Strange Fruit

How quickly we forget. Less than 50 years ago our brothers were hung from tree branches with proud folks scrambling to be in counted in that number in the picture. How quickly we forget....and want to continue to forget. The impact of yesterday is still readily present. Yet we want to pretend that our entrenched history has dissolved to a pleasant peace. How quickly we forget....

I watched the documentary What happened, Miss Simone? on Netflix. It held my attention for so many reasons, one being Miss Simone's internal conflict. Undoubtably she was deeply troubled with the systematic racism that denied her dream of being a classical pianist. To be great and denied an opportunity because you are black is a heavy burden to bear. How quickly we forget....we are still in this space of denial.We are still be denied the basic right to breathe. No need to turn on the television to see the heighten cases deemed worthy of light by the media, look in your own backyard to see the damage first hand.

So why is there so much fuss about those who are choosing to take their rightful place in this battle? Because nothing is more harmful to the dominant than Truth and Action. It is those on the front like that have the most courage and power to expose Truth by Action. I commend my sisters and brothers who have taken up their rightful place in battle. There are many battles to fight and we are all chosen for a few, but most of us never listen for the call nor take up arms. We flit so through life weary from doing nothing...yet I digress...let me get back...

Yes, we all have a battle to bear. Our greatness is tied to a fight. A fight not even about winning but more about fighting--the battle is not given to the swift, but to s/he that endures. It's about clearing a path for our babies to reach their potential in its fullness. A path to breathe, to live to SEE their dream and then dream a new dream to conquer. We may not see it, yet we fight because we believe in its potential and worth. Sure we all want to live in the fulfillment of the fight but the Truth is many of us will not make it there..that's the nature of the fight. Because the fight is so tangled in the principalities of unrighteousness it is not that easy. We will fight all our black and brown lives. We have to come to that realization if we are ever going to take our rightful place in our chosen battle.

I'm empowered by Miss Simone's fight. She knew her chosen battle and fought in it with power and grace. It wasn't a pretty fight, yet she advanced the cause. Her voice rang our Mississippi Goddam with spicy inflictions for the world to hear. She did something few dared--she joined her chosen battle with no half-step.

When--when are YOU going to join your fight. Stop pointing fingers at those doing what they are supposed to do and join your battle.

Return of the Mack

It has been over 2 yrs since I last wrote a blog. Yet in my absence I waited patiently for the muse to return. And it has through the ambitious goal I set for my self--read a new book every 2 weeks. I started on a Monday evening and finished by Saturday, technically less than a week. BUT when I finished it hit me--how am I going to leisurely read AND to graduate work all while holding it done as a fab educator?? I definitely didn't think that goal through--totally threw it out there on a whim! But I'm here--one book down, several reads to go.

In my attempt to share I will do a little sumthin sumthin. But remember I'm rusty--I work, but not as effectively...yet. Gotta get oiled up.....don't expect fantastic...lower the expectations please...just a little.....

Read #1 The Beautiful Struggle by Te-Nehisi Coates

We can't determine the family we are born into. No matter how much we try to deny it--we are our family. We are the mix of all things we love and hate about our family. Some characteristics are purely nature---lips, nose, attitude, smile--others are nurture---values, beliefs, morals, food preferences. But what is unmistakably, you are your family. Even if you haven't had the opportunity to know your family, you are your family.

While we are young, we fall in love with all things family because we have not developed a filter to judge them by. Our dad is stronger than all the other dads even in his weakness; our mom cooks the best food even if it is a little bland--how would you know the differencw. Yet as we age we begin to see a reality that may or may not be truth. But it is the reality we tend to hold on to--we have THE worst family in the world, this can't be normal....our thoughts go on and on. And we find ourselves wishing we had been born to another family.

As we mature we find a place within that speaks truth to our souls. I would love to believe that we all have arrived at this place, but it is not reality. Truth states this arrival is possible, yet we only focus on reality because we can's see truth.

What's the place? It's no specific location or time parameter, yet it exists. There's no direct path, yet there's a journey. No one road takes you there, but you will know you are there when you arrive. And arriving means knowing it was not a specific place at all.

In the end, you gotta find space to love people where they are. Whatever place they are located in their journey, you must love them there. Our family was never intended to be perfect, but through our experience of them we must learn to love and just be. Now don't take this as a license to lean heavy left as if nothing matters; not at all. Take it as encouragement.

I encourage you to release, to love, to search, to find, to just be. Be. The journey starts within you.

The Beautiful Struggle reminded me that my struggle is uniquely me. And I have the power to create its beauty however I desire.

Why We Are Angry

It's July. I said that I would rededicate myself to blogging and that fell through. Yep it bite the dust major. 

I write now, not to make promises, but to simply share. This one is for my cousin Sally, who tells me she loves the way I write.

I promised myself that I would not get caught up in the circus of social media this weekend. Given the heartache surrounding the Zimmerman verdict I gracefully bowed out. Stop talking about it. Just chose to reflect. Reflect on my commitment to truth and to God.....until....I read a FB post by a former student of mines .....

"The black community is outraged over Trayvon Martin being killed but remains eerily silent when thousands of other young blacks are killed each year. The only difference being the race of the gunman. ..."

Yep it stirred me to the bone. All my professional adult career I have dedicated myself to being more. More than just an English/Literature teacher. It has been my desire to produce a desire in my students to not accept the general as evidence of truth. So here I sit reading the exact opposite....interesting.....
and other former students like the status....is my work in vain?

