Watch Yo Mouth

Sooo they lied. Told us...sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt.

Negative words have a far greater reach and impact than we can even imagine. Think about it. You still remember those ill words thrown at you in middle school. They stung like sharp needles then and still have residue, hence you remember it. Most likely can recall the exact moment they were told to you. Those nasty mean words.

Many of us have formulated our identify from those words. Held strong to those lies and told ourselves that they really didn't bother us. Yet they did. They clung tight. Anchored in and began to root. Though we experienced some smiles, endearing moments, and positivity, those negative words stuck around. Residue floating to the top giving everything a soar taste. Polluting our wells. Once it's in, it's hard to get out.

Now they are the first to leap off the tip of our tongue.  We sling stones and quick jabs before any words are released from anyone's mouth. Get'em before they get me. We justify. Continuing the hurt caused upon us long ago. Far reached. Far traveled. Gossiping. Negative words. Complaining. Judging. Criticizing. The impact heartfelt and carried. Polluting our wells. Once it's in, it's hard to get out.

The cycle. Polluting our wells. Once it's in, it's hard to get out.

Absolutely it does matter what you say. Your words have dunamis power. They bring forth the potential and actual to collide and spark. They beget after their own kind. Yet when we are lacking on the positive, negative comes and eats away at the bit of reserve we have. Anchoring in. Polluting our wells. Once it's in, it's hard to get out.

It impacts all humanity alike. Mothers, fathers, aunts, daughters, brothers, cousins, young, old. We all have carried its sting.  No one person is more susceptible to its spew and impact. We have all done it and been impacted by it. Some words cut deeper than others. Polluting our wells. Once it's in, it's hard to get out.

We gotta do better. Much better. Be anxious for nothing. React in control. Focus on our locus. Change our vocabulary. Speak life. With intent. To deposit seeds to swell forth light. And life.

Recognize our own trauma and pain. Be at resolve with self. Words have sooo much power. Be picky about the ones you use.

What You Think You Know About Love...Unknow that Ish...

I'm bound to turn heads with this one. Nothing new. I welcome the slow head turn side-eye with a slight eye roll. Yep that look. You don't know nothing about Love. Nah you really don't.

It ain't what you think it is. Move beyond those faltering flutters. Get to the core of what you learned of Love. Those images that saturated the white board of your brain--misrepresented in movies. Misunderstood by adults. Told you that we stayed because of Love. No matter what the stay endured. Told you it was Love. Well. That ain't Love. What you thought you knew.

The mere concept of Love permeates beyond words. It's essence is only captured by this mixture of thoughts, actions, emotions and clunky words merged on crowded streets with a sweetness seeping through the rotting meat. It's so strong you question it only to arrive at the determination that it simply can't be what it simply is. Sounds so confusing yet its clarity cuts through the darkest night pouring bright light. Its extraordinary yet humble and meek. It's boundless and immeasurable. Soft yet firm. Tried and Truth.

We struggle to understand and embody Love because it requires us to embrace our humanness with out regard to its form. Meaning we must leave our natural perceptions of self and others to say my conditions are broken. Because it is my conditions are that inhibiting Love.

Conditions equal every separating power from the Truth creating blatant lies to further the impact of negative words. We all have them. We all created them. We all further them. We say we are ready for Love yet our conditions have us purposely breaking the mirror so our reflection can only be seen in distorted slivers. Conveniently the parts that reflect our invalid conditions.We tell ourselves we have arrived to the understanding and capacity of Love only to be the bottle cap when we are truly required to be the bucket. Pure kindness and generosity fortifies the fibers of that bucket. Giving it form to hold yet leverage to overflow, share, create, repeat.

Love yet exists. It starts within. You connecting to self. Being perfect in imperfection. Happy in incompleteness. Full when empty. Satisfied when you can't see. The full picture. Or even the stair. The next step. Kneeling to the Creator God to learn more about you the created in order to further your destiny's greatest gift. Love.

Love never fails. It never ends or fades.
Love endures with patience and serenity.
Love is kind and thoughtful.
It is not jealous or envious.
Love does not brag and it is not proud or arrogant.
It is not rude or self-seeking.
It is not provoked nor overly sensitive and easily angered.
It does not take into account a wrong endured.
It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the Truth.
Love bears all things regardless of what comes.
Believes the best in all things.
Remains steadfast during difficult times.
Endures without weakening.

I have yet arrived at the fullness of Love. And I don't think I ever will. Yet I welcome it. With every mountaintop and valley experience I welcome it. To know it. Feel it. Create it. Marvel in its sight. Linger in its prism of beauty. To say with full conviction I love you without limits.

