So I think that everybody is crazy, but me. Yeah I'm on this one man island trying to understand why the heck I am so different. I never really had friends when I was younger; I've always been a loner. The few friends I did have are still a part of my life today. But even with friends I feel alone. Nobody understands the out lavish sane thoughts that run through my head. I know I have such a deep connection with God it would scare most folks. Maybe that's it; I have scared them away. So I thought I would share some small nuggets of my radical sanity:
1. You don't have haters. Really you don't. Jealousy is a live action, but most folks don't have haters. If more than three people are saying the same thing about you, it's call TRUTH! Try the words by your actions. If five people say you are mean, I bet you are mean. So stop calling them haters and change your nasty attitude.
2. Some things are really that simple. Honestly they are. Temptation can be resisted; it's a matter of choice behavior. Yeah you decided you were going to flirt with ol boy and you know he was married--oops did I just say that??
3. The truth works. It's like that peroxide your mom used to pour on that cut on your knee. Sure it stung when she poured it on for like 3 seconds, but then you were okay. The truth has the ability to clean deep wounds and hurts. Try it.
4. Phoniness is a chore! I don't have time to keep up appearances. Like a girdle, you gotta breathe easy at some point in it. Just let it out. If you don't like so and so just stay away from her until you can be nice without it being laborious. Be polite because you want to NOT because you think you have it. I can't say it enough--try the TRUTH.
5. I'm a liberal conservative. Paradox, huh? See my mind is a constant machine of perplexing thoughts. For example, I LOVE my tatoos, but I must keep them covered in specific places like church, work, etc. I believe all people deserve respect and love, but....(yeah I'm going to keep that fire starter to myself)
6. I know I'm smart. Yep. Not just book start either. I have a thirst for knowledge that is un quenching. When I learn I always want more. But with all my smarts, I can make some dumb choices. In the end I learn from them, but I hate that I gotta wait tell the end to come to the knowledge of my error. But these choices, even the dumb ones have taught me major lessons. Yet I still hold some reserve about the dumb choices.
7. I have learned to love unconditionally. There's no secret, no magic pill. You just do. You let go of everything that you have been holding on too and just love with no limits. So what people act a fool, love anyway. So what dude cheated on you, love anyway. I am in no way advocating for you to do foolish things; listen to your heart, it knows right from wrong. All I am saying is that you must give love a chance. You don't have the power to change anyone; only God can do that. So don't take the burden. Just let love live within you.
8. Every day I miss my brother more and more. I don't know if I will ever stop missing him. I look at my niece and nephew and know my brother will never have the opportunity to raise his children. I really miss him and I know they miss him more. You never know how important the human voice is until you no longer hear it.
Oh and by the way, I know everybody ain't crazy....really it's just me.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller
When I was younger, my brother loved that song I Wish by Skee-lo. You remember Skee-lo, little short yellow dude. If you don't remember him, def google or you-tube him to bring back those great 90's memories! So dude wanted to be a baller, you know like Mike. But what little boy didn't back when Mike of was in the peak of his career? I know my brother Taurus was CRAZY about Mike. Back to back championships, movies (Space Jam), and sneakers that EVERYONE had to have and still want! Every kid wanted to pick up a basketball to find his/her hoop dream. So where am I going with this one--well somehow that baller dream has morphed in being a rapper--yes a rapper. Why is it that, now I must be careful with my wording here, so many young men from ages 15 to 35 (yes I have met grown men who are full time rappers with no full time or part time job)want to be a rapper? I absolutely have no problem with the art form; in fact, I am a die hard Rick Ross fan. (I know, hard to believe, right?? I would spit some lyrics right now off the top of the dome, but I'll save it for another post!! LOL) But honestly, what happened to our dreams? I am in a bewildered state.
Something has gone wrong from fantasy to reality. Education is thought of as nonessential and everything in one's wildest imagination is seen as possible. Sure I wish I could sing and dance like Beyonce'(not really but that's the first comparison that popped into my head!!), but the reality is that I AM NOT B. You are not Lil Wayne, or any other high profile rapper nor should it be your dream to be. We have been living in the fantasy world of entertainment as priority when it is not intended to be that way. Entertainment's purpose in our lives is meant to be an option when availible not for you to blow your dreams and money on.
We don't teach our babies to dream anymore. We push them to excell in sports because we played star runningback from jfl to highschool or made the final shot for the state championship senior year. But we don't push them to read any and evey book they can get their hands on. We don't feed their love of learning when they are young. We tell them it's okay if you don't like school, just play basketball and do kinda okay in school so you can get a scholarship then leave college early so you can declare draft for the NBA. Did you know a black man has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than being in the NBA???
I in no way doubt the talent and skills of those who have made a career in the world of entertainment, but even entertainers know the field is a shark tank. The smart ones invest--Serena and Venus are minority owners of the Miami Dolphins not to mention their numerous investments in fashion. Jay-Z built his empire beyond rap--the Nets, Rocawear, etc. The point is that they used their public persona as a platform to attain their dreams. I'm sure along the way they educated themselves to make informed decisions.
BUT this is a minority in the universe. Others must take a less public profile to reach our dreams. It is NOTHING wrong with working and dreaming. In fact I work two jobs and then work on dream. I know it, my dream, will make room for me. I am quite positive it will come to fruition in due time. We must, we must teach our children to dream. Dream to be lawyers, doctors, teachers, engineers, therapist, inventors, dentist, etc. We must expose them to the possibilies beyond television, beyond popular entertainment. Teach them to influence the world by expanding their brains through education. High school is not enough. They must attend college and/or trade school. They must dream without limitations.