Being the ONLY Black teacher in a high majority non diversified space was rough all 10 years. Yes I said 10 years. To say white privilege rested, ruled and nested within was an understatement. Seeing this post reminded me of my struggle to lead during those 10 years. I tried so hard to maintain my value while empowering my students with a desire to meet their unspoken potential. I faced so many silent racist incidents. So many. I spoke when urged, yet walked with head held high throughout the entire time. I knew folks were looking at more than my classroom praxis, yet I understood my assignment was just that; an assignment--an appointed position. Time sensitive and results bound.

But let me come back the point. It is ill advised to make a gross generalization. We tend to make emotional statements to pass as truth when we logically have no answer. Understandable. Yet unacceptable. At no point and time should be devalue the emotions of others. These judgements come from negative spaces. Spaces chosen to be occupied with privileged ideology instead of researched truth. It happens to the best of us, it really does. We all hold some thoughts above the truth out of fear of knowing the power of the truth. However those ideologies become dangerous when we begin to substitute those misconceptions for the truth. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry. 

Because we have been denied the power of truth by those who understand its potential expose and explode power. We have been told so many lies about our identity, our ancestry, our capabilities that those have taken the appearance of truth. Every injustice reminds us that the lies are prevalent and still believed. Trayvon Marton is unfortunately one of many of the pieces of our broken heart in the 21st century.....Darius Simmons, Jordan Russell Davis, James Craig Edison, Sean Bell, Amadou Diallo, and the list can go on and go. Unarmed. All unarmed. 

Justice for People of Color has never been blind. 

And that is why we are angry. Angry that another high profile case has proven to the world that we are just as dispensable as we were during the slave trade. That injustice and inequalities are the norm. That we must teach our children how to navigate the world that has been handed to them--how to "not" look suspicious when walking home, how to react when you are followed in a store, or people of a different race cross the street just because you are walking toward them, how they are not at-risk but at-potential, how they have wealth within their bellies no matter what the statistics say and so much more. And that is just the beginning. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry.

Many have been yelling from the rooftops with great actions of change following, yet media only chooses to focus on the deficit not the wealth. Why? Because the deficit continues the lie. If you continue to feed the stray it comes back. The media feeds bullsh*t and the nation has become gluttonous. Just because you sit and watch while many do doesn't mean there are not actions happening. Wake up. don't be that ignorant. Go to the place where the noise is taking place if you would like to hear. 

And this is why the Black Community is angry.

Because we are continually seen as the "wretched of the earth" and you believe it. 

Because as a nation we refuse to talk about race, racial issues have abounded the more. My heart hurts at the core. When we dismiss the human factor we deny the truth to be evident. I'm sick that we have gotten to a place where it is acceptable to criticize on the sidelines and walk home and spread those lies creating a web large enough to engulf us all. 

I find it hard to say, that everything is alright

Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright

Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses

But what you fail to see, is all the consequences

You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted

As history repeats, so foul you can taste it

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it

Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man

Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel

While today is still today, choose well

And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way

Choose well, choose well, choose well...

...choose well, choose well, choose well

And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it

Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say

Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel

Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel

Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...

Wake up and rebel

We must destroy in order to rebuild

Wake up, you might as well

Oh are you... oh are you satisfied

Oh are you satisfied

Rebel... ohhh rebel

Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?

Why don't you rebel?

Lauryn Hill "I Find it Hard to Say (Rebel)"

TV Makes It Look Easy

Wooooo I haven't done this in a while. Where have I been?

I don't know. Maybe I can explore that answer at some other time. Maybe.

In my efforts to avoid work on this 3 day weekend I found myself watching NBC's The Voice. Considering I don't have cable, my options are limited. During a commercial break I actually paid attention. I'm not sure what automtovie company it was, but they sampled Bob Marley's Three Little Birds (Don't Worry). As the chorus ran the couple driving the car literally did not worry about any obstacle that came their way. I mean not one.

Right there I thought, when am I going to live like that? No worries, no fear. Just live.

My heart pounds when a new situation arises and for about 30 minutes I'm stunned.

I don't believe I have reaching living. True living.

Does anyone ever reach living? 

We speak of its glory, marvel at its shine, and envy its portrayal of ease. Yet we watch from afar.

But maybe it is that easy. Maybe we have been so captivated from afar that we are missing its simplicity. Maybe the secret to its success lies within our reach. But where? Why is it is easy to allude?

Don't fool yourself and say you are living. Honesty goes far when one truly searches the mirror. That statement has only been reserved by a few, though it is attainable by all.

Maybe we just don't really know what living truly means. We think we know its appearance, but when we replicate it looks fake. Contrived. Overworked. Lacking. Dull.

I don't know how to live. Yet. But I wanna learn.

I wanna live. Really truly live. As easy as they do on TV. We've mastered so much in this world, yet we still don't know how to live.

A Resolve or Determination (Resolution)

It is upon us! You know...that time of year when you place all bets on win. Cast the year's shrug and all doubts to the wind. Dig your sneakers out of the closet and plop that swipe on the gym rep's desk; I'll take the year's deal which I will come out of the gate in full blast until it's time to round the corner when I will full on STOP.

Com'on we all do it! Make those statements we don't live up to, though we have full intentions to do so. Lauryn said it best...the road to Hell is paved with good intentions...

Harsh.

Yeah it is. Made myself pause on that one. I've had good intentions create some hell in my life! Definitely not shamed to admit fault. Bad choices.

MEGA ASIDE: It's odd how I can't keep a promise to myself, yet I will go beyond to keep a bond to others...ummm. Do I value others more than self? 

I'm not quite sure how to answer that question....

But I do know now is the time to reflect upon its presence and other choices in my life. Reflection and resolve.

Resolve to end any backwards motion from years past. Forward motion only. Reflect. Ponder. Laugh. Even cry if necessary. Tears flush out deep pain. We all should do it. Silent tears. Tears of joy. Even angry tears. 

So I enter into 2013 grateful. Grateful for mere breathe. Lord knows I've lost the halo long long ago.  I don't make promises I don't plan to keep no matter how good my intends may be.

Not all resolutions end this way. Broken. Unkempt.

Somewhere they lost their determination to see the continued progression; true resolve has no endpoint. Growth just continues. You gain something along the way that you desire to hold on to and habit is shaping into lifestyle.

My lifestyle consists of consistent change. I heard a great man say, If you don't change you don't grow and if you don't grow you die. Reflect. Change. Determine to live.

So maybe before we dedicate wasted time and effort to half-hearted determination, maybe we should reflect on that last curve. Who or what halted progression?

From Fan to Follower

I love talking to B. We share this magnetic energy that defies location and time. A semi alternate universe where we commence with God in the middle and reality swirling around. 

We have the most amazing ideas that are birthed through two hour conversations. Intimate conversations. We share with no inhibitions. Words form and flow like cool water on a summer day. Sunny words, bright words, truthful words. Topics ranging from love lost to theology to community to politics to mothers to sisters and back again. 

And it is out of these conversations a follower was born.

One must at some point wave the white flag of surrender and let go. Release fear and excuse. And walk swiftly into that gentle place where desire and passion wait for each dreamer. 

Though Langston explored a dream deferred, I desire to explore a dream capitalized and awakened to reality showing the world the fruit of its labor.

Delete

Recently I did something I have never done; deleted contacts out of my phone. For some reason I have convinced myself all of the 294 contacts in my phone really have some poignant value in my life.

It was weird; almost as if the act was some death-defying stunt. I picked up the phone...held it in my shaking hand, scrolled to the first name, pulled up the menu and then locked eyes with the delete button. It started back like an old school playground bully....I wish you would make any sudden move. At first I complied. Quickly tossed the phone on the bed and walked to the kitchen. Yeah this was going to be major.

JW (pronounced JayDUB) is one of the best things to have happened to my teaching career. We've bonded over planning and grading. Laughed over my oddities and his peculiarities. We make a dynamic teaching team. He was the motivation for the deletion. His minimalistic lifestyle is much admired. Spurred by his love of traveling, he only has in his life what he needs. Even his attitude is carefree, not to be confused with careless; his heart can soften the hardest stone. Not that I desire to be like him; I desire to partake in life. Too often I am cluttered with unnecessary burdens. Picking up nick-knacks that sit in corners covered in layers of dust in less then a month.

If it adds no value to my journey it must go.

Delete one. Tiffany zero. The connection to these contacts was deep rooted in a juvenile discomfort of self. I never really had many friends. However, forward progression, at this point, can't be hampered by past nonsense. We all must, pardon the bluntness--grow the eff up. Let it go. You ten years ago does not have to be you now. NOW...new operations without worry.

I grabbed the phone and got throwback busy. If I hadn't talked to the contact since my move, delete.

At the end of my adventure, I whittled down the 294 to 113. And as I type, 17 more found their way to the deletion button.

96 remain...96...family, friends, business contacts. Value, meaning, worth.

Though I am far from JW's level of clarity, I am one step closer to better than I was yesterday.

Tainted Fruit

The current drive has been an interesting ride, to say the least. Already leery of the journey, I came into it kicking and screaming. Why? My proceeding words may shock many; my bark is much louder than my bite. I have this invisible and offend unrealistic expectation for all children to behave like angels with an allowable mishap every now and then. My behavior management plan sucks, quite frankly and it is duly noted since teaching year one! One would think by now, I have perfected a system, well, I sort of have; teach adults! Yep the classic avoidance mechanism and it worked well for me, until I landed in front of 80 sixth graders; what's a teacher to do?

I did what many of us do; allow our insecurities to proceed with more control and power than what they are worth.

So what do I do now? STOP EATING THE DAMN FRUIT!

Contrary to popular belief it is as easy to do as it is said.  I realize something is in this ride for me much more than what my original intentions and to get to that more I just gotta stop. Stop complaining. Stop crying. Stop relying on my own plans and trust in the creation.

I am by no means promoting easily living; life is and will always be complex and often complicated, however some things I can live without.

Determined to enjoy this ride, I am ready to teach sixth grade. I take full ownership of any shortcomings my students and I have experienced in our short time together and press the rest button. Success is abound and waiting on our arrival.

The Forgotten

It has been too long since I have moved these fingers across this keyboard for the pure purpose of my own desire. I had forgotten myself. Somewhere between transitioning to Newark and teaching sixth grade I fell. Yep I fell. Into one of those Alice in Wonderland type holes--you know the ones when you wake weeks later and somehow catch a quick glimpse of yourself in slight moment when an exact ray shines your unrecognizable reflection before you. Yep one of those types of holes. 

The best part of falling which honestly most overlook, is the getting back up. The process of moving in the upward motion causes one to notice every single motion involved in the act. Whether it slowing placing palms down and pushing up or arching one's back to straighten for necessary support or firmly rising to one's knees; the fact is you feel it all. And again seldom do we appreciate it. Not me. Not this time. This time, I felt every fiber of my being rise and get up. It was the best moment of falling that I have ever had. 

Being wrapped up in this move was one cause of the fall. To say this move has been easy would be a lie. It's challenges were more difficult because I had become exactly what I was not meant to be--comfortable. We, none of us, were not meant to become complacent in action. I had a great job for 10 years--no need to move, or so I thought because all that I needed had been provided for there. Yet there is a such place ever the land refuses to give back because it has been overworked. Sure it will give you what it has been giving you, but that doesn't mean it has reached it's best yield.

I did what I did well, but there was more and here I am dealing with the fact that my good wasn't good enough because there was always more for me. That's hard! To accept you are the reason for the difficulty. You are you own stumbling block. It was you all along. Falling helped to see. See there is really no such thing as lose--losing means gaining more. Knowing these things helped me to get up from the fall. Quite odd, isn't it? The move made me fall and helped me to get up.

So here I am teaching sixth grade in Newark (I survived my first Hurricane! Maybe I will write about it) and having a revelation about life. My life. My dream. My desire. My love. My passion. My spirit. Myself. And honestly I can say that I am learning to love the struggle. It is in the struggle that I am being made in the human being God desires me to be. I had forgotten that I have the ability to create my outcomes. Because I know what the end can be, I must make the moment right now for the end to come into existence. 

I'm determined to make this moment. My poignant this is so vast it encompasses enough to never be forgotten.

Between Here and There

Hello all! I know, I know. I have been M.I.A. for quite some time now. I wish it was as a result of  some intensive adventure that required me to perform a MacGyver move with a paperclip and a rubber band. For those of you post 80's babies, Google him! But so much has happened since we last communed. . .

1. Moved out east
2. Joined Teach For America
3. Paid $12 numerous times to drive through the Holland Tunnel
4. Sat in NYC traffic for almost 3 hours
5. Gave one of the speeches at the TFA NYC Institute Closing Ceremony
6. Started MP (the new school I'm teaching at) 

 And the list could go on and on with the good and the challenge mixed in. My goal is to share my world--specifically my summer journey, but as I sit here at midnight unable to sleep digress to more pressing matters. Summer is ending and I am loving living here. I don't miss home, though sometimes the comforts of home are greatly desired--I am using every moment to build my own home here in Jersey. I would love to stay here for some time. And am learning how to make the community my own.

But at this very moment at I am here and rather be there. Not home per se, but there. A place in my mind that seems to be defying existence. I want to be there. The aura of there longs for my mire presence. It's special, cozy in design, labored in creation; a space for me. Where my thoughts are regarded with value and graced with truth. My voice speaks with a soft spoken authoritative melody. Lulling the passer-by to yet hold tight to his dreams while reclaiming his value in life.

I see there. A place where the focus of the circle is me....as I give out every part of me it is return with fervent passionate smiles, willing hearts, and open hands....

I never cease to steal a moment to myself to envision there. And each time it out grows its original place...it becomes more elaborate in simplistic peace---I don't need the gigantic luxury. I just need room in there to move and grow as I please.

There is never disappointing and its always arrives at the right time....maybe I will encounter there sooner than what I expect. Maybe it will make a transition from a space in my mind to a place within my lifetime....but for now I will keep moving forward in here...  

Race Matters

I am bound to upset some with my words within this post, but it is to be expected. I can not apologize for my perception of truth nor will remain silent. I fully understand that the court of man has no judgment on my final destination so I aim to please no one. I stand in agreement that we all have the right to disagree on certain matters.


So I say with full conviction in my voice, race matters.  Living in one of the greatest nation in the world, race matters. This is not a new conclusion in my heart; I have know this fact all my life. Someone somewhere everyday reminds me I am Black. This fact I can't escape or forget and frankly I desire not to. I love the skin I am in and the culture and connection that comes along with its identity. The shades of Black are truly beautiful in my eyes. I see who I am in a positive illuminating light of confidence and intelligence. I am in no way deny the beauty of my Black. What has been deemed a curse is a blessing I carry with pride.


So the question becomes why does race matter? That answer comes with several complexities which stem from a painful past entrenched in harsh divisions squarely based on race. No science. No first had experience. Just assumptions. The assumptions that the lighter your skin the better. 


Unfortunately these assumptions have not changed. 2012 has brought us new methods of blurring the disdain for those of a different shade, yet it is mainstream and acceptable. We just call it by different names--boundaries, funding, standardized tests, employment policies. Media has furthered the assumptions with  negative words only shown in darker skin tone. In turn the common man digests this mis-information as the norm. They connect destruction with race and call it culture, specifically culture of those of darker skin tones. And thus the cycle of corrupt thoughts continues. 


One wants to believe the cycle will end, yet it takes more than belief. It takes maturity and action. Maturity to recognize the issue does exist and action to make strides to make it happen less.  


Wake-up, we have NOT arrived into the dream...

Unexpected Places

It is in the unexpected that we learn the most. Yesterday was a true testiment to that statement. I decided to treat my nephews Buddy and NeNe to a movie after we did some shopping (of course they bugged me to buy these little cheap expensive toys that broke the moment we got home). Not wanted them to fall asleep on me during a movie--they are little dudes--6 and 4 yrs old, I opted with MIB 3 versus 2 hr 20 min long Avengers movie though the wanted to see the Hulk and Ironman. Once at the theater popcorn and lemonade quickly got their mind off and the Avengers and we settled in to watch Will Smith do his thing.

Now I have to admit, I am def not a 100% Will Smith fan. Sure I know all the words to Summer Time, and the intro to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and I may have even walked the first MIB right along with the rest of you, but as a grown woman he's not necessarily my cup of tea. But hey, I was with my boys so it didn't matter.

The movie had it's share of laughs, I mean real laugh out loud. But one line by a character named Griffin hit me center mass. Griffin is an alien who is able to see all possible futures. While trying to help the agents save the world he states, the bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie. I was stunned. Stunned. Who would expect such weighted words! But they stuck to me. Hit my heart quicker than a break-up. I quickly grabbed my cell and made a note of it and have been thinking of those worlds since. 

I have heard some of the sweetest lies that dripped honey from the liar's tongue and drizzle syrupy sticky down my ear. Made me smile from ear to ear it did. Forget all notions of truth. Bury all inhibitions of truth six feet down. Deny that urge in my gut with justification. Yes I knew it was a lie. We know a lie at the moment it is told yet we love a lie at the moment it is told. In the long run maybe not so much, but in the temporal, we believe the lie because we desperately want to see the hope survive. Hope to see the good we desire for all to come to past. 

But those sweet lies only bring an end to great lives. We must learn to accept the truth no matter how bitter the pill may be to swallow. The crazy thing about the truth is that it must prevail in order for greatness to exist. I won't spoil the movie, but had the agents not listened to Griffin and told the truth the future would have been drastically altered. 

Allow the truth to kill the lie so that you can live. 

Welcome to America. . . .

Currently Frank Ocean is spinning in the CD changer in my car. He's gotta fresh voice and lyrics to match. His love songs are intimate yet shallow at the same time. One of his hottest tracks, American Wedding sets on the Eagles Hotel California sample--that song alone takes me back to EC's bowling alley...ahhh memories..okay back to Ocean...yeah. I'm blasting it for the umpteenth time on the way home; drowning out of the guitar licks and focusing on the lyrics...

I took a walk with the palm trees as the daylight fell
Sangria in a canteen
Talking to myself
This tattoo on my left hand
Is turning purple-ish blue
Daydreams of the romance
Daydreams of you
My pretty woman in a ballgown
I'm Richard Gere in a tux
Getting married in a courthouse
Writing vows in a rush
Making out before the judge
With my teenage wife
Got a wedding band done
That I just might die with

It's an American wedding
They don't mean too much
But we were so in love
We had an American wedding
Now what's mine is yours
That's American law

Now I'm sure Mr. Ocean had something specific on his mind when composing these words and being just an appreciator of great music, I can only speak of my intent. I can't help to think of the deterioration of the state of relationships...especially marriage, do they really not mean much? Have little girls and boys been dreaming an impossible dream? Or has the dream lived too long in fantasy and little boys and girls who become young men and women can't distinguish the dream from reality??


I question this about many things in life, marriage only being one of them. Do we really understand the difference between fantasy and reality? Sure we can regurgitate several aphorisms right now. . . all that glitter ain't gold, good things come to those who wait, yeah yeah yeah but what's the point if they are only words? Statistically ain't nobody listening--half of those who marry get divorced within less than 3 years. Folks marry and divorce like they change undies...daily. 


But marriage is just one area of our lives we live haphazardly about. We do the same with our education. We start and stop and then through away opportunities only to live to adulthood and wish we would have pushed forward in spite of the anthill in our way. 

M-r- s dot Kennedy
She signed her name in pen
In a fancy fancy cursive
Then turned her term papers in
A thesis on Islamic virgin brides and arranged marriage
Hijabs and polygamist husbands
Those poor unamerican girls
After school she ran to me
Jumped in my 5.0
This is the home of the brave
Land of the free
But your parents still didn't know
She said I've had a hell of a summer
So baby
Don't take this hard
But maybe we should get an annulment
Before this goes way to far

It's just an American wedding
They don't mean too much
They don't last enough
We had an American wedding
Now what's mine is yours
American divorce

Well you can have my mustang
That's all I've got in my name
But Jesus Christ don't break my heart
This wedding ring won't ever wipe off
But if you stay
Girl if you stay
You'll probably leave later anyway
It's love made in the U.S.A.

How do we get to a place where it does matter and does have meaning? How do we get to a place where love truly lasts for a life time.....

Chasing a Shadow

I've been a wreck this week. I have come to the reality that I am leaving. Leaving my job of 10 years, my family, friends. My home. It's not like when I left for college. Then I knew I was returning home soon. Soon could have been the weekend, a school break, the summer, etc. Throughout my collegiate career I knew I where home was and knew how to easily get there. Yet this leave places me in a variety of unknowns. Sure I will have the privilege of frolicking around New York City for five weeks, but it won't be home.


I am in a new position in my life where I have to create the is concept of home for myself. I truly must define these parameters myself. The task, monumental to say the least, seems daunting at the moment. So much that I have tried not to think of it, yet that is all I find myself thinking of. These logistics juxtaposed the emotional aspects have left me in tears all week. In my misty eyes my heart is heavy; the causal on-looker my not notice but those with depth most likely see the sag.


Bittersweet. Bittersweet explains it best.


Where I go from here and how I get there is a mystery. I just know that when the day comes I will arrive ready. My journey has prepared me for that moment. I am learning that I must give in to the moment. I can't hold a moving object still.


I must keep chasing the shadow...as I move it moves...a continuous motion....

I Interrupt the Normal Blogcast . . . It Isn't Enough

Lately my posts have been few and far between, not on purpose, per se. I mean it's purpose because I haven't posted, yet it's not like I didn't want to. I would love to post at least every other day, but most times I honestly run out of words. It seems like a fluke that me, the teacher and writer would run out of words but I do. Told by a great writer, Nikki Giovanni, there is no such thing as writer's block, just a lack of information, (got a chance to meet her in undergraduate--what an honor!) I must get informed. 


Admittedly I don't know enough. No matter the subject, I don't know enough. It is not my desire to know all; I just want to know enough.  Not enough quick information to hold a conversation and impress the crowd, but enough to actually feel informed and knowledgeable on the matter to share its content and glory. Sure I know some academic subject matter--but what I know is not enough. Enough to reproduce succession of change in those who I encounter repeatedly. 


By no means do I doubt my calling. I was created to do this teacher gig. In the depths of my being it rumbles to be feed and to be free. Though I believe tradition interpretations have limited some of my ability, this is the place for me. I classroom I will never leave. It fits me just right. 


Nor do I doubt my sustenance. I am well equipped for the ride. What is need has already been stored within me. Now is the time for it to merge itself and activate. It is my birthright to grow. I shall be remiss if I dare stop growing when someone willing shed blood for my life. The mere fact that I wake daily yes is a blessing but is not enough. Growth is required of me. Demanded of me. I have yet to reach the level of satisfactory existence and doubt if I ever. I cannot sleep on this post for I haven't acquired enough to simply just rest in the shade. There is room--though plenty have come, and gone, and accepted the call, yet there is enough room for more. 

It's All in the Conversation: What You Speakin'?

It has been almost two weeks since my last post and I definitely can "feel" it. When I drive I hear a voice that says, you need to write. Right before I fall asleep I hear it again. I can no longer put it aside: I must write. I yield.

I shared awhile back that some of my greatest ideas come from my pastor. I guess I kind of bootleg his sermons!! No I really don't but when he speaks his words create new ideas that I think everyone should hear. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have access to uplifting and building information. For so long we have been told what the problem was but never how to remedy it. Others are always quick to point out areas of our lives that need improvement, yet few can assist you in the fixing or yet alone point you in the right direction.

In my 20's I always wanted to be better and I honestly sought out ways to remedy ill situations most times to no avail. If only I knew then what I know now, well I did. The problem was I didn't know how to use the many tools that I have to better my life and even the lives of those around me. 

One of our greatest tools for a successful and fruitful life are the words we speak. Despite they nursery rhyme you repeated as a child, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" words do cause harm. In fact we kill ourselves and others with our mouths daily. Our words are snares, trapping ourselves from capitalizing on our potential. When our words fail us, we out of anger web others with continual negativity. 

Our words were never meant to cause harm but were meant to bring fresh water to dry situations. For so long we have trained ourselves to disregard our words so we don't truly know who we are or who we can be. Our individual potential to succeed is monumental! And we must begin to speak our present and future to ourselves.  It all starts with the words you speak. We must begin to turn our negative speak into positive words of life. Yes it is that simple. Once we begin to speak in the affirmative, we begin to regain lost confidence and new task become easier to accomplish. 

And the same applies for those in our circle. Yes like minds associate. Remove yourself from the negative conversations at home, work, and play. It you want better surround yourself by better. We must learn to once again be men and women of our words.

The Rules of Life

I know, I know. I been MIA for a minute...between packing and moving (moved in with moms until I leave in June) I didn't get much of anything done. And I have to do this only to do it again! But my NJ move won't be as strenuous. All I gotta move to NJ is a couple of suitcases of clothes. Buying all new when I get then and some stuff will be shipped to me. Anywho--let's get to the gettin--what you came here for!! This post was birthed out of a conversation with the bestie--yeah the one who ran into the closed screen door that she thought was opened!! (If you missed that one, read the last post--it's definitely worth it)


So many times we hoped & prayed a magic instruction booklet to guide us through our life journey. At 32 yrs. old I don't claim to know all the answers, but I do believe I have enough wisdom & experience to share. Though our situations may be packaged differently on the outside, many of us are dealing with the same issues at the core. So here are my top 50 rules, in no particular order, while navigating through this journey. 

1. Seek truth at all cost. Even when it hurts the truth is necessary for growth & success.
2. Be anxious for nothing for nothing quick is ever satisfying.
3. Your parents were correct; two wrongs don't make a right. Fire plus fire equals more fire; you solve nothing when the two of you are burnt to a crisp.
4.  Never stop dreaming of what could be even when you are working on making it a reality.
5. Truly don't put off until tomorrow what you could be doing today.
6. Don't confuse emotions with truth. Feelings lie.
7. Take time during important decisions to make the right choice. If anyone is pressuring you to decide like they want you to, walk away. 
8. Your light truly is not just for you alone. Someone is always watching your signal and following the path you have illuminated for them.
9. Crack truly is WACK!
10. What you like at 18 will change at 21. What you like at 21 will change at 25. 
11. It's not how you fall; it's how you get back up.
12. Humility is a low road but one well worth traveling.
13. It is impossible to live this journey alone; everybody needs somebody. 
14. Good friends refuse to lie to you just to spare your feelings.
15. Reading is truly fundamental. Read a book as often as you can.
16. That saying "All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten" is a lie! If you learned it you would know it and do it--ain't buying the hype.
17. Laughter is a necessity to great health; take it daily.
18. Don't be afraid to cry when you deem it necessary.
19. Just because it's justifiable doesn't mean it's always right.
20. Every lose is really a gain. 
21. NEVER stop growing. When one ceases to grow he dies.
22. Death doesn't mean life ends.
23. Always expect the great.
24. You are worthy of every great thing large and small. 
25. Never willing relinquish your power of choice to anyone.
26. Live with no regrets.
27. No. You don't need anyone to complete you. 
28. You can't change people; only God can.
29. Everybody has at least one good quality you can praise him/her for.
30. My language is no indication of my intelligence--don't assume you know anything by the way one speaks.
31. Money doesn't mean happiness but it does make some things in life much easier when you have a lot of it.
32. Don't believe the hype; always find out for yourself. 
33. The mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. Get educated--something no one can ever take from you.
34. Quality conversation is something to be treasured.
35. Don't put your relationship business on ANY social media network--Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Mobli, etc, 
36. Shorts and/or dresses that are the same length of your underwear should be avoided at all cost. It ain't cute.
37. Follow your gut. If something is telling you it's not right, it's not right.
38. Know when to fight your battles. Some things are not worth the energy. Gracefully concede and be ready for the continuation of the war.
39. Sometimes you can even baffle yourself...just give it a try. 
40. Divorce fear; it has no place in your life. 
41. Sometimes standing for what is right means standing alone. Don't fear one can put several to flight. 
42. Be grateful for what you do have; somebody always has it worse.
43. Dare to do something different.
44. Give--time, talent, love, peace, a smile...doesn't always have to be money, but if you have that give it too.
45.  Travel (outside of the US too) and have some fun!
46. Complain less---don't nobody wanna hear it anyway.
47. Being you ain't easy, but it's much more pleasing than trying to be somebody else.
48. If your conversation leads to the problem shut up and be quiet.
49. Changing you starts with changing the way you speak. Start training yourself to speak in the affirmative and watch your actions follow.
50. Love is a action word. It requires you to do something. 

There it is! The list of all lists!!! Now go and make the world a better place! 

Ahhh Memories

In honor of April Fool's Day I thought I would lighten the load and share some of my more humorous moments. Yes I love laughter and do it quite often. Laughter is truly great medicine.   I love spending time with the fam and have those unexpected moments of laughter. It is these moments that I will miss so much when I move to Jersey, but I will always have these memories.

• On a trip back home from visiting one of the besties the other bestie and I were making our way one. She pulls up to my aunt and uncle's house. I get and walk to the house and she follows about 2 mins later. I go in the house and leave the door open but the screen door closed. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she really didn't see the screen. Either way she walked right in the screen door!!! 
• Kids say the darnest things, really they do. My aunt was rocking my little 2 year old cousin Kyra to sleep after some rowdy moments. My aunt says..."I don't know Monie," talking to her daughter Montoya ..."she said she and spells out tired." Kyra goes yeah I t.i.r.e.d" and spells out tired too!! 
• Most days I am glad I live alone. This day especially. I decided this day I was gonna wear a dress to church. I'm a jeans and a nice shirt kinda of gal. I love my jeans. But it was a nice day, sunny, not to hot so a dress was in order. I put my cute light purple dress on and metallic wedges on and head down the steps, yeah that didn't work out too well. I don't know if I just tripped on my shoe or stepped on something. Whatever the case may be,  I tumbled down the stairs. It was like a stunt scene from the movies. I literally rolled down the stairs! Thank God for the front door. It was the only thing that stopped me from rolling further! Lesson of the day...put your heels on downstairs!
• Speaking of falls. This one has nothing to do with the fam or me, but is equally funny. I had someone come and appraise my home. All was well until the lady was about to leave and tripped over her own shoes and fell down the two front steps. She fell out of her shoes...they were still on the steps and she was face down on the concrete. Her children happened to be waiting in the car. They jump out and run up to her. One looks at her and says, "Mom...what the heck did you do now???" I quickly got her some peroxide, tissue, antibiotic ointment and a band-aid. Don't worry I waited until I retold the story the next day to laugh!!
• Maybe about a year before my brother passed away the whole family went bowling. Mom often planned these types of activities so we could spend quality time together. But you gotta know my mom. She is uncoordinated at times. She laced up her shoes, picks out a bowling ball and then heads to the lane. It's her turn. She walks up and throws the ball.....backwards....yeah it didn't make it down the lane. It landed behind also on somebody's table. Happened so fast we couldn't even yell watch out!
• Somehow a bat got into my house. Have NO clue how but it did. So my brother is sleeping in my room and he wakes up and says he hears something flapping. I come upstairs and look around. I don't see anything. So I kick him my room and call him crazy. So he goes in the other bedroom and goes back to sleep. But before he goes to sleep he shuts the door and place towels at the bottom of the door with intentions of whatever was in my room was not coming in the spare room. Long story short it was in the room he was in!! I was knocking on the door and yelling Dee, it's a bat, it's a bat. Dude jumps out of his sleep runs down the stairs and out the door. I never laughed so hard. We all were afraid of this little bat. Had to call my uncle over who brought his neighbor with him to get the bat!