Speak

Yesterday I spoke. Yesterday it flowed brazen with confidence. Poignant and free. Determined to be heard. Didn't matter who listened. It wanted my attention.

That's the power of it. Truth. Sure it wants to connect to the receiver, like any message does. Yet it merely wants to be spoken. To be heard by you first. Are you listening?

Truth is not predicated on the feelings or actions of others. It will stand regardless. It's really more so about you. You are the receiver. The message is for you. Only heard if you speak.

The hesitation to speak stems from fear. Wanting to hold hostage your pruning. Your healing. Your growth. Your change. Fear knows the power of Truth. Understands how forced silence traps ambition and keeps potential dormant. Locked in space. Unable to move. Unable to be planted. Unable to grow. Root. Sprout seeds. Seeds needed to be carried away by the wind to land in rich ground. Truth has that power when it's spoken. It must be spoken. Speak it to believe it and then believe that which you speak. Your Truth. It is intended to be free. Live open. And the great thing about your Truth, it makes life worth living for.

It's imperative not to confuse your Truth with current rubbish filtrating the airwaves. You're not a garbage can. Stop collecting the trash. It buries Truth. Makes it had to breath. Though Truth never dies, it can be challenging to revive from under the lies. When disconnected from you, your center is misaligned. Stagnant. Rotting in place. Free your Truth. Free you.

Your Truth continuous heals you. Makes room for vulnerability which is necessary for growth.

I spoke my Truth again today. Today it stood open, naked and unashamed. I repeated it a couple of times. Rolled the words on my tongue. The heavy lift felt light as it gained strength from my parted lips. Warmed my heart. Pricked my spirit. My Truth really set me free.

Don't be afraid to speak.
The only person who needs to listen is YOU.

Wait....I Ain't Ready

Dedicated to K--it's okay not to be ready.....keep doing the work to be...

Yesterday I realized, I wasn't ready. Me, not ready?? Seems such an idiotic statement. I am always ready. At least that is what I tell myself. You know the concept. If I say it long enough I will drown out the fear and hesitation in being ready. But truth is, I ain't ready.

 Every professional was once a novice.

Working on this new project brought me to this awareness. He said, "You ain't ready." I piped back, "Yes I am!! I have most of it all written done." Key word--most. 

I ain't ready. 

I am here at this place in space. This moment in the journey and I am not ready. 

My readiness is not from lack. More like mere process. Process is preparation. 

Yesterday I realized that I am okay with not being ready. Be anxious for nothing. For nothing. 

For marriage. For nothing.

For children. For nothing.

For promotion. For nothing.

Be anxious for nothing. Our journey is not in competition. Time is a manmade construction used as manipulation to control what's beyond his limits. All things happen as they should in the given moments they should. 

 It's tough. The getting ready part. No easy button. No elevator. A lot of stairs. Sometimes up, up, down, down, down, up, up, up, up. Building endurance and strength. But it's worth it. The ready.  

Read.

Serve.

Study.

Smile more.

Stay vulnerable. 

Unlearn to learn and grow.

Resist the pressure to settle. 

Listen to understand not to respond.

Speak your truth with passion and peace. 

Be found ready. 

Following a Dream

Today I decided that I wanted to try a new venture. In fact I have a couple of new ventures I want to try. First at bat is my voice. No people, bring it back. I don't wanna sing. I am 38 yrs old. That dream died when I blasted NKOTB from my pink radio on Virginia Street. On the porch that day, I couldn't quite hit the notes. Yeah I knew I was a wrap. I digress. Which I tend to do a lot...back to my voice.

I love my words. The way they appear on white space. Dominating in bold formation. Letters to words to feelings cut by Truth. Creative words. Swirling through pathways rushing in time to arrive at understanding. I really love my words.

And my voice too. I want folks to hear my voice. Hear it utter the words I string together in creation. The tone. The mood surrounded. Its pitch. Pure sound of delight to me. When my voice carries the full weight of my words I shudder in belief. My voice connects those words to the energy and power of Truth and it is then that I hear the ending. It is done. All I have spoken has come to be. Selah.

I want to speak life to you. My human touching your heart. Where the issues of life reside. Let you hear my voice laced with words that kindly deposit vitamin Truth of Love. Real love. Human love. Unbound. Without cause or reason. Just because Love. Knitting smiles back together again. Pushing you to take up your bed and walk. Be healed. Then go spread your healing to other humans with your voice.

The details are being pieced together. I am following the way being paved. Just wait. In a minute you gone hear my voice.

In the lean time, between time, have you abandoned your dream? You know the one I'm talking about. Because dreams never travel alone, you may have only stepped into one part and left the others by the way side. Go get them. They are waiting for you. The great thing about life and dreams, they travel with you. They are still there. You don't have to travel back in time where you laid it down. Just dig. Dig in the inside of you. Uncover. Remove. Dust off. It's there. None of use were created for single use. We're multifaceted greatness. Sure we have aged some yet our dreams are always timely to blossom. It's there. Lay aside those lame broken excuses. It's there. Listen. It's there.

Exposing Shame

I had a vision last night. Of my impending success. I knew it was me. I knew it was real. It was powerful and refreshing and imposing and impactful and powerful. Yep. Powerful. Me powerful. I stood in the Wonder Woman pose with my hands on my hips in a red skirt and a brown shirt and a black and brown stripped blazer. I stood in authority. I said to myself, that's my vision. Then I saw myself standing in a black suit with a yellow belt (I like to be funky professional!!) in the same powerful stance.

I needed that vision.

I am currently not working. The K-5 school I was working in last school year decided not to pursue the renewing of its charter and officially closed its doors the last week of June. Here's the thing. Last school year had to be the 2nd best year of my 16 years of being an educator. I worked with 2 phenomenal leaders--Bosslady and E who expanded my knowledge, added to my toolbox and genuinely made be a better leader and human. Walked into the school year with hope and left with greater faith. In my purpose and my process and my journey.

My heart knows this part of my journey is the necessary building for what is to come. For that vision to manifest. Yet it doesn't stop my emotions from feeling shameful. Several no's start to weigh on my shoulders. Dangle at my feet. Whisper to my insecurities. As I watch the people make their way to their designated spaces with coffee in hand and I take my green tea back home. My feelings are my humanness. Yet I don't live in them. I feel them in the moment they arrive and then fight them in faith. And text convos with Trout. IG laughs. Alexa blasting modern gospel station. Sometimes silent prayers then teary prayers. Book reading. Writing. Sunday 9AM service and lunch dates with Naj. Just to name a few.

And I fight. Like my life depended on it. Because it does. I fight.

I share all this to say, life is complex. Many times we are brought to specific places in our journey by our own actions yet with divine purpose. In those spaces and places we must come face to face with who we are, what we have done, and ultimately be reminded of our Creator's intention of our intricately designed destiny. A destiny that does not come without challenge to best prepare us to sustain the power and greatness of who we truly are.

Your Book of Life is not, and will never be, my Book of Life. Though our chapters might merge or lines might double over. Yet they are uniquely original. Plenty of chapters written. And plenty more to be written. Some longer than others. All chronicling the perfect imperfection we are. 

When we are awake to our dreams, alive in our potential, present in our gratitude, creating forward options, and living in our beloved humanness we literally have no place for self shame. Or guilt. Or negativity that drives any fathomable insecurity that tries to overpower the love and lessons we are walking into each and every day.

Our "but for a moment" is working something far more greater within us and for us. Let's stay the course. We already have within what is necessary to win the already won battle.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid.....

Trust. Trust that this moment will work out for my good. Trust the plan God has delicately and intricately laid before you....potholes, speed bumps, sharp curves and all. Trust that what is within me is sufficient for the journey before me.

I am at this space in my journey trying not to make the time extended. Yet I'm afraid. Of what. I have yet to be failed. Yet to be left without. Even in this moment my needs are being continuously met. Yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will fail in my journey. Not that He will fail me, but that I will fail Him. That I am not meeting this moment with the right fight. That my lack of trust in the moment will delay that which He intended for me to have. I gotta let go of this fear....

In my gut I know this moment what already known. Already seen. Which means I have been prepared for it. All of my journey has brought me to this moment because I am prepared for this moment. My spirit is fighting my fear and I must continue to feed my spirit those things that which will give it strength, courage, and wisdom to trust what has already been given to me.  Trust....I can trust my God is this moment because He provided a way...in every space of the journey.....trust...

Mirror Mirror......Look Who's Pouting About Potential....

Yep. I admit I pout. Not often. But I do. Just today I gave in to frustration and yelled out in a challenging conversation with my Prin-Ci-Pal (No worries--I still my job!) "That's a double standard. I am being asked to do twice the amount of work than everyone else. This is not fair." I was met with the reply, "Let's unpack that statement." I went on to tell how if someone else was given this specific task that I currently have, they would NOT be asked to do the detailed amount of work that I am being asked to produce. What's that about?

I bet someone is reading this thinking the same thing I was, yep. Not cool. But listen to this. "Not everyone is being prepared for your seat." Yeah. That hit me right in the face. Of course my bossy self replied, "I didn't ask you to groom me for that seat." Which was met by, "It's my job to pull it out of you what I see."

I then walked right out the door.

Ugh.

In my office I was HEATED. When my "ear" came through I couldn't wait to vent to him. Like the great listener he is, he let me get it all out and then gave me wait time before he came back to help me process it all. On that return trip he said, "Mac you experience a lot of pressure. But know this, you are going higher. And the higher you go the more you are going to experience in preparing you for where you need to be. It is all necessary. Pressure makes diamonds or it can break. Are you gone be that diamond? You have to decide."

Ugh.

My "ear" is always dropping jewels on me. Giving me what I need even when I ain't trying to receive it. His timing is always impeccable. I truly appreciate his presence in my life.

I sat there. I got it. Of course I knew my Prin-Ci-Pal was right--that's why I walked out!  And my "ear" just added to what I needed to hear. It's impossible for me to speak about potential and not be challenged on my own. I know where I am now is NOT my destination....just a mere stop on the journey. As I transcend on my path, the challenges are greater, yet I have everything within me already to meet success. I gotta go through the process. It is in the process...shaped...sharpen...molded....and it hurts....ain't always pretty...but it's necessary...

Yes that mirror was smack in my face today and I had to see myself. Look right at my potential. Fix my face, adjust my crown.

You know I completed the task, right....and got handed a new project.....

Here I go.....no pouting this time.....

Dying Empty by Forgetting What Has Been

Potential--the unreleased ability. That which is possible. Capable of being but not yet. Dormant ability. Not what is, what could be.

It's a known fact; the richest place on Earth is the cemetery. Many have died with their treasure locked within. Potential unfulfilled.

Tugs at the heart strings. Digs right to the core of one's soul. It gets personal for every being on this planet. Each one of has a place and a part that is undeniably created just for us. Though spaces are akin, they are not alike. Each one is carved out specifically for you. And great news. There is only one you. And no one can do you better than you.

So why are we so full? Why haven't we emptied our cups? Why are we still sitting on our potential? the answers are lengthy yet centered solely around our own memory. Gather this--we can't move forward because we keep remembering the past.

"I can forgive, but I won't forget." Well did you really forgive? And why can't you forget? If the memory of the act is still present then it is holding valuable capacity for newness. We can tackle the forgiveness at a later date, but zone in on the memory. We do need to forget. What was, was. It needs no further space for existence. It had its moment.  Even Paul states, "I do not consider I have attained it all yet, but one thing I do know. Forgetting what lies behind me and reaching forward what lies before me. I press on toward the goal...." (Eph. 3:13-14 paraphrased). And this forgetting is critical to reaching forward.

Past errors should be forgotten. They exist no more. Past wins should be forgotten. They exist no more. All of the past has just become fuel for reaching forward. If you are present in this day, your mere breathe is enough that you need to know of existence to move forward. It is only when you relinquish the past can you recognize that you actually have potential yet to be fulfilled.

Too many of us are burying our talent in the sand yielding nothing. Nada. Zilch. We are wasting in our own space because we refuse to forget. Holding tight to the memories of yesteryear has us full and fat. Telling stories of what you use to be able to do and how well you did it. Lavishing in how well you came out after that challenge 7 yrs back. Just fat and full. Potential over ripe and screaming to be released, but we keep pushing it back down. Back down to the bottom so we can keep telling our stories to ourselves as means of accomplishments and arrival.

Forget about it! Yep you did great things and guess what, you have way more great things to do.

Let it be stated that when you reached your Earthly end, your talents multiplied greatly throughout the world. That your Creator is pleased because all He created you to be, you fulfilled. No potential wasted.

Nothing great simply stopped at its first win or last failure.

**Thank you Pastor Dr. L. Powell for the great word that inspired this post. I heard. Reflected. Shared.**

Everybody Needs a Bono

"Some people build fences to keep people out and other people build fences to keep people in. Rose wants to hold on to you all. She loves you." -Bono, from August Wilson's Fences

Had the viewing pleasure of seeing Denzel Washington's rendition of the famed August Wilson's Fences. I was amazed at how much depth that was able to be captured on film. Most times the live theatrical version can not be matched, yet this one brought so much raw emotion. I saw life's reflection in every character like I was reading the original playbill.

With so many big rocks to takeaway (OMG I am such an educator.....teacher terms...big rocks...takeaways...smh) I find Henderson's Bono the epitome of my heart's song. One can not progress without a Bono. Forget what you heard, no (wo)man is an island. Your journey can never blossom to possibilities without a Bono. Bono is your beyond your bestie. Bono understands s/he may need to walk away for a month of Sundays so as to not taint your healing season. Bono understands you may need to lose to win. Bono is your reflection of fantasy and reality.

I quote Marcus Brutus often..."The eye cannot see itself but by means of reflection" (unfortunate for him he chose the wrong mirror--Cassius..). We are given the privilege of companionship on this journey and must value its responsibility. Even in our silent reflective moments we don't see it all. And our Bono provides us the inside details to push us to our success because s/he desires to see us reach our success just as much so as we do. For in our success is his/her success. Bono said it all, "I done known you seem like damn near my whole life. I been following you... I done learned a whole heap of things about life watching you. I done learned how to tell where the shit lies. How to tell it from the alfalfa. You done learned me a lot of things. You showed me how to not make the same mistakes…to take life as it comes along and keep putting one foot in front of the other."

Bono pushes you to see the truth when you chasing lies. See the you, you so intentionally may be trying to hid.

Defining Time

Our clocks started ticking the moment we were born. It's like a giant hourglass flipped and the sand is running out. Borrowed time. Yet the concept of bounded time is a man-made catastrophe. Folks have created this bounded expectation on when in time things should occur. And unfortuantely we have fallen for it. It guides our choices and makes our decisions for us. Gotta have a degree by 22. A marriage with children by 30. And the list goes on and on of these bounded expectations that usually result in negative pressure. So much that if when we fail to reach these societal bounded norms, we believe we have failed. That something is wrong with us and the time we are given. Oh death to the lies!

You aren't bounded by the concept of time. Stop failing for how others have defined your time. No one can determine how your time should be used. It belongs to you and how it is used is solely your responsibility.

Yes it is a Truth that time stands still for no man. And there's no time like the present. These both simply mean you must use your time in intentional forward motion to reach your preordained victories. These victories are timeless, yet are dependent on your actions in order for them to manifested into your realities. Those great celebrations on your journey will come to you in the moment it is meant to be when you are in the space and capacity to maintain its beautiful fulfillment.

Those extra steps in your journey are meant to add character and value to your experience. The error in (wo)man is to compare one's journey to other's climb. It ain't worth the extra rocks on your road Love.  Choose to define your own time.

Spoiler Alert.....

I had a post all primed in the hopper ready to go...yet this one came while driving. I'm baffled....like really baffled. Like perplexed in thought. I am a firm believer at no point do we have the ability to change folks. Our voice and actions my lead to awareness and inspiration of change, yet we have no physical power to change folks. At no point will you be able to silence in agreement those who may disagree with you. Your truth is well, your truth. If you proclaim it to be so, it is so for you.   

If I choose to believe the opposite of your truth, then so be it. I get it, I get it. In our humanity we find it challenging to accept those who are not willing to stand in what we perceive and believe to be our truth. We must come to acceptance with in our truth that we need no one to valid its existence. Just be in it and take no offense to those who choose not to stand with you. Now this does not give you permission to attack said person for their unbelief; absolutely not. Neither should it anger you when one person decides to blast you for your truth. If and I truly mean if, it is your truth, stand in it. This challenge is the responsibility of carrying your truth. We are all given a battle. We must decide how we will fight. We are not fighting people, we are fighting ideologies that extent beyond our current measurements of time. The challenge should, in theory and practice--hence why challenges are created--affirm your fight in the battle, whichever battle you are divined to be part. 

At the end of it all, I hate to spoil it for you, ignorance is not bliss. Stop getting mad at folks who believe different than you. Stand firm, gain more knowledge and maintain. Maintain your firmness in the fight. Get over yourself. Your truth is greater than you. 

The Beauty in Scars

Long time coming...it has been a year since I blogged or even wrote. It is always a lesson that brings me back to the comfort of letters that form words that roll into meaning...

I fell...or rather was pushed. Landed with hard....got up with scars...in fact I am still healing. Those who know me personally may notice the faded glimmer in my smile...yet that is life. When one denies self for the satisfaction of hope in others--it happens. Smiles fade. Hope floats in the distant. Joy supplants beneath downtrodden paths of good intention....just like the road to hell...

The greatest aspect of falling is the view. From down there all you see is up...if you willing to look up....that's all you see...Getting up is not without its challenges, yet they are easy when you put your weight in the push off and just get up again. While you think most folks are looking at you fall, they are really looking at how you get up. Everyone wants to learn the process. Secretly they have fallen too....they need your inspiration to even look up. Give them hope. Show them possibilities. Blaze the path.

I have physical scars on my hands from my fall. The ones in my heart cut a bit deeper. Yet I'm healing....slow in motion...but it's forward motion....my smile is filling out...I'm grabbing hope daily in my confessions of peace, grace, and growth....

Strange Fruit

How quickly we forget. Less than 50 years ago our brothers were hung from tree branches with proud folks scrambling to be in counted in that number in the picture. How quickly we forget....and want to continue to forget. The impact of yesterday is still readily present. Yet we want to pretend that our entrenched history has dissolved to a pleasant peace. How quickly we forget....

I watched the documentary What happened, Miss Simone? on Netflix. It held my attention for so many reasons, one being Miss Simone's internal conflict. Undoubtably she was deeply troubled with the systematic racism that denied her dream of being a classical pianist. To be great and denied an opportunity because you are black is a heavy burden to bear. How quickly we forget....we are still in this space of denial.We are still be denied the basic right to breathe. No need to turn on the television to see the heighten cases deemed worthy of light by the media, look in your own backyard to see the damage first hand.

So why is there so much fuss about those who are choosing to take their rightful place in this battle? Because nothing is more harmful to the dominant than Truth and Action. It is those on the front like that have the most courage and power to expose Truth by Action. I commend my sisters and brothers who have taken up their rightful place in battle. There are many battles to fight and we are all chosen for a few, but most of us never listen for the call nor take up arms. We flit so through life weary from doing nothing...yet I digress...let me get back...

Yes, we all have a battle to bear. Our greatness is tied to a fight. A fight not even about winning but more about fighting--the battle is not given to the swift, but to s/he that endures. It's about clearing a path for our babies to reach their potential in its fullness. A path to breathe, to live to SEE their dream and then dream a new dream to conquer. We may not see it, yet we fight because we believe in its potential and worth. Sure we all want to live in the fulfillment of the fight but the Truth is many of us will not make it there..that's the nature of the fight. Because the fight is so tangled in the principalities of unrighteousness it is not that easy. We will fight all our black and brown lives. We have to come to that realization if we are ever going to take our rightful place in our chosen battle.

I'm empowered by Miss Simone's fight. She knew her chosen battle and fought in it with power and grace. It wasn't a pretty fight, yet she advanced the cause. Her voice rang our Mississippi Goddam with spicy inflictions for the world to hear. She did something few dared--she joined her chosen battle with no half-step.

When--when are YOU going to join your fight. Stop pointing fingers at those doing what they are supposed to do and join your battle.

Return of the Mack

It has been over 2 yrs since I last wrote a blog. Yet in my absence I waited patiently for the muse to return. And it has through the ambitious goal I set for my self--read a new book every 2 weeks. I started on a Monday evening and finished by Saturday, technically less than a week. BUT when I finished it hit me--how am I going to leisurely read AND to graduate work all while holding it done as a fab educator?? I definitely didn't think that goal through--totally threw it out there on a whim! But I'm here--one book down, several reads to go.

In my attempt to share I will do a little sumthin sumthin. But remember I'm rusty--I work, but not as effectively...yet. Gotta get oiled up.....don't expect fantastic...lower the expectations please...just a little.....

Read #1 The Beautiful Struggle by Te-Nehisi Coates

We can't determine the family we are born into. No matter how much we try to deny it--we are our family. We are the mix of all things we love and hate about our family. Some characteristics are purely nature---lips, nose, attitude, smile--others are nurture---values, beliefs, morals, food preferences. But what is unmistakably, you are your family. Even if you haven't had the opportunity to know your family, you are your family.

While we are young, we fall in love with all things family because we have not developed a filter to judge them by. Our dad is stronger than all the other dads even in his weakness; our mom cooks the best food even if it is a little bland--how would you know the differencw. Yet as we age we begin to see a reality that may or may not be truth. But it is the reality we tend to hold on to--we have THE worst family in the world, this can't be normal....our thoughts go on and on. And we find ourselves wishing we had been born to another family.

As we mature we find a place within that speaks truth to our souls. I would love to believe that we all have arrived at this place, but it is not reality. Truth states this arrival is possible, yet we only focus on reality because we can's see truth.

What's the place? It's no specific location or time parameter, yet it exists. There's no direct path, yet there's a journey. No one road takes you there, but you will know you are there when you arrive. And arriving means knowing it was not a specific place at all.

In the end, you gotta find space to love people where they are. Whatever place they are located in their journey, you must love them there. Our family was never intended to be perfect, but through our experience of them we must learn to love and just be. Now don't take this as a license to lean heavy left as if nothing matters; not at all. Take it as encouragement.

I encourage you to release, to love, to search, to find, to just be. Be. The journey starts within you.

The Beautiful Struggle reminded me that my struggle is uniquely me. And I have the power to create its beauty however I desire.

Why We Are Angry

It's July. I said that I would rededicate myself to blogging and that fell through. Yep it bite the dust major. 

I write now, not to make promises, but to simply share. This one is for my cousin Sally, who tells me she loves the way I write.

I promised myself that I would not get caught up in the circus of social media this weekend. Given the heartache surrounding the Zimmerman verdict I gracefully bowed out. Stop talking about it. Just chose to reflect. Reflect on my commitment to truth and to God.....until....I read a FB post by a former student of mines .....

"The black community is outraged over Trayvon Martin being killed but remains eerily silent when thousands of other young blacks are killed each year. The only difference being the race of the gunman. ..."

Yep it stirred me to the bone. All my professional adult career I have dedicated myself to being more. More than just an English/Literature teacher. It has been my desire to produce a desire in my students to not accept the general as evidence of truth. So here I sit reading the exact opposite....interesting.....
and other former students like the status....is my work in vain?

Being the ONLY Black teacher in a high majority non diversified space was rough all 10 years. Yes I said 10 years. To say white privilege rested, ruled and nested within was an understatement. Seeing this post reminded me of my struggle to lead during those 10 years. I tried so hard to maintain my value while empowering my students with a desire to meet their unspoken potential. I faced so many silent racist incidents. So many. I spoke when urged, yet walked with head held high throughout the entire time. I knew folks were looking at more than my classroom praxis, yet I understood my assignment was just that; an assignment--an appointed position. Time sensitive and results bound.

But let me come back the point. It is ill advised to make a gross generalization. We tend to make emotional statements to pass as truth when we logically have no answer. Understandable. Yet unacceptable. At no point and time should be devalue the emotions of others. These judgements come from negative spaces. Spaces chosen to be occupied with privileged ideology instead of researched truth. It happens to the best of us, it really does. We all hold some thoughts above the truth out of fear of knowing the power of the truth. However those ideologies become dangerous when we begin to substitute those misconceptions for the truth. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry. 

Because we have been denied the power of truth by those who understand its potential expose and explode power. We have been told so many lies about our identity, our ancestry, our capabilities that those have taken the appearance of truth. Every injustice reminds us that the lies are prevalent and still believed. Trayvon Marton is unfortunately one of many of the pieces of our broken heart in the 21st century.....Darius Simmons, Jordan Russell Davis, James Craig Edison, Sean Bell, Amadou Diallo, and the list can go on and go. Unarmed. All unarmed. 

Justice for People of Color has never been blind. 

And that is why we are angry. Angry that another high profile case has proven to the world that we are just as dispensable as we were during the slave trade. That injustice and inequalities are the norm. That we must teach our children how to navigate the world that has been handed to them--how to "not" look suspicious when walking home, how to react when you are followed in a store, or people of a different race cross the street just because you are walking toward them, how they are not at-risk but at-potential, how they have wealth within their bellies no matter what the statistics say and so much more. And that is just the beginning. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry.

Many have been yelling from the rooftops with great actions of change following, yet media only chooses to focus on the deficit not the wealth. Why? Because the deficit continues the lie. If you continue to feed the stray it comes back. The media feeds bullsh*t and the nation has become gluttonous. Just because you sit and watch while many do doesn't mean there are not actions happening. Wake up. don't be that ignorant. Go to the place where the noise is taking place if you would like to hear. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry.

Because we are continually seen as the "wretched of the earth" and you believe it. 

Because as a nation we refuse to talk about race, racial issues have abounded the more. My heart hurts at the core. When we dismiss the human factor we deny the truth to be evident. I'm sick that we have gotten to a place where it is acceptable to criticize on the sidelines and walk home and spread those lies creating a web large enough to engulf us all. 

I find it hard to say, that everything is alright

Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright

Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses

But what you fail to see, is all the consequences

You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted

As history repeats, so foul you can taste it

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it

Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man

Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel

While today is still today, choose well

And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way

Choose well, choose well, choose well...

...choose well, choose well, choose well

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel

Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel

Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...

Wake up and rebel

We must destroy in order to rebuild

Wake up, you might as well

Oh are you... oh are you satisfied

Oh are you satisfied

Rebel... ohhh rebel

Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?

Why don't you rebel?

Lauryn Hill "I Find it Hard to Say (Rebel)"

TV Makes It Look Easy

Wooooo I haven't done this in a while. Where have I been?

I don't know. Maybe I can explore that answer at some other time. Maybe.

In my efforts to avoid work on this 3 day weekend I found myself watching NBC's The Voice. Considering I don't have cable, my options are limited. During a commercial break I actually paid attention. I'm not sure what automtovie company it was, but they sampled Bob Marley's Three Little Birds (Don't Worry). As the chorus ran the couple driving the car literally did not worry about any obstacle that came their way. I mean not one.

Right there I thought, when am I going to live like that? No worries, no fear. Just live.

My heart pounds when a new situation arises and for about 30 minutes I'm stunned.

I don't believe I have reaching living. True living.

Does anyone ever reach living? 

We speak of its glory, marvel at its shine, and envy its portrayal of ease. Yet we watch from afar.

But maybe it is that easy. Maybe we have been so captivated from afar that we are missing its simplicity. Maybe the secret to its success lies within our reach. But where? Why is it is easy to allude?

Don't fool yourself and say you are living. Honesty goes far when one truly searches the mirror. That statement has only been reserved by a few, though it is attainable by all.

Maybe we just don't really know what living truly means. We think we know its appearance, but when we replicate it looks fake. Contrived. Overworked. Lacking. Dull.

I don't know how to live. Yet. But I wanna learn.

I wanna live. Really truly live. As easy as they do on TV. We've mastered so much in this world, yet we still don't know how to live.

A Resolve or Determination (Resolution)

It is upon us! You know...that time of year when you place all bets on win. Cast the year's shrug and all doubts to the wind. Dig your sneakers out of the closet and plop that swipe on the gym rep's desk; I'll take the year's deal which I will come out of the gate in full blast until it's time to round the corner when I will full on STOP.

Com'on we all do it! Make those statements we don't live up to, though we have full intentions to do so. Lauryn said it best...the road to Hell is paved with good intentions...

Harsh.

Yeah it is. Made myself pause on that one. I've had good intentions create some hell in my life! Definitely not shamed to admit fault. Bad choices.

MEGA ASIDE: It's odd how I can't keep a promise to myself, yet I will go beyond to keep a bond to others...ummm. Do I value others more than self? 

I'm not quite sure how to answer that question....

But I do know now is the time to reflect upon its presence and other choices in my life. Reflection and resolve.

Resolve to end any backwards motion from years past. Forward motion only. Reflect. Ponder. Laugh. Even cry if necessary. Tears flush out deep pain. We all should do it. Silent tears. Tears of joy. Even angry tears. 

So I enter into 2013 grateful. Grateful for mere breathe. Lord knows I've lost the halo long long ago.  I don't make promises I don't plan to keep no matter how good my intends may be.

Not all resolutions end this way. Broken. Unkempt.

Somewhere they lost their determination to see the continued progression; true resolve has no endpoint. Growth just continues. You gain something along the way that you desire to hold on to and habit is shaping into lifestyle.

My lifestyle consists of consistent change. I heard a great man say, If you don't change you don't grow and if you don't grow you die. Reflect. Change. Determine to live.

So maybe before we dedicate wasted time and effort to half-hearted determination, maybe we should reflect on that last curve. Who or what halted progression?

From Fan to Follower

I love talking to B. We share this magnetic energy that defies location and time. A semi alternate universe where we commence with God in the middle and reality swirling around. 

We have the most amazing ideas that are birthed through two hour conversations. Intimate conversations. We share with no inhibitions. Words form and flow like cool water on a summer day. Sunny words, bright words, truthful words. Topics ranging from love lost to theology to community to politics to mothers to sisters and back again. 

And it is out of these conversations a follower was born.

One must at some point wave the white flag of surrender and let go. Release fear and excuse. And walk swiftly into that gentle place where desire and passion wait for each dreamer. 

Though Langston explored a dream deferred, I desire to explore a dream capitalized and awakened to reality showing the world the fruit of its labor.

Delete

Recently I did something I have never done; deleted contacts out of my phone. For some reason I have convinced myself all of the 294 contacts in my phone really have some poignant value in my life.

It was weird; almost as if the act was some death-defying stunt. I picked up the phone...held it in my shaking hand, scrolled to the first name, pulled up the menu and then locked eyes with the delete button. It started back like an old school playground bully....I wish you would make any sudden move. At first I complied. Quickly tossed the phone on the bed and walked to the kitchen. Yeah this was going to be major.

JW (pronounced JayDUB) is one of the best things to have happened to my teaching career. We've bonded over planning and grading. Laughed over my oddities and his peculiarities. We make a dynamic teaching team. He was the motivation for the deletion. His minimalistic lifestyle is much admired. Spurred by his love of traveling, he only has in his life what he needs. Even his attitude is carefree, not to be confused with careless; his heart can soften the hardest stone. Not that I desire to be like him; I desire to partake in life. Too often I am cluttered with unnecessary burdens. Picking up nick-knacks that sit in corners covered in layers of dust in less then a month.

If it adds no value to my journey it must go.

Delete one. Tiffany zero. The connection to these contacts was deep rooted in a juvenile discomfort of self. I never really had many friends. However, forward progression, at this point, can't be hampered by past nonsense. We all must, pardon the bluntness--grow the eff up. Let it go. You ten years ago does not have to be you now. NOW...new operations without worry.

I grabbed the phone and got throwback busy. If I hadn't talked to the contact since my move, delete.

At the end of my adventure, I whittled down the 294 to 113. And as I type, 17 more found their way to the deletion button.

96 remain...96...family, friends, business contacts. Value, meaning, worth.

Though I am far from JW's level of clarity, I am one step closer to better than I was yesterday.