former FWB (now minus the b)... Club Nuevo "Lean on Me"...I have come to the conclusion that when he was at his low in came into my life and I helped to restore him and I am at peace with it. Our season was moderate fall weather, perfect for a nice watch watching the leaves change!
• My fam (mom, brother, sister)....Sly and the Family Stone "Family Affair"...they will soon be moving in with me. I have a two story with a huge basement, plenty of room for all of us. In this financial mess, we need each other! My mom is experience some temporary layoffs and I am MORE than willing to do whatever I need for my mommy!
• New truck! Yes I am itching for a new ride! I would love a Cadillac Escalade EXT. I know I would be the envy of many people....Jill Scott "Hate on Me"...I just might get it this summer! But most likely not! But it's okay to dream, right! (more like lust!!!!)
• Today I miss my brother! Yeah I sooo do. I wish I could visit heaven for a moment just for one last hug....Sting "I'll be Missing You" I miss every step he has taken, he breath that went through his body. I really do! I never question why he had to die, I question the means of his death....no one deserves murder.....(a little teary eyed now).

Mutual Respect

So this weekend of one of the best yet! It felt so awkward but at the same time it was amazing. My fwb is no longer my wb. It's strictly f--friend. He has found a chick that he is totally diggin and I am sooo happy for him! It all started Saturday during a trip to Walmart...

Me: So what if I find someone that I really like and wanna have a committed relationship with, would you be cool with that?
Him: yeah--have you found him?
Me: I dunno--maybe.
Him: that's love! I wanna see you happy. you deserve someone who will make you happy--i think i found her.
Me: REALLY??
Him: yeah..
Me: (super giddy with excitement) Yay! that's good! Tell me about her?

With a huge grin he begins to tell me about her. And there it was the official disconnect that we both needed. I have so much more respect for him. He was so real about the situation and about her. Then I told him about old flame. And he listened and then grilled me some more about him.
We spent all of Saturday afternoon having real talk about each other and our new relationships. I even helped him pick out a gift for her! Our conversation even carried over to Sunday afternoon. He told me all about his date and asked my advice on some things.

I know most folks aren't going to believe me when I say we do have a mutual respect for each other's lives and the direction we have chosen. We both know we wouldn't work in a relationship. We are seriously on two different levels in our lives, but we gotta solid friendship and I like it this way. I know for sure that I am ready to move on with my relationships now. I am ready for love in a better way now. Love not just based on sex--my favorite band says it so well....

I'm Ready For The Thangs(That You've Been Talkin' Bout')
I'm Ready Won't Chu Shine(And Remove My Clouds)
I'm Ready For A Place(Safe To Park My Heart)
Cause Lonliness Now In The World Is Off The Charts
I'm Ready For The Way(You Wanna Rub My Back)
I'm Ready For What Happens(After In The Sack)
I'm Ready To Quit Playin'(Cause I've Had Enough)
I'm Ready For This Boy And Girl To Rise In love

I'm All Ears

As I listen to my station on Jango....currently playing SWV's song Weak...remember that one? It was as my grandma says a jam! And it still is..anyway I can't help but to think about my old flame. I talked to him last night and something wasn't right. I could hear it in his voice....

Me: So what's good...you okay...you don't sound right?
Him: I'm good...how was work today?
Me: Work was work...but seriously are you okay?
Him: Yeah
Me: Okay...I respect your answer so I wont ask again but I want you to know that whatever it is Im here to listen. I mean Im concerned about you.
Him: Baby you dont have to be worried...Im good now. so work was work huh?

(FYI After 7 "Ready or Not" is playing right now...now that was a cut!!!)

So the conversation went into another direction and I left it alone, but of course I wasn't satisfied with his reply. But Im learning to respect what others say at the same time I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. It took about 5 more minutes for him to finally tell me what the deal was. And after some long pauses in between him finally getting it all out, I was content but a little irritated. I mean what is the deal with men and sharing??? Is it really that difficult?

Personally I dont have a problem with telling those around how I feel. I am under the impression that I should be able to express myself in a rational and respectable manner to anyone. I dont really "bite my tongue" for anyone which could be blessing and a curse at the same time! It kinda runs in my family. We some sharp tongue people! But im working on it! I swear!!! But back to the real story. I just dont get why he wont have told me about the situation before hand? I would not have been so worried about him. I didnt care about the reasoning behind the situation. It wasnt detrimental to our relationship!

I think I was more upset because he didnt tell me than about the situation. But I couldnt let it show. It was the right timely for me to go on a rampage! I had to focus on my guy and let him tell me about how he was feeling.

So why is it so difficult for me to share? Maybe its past experiences, childhood, something. But whatever it is I dont want it to ruin what we could have.....so Im all ears....

So I was thinking...

So since my last post I have been doing some serious thinking, not to much to make my head hurt but some it does have some depth. I'm pulling back from my fwb. Yeah, I gotta call it quits. He called the other day and I could hear in my own voice the lack of enthusiasm building. Previously I was always glad to hear from him, now its like, whatever dude! It's totally personal and all about me now. in retrospect, I yesterday was the first time in about a week that I text him. I even went a few days without a phone call. He called me a bit pissed that I hadn't called him. But doesn't my lack of calling say it all??? So I'm go ahead and put this one to bed, well not to bed literally....

On another note, I found out my favorite band of all times, Mint Condition is playing in St. Louis next month! I WILL be there! Even if I gotta go by myself! I CAN NOT miss a MC concert! It has been so long since I last seen them. Since I found out about the concert, I have been playing their latest CD, E-Life, nonstop. In fact I'm singing a song in my merry little head as I type..."the very thing that made me love you, is the thing pushing me away, now..." I have been addicted to Mint Condition since I was in the 6th grade! Yes the 6th grade!!!! Yep 1992..first album, Meant to be Mint, first song I heard, Breakin my Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)...what memories!!! I have owned every album...back then cassette!!!! Now the collection has turn to CDs! At any rate I could go on and go about Mint Condition! But I'll stop while i am ahead!

So I really need to get back on the workout grind. I repeat this thought in my head everytime I think about the sexy ass tattoo I would love to get on my upper back....and it carries me for a week at the most! But seriously I'll be the big 3-0 this year and what a great gift to give to myself than a tat! I gotta love for words and would love to get some on my upper back, but I'll be damn if i take my shirt off and let all the jelly jiggle in front of some tattoo artist as it looks now! NO SIR! I'm my biggest fan and my worst enemy......all at once!

Have I said it lately that I really hate my job? Not that I don't love what I do..teaching is my passion. I was so born to do the damn thang! I do it well, might I add--but this 9 to 5 Monday through Friday is soooooo for the birds! I need flexibility! I have this Master's degree and have yet to see it really work for me! I spent umpteen dollars at a private university to do nothing with it...what a frustration sometimes...patience is a virtue I have yet to learn...so I really don't "hate" my job I just want something different, I guess......

So summer's knocking at the door and I wanna go soo many places. I have to go to ATL for atleast 2 weeks. My cousins have a new house and it would be great just to chill and do nothing for a bit. Then of course shop and shop and shop and shop. Being me I gotta so do something educational as well....I'm such a nerd! Last year it was the aquarium (did you know Mint Condition has an album entitled Life's Aquarium???) this year maybe Coke Factory and some MLK stuff. I think my fam (Mom, brother, & sister) will be heading to FL this summer. Mom as a friend who wouldn't be using their condo at Sand Pebbles Resort so we might take them up on the offer. $700 for a full week! We found some cheap flights, ($150 round trip) so we will see what be comes of it all.....

I think that is all I've been thinking about...

Oh by the way...did I say I have tooooo many papers to grade???

What's A Lady To Do???

So I have recently connected with an old flame and things are going......welll....kinda of...good but at the same time I am a bit lost! Upfront I am not the type of chick that likes the whole dating multiple dudes. Quite frankly it gets too confusing and tends to create drama. My mom is convinced I am going to have a domestic dispute one day! She told my best friend, who is a police officer to be on call this week (the old flame is coming to town!). I laughed at it! After last night part of me is wondering if her experience and wisdom knows something I have yet to see.


I told her that my fwb is not wanting a relationship. To me we have no real connection. I can barely hold a conversation with him outside of the the bedroom! No sparks, chemistry, nothing! Real talk, he just does the deed, ya know! But last night he was being a little possessive. Like I had to be with him, keep calling and texting, etc. He was soooo persistent about talking to me. Even though he says that he doesn't care what I do, part of me sees that he does. So what do I do?


My old flame knows about my fwb and he's well.....how can I put it.....concerned! He thinks that I am emotionally invested in dude, but I know I am not. It's good but not everything I want. I can give it up to know that I could make it work with my old flame seriously. I will take the total package any day versus a small portion of the total man! But old flame wants me to be real about the situation, which I can respect.


So do I get rid of the fwb?

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)

Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot,

welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Ok, ok, so I'm a little too young to have seen the original episodes of Welcome back, Kotter but I did sporadically catch some of the re-runs over the years. As a kid, I had no clue why they were welcoming Kotter back. But after awhile I caught on...teacher returns to teach a group of "unteachable" students at his Alma mater. The irony is that he was one of the original members of this specific group, the Sweathogs. But it so fitting for my life at the moment, well the song that is.

I get a email from my high school BF and all it says is call me 612-xxx-xxxx. Immediately I'm a little star struck. My friends have always joked that no matter where I go or what happens he seems to "find" me. We dated on and off, you know high school love, from my junior year to freshman year in college. Then he moved away to Minnesota. After I graduated college, I was driving to my mom's house and who pulls up behind me, well him. I hadn't talked to him in about two and a half years. We briefly conversed, brought each other up to sped and said we would keep in touch. Well that was about six years ago, yes I said six.

Awwww..I'm getting those feelings again from high school. I remember when he wrote that first note, talking about how he saw me in the hall with my girls and didn't want to approach me cause of what my girls might say. Yeah my girls were wild back in the day! Two were very popular, I mean everybody in the school knew them and one was very vocal, and I mean vocal. She was quick to speak, and fight might I add! So I can understand his hesitation.

But we both are at a different point in our lives. He's a man now, gotta 6 yr. old son, a career. I'm a woman now, just finished grad school, gotta career, ready to go back to school again, and I think I am ready to settle down, ya know. I am getting restless with "playing." Ready to move on to a new level in my life and my relationships.

So he and I have responded through text messages few a minute. This morning at 6:45 sharp I got a text saying "good morning." I'm no expert nor to I wish to delve too deep and add meaning where none exist, but I believe he was thinking of me. And guess what, that made me smile!

So welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.....