So those are just tiny slivers of my humorous times. In all things we must take a moment to laugh. Yes life has very serious moments, but we must take to the time laugh along the way. It makes the ride that much easier. 

Re-post: Tabla Rasa

I wrote this one back in August of 2011. I decided to repost it. It speaks to my desire to be new again.  . . . 

Every now and then small pieces of floating debris from college finds its way to regain my attention. I've been struggling all week to find my Stella at work. I did very little over the summer to make my transition into the school year smooth. So here I am scrambling to make it all work. But no fear, your girl always finds her stride right in it time.

Since the professional me was at a panic at the disco, so was the writer. I started two post; one pertaining to Teacherdom--the state of teaching, the other about lying. Yeah. I'm just not feelin' them now. For some reason they have digressed into mere matter. They have no stance in my heart at the moment. I have them saved just in case the fire is rekindled.

So back to college, before I wonder too far from my destination. Dr. Phelan was a fascinating man. Knowledge flowed from his lips like cold smooth water out the hose on a hot day. I loved his poli/sci class. I was especially captivated when he lectured on John Locke. Locke was a bad boy! His work definitely made me pay attention. And here I am thinking about the concept of gained knowledge and it hits me--blank slate. Locke's theory states that we are born with a blank slate and we become the author of our soul. Of course there's more to the theory than the brevity I have given it, but it is this part that I have been thinking on.

The given theory states we were born blank, so is it possible to return to this blank state? Of course man cannot re-enter his mother's womb, but can old knowledge be erased for new knowledge? I ponder this and more because I question if now my knowledge is sufficient. Do I actually possess the necessities to make forward progression? Isn't my forward progression predicated on my now knowledge? Is there more? More to have, more to gain, more to be?

Stay with me. I don't desire to place the new on the old for it will spoil the both. New things need new space to grow. You can't want new green grass by just throwing down some seed. The birds will ravish your stash and furthermore those new seed will land upon unprepared ground. If I clean my now slate, I can prepare for those new seeds to be spread, watered, and increased. With my new blank slate, I can experience those first moments yet again. The moment when I knew "this" was it. No matter what the “this” may be, it came with an undeniable expression of arrival. But moreover it is my desire for progression that drives me to be blank to gain MORE. I want "this" new to replace "this" old and broken. My now is not enough to take me where I desire to go. No specific destination, just forward.

Now I know you are thinking, if I remove my old to gain new isn't there a possibility that my new will be old again? Absolutely. Isn't that the beauty of life? You recognize when you need to stop and start all over again. It's the process of true maturity...the ability to digest sound doctrine.

So my rebirth is now....I forget what is behind me. I forget the sting of death for it has no victory. I forget the broken experiences of first love because it wasn't love at all. I forget mistakes and half steps that placed my name in true sentences that I only hoped would have been lies. I forget the losses and relish the greatness of the gains. I open my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul for the forward path of progression that was created just for me. No one can forger my path like I can.

Hard Questions? I Got Answers!

So why is it so hard for us to address ourselves? Why can't we ask ourselves these hard questions?? Don't worry if you're not sure what these hard questions are--let me help you out?

1. Why do I stay when I know going would be the best option for me?
2. Why do I constantly put others needs before my own? 
3. Why do I blame others for my own screw ups?
4. Why do I add my "but" to every conversation or when I go to apologize?
5. Why do I always end up with the bad ones?

I figured I'd just start with five, don't want to overwhelm you. So let's just get right to good stuff!!

1. You stay because of you allow yourself to believe the lie that your current almost is good enough for your present and your future.
2. You believe that the value others place on you are more than your own. You seek to please others as a means to please self, when it fact it is by no means self serving. Now please don't confuse the this negative trait with that of selflessness. The difference is vast. When one is selfless, it is his/her desire to see the needs of others meet. It gives their heart great joy to be able to serve his/her fellow humans and meet the need. What the question refers to is one who does for others as a desire to be valued by others. A need to feel loved or wanted or worth. Those qualities must come from the inside out.
3. A question we rarely ask ourselves but should in moments of frustration, confrontations, heartaches, and other situations of the like. No matter the ingredients you place in the pot, you are the water. Don't allow others to flavor or color you. You have a unique recipe. And if you make a mistake in your recipe, own up to it. The great part about it is that you can start all over again. It may be you need to remove the extras and get back to the basics. Set down with you and deal with you,
4. This one is a continuation of the previous...time to deal with you. Who cares what others say and do; at the end of the day you must be accountable and responsible for you and your actions and behavior. Move your "buts," out of the way and deal with you. L-Boogie said it best--every tub must stand on its on bottom.
5. Ahhh a question many men and women want to know the answer to. And by right it deserves mega attention and an honest answer. Though some may not want to hear the honesty in the answer, I'mma just put it out there..It all goes back to YOU. Yes we are the problem of our own misery. When we exit relationships we don't take time to focus on what part and/or role we play in the relationship and break up. Just because we see one great trait in the sea of several doesn't mean that relationship will work or those several will become as great as that one. We canNOT change people. We can encourage and support change but not make it happen. You get the bad ones because it is the bad ones that you choose. What something different, do something different with you. 

So I answered the hard questions. I know, I know. You might not want to hear my answers because they all start looking at the same person.....YOU. I mean, honesty we all have deal with the (wo)man in the mirror. Stop turning it around, and actually look into it this time.