Our failure to teach other children to dream is a blatant disrespect to the many souls who willingly gave their lives so we COULD dream a reality.
Something has gone wrong from fantasy to reality. Education is thought of as nonessential and everything in one's wildest imagination is seen as possible. Sure I wish I could sing and dance like Beyonce'(not really but that's the first comparison that popped into my head!!), but the reality is that I AM NOT B. You are not Lil Wayne, or any other high profile rapper nor should it be your dream to be. We have been living in the fantasy world of entertainment as priority when it is not intended to be that way. Entertainment's purpose in our lives is meant to be an option when availible not for you to blow your dreams and money on.
We don't teach our babies to dream anymore. We push them to excell in sports because we played star runningback from jfl to highschool or made the final shot for the state championship senior year. But we don't push them to read any and evey book they can get their hands on. We don't feed their love of learning when they are young. We tell them it's okay if you don't like school, just play basketball and do kinda okay in school so you can get a scholarship then leave college early so you can declare draft for the NBA. Did you know a black man has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than being in the NBA???
I in no way doubt the talent and skills of those who have made a career in the world of entertainment, but even entertainers know the field is a shark tank. The smart ones invest--Serena and Venus are minority owners of the Miami Dolphins not to mention their numerous investments in fashion. Jay-Z built his empire beyond rap--the Nets, Rocawear, etc. The point is that they used their public persona as a platform to attain their dreams. I'm sure along the way they educated themselves to make informed decisions.
BUT this is a minority in the universe. Others must take a less public profile to reach our dreams. It is NOTHING wrong with working and dreaming. In fact I work two jobs and then work on dream. I know it, my dream, will make room for me. I am quite positive it will come to fruition in due time. We must, we must teach our children to dream. Dream to be lawyers, doctors, teachers, engineers, therapist, inventors, dentist, etc. We must expose them to the possibilies beyond television, beyond popular entertainment. Teach them to influence the world by expanding their brains through education. High school is not enough. They must attend college and/or trade school. They must dream without limitations.
Our failure to teach other children to dream is a blatant disrespect to the many souls who willingly gave their lives so we COULD dream a reality.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tiffany Nicole, MD
I loved the young Neil Patrick Harris in the budding medical drama Doogie Howser, MD. He was the child prodigy who tried to balance teen life and being a doctor. I don't know what it is about the show I loved, but I think the geek in me loved the idea of a kid having all the answers. Reminscing now, I see the errors of my young and innocent thought process. By no means do I want to know all the answers.
Sounds suspect, huh. But I'm being completely truthful. I don't want to know all the answers, I can see the temporal gladness knowing all the answers could bring.
Some many of my answers in life came from the very few, let me quit lying, the SEVERAL mistakes I have made along the way. It is by error I have learned the vaue of love and truth and life. Imagine if we knew all things at all times? Boy, no more surprise birthday parties! But seriously knowing all would be no more living. The great part of life is trust and trust takes risks, blind risks at that. That risk creates faith. That faith reassures us great benefits.
By no means am I encourging ignorance, infact it's quite the opposite. The search for truth and knowledge goes beyond just finding the answers and being a know-it-all. A part of knowledge is knowing timing. We must stop trying to diagnose it all. We must live in the sometime uncertainity that truth and love IS certain to appear and perform in its full capacity in its due time. Through a recent conversation with my Uncle Jeff I recieved these exact words.. "God made us human beings not human doers...stop doing and just be." Be the man or woman you are to be. Stop searcing for the answers to be and just be. I am no longer in fascination with finding all the answers; I am more focused on living to be the answer.
Sounds suspect, huh. But I'm being completely truthful. I don't want to know all the answers, I can see the temporal gladness knowing all the answers could bring.
Some many of my answers in life came from the very few, let me quit lying, the SEVERAL mistakes I have made along the way. It is by error I have learned the vaue of love and truth and life. Imagine if we knew all things at all times? Boy, no more surprise birthday parties! But seriously knowing all would be no more living. The great part of life is trust and trust takes risks, blind risks at that. That risk creates faith. That faith reassures us great benefits.
By no means am I encourging ignorance, infact it's quite the opposite. The search for truth and knowledge goes beyond just finding the answers and being a know-it-all. A part of knowledge is knowing timing. We must stop trying to diagnose it all. We must live in the sometime uncertainity that truth and love IS certain to appear and perform in its full capacity in its due time. Through a recent conversation with my Uncle Jeff I recieved these exact words.. "God made us human beings not human doers...stop doing and just be." Be the man or woman you are to be. Stop searcing for the answers to be and just be. I am no longer in fascination with finding all the answers; I am more focused on living to be the answer.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Rebellion
The 15th of July holds so many memories for me: my mom's birthday, my granny's birthday, my cousin's birthday and they day my brother was killed. This year my mom and I attended a gathering at my granny's. I so enjoyed myself, gotta love the family. Some how or another the discussion of my blog came up and one of my aunts asked me what it was called. I told her and she asked me if I was a rebel. Without a shadow of doubt I told her absolutely! In fact, I told her I break all the rules, aren't we supposed to??
I know, I know. Many of you are going to the extreme and immediately ponder the plethora of illegal activites I could be involved in...but take a small step back and change directions for a moment. Let's explore this concept of rebellion before you have me serving 15 to life for running an underground cocaine cartel!
By defintion rebellion is a noun, which means it is a "thing" which means resistance to authority or control or tradition. The form of this authority, control, or tradition could be several other nouns--parents, governments, ideals, the "norm," society, