Am I Needy?

So I worked the majority of the day moving into a new classroom across the hall from my current classroom. Though I'm not super excited about the move, I'm trying to be a team player, ya know. I made a bitch move in May and now I may be paying for it! Not one of my finest moments but I gotta deal with it. Being a bitch can be costly. Anyway that's so not the direction I intended to go with this post. But I may have to go back and explore the cost of being a bitch later in a post! Everything has a price, huh?

Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.

But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--

I can't breathe when you talk to me

I can't breathe when you're touching me

I suffocate when you're away from me

So much love you take from me

I'm goin outta my mind

But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).

I feel like I gotta hold on so tight so that I won't lose grip of this new thing in my life. Why I feel this way???? IDK Part of my is afraid of losing someone that I love so dear like I lost my brother. In my mind I know it's a totally different situation and person but my heart is so tender and afraid. Old Flame came at the time when I realized I had not dealt with my brother's death and I began to walk through the process. He has been so good during this time. He listens to me cry and helps me to "see" the situation and that sometimes I tend to be a bit harsh on myself.

So besides this transfer of fear I guess I'm looking at the coming months & wondering if I really want this relationship or I am trying to find a way to back out. Part of me is like I don't need this right now. Not being self-centered at all, I can basically have any man that I want. Being a single woman is a damn powerful situation! I can date and play the field. I can have my cake and eat it too! Been then done that and it's really not me. It gets tiring after a way. You just want one man to love you for who you are. So now that I have that why do I feel like I am being super needy with him.

Maybe the distance thing is playing with my mind. Do I think he has some chick up there, nope! I have no doubt in my mind that he only has eyes for me. That's not the issue. It's something that I can't seem to put my hands on right now. Something is making me wanna be all in his grill and I really don't wanna be all in his grill---if that makes sense!

Maybe it's the time. He has always been in and out of my life. But no matter where I was he always found me. Our high school time together was so puppy love and fresh. Then I went to college and we saw each other at odd places--gas stations, stoplights, etc. He even thought about moving back home. I was so focused on school that I didn't give him a lot of attention. I knew if I took my eye off school for one moment, it was over! I was a couple of steps away from wildin' out and I knew it! So I had to play him to the left in a little bit. So now that we are adults and the opportunity has presented itself again I don't wanna lose it so I hold on dearly to it all.

So what makes me think I am needy? Well the fact that I wanna talk to him any chance I get--lately 3 or 4 times a day. I don't care if the conversations are 8 minutes or 30 minutes. I just wanna hear his voice. It's odd to me too. I think something is wrong with me.......

I'm Home!

So I made it in this morning from beautiful Atlanta, GA. The weather was super nice for my vaca and all was well--I take that back; it was a roller coaster of a trip.

#1 Touched down Saturday--one of the best flights I have ever taken total trip time 1:25 mins. But it took 2 hours to get to my dad's because of the traffic! 85 was down to one lane so we tried to take a different route and it was stand still traffic!!! I was in traffic longer than I was on the dang-on plane.

#2 Saturday night I spent with my cousins--got a little wasted. Take that back a lot wasted on Skyy vodka. I normally don't drink much but Skyy is so smooth you really don't realize how much you are drinking. Then went to the Waffle House. Trouble! I was soooooo sick the next day. I could barely move! I think it was the food. I was straight until I ate. I sleep the whole day--literally the whole day. It wasn't until Monday that I started feeling better.

#3 I had courage enough, after 8 trips down there, to finally start driving around by myself. I was soooo excited. Like a 16 yr. old with her L's! I drove my step-mom's truck everywhere! It was starting to feel like a second home!

#4 So I'm my dad's only child. He has been living in the ATL area since I was six. I started visiting him when I turned 14. Of course he takes care of me when I visit, but this visit was a little different. He bought me anything I wanted. Seriously! I didnt have to come out of pocket for anything. He even bought me a laptop----I KNOW! I was so shocked and excited that I got scared. It was like the still quiet before the storm.

#5 I love my cousins but damn! One has a BAD ass son! This little dude is an hell raiser! He doesn't want to got to the bathroom so he shits & pisses in corners of the house. Too much!

#6 Ate at my fav ATL area spot, This is it! I love that place! It's about 40 mins from my dad's house but damn it worth the drive!

#7 Got a phone call while on vaca asking me to work in the writing lab at the local community college. Way stoked! God is really showing me favor! I'll be teaching a night class there as well. I think this might be my time to shine! Watch out! They done gave me an opening now I'm about to kick some walls down so somebody can have a better view!

#8 My cousin made me miss my flight. I was highly pissed! I mean highly! Thankfully I got rescheduled for free. But if I had to pay then there was going to be hell to pay the piper! But now that I'm home I'm good! I know now not to depend on them suckas!

I'm back home chillin on the new laptop, hey it's kinda nice! I like! Imma relax and get ready to head up north in a few days to see Old Flame--I gotta see my baby! Then its back to work! Yuck!

Headed to ATL

The day has finally come for me to head to ATL. I'm sooo excited to see my daddy and my step-mom. I try to make it down there at least once a year. I know that seems so long between visits but hey we are in a recession. And besides I really only like to fly. Sit back relax and one hour and 45 minutes later we are in ATL. If I were to drive it like 11 hours...9 hours too long!!! But I'm excited about going. My BFF is going to. She just so happens to be engaged to my cousin and it is going to be the first time we are travelling together. The only time I really get to travel is in the summer because of work. Besides who like to take a trip only to take work with you and come back to more work!!

Though I'm uber (a step above super) excited about going I am still a little sadden. Old Flame does care about me going but he knows this is like my "last" trip for a while and he wanted to see me again before I go back to work. I'm trying to work my schedule to take one more trip before I head back to work on the 17th. It's gonna be tough. And I may have to bring work with me, which is never a pleasure. But I guess I will have to make it work if I do decide to go see him.

On the other hand, my lame a** laptop crashed again. Yes last summer the hard drive crashed and it has happened again! I can't decide if I want to get it fixed again or chalk it up to the game and purchase a new one. Cost effectiveness tells me it may be cheaper to have it repaired than buy a new one. But I can see the custom one right now. Me clicking away on the keys working out the details of this new book idea I got. I really got two concepts that I desperately need to get on paper. The information is swirling in my head the vanilla has mixed with the chocolate and its coming together but I gotta get it out. Why is "turning" the handle the hardest part??? I got this "stuff" in my creative mind and I don't take the time to get it out!! I'mma mess. I know that writing is a gift from God but I have not had the passion to pursue it like I used to. There's a big disconnect somewhere and I have yet to find it. Maybe this vaca will help to refocus on what I really want to do. I honestly believe my wealth is tied into my writing. Though I love teaching I have yet to meet the millionaire teacher!!!! LOL

At any rate I'm off!!! Maybe I'll come back with pics from the A! Deuces for about a week or so!

Can You Stand the Rain?

Yeah I know the title of another song. But this time it's not Mint Condition. It's New Edition. BTW they was the bomb on the BET Awards! Even BBD put it down! Okay back to the title...so I just got done talking to Old Flame and he was so excited that even though he was not in the best of moods talking to me managed to make him feel better. I smiled when he said this. To me what's the point of the conversation if it can't be personable, ya know?? I mean I don't think I told him anything special. I just reminded him that it will rain from time to time in our life; it's supposed to. But I'm in his corner and no matter what it is I'm hear to listen and support. He says that I'm the only woman who has never judged him and who really sees him for who he really is...I was so touched when he said those words.

That's what I'm here for, right? I mean the point of being in a relationship or building any relationship for that matter if you can't find solace and comfort in know that when it pours you have someone to hold the umbrella as you wonder to and fro? Honestly we all need somebody and I'm happy I could be that person for him. Today's conversation made he realize why I am falling in love with him. He is so transparent. He let's me see him as he is and he is not ashamed of the mistakes he has made because the are an instrumental part of the man he has become. I think that is such a rarity and I love it. It makes for real conversation and generally great communication. I don't mind getting wet with him on my side.......

On a perfect day I know that I can count on you.

When that's not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?

Cause I need somebody who will stand by me.

Through the good times and bad times

she will always, always be right there.

Sunny days, everybody loves them, tell me baby can you stand the rain?

Storms will come, this we know for sure.

Can you stand the rain?

Love unconditional--I'm not asking this of you

And girl to make it last I'll do whatever need to be done.

But I need somebody who will stand by me.

When it's tough she won't run.

She will always be right there for me.

Sunny days everybody loves them

Tell me baby can you stand the rain? Can you stand it?

Storms will come, I know, I know all the days won't be perfect.

This we know for sure, But can you stand it?

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain? No pressure, no pressure from me baby.

Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you girl.

Tell me baby can you stand the rain?

Will you be there for me?

Come on baby let's go get wet.

Meant to be Mint

So I have always talked about my love for Mint Condition...the BEST band in the world, and yesterday Old Flame called me so I could listen to one of his fav songs and it just so happen to be Mint Condition's Nothing Left to Say on their most recent album, E-life, by the way is an independent release. He is into producing music and he loves the concept of the song. As he played it I mouthed the words, I know them all on this cd and the last one too, Livin' the Luxury Brown. Listening to the song I realized I really love the fact that we vib on a lot of things. Stealing a from my fav band, I believe we are meant to be.....

I'm Ready

At this very moment I have come to the conclusion that I'm ready. Yeah it's a lovely thing to be ready. I'm ready to love, to be responsible, to take ownership of all my past errors, and present short comings, to give, to receive, to listen, to be heard, to stop running and face my fears in all their forms, to walk into my destiny with no restraints, become the woman God created me to be, to create the written work God gave me on paper for the word to read.....

I'm ready for all ready has to offer......

Still Working it Out...

I wish I was still working out as in exercising! While I kinda still do. I walk every morning for at least an hour. It's not just a causal walk either. A very brisk walk. It def makes me sweat! And then a feel much better afterwards. But the work I'm talking about is work! This newsletter is getting tedious. The editing portion is a lot of work. My eyes get tired and then I just wanna stop. Then I realize that I gotta deadline.

But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.

Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.

Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out!

Oh...my summer goals...well they are still goals!

I'm Backkkkkkkk!!!

Yes, after a week of recovery I'm back. 100%. Thank God for docs & medicine! I'm not one of those who look toward "natural" healing. Hey, docs have a purpose on this earth and I am going to make sure they fulfill it! And that's what I got insurance for. I still have no clue how I got sick. Maybe it was a bad sinus infection, (that's my self diagnosis!) who knows. But I'm all good now. No more infection!


So I can't believe June is over. and I have only read one book. I am sooo disappointed with myself. This is not a good summer. I have yet to write for pleasure. My poor book is being abused. At this point I don't even know if I will get to it. I am still working on the district newsletter. I should meet my deadline on that with no problem.


The book....I read Sapphire's PUSH. I read it in a day. It was short. Definitately had my attention with its creativity and approach but it lacked in the substance to me. The storyline is absolutely powerful but I felt there could have been more depth to it. I finished the book asking a lot of questions that were not answered in the novel.


The others....I picked up a book of prayers, which I try to read two a day. I really like this book. I also have The Alchemist by Coelho and some other book that I found on the clearance shelf at Barnes & Noble. Hey, it's by a black guy and it was 4.98...had to give it a shot. Some of my favs have been on the clearance shelve.

By the way, Barnes & Noble is like heaven for a nerd like me! When I pull into the parking lot I can feel my heart begin to race. I wanna take all of the books home with me, I mean ALL the books! I never walk out of the place with more than one book. And this visit I bought four! But back to the original....feeling better, need to get back on track with summer goals, relationship with Old Flame is going strong....it's good to be back!

I'm Sick

Ain't this crazy?? The weather gets nice and I get sick. It hit me all of a sudden on Sunday, itchy throat, ear ache, and some itchy eyes. I thought it was just my allergies or sinuses so I just chilled out. But Sunday I didn't even get out the bed! Called the doc on Monday got in that morning and guess what...got a viral infection in my throat and ear. It hurts like hell! I'm so so tired, so tired! LOL So I might be out for the count for a few days. Been drinking vitamin water, surprisingly its really good! I guess Black Mamba (Kobe) and The Chosen One (Lebron) know what they talking about....

It's A Family Affair

My weekend was quite eventful. On Saturday my family and I attended a family picnic. Not just my immediate family, I'm talking about my whole family. All the decedents of my great-grandfather and his siblings. It turned out to be really nice. So many people showed up most I had never even meet before. All in all I enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about Old Flame. He's coming in town on Monday. And to make matters more interesting, everyone who knows about me and him keep asking about when he was coming in and all the other details.

I was reluctant to spill the beans, but it all just came running out like water! As I spoke I couldn't believe how I was so excited about him. I thought I had these emotions and feelings all under control, but in retrospect I could see I am really falling for this man! I have never felt this in my life about anyone. Even the men I thought I loved! LOL My feelings amaze when me! I guess it's not until you begin to express yourself in spoken word and hear your own voice that you realize what you have on the inside.

Oh I almost forgot the good stuff!!! So at the park with the fam, one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in a long time gave me the sadididdy...yeah you know the one who thinks she has it all in control and is soooo much better than you!!! Now keep in mind I know her and her husband very well. But he had to refer to him by "my husband" not by his name. And "my husband" is management so I don't have to work, I'm a stay-at-home mom....blah blah blah. I so wanted to say "bitch do I look like I care???" Seriously do you but you in no way gotta be nasty about it! I hate that attitude! She has always been this way toward me. I'm starting to think she has a little jealousy running in her veins! Family---gotta lov'em!

Bland Weekend

So was it me or was the game yesterday one of the most boring game you ever seen in your life? Of course I would have loved to be court side, but I would have been pissed to be there last night. I do commend the Orlando Magic for fighting hard last night instead of a blow out like game one. But come on! Is this going to be a four game final? I need some excitement . . . in this series that is.

On the other end I could use some excitement in my life. For the last few nights I have been bored. I know it's strange I can honestly say it's been an extremely long time since I have been bored, but last night and the night before I was bored. I was in a silly mood wanting to laugh and be funny but I didn't want to be around my usual crowd of weekend parties. I guess it's the summer blues before I gotta get some work down. I gotta start working on the summer newsletter for the school this week, so I wont have time to be bored now.

I did some painting over the weekend. It turned out better than I expected. I have more paint and would love to paint my sister's room but i gotta prime first. I hate priming. I really hate painting because using a roller makes my hands rough. I know that is such a girly statement but it is true. I loath rough skin of any kind, especially on the hands. Anyway that is so far from the point.

I went to church Sunday and realized I lost something over the last few months. My desire, drive, and determination has been slowly fading. I gotta find it and the only way to renew it is to get my to fortifying my relationship with God.

Maxin' and Relaxin'

So even though I am done for the summer, teaching that is, I still have the responsibility of working on our school district's quarterly newsletter. I started getting the information together while school was still in session, but there is still more work to do. And in my usual fashion, I am putting it off! Yes I have NO energy to go back to the school to get things done so that I can start putting the newsletter together. I want to relax for a minute. At this point I really don't wanna do any work at all. I don't wanna edit a story, read about the fees for the upcoming school year, change the dates, etc. I just wanna max and relax!!!

In other news, Old Flame and I have been talking on the regular. The more I talk to him the more I can see our future connecting. Yet I don't wanna think to much on the issue because I want my feelings to be genuine and true not contrived and planned. Last week he told me he loved me. I responded, "I know." According to my girl J Luv, that was the wrong response!! I didn't feel like I could say it back, yet. I mean I do love him a lot, but I don't wanna get caught in emotions and dreams. But I really do know he loves me. He tells me and his actions tell me as well. I'm sure one day I will tell him....

Lack of Judgment???

Old Flame and I have been really working on renewing our relationship and thus far its been going good. I am really discovering why I loved him then which makes he love him even more now. On the flip side I am faced with some of the same issues we dealt with then now. All the big relationship issues I'm cool with, for example, trust, honesty, loyalty, etc. But I really wonder if he is ready for a relationship. I don't want him selling me big dreams. sure it all sounds good, don't just be a talker, be a walker. I'm at a point in my life were I'm ready to settle down and enjoy one man in my life. I enjoy playing at the moment, but pimpin aint easy, ya heard! It's so hard to explain my feelings because I they are everywhere at the moment! Which is so not me. I'm trying to pull back find my focus and make sure my emotions aren't making the decisions for me.....

Neti Pot

So my aunt decided it would be a good idea for me to try this old technique of "cleaning" my nasal passages in order to breathe better, yada, yada, yada! I the little nose tea pot and follow the directions. Instantly I feel like I'm drowning! I know its funny as hell! I panic and drop the stupid thing in the sink and all it a D.A.Y. (gotta say it all spelled out!) My eyes are red and my nose is burning and I can't breathe! This was my second tine trying this thing. Needless to say either I don't know what the heck I'm doing or I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I sleep horrible last night! I was so congested, I tossed all night---damn neti pot!

But this morning I got to thinking...you know I feel the way my life is at the moment--congested! We only have final exams left and I am have been up to my eyeballs grading those last papers and assignments. The last three whole days have been spent in meetings that last allllllllll day. I haven't been able to get what I need accomplished. Then I go home to work on the basement. I spent the last two nights painting, which I don' mind. But I might change my mind cause I can see a callous forming on my hand--damn! Gotta get a manicure now! Can't have rough hands--I'm a lady!

I'm just ready to be done with everything--work, home renovations, people, everything! I know most people say, "your a teacher you get the whole summer off!" Damnit I deserve it! People have no clue how exhausting it can be to work with teens and their issues and their parents, especially their parents. I don't teach a subject that I can leave at work--I teach English, specially writing classes. All I do is grade papers! Now I'm not complaining, I LOVE what I do and would not change it for the world, but damn I'm tired!

I Normally Don't Do This....

RARE POST

I really don't blog on the weekends. Usually it's during the work week in between classes and grading papers. But today I have had enough! For the most part my weekends are relax and calm but today was a new one! I have had an attitude from hell. Seriously. Pure devil created! I sleep well last night, got up early this morning, got dressed and went to make a run and then the levees broke! As I walked to my car I noticed the garbage was everywhere! I normally put the garbage can in the garage because I live in a wooded area and the raccoons love my trash. But I didn't take the trash out. A friend who was over last night took it out for me and I specifically told him to put the can in the garage after you put the trash in it. Guess he didn't hear me. I had to pick up trash this morning! Felt like I had to scrub my hands 15 times. I was soooo pissed! When he called me I had to calm my rage and tell him in a kind voice--"hey if you so happen to take the trash out for me again and you be sure to place the trash can in the garage?" I guess my kind voice worked cause he was apologetic.

Oh but it doesn't end here. I get back home and Old Fame calls. I had just made me some breakfast and was ready to chow. I was excited to hear from him, but then he went there! I'm asthmatic and the cool air can sometimes do funky stuff to my breathing so I was wheezing when I answered the phone. I give him the spill and tell him I gotta get in to see my doc cause my inhaler ran out. Then he started fussing at me about it. I flipped out! I am so tired of people telling me to do this and do that, call here, so see this and make an appt for that! Get off my ass!!! He was just icing on the cake..our "spat" escalates and we both are pissed. He says bye I say so what! And we haven't talked all day! I know my rage was displaced.

But wait it gets sweeter! The construction guy for my basement is taking his effing time and did not show up yesterday. Now I understand that time is money! I am so frustrated with him I could scream! By 6PM he had done a 360 and so much had been done but that doesn't take away the fact that I am pissed at him.

So I needed this blog today to calm me down and to release the red and take in the blue.

What a day!

Being a Better Me

So I haven't been the best person I could be. (side note--have you noticed I tend to start each entry off with the word so?? Kinda funny to me being the English teacher and knowing every time I do start my sentences in that manner they are not complete sentences, only fragments, more specifically a dependent clause--relies on the other portion of the sentence in order to function properly--I know the nerd in me comes out every now and then.) I made it up in my mind at the mid of February that I really wanted to make some positive changes--the annual clean the closet. Get rid of some of the people who mean me know good. Make better financial choices concerning my house, education, and general spending. Concentrate on my writing. Make better plans when it comes to my daily teaching and the PR job. These are just a few areas I really wanted to focus in on. And as I reflect back, at this moment I'm not being the best I can be. I know we all have the tendency to be much more harder on ourselves than we should but this is not the case.

I gotta step up my game. I'm totally off my square and in this day and age one decision come be a costly mistake. I do give myself some credit with my house. I got the roof fixed--had a horrible pest problem--damn raccoons, and the work on the basement started last week. Of course I had a major push in these areas to get the work done--my family! My mom and siblings are moving into my house. She works for a Fortune 500 company who is doing rolling layoffs and things are tight. She tried putting her house on the market but it was just not going for the price it should--damn housing bubble--so she is renting it out. I am happy that I can be in a position to help her which I know she would do for me. We choose her house to rent out because only minor repairs need to be done. Mine on the other hand, needs a few major projects--renovating the kitchen and bath the top two. Our overall goal is to get both houses in market condition in the next two years so we can sell them and buy a large one together. Secretly I'm hoping that my time in Midwest IL will be over by then and I can sell and get the hell outta dodge! Warmer winters have been calling my name in the distance....shhh...I can hear them now........Tiffany....Tiffany

I can also give myself some credit for my job. I have gotten much better at organization and keeping my lesson plans together...at this moment it may look appear to be true looking at the mound of crazzap on my desk! But to my defense I just made the mess today! I'mma clean it off before I leave school...looking at the clock I had better hurry because the bell rings in 15 mins!!! (Not gonna happen--I'll stay late---maybe!) I use the say system for my high school kids as I do my college courses--a syllabus which is planned out a month at a time. It seems to keep me on track.

Now is where I have fallen off....money, money, money! I can be honest and say I didn't take after my mother's frugal and budget mind! I tend to spend whatever I can. I have very little in my savings and if something catastrophic where to happen today I would be screwed. Seriously! I maintain well but I have got to get a reserve. I think I need shopper's anonymous--really I do. And I'm being honest at that. I don't need an occasion to buy..I just do. And I don't buy all the time for myself--my family, friends, etc....I know there is a root to this issue but I have yet to figure it out....

So at the end of the school year I would have to grade myself with a D- I firmly feel the negativity of the money issue outweighs the positives I have done....I have got to become a better me...

Counting Down the Days

In ten days I will be driving to Minnesota to see Old Flame. I'm so excited about it and a little nervous too. The nerves come because I haven't seen in so long. Of course I've seen pictures and he looks the same, a little bit buffer, but the same. But to physically get to see me and in person be able to talk to him is going to feel soooo good. And of course maybe the other thing might happen!!!! I went out and bought him a gift; some Ed Hardy cologne. It smells soo manly! I knew it was the one, not only because I liked the smell but because it did something to me! I instantly felt exotic!

But I have soo many feelings and thoughts running through my mind right now, I can't even focus or make sense of it all. I just know that I am going to take my time and not rush into anything...

Summer Plans

I know it's quite a bit of time away before it can officially become summer--but I'ma teacher and I plan ahead! This year I really wanna focus on doing what I wanna do--seriously the past few summers have been while a challenge with my brother's death, then grad school two summers in a row. So I really want this one to be special. So here is what I have planned:

#1 Work on my national board certification. National board certification would allow me to teach at any school in the nation plus they give you a stipend of 5 grand for the first 5 fives you are certified. Because I wanna get my Phd I think this is the best option. I would love to attend UNC at Chapel Hill. They have the number one English program in the nation. But the likelihood of me getting into that program is slim! On GP imma go for it, but I am not expecting to be accepted into the program. I know that sounds crazy, but it's a sense of realty to me. I know what I can and can not do! But I am willing to try! So my back-up is to go to UNC at Greensboro! In the end, my degree will still say UNC!!!! So in order to make sure I would still have a j.o.b. anywhere I go, I gotta go for the National Board Cert. The best part of it is I have a few friends to go through the process with me. We can do a projects together so I'm really looking forward to it.

#2 WRITE!! Yes I gotta get the fingers clickin'! Since my class graduate class I haven't wrote for pleasure (which was August). I have a novel that has been in the works for about five years or so. Started in college and then used part of it for a creative writing project in grad school. My professor loved it and told me to seriously pursue it...so I'm gonna take her advice and get to writing. I plan to spend the summer writing no matter where I go, my laptop will go with me! I know that writing can be my bread & butter if I work it right!!! I'm a firm believer of the Word..God has given us all the power to obtain wealth!!

So there are my summer plans...

When Will You Call?

I've had enough. I usually call, but being that he may have been sleep I sent a text. I broke the rules, I know. The topic alone deserves a phone call versus the text, but like I said I've had enough. For the last week I have been going rounds with Old Flame about calling me. Granted, he does have a busy life, barber school 9 to 5 five days a week, then he goes to the studio to help local artist produce tracks. Sometimes he doesn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. Then on the weekends he has his son. But that is still is not an excuse. What's five minutes to say, "Hey how's it goin?" or what's a text to say, "I was thinking of you?" I don't care how long it is that we talk, all I care about is that we talk! It can be in the car on the way to the studio or right before you go to bed to say goodnight. With today's technology there is literally no excuse why you can't keep in touch with someone. The lack of effort is the reason why most relationships don't work.

So I sent a text that expressed my feelings, I keep it clean--for the most part! But hey I had to get my point across. I lead a busy life too, but I still make time to call him every chance I get. In the middle of the day while my students are reading or taking a quiz, I send a quick text. On my way to tutor I make a quick phone call. I try to let him know that he does matter to me. But this behavior is starting to remind me why we "didn't make it" while I was in college. Granted it was college, but he would always say what he would do and then it would never come to fruition. I blew it off to age and immaturity...but is history repeating itself? Or am I just being a plain bitch about it? Am I being too needy?

I really wanna make it work with him and see what it could be. I have "shed" myself of my other relationships just so I can focus in on him. I have been so open and honest with him about the relationships in my life and all that jazz. He asked me to do something for him and I did it, just so we could have a better chance. But I still question, when will you call....(by the way, those are the words of a Bilal song!!)

Love Locked Down

In keeping with my songs that surround my life, I was given some rocking news this weekend that I have yet to address. Though I'm not at liberty to give specifics my generals will allow me to share to the gist of the situation. So I call Old Flame on Saturday morning as I waited outside the nail salon to get my toes re-done. Yeah, see--quick sidetrack--I took my babygirl (a former student who I mentor) for a little ladies night out. We went to the nail salon; she got her nails done, I got my toes. The person who did my pedicure was not my usual cause she was booked solid. So I went with this other person and it was so-so. I didn't like the way toes were polished and the design was janky. Look like I tried to do it myself. I would have made them redone them, but we were headed to the movies and I didn't want to be late, babygirl really wanted to see Obsessed (personally I thought it was waaaaaaay too overdone and dramatic!) But I was determined to get my money's worth. I pay for a good job and I expect one. Now make to the real story--So I'm waiting for the place to open up and I give him a call to shoot the breeze while waiting for the place to open but not so much....

He immediately begins to rattle off information and my head starts spinning! He's like I gotta be completely honest with you about some things. I know you may not approve of what I am going to say, but I feel you have the right to know this information.....

Then he hits me with a bomb with the immediate effects like Hiroshima! I wanted so much to flip out but I knew I couldn't. It's nothing that changes the way I feel about him but it could cause issues with us being together.

So until this "matter" that he has gotten himself into gets resolved, I gotta keep my love on lock down....I mean I do really love him, but I love myself more...

Circle of Songs

I spent the better part of the today administrating the ACT to our juniors and boy am I tired! They tested from 8 to 12 and then went home. I wish I was able to go home! But of course, I gotta teach the rest of the day, which is a hard ass task! ACT is so strict. I was not allowed to do anything but watch the students and read directions from the supervisor manual. There're only so many songs I can sing in my heart to occupy my time. The one that replayed throughout the hours was Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take me Away. I know, I know. How strange, right? But I love the Dixie Chicks, especially this song!

I got hooked on country by my freshman year roommate, Megan. She was a huge country fan and loved NASCAR--now, slow your roll. I can't watch a car run around in circles 500 times! But some country music is quite alright by me! So as Natalie--the lead singer was jamming away in my own personal concert and her bandmate Martie was killin' that fiddle or violin or whatever its called I got to thinking...my life is just a circle of songs. I guess we all can make the same claim, but I never really thought about it. I mean I gotta major love for music, though I lack musical talent..not a singer, or a musican of any kind (little kids choir at church doesn't count!).

The chorus....cowboy take me away, fly this girl high as you can into the wild blue, set me free oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you....was on repeat in my head I thought about the plethora of issues going on in my life and the songs I could apply to them:

• Old Fame possibilies...Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away"...he totally could be my cowboy and take me away!
• Former FWB (now minus the b)... Club Nuevo "Lean on Me"...I have come to the conclusion that when he was at his low in came into my life and I helped to restore him and I am at peace with it. Our season was moderate fall weather, perfect for a nice watch watching the leaves change!
• My fam (mom, brother, sister)....Sly and the Family Stone "Family Affair"...they will soon be moving in with me. I have a two story with a huge basement, plenty of room for all of us. In this financial mess, we need each other! My mom is experience some temporary layoffs and I am MORE than willing to do whatever I need for my mommy!
• New truck! Yes I am itching for a new ride! I would love a Cadillac Escalade EXT. I know I would be the envy of many people....Jill Scott "Hate on Me"...I just might get it this summer! But most likely not! But it's okay to dream, right! (more like lust!!!!)
• Today I miss my brother! Yeah I sooo do. I wish I could visit heaven for a moment just for one last hug....Sting "I'll be Missing You" I miss every step he has taken, he breath that went through his body. I really do! I never question why he had to die, I question the means of his death....no one deserves murder.....(a little teary eyed now).

Mutual Respect

So this weekend of one of the best yet! It felt so awkward but at the same time it was amazing. My fwb is no longer my wb. It's strictly f--friend. He has found a chick that he is totally diggin and I am sooo happy for him! It all started Saturday during a trip to Walmart...

Me: So what if I find someone that I really like and wanna have a committed relationship with, would you be cool with that?
Him: yeah--have you found him?
Me: I dunno--maybe.
Him: that's love! I wanna see you happy. you deserve someone who will make you happy--i think i found her.
Me: REALLY??
Him: yeah..
Me: (super giddy with excitement) Yay! that's good! Tell me about her?

With a huge grin he begins to tell me about her. And there it was the official disconnect that we both needed. I have so much more respect for him. He was so real about the situation and about her. Then I told him about old flame. And he listened and then grilled me some more about him.
We spent all of Saturday afternoon having real talk about each other and our new relationships. I even helped him pick out a gift for her! Our conversation even carried over to Sunday afternoon. He told me all about his date and asked my advice on some things.

I know most folks aren't going to believe me when I say we do have a mutual respect for each other's lives and the direction we have chosen. We both know we wouldn't work in a relationship. We are seriously on two different levels in our lives, but we gotta solid friendship and I like it this way. I know for sure that I am ready to move on with my relationships now. I am ready for love in a better way now. Love not just based on sex--my favorite band says it so well....

I'm Ready For The Thangs(That You've Been Talkin' Bout')
I'm Ready Won't Chu Shine(And Remove My Clouds)
I'm Ready For A Place(Safe To Park My Heart)
Cause Lonliness Now In The World Is Off The Charts
I'm Ready For The Way(You Wanna Rub My Back)
I'm Ready For What Happens(After In The Sack)
I'm Ready To Quit Playin'(Cause I've Had Enough)
I'm Ready For This Boy And Girl To Rise In love

I'm All Ears

As I listen to my station on Jango....currently playing SWV's song Weak...remember that one? It was as my grandma says a jam! And it still is..anyway I can't help but to think about my old flame. I talked to him last night and something wasn't right. I could hear it in his voice....

Me: So what's good...you okay...you don't sound right?
Him: I'm good...how was work today?
Me: Work was work...but seriously are you okay?
Him: Yeah
Me: Okay...I respect your answer so I wont ask again but I want you to know that whatever it is Im here to listen. I mean Im concerned about you.
Him: Baby you dont have to be worried...Im good now. so work was work huh?

(FYI After 7 "Ready or Not" is playing right now...now that was a cut!!!)

So the conversation went into another direction and I left it alone, but of course I wasn't satisfied with his reply. But Im learning to respect what others say at the same time I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. It took about 5 more minutes for him to finally tell me what the deal was. And after some long pauses in between him finally getting it all out, I was content but a little irritated. I mean what is the deal with men and sharing??? Is it really that difficult?

Personally I dont have a problem with telling those around how I feel. I am under the impression that I should be able to express myself in a rational and respectable manner to anyone. I dont really "bite my tongue" for anyone which could be blessing and a curse at the same time! It kinda runs in my family. We some sharp tongue people! But im working on it! I swear!!! But back to the real story. I just dont get why he wont have told me about the situation before hand? I would not have been so worried about him. I didnt care about the reasoning behind the situation. It wasnt detrimental to our relationship!

I think I was more upset because he didnt tell me than about the situation. But I couldnt let it show. It was the right timely for me to go on a rampage! I had to focus on my guy and let him tell me about how he was feeling.

So why is it so difficult for me to share? Maybe its past experiences, childhood, something. But whatever it is I dont want it to ruin what we could have.....so Im all ears....

So I was thinking...

So since my last post I have been doing some serious thinking, not to much to make my head hurt but some it does have some depth. I'm pulling back from my fwb. Yeah, I gotta call it quits. He called the other day and I could hear in my own voice the lack of enthusiasm building. Previously I was always glad to hear from him, now its like, whatever dude! It's totally personal and all about me now. in retrospect, I yesterday was the first time in about a week that I text him. I even went a few days without a phone call. He called me a bit pissed that I hadn't called him. But doesn't my lack of calling say it all??? So I'm go ahead and put this one to bed, well not to bed literally....

On another note, I found out my favorite band of all times, Mint Condition is playing in St. Louis next month! I WILL be there! Even if I gotta go by myself! I CAN NOT miss a MC concert! It has been so long since I last seen them. Since I found out about the concert, I have been playing their latest CD, E-Life, nonstop. In fact I'm singing a song in my merry little head as I type..."the very thing that made me love you, is the thing pushing me away, now..." I have been addicted to Mint Condition since I was in the 6th grade! Yes the 6th grade!!!! Yep 1992..first album, Meant to be Mint, first song I heard, Breakin my Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)...what memories!!! I have owned every album...back then cassette!!!! Now the collection has turn to CDs! At any rate I could go on and go about Mint Condition! But I'll stop while i am ahead!

So I really need to get back on the workout grind. I repeat this thought in my head everytime I think about the sexy ass tattoo I would love to get on my upper back....and it carries me for a week at the most! But seriously I'll be the big 3-0 this year and what a great gift to give to myself than a tat! I gotta love for words and would love to get some on my upper back, but I'll be damn if i take my shirt off and let all the jelly jiggle in front of some tattoo artist as it looks now! NO SIR! I'm my biggest fan and my worst enemy......all at once!

Have I said it lately that I really hate my job? Not that I don't love what I do..teaching is my passion. I was so born to do the damn thang! I do it well, might I add--but this 9 to 5 Monday through Friday is soooooo for the birds! I need flexibility! I have this Master's degree and have yet to see it really work for me! I spent umpteen dollars at a private university to do nothing with it...what a frustration sometimes...patience is a virtue I have yet to learn...so I really don't "hate" my job I just want something different, I guess......

So summer's knocking at the door and I wanna go soo many places. I have to go to ATL for atleast 2 weeks. My cousins have a new house and it would be great just to chill and do nothing for a bit. Then of course shop and shop and shop and shop. Being me I gotta so do something educational as well....I'm such a nerd! Last year it was the aquarium (did you know Mint Condition has an album entitled Life's Aquarium???) this year maybe Coke Factory and some MLK stuff. I think my fam (Mom, brother, & sister) will be heading to FL this summer. Mom as a friend who wouldn't be using their condo at Sand Pebbles Resort so we might take them up on the offer. $700 for a full week! We found some cheap flights, ($150 round trip) so we will see what be comes of it all.....

I think that is all I've been thinking about...

Oh by the way...did I say I have tooooo many papers to grade???

What's A Lady To Do???

So I have recently connected with an old flame and things are going......welll....kinda of...good but at the same time I am a bit lost! Upfront I am not the type of chick that likes the whole dating multiple dudes. Quite frankly it gets too confusing and tends to create drama. My mom is convinced I am going to have a domestic dispute one day! She told my best friend, who is a police officer to be on call this week (the old flame is coming to town!). I laughed at it! After last night part of me is wondering if her experience and wisdom knows something I have yet to see.


I told her that my fwb is not wanting a relationship. To me we have no real connection. I can barely hold a conversation with him outside of the the bedroom! No sparks, chemistry, nothing! Real talk, he just does the deed, ya know! But last night he was being a little possessive. Like I had to be with him, keep calling and texting, etc. He was soooo persistent about talking to me. Even though he says that he doesn't care what I do, part of me sees that he does. So what do I do?


My old flame knows about my fwb and he's well.....how can I put it.....concerned! He thinks that I am emotionally invested in dude, but I know I am not. It's good but not everything I want. I can give it up to know that I could make it work with my old flame seriously. I will take the total package any day versus a small portion of the total man! But old flame wants me to be real about the situation, which I can respect.


So do I get rid of the fwb?

Welcome Back!

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)

Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot,

welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Ok, ok, so I'm a little too young to have seen the original episodes of Welcome back, Kotter but I did sporadically catch some of the re-runs over the years. As a kid, I had no clue why they were welcoming Kotter back. But after awhile I caught on...teacher returns to teach a group of "unteachable" students at his Alma mater. The irony is that he was one of the original members of this specific group, the Sweathogs. But it so fitting for my life at the moment, well the song that is.

I get a email from my high school BF and all it says is call me 612-xxx-xxxx. Immediately I'm a little star struck. My friends have always joked that no matter where I go or what happens he seems to "find" me. We dated on and off, you know high school love, from my junior year to freshman year in college. Then he moved away to Minnesota. After I graduated college, I was driving to my mom's house and who pulls up behind me, well him. I hadn't talked to him in about two and a half years. We briefly conversed, brought each other up to sped and said we would keep in touch. Well that was about six years ago, yes I said six.

Awwww..I'm getting those feelings again from high school. I remember when he wrote that first note, talking about how he saw me in the hall with my girls and didn't want to approach me cause of what my girls might say. Yeah my girls were wild back in the day! Two were very popular, I mean everybody in the school knew them and one was very vocal, and I mean vocal. She was quick to speak, and fight might I add! So I can understand his hesitation.

But we both are at a different point in our lives. He's a man now, gotta 6 yr. old son, a career. I'm a woman now, just finished grad school, gotta career, ready to go back to school again, and I think I am ready to settle down, ya know. I am getting restless with "playing." Ready to move on to a new level in my life and my relationships.

So he and I have responded through text messages few a minute. This morning at 6:45 sharp I got a text saying "good morning." I'm no expert nor to I wish to delve too deep and add meaning where none exist, but I believe he was thinking of me. And guess what, that made me smile!

So welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.....

Where Have I Gone???

So I have totally been neglecting my writing in the last few weeks. It has been forever and a day since I last blogged and honestly I don't know why. My guy Mr. Lovely even texted me this weekend and asked about why haven't I been blogging. I told him I ran out of things to say. The added email from Shawn really urged me to write today. Seriously I don't know why. This syndrome is not only present in my writing, it's in my job and my other activities. I have no clue what it is or how it came about. My normal routine is to work my ass-off to grade papers, plan my lessons (a month in advance might I add), edit my school's newsletter way before my deadline, and then do all the other stuff I do on the regular i.e. tutor, kick with my fam and my friends, etc. Now its like I have no motivation to do any of it. I so what a new surrounding; new job, new house, new car, semi-new friends (maybe just associates!!) and a new city.

It's not that I am not content with my life. I am eternally grateful but I feel like I have been in this place--which I can't define--way too long. I told my cousin yesterday I think I'm ready for the next big thing in my life, love. Like real love. But unlike Mary I am not searching for it.

Maybe I lost, ehhh I don't know. But whatever it is I gotta get over it like the Flu. Gotta find the combination of remedies to rid myself of "this place." Whatever it maybe called, I don't wanna be here anymore....

In the Moment

So I'm still on this ponder of the benefit of my fwb. I've determine that the reason we are fwb is because both of us really ambiguous about our relationship. Sure part of me likes him for relationship potential but like I mentioned last time, the other half of me doesn't want to work for it. Anytime you have sex with someone feelings get involved. Come on now, we grown. Feelings are in a vital part of everything we do, no matter if we want to admit it or not. But here's my thing: can I just be in the moment?

So I'm in the car with him and he is on the phone with one of his friends. Personally I can care less who he talks to, but can I be the moment? Seriously, if you are with me for the moment, lay your other chicks on the side for the moment. It's rude to be conversing with her when you in the car with me or just in my mere presences. While I'm in your moment, I don't cloud with the other dudes in my circle. I render what's yours to you, at that moment.

I know it may sound kinda like jealousy but really it's not. Like I said, I don't expect to be the only one in his world, but I don't expect to share my moment. I don't share his moments with anyone. If my phone rings and it is another dude, I send it to voicemail. If I get a text, I might reply and say, hey I'll get at you later but that's it.

I guess to me this is a rule of fwbs we need to make clear. I only get a few moments anyway so let me enjoy it!!!!

M.I.A.

It's been a while since my post. I don't know why, but it seems I have run out things to say! Is that even possible? Again I dunno! But I have been working hard...grading papers and assigning more papers to well, grade! What an exhausting circle sometimes. I get so "busy" with school (that's what I call my job, school, because I learn just as well as the students do) I forget to do the things that I find personal satisfaction in. School even took up my weekend. The Vice/Versa Dance was on Saturday and I had to chaperon. Yep 3 1/2 hours of straight standing was sooo enjoyable! I couldn't help myself to bust a move. The kids love when I dance with them. Little do they know this chick has a hard time staying on beat. Really I do. LOL It's humorous, really it is! I love to move but dancing has never been my thing. But again I dance for the kids--Tiffany love the kids! My moves got me in the school's yearbook last year. The kicker--my girl supervises the yearbook and she let the kids this huge ass picture of me as the dominate photo on the page! Her rational--"The kids wanted to put it on the page! They just couldn't stop talking about you!"
Part of me doesn't believe her. Secretly I know she got some satisfaction with my mug plastered on the page for 1100 kids to see!

But it didn't hold me back this year--I got down--school appropriately.

My FWB wanted to take me to Chicago for the weekend, but I couldn't go because of the chaperon thing. I liked the jester but then again I don't know if that crosses the FWB line. So are the benefits worth it? I mean are FWBs overrated? Or is just me? I mean he's cool and all but he is definitely not someone I want to spend to the rest of my life with. I don't wanna work that hard. I mean we have sooo many differences, religion mainly, that neither of us are willing to compromise on. We respect each other but don't agree. Sometimes I don't even bring up things because I know we disagree and I don't wanna make it a "I gotta prove my point" issue. I choose my battles carefully. He bought me a Valentine's Day gift. I think he got more excitement out of giving me the gift than I did receiving it. It was cute and thoughtful I have to admit, but honestly it wasn't "me." Normally I would have that conversation, "Thanks, but..." but this time I just might let it ride out. He's crazy about sneakers so I bought him a pair of Nike's. Nothing expensive (I'm a DIVA always on a budget!) but there were hot--silver metallic and white--nice! See just that, I bought him something I know he would LOVE without a doubt..maybe it's a girl thing--pay attention to the small details. He says after the 4 months we have been, what's the right word, ummm "knowing" each other he knows me. But I don't really think he does. Again maybe knowing me doesn't too much matter because he is a FWB.....

Get ready for love...

One of my students made my morning much better. We're talking about arguments in my Comp. 111 class, more specifically appeals to needs and values. I assigned the students to bring in an advertisement and determine what need did it appeal to. check this one out:

Not sure if you can read all the print, but pay close attention to the center "Let us tell your X how you really feel!" LMAO As if that was not enough check the lower left hand corner: One dozen DEAD roses & jumbo card with each delivery!

Have a great day!

Game of Survival

Today I worked through an exercise with my senior students that teaches on the Toulmin's concept of the warrant (Toulmin says three parts of an argument; claim, support, and warrant). The warrant is the assumption or general principle that leads us to make a claim. So this exercise asked you to take a list of 11 people and narrow it down to only 7 who would survival as the last people on earth, place the list in order of rescue and your reasoning for choosing this person. The text gave a brief description of each person--like Mrs. G: 28, ninth grade education, cocktail waitress, former prostitute, single, was married at 18, has son (Joesph).


It was amazing to see who the students choose and why these people versus others on the list. No doubt we have all completed an exercise like this before, but it got me thinking. I had a difficult time creating my list. I weighed the options and then questioned by own assumptions. But what if I can take this same principle and apply it to my life. What do I really need to survive? Is all the unnecessary really necessary? Why do we choose things for temporal satisfaction when we really know we want more? Am I really making the right choices for survival?

I can remember my senior year in high school I told this girl's business to the ENTIRE English class, yes the whole class. Though it was truth doesn't mean I had the right to say it. Because of that I lost a friend. John and I were so cool, but when I did what I did it hurt him. I didn't get a chance to apologize to John but I did to DeeDee. And that made her day! She thought I absolutely hated her. And I felt so guilty. Since that incident I made it a life lesson to check my motivations and never intently do anything I would later regret.

The principle carried me through college and afterward but now it's like I got buckwild and forgot it! And I tell myself that I am surviving. My material success aligns to the survival--house, cars, career, education, and some money left over to spurge on shoes! But have I missed it somewhere? What is "it"? Am I playing the right game? Is it really about survival? Maybe my principle's need to change.

It's obvious my assumption about life as created a faulty claim lacking real support.

Chasing Payments....

My friend Art hooked me to this amazing 19 year old phenom Adele and her song "Chasing Payments." The girl is tough! I have always been a major music fan, I mean MAJOR. I love all types from country to heavy metal to rap to Latin to vocal jazz to gospel...I love it all. But of course it has to have a message. I can't get with what I have dubbed, "basement" music. You know the kind that sounds like you and your friends pressed record/play on the tape recorder messing around in your parents basement. (LOL at myself and the crazy things I did back in the day!) At any rate I don't have to name specifics, you know who I'm talkin' bout!

So music speaks volumes to me. A language I can't live without.

Here are her lyrics:

I've made up my mind, Don't need to think it over, If I'm wrong I am right, Don't need to look no further, This ain't lust, I know this is love but, If I tell the world, I'll never say enough, Cause it was not said to you, And that's exactly what I need to do, If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere, Or would it be a waste?Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up, And fly around in circles, Waiting as my heart drops, And my back begins to tingle Finally could this be it

Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere, Or would it be a waste?Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere...

So I'm wondering why do we chase pavements? Empty lonely roads that lead to more desolation than peace. Are we gluttons for misery? Or hopeless fools hoping hope will desperately appear? Or is it that we chase these pavements like yellow brick roads in search of home? A heart? A brain? Courage?

What gives? Maybe it's the chase itself we hold on to. The fact someone is chasing us or are we chasing them??

So I Been thinking.....

I know its scary! Even gives me shivers. But I have been thinking:

• Why do ALL of Keysha Cole's songs sound the same? I mean done to the all the music being played in the same key! Every song is a remake of the previous release.....something something....I remember when I loved you......something something.....I should've cheated...something something....sent from heaven....something something....love never knew what I was missing but I knew when we started kissing.....something something....if he ain't gonna love you the way he should then let him go....
• Why in the world does my jaw hurt? Seriously from back by my ear to chin it aches. I really need to get this checked out!
• When did 20% off become a sale??? Circuit City is going out of business and people are flocking to buy items with 20% off! WTF??? We in a recession you gotta come better than that!
• I saw something amazing today: A black women bought a welding school! Yes two of them! My jaw dropped (maybe that's why it hurts!) She used to be a motivational speaker for the company and when she heard they were looking to sell she went for it! Ain't that something? I was so blessed by her story! Do yo thang Ms. Debra!
• When is ready ready? Seriously..when do you know you are ready? Does it depend on the situation? Does it depend on time? How do you decide? For instance, I say I'm not ready for a serious relationship (at least that's what I told "20") but do I really mean that? How do I know when I'm ready? I say I'm not ready to move out of the state, but I wanna go so bad. I am just being anxious for a dream or am I truly not ready?
• I gave a test to my sophomores today (over some short stories we read in class and the appropriate terminology that goes along with the stories). Gave specific directions..."please take your notebook out and place it on your desk. Turn to the next blank page. Complete your test in your notebook. Do not tear it out when you finish. Keep it in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when you complete your test. Again do not write on my test. Write your answers in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when your finish." Notice how I repeated myself using different words but the same meaning. Just in case the first time was a bit difficult to understand. How many didn't follow directions you ask? 2 of the 12. Damn damn damn!!!!
• Why is it so hard for me to keep my desk clean? I mean seriously! Monday I started off well. No "stacks of undetermined papers" on the side. All filed to my right in the correct folder and place. I actually had a clear space where I could grade papers. I dunno. I really dunno. Where did I go wrong??
• I am proud of myself. I am able to help my step-mom and dad avoid foreclosure. They both recently lost jobs and now are in a tight spot (like many of us) and I had what they needed! That makes me feel so proud. To be able to give when it is most needed makes my heard glad! I am actually making a difference....*smile
• So why didn't I get the memo that the color dark night is navy blue??? I thought it was black---not! When its really dark at night all you see is black! Not blue! I ordered a long sleeve from a store on-line to wear under my work polo and the damn thing is navy blue. I guess it doesn't look too bad under the royal blue polo??? At least I think it doesn't. But if it did look crazy I'm sure I girls (my friends I work with) would have put me on blast today at round table (lunch)!
• Should I get my hair shorter? Last year I cut 8 inches off my locs. They were in the almost to my butt and I could not take the weight of it! Getting all that washed was a mess! So I cut it to my shoulders in an asymmetrical bob. I recently got it cut a bit shorter now I think I want it right to the bottom of my ears. So still a bob but shorter....ummmm something to think about...(shiver)
• Today was the most amazing day! In the copy room making copies (lol) and on of the fellow teachers (not my co-worker--cause some of them round here don't "count" me so I don't "count" them) here spoke to me for the FIRST time! On real business! I pass each other every morning and I would say hello. And no response. Maybe he didn't hear me. Next day try it again a little louder. No response. Not even a nonverbal smile, head nod, wave, eye blink, nothing! Try again a bit louder--you guessed it! No response! Now to hell with you! But today ummmm 6 months later he spoke to me. I was stunned! Actually have a bit of conversation about reading! Yes! How kids love to learn how to read and then we get them in high school they HATE school! What happened? Where was the disconnect? That was our brief 45 sec conversation! Wow!
• I have been teaching seven years....yes seven! I got the itch...got my master's...it didn't satisfy the itch...gotta get my ph.d...UNC at Greensboro here I come!!!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

It's Official!!

Pregnant?
Ummmm No.

Engaged?
Nope

New job?
I wish!

Lost weight?
Did I mention Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice cream?

Addicted to blogging?
Yep and proud of it!!!

Seriously I have not had to this much "word" mental stimulation in a looooong time. I love partaking in every one's lives. Reading about personal life to politics truly excites me. The power your words hold resident with me throughout the day. The inspire me, challenge me, make me laugh, and encourage me. Blogging and following the blogs of others was one of the best decisions I have made. Besides it get me to write more!

Keep doing what you do, cause you do it well!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

Dust Myself Off & Start All Over Again!

So here it is, the last week on January 2009, can you believe it! Well I can't. I was thinking about it this morning and recalled what I was doing last year at this time...well I was working out 4 days a week and NOT eating the Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream which I have become addicted too recently!!! (Damn I get excited about its flavor just thinking about it!!!)

I started off 08 with a goal and worked that goal for 4 months straight! I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I had ever decided to get committed about being healthier. I had lost 30 pounds and was well on my way. But then I got sick, had surgery and lost all momentum! Seriously momentum was out the door. In part because of the surgery but still what happened??? Did I use my surgery as an excuse?

At this point I am still trying to figure out what stopped me dead in my tracks. Though I haven't gained the weight back, I haven't lost any either. So I am trying it all over again. I am picking up my food journal ( a MUST have when trying to lose weight. Writing down the food you eat does wonders on the mind!), hittin' the elliptical, downloading some more good music, and I am off!

I really want this. I will be thirty at the end of the year and when I turn 30 in December I wanna say DAMN look at me! I did what I said I was going to do!

Though I won't make it the focus on my writings, I will def keep you updating on my progress.

Mark the calendar for Feb. 2 2009---I'll be a rebel WITH a cause!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution.....

Update on the 20...I Think I Broke His Heart

So I am getting asked about the guy I meet back in December who was supposed to have left earlier these month for California. Well as the use of the past tense verb in the previous sentence suggest, he didn't leave. Which is a good thing on his part but moving on to "us." Well here it goes...a few weeks ago I shared with him my feelings about the progression of "us." I told him I wanted to slow down and get back to some important things in my life I started slowed started to neglect when he came in my life. It was not an act of selfishness but one of love....for myself. I started to notice how infrequent I did things that I purposely placed in my life for balance, self-awareness, and joy. My attitude changed. I was getting frustrated by things when normally I would not even give that thing the time of day! Most importantly my lack of actions was getting noticed by the people I love, family and friends.

Now dude is a good dude, but like us all he got baggage and issues that I can't help him with. Things he gotta deal with on his own. The same with me. Nobody can make the actions you need to help you; you gotta do the footwork!

So that is where it is. We talk every now and then. We really don't "kick-it" strong like we did in the beginning. All of the choices I made I'm cool with.

Though he say he is too, his actions show otherwise....he is real short with me now. Like if he calls me...yes if he calls me and I ask a simple question like "have you spoken to so-in-so?" He instantly snaps out! His body language has changed and everything. Believe me, you know when something is up!

So I think I really hurt him, though his man pride is refusing to be real about it. I think he really likes me and was hoping "us" would evolve into something more. But at this point, I don't want more.

So I'm thinking I might have to totally cut loose.

It only takes one to start a revolution.............

Responsibility of Woman

One of my idols, yes I have idols, Mary J. Blige has a song entitled, Feel Like a Woman.

I want you to rescue me.Take me from this misery.Put your arms around me bay.Hold me close, please hear me say.(Ohh)You really gotta hold on me.(You do)Right here is where I wanna be.(With you)Boy, there's something I want you to do.Cause tonight I wanna...

Chorus:]Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna compete)

(I just wanna be the only girl that you need)

Feel like a woman. (Boy, I want you to be everything to me)

(Don't wanna be deceived)

Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna fuss and I don't wanna cuss)

(I just wanna feel the love from both of us)

Feel like a woman. (Now I only wanna do what you tell me to)

(Won't you show and prove)

Feel like a woman.

That is only a snippet of the of the lyrics but you get the point. But my question is does a woman really want to man to make her feel like a woman??? Seriously?? Think about it for a long minute. In a modern world where the modern woman is "independent" and proudly proclaiming "I don't need a man" does the modern woman really want a man to make her feel like a woman?

I had this conversation with my cousin, Mookie, last night and he is baffled at the fact that most Black women say they want a good man but they reject the good ones to keep the bad ones! This conversation got me to thinking, what is the responsibility of the woman? Does a black woman really want a man?

I have come to the conclusion that Black women have been shorting themselves....hear me out now. We say we want a good black man but we are not prepared to be that woman that the black man needs. Society has already placed so much pressure on the black man and he needs a woman who will support him not question his manhood. I know many of you are not willing to go here with me, but at least hear me out. The black family has been totally destroyed. Children are growing up without a vital start...having both parents in the home. It is important to have both parents because it creates a structure that gives birth to more structure. But with only one parent it is hard for the child to understand how a family is supposed to be. Girls grow into women who think that they have to be everything and do everything and find it hard to let a man really be a man and be the end of the household. Boys grow into men who have no clue how to be the head and be a man cause they had to example of manhood.

So what do we do? Once we know there is a problem then we must to work to change the family structure. As black women we must begin to look inward and ask ourselves do we know how to be a woman? Not just independently take care of yourself but allow someone to take care of you. This may mean to keep the peace by not questioning your man. Allow him to make the decision and support him even if doesn't work out as well as planned. Take the side seat by being the supporter and helping him shine in all he does. That's being a virtuous woman---making sure your man is the talk of the town cause he has everything all together. There is no simple over night remedy to the issue. It's a deep one that may be causing us our life. So we really gotta stop pointing the finger at our white sisters for "stealing" own men and take a look at what is going on within!

I didn't write this be be popular or cause a uproar...I'm just speaking my mind. Giving my take on the issue. If you disagree, I'm cool with that.

It only takes one to start a revolution....

I Miss Loving Something...

Those were the words my girl recently said to me. We were chatting on yahoo and the conversation turning to our passions. I told her that writing is my passion that I have "lost" since my brother died in '06. I haven't been giving it the attention it deserves. Then she said she loved singing and she said..."I miss loving something." Those words cut straight to my heart.

When was the last time we said and meant, "I love _____!" Not just used the word love to describe our overwhelming feeling of pleasure, but really had to deep connection to those words we released into the atmosphere. When was the last time we did something we loved and didn't even have to tell anyone we loved it, cause it showed in evey fiber of our being! That intense fire was almost tangible to those who were in your presence. You inspired them and you had no clue.

Yeah, loving something is that good!

So find that passion that stirs your heart and love it.

It only takes one to start a revolution.....

Ballin' on a Budget

Unfortunate for us the economic climate in the US is pretty dismal. Folks are losing their jobs and homes throughout the nation. But I refuse to feel ANY anxiety during this downturn. Why? Worry and stress will absolutely add no relief to the situation. Instead I will focus on what I know of a certainty--God's peace. Never underestimate the power of peace. Beginning at peace with a situation goes far beyond a sense of calm and comfort. It is a sense of knowing. Having faith and knowledge that no matter what may rise against you, God has got it all in control. Now don't assume obtaining peace will be a simple task...think twice...most good things are never simple. It takes you to step out of the natural and trying rely on what can't be seen--your faith. I have faith that I will make it...and guess what? I have!

So I don't focus on the negative report, but I do try to make wise choices, thus ballin on a budget! Instead of our usual dine out of Friday night, we cook at home--nice meal depending on the taste of the day--and then grab a watch a movie at home or go midnight bowling! I am horrible at bowling, but that is the fun of it! Or how about getting together with your girls and each one of your bring your favorite homemade dish to share. Instead of spending five dollars plus on lunch--pack one! Life is made up of choices--let's make better ones!

Besides, life's not about the money you spend but the moment you share......

It only takes one to start a revolution, so start today!

You should let me love you....

I love the song by Mario, You Should Let Me Love You. Though the center of the song expresses his desire to untimely love that woman who needs to be rescued from her ill love choice, when I listen to at this moment--it's playing right now on my playlist--I hear so much more. When is the last time I really loved myself? Followed my own desired to be fulfilled? Looked to purge and seek self-healing? Maybe it's the new year. Maybe it's the stress from the job. Maybe it's just my own soul yearning to be heard throughout all the madness surrounding me. I say I am at peace at this moment in my life. Though I may not be in the best position in my life, I refuse to stress myself with should've, could've, would've--I can alter nothing with stress! But maybe I do need to tighten the reigns a bit and truly take care of me.

By no means am I considering being selfish--far from. Society tells us when we choose to focus inward we narrow our view of the big picture--not true. If I am just a mess myself who can I help?? Granted I will never be in a position of perfection, I can still choose to be my best. And as I move further into that process I can then move to help others.

My complexity has be wanting to be in multiple places at one time, which is an impossible feat. So I must choose to lay aside the weight of others and carry my own cross for the moment. It cannot be buried any longer; for I keep making treks back to it and over looking it. I must face it head on now, and love it in its totality for it is all of me.

So I gotta love me. Such a complex task, but thank God I have been equipped to handle it and I don't have to do it alone!

Welcome to 2009!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution....

P.S. Yes 20 days are up! And he did not leave for California....that's a discussion for another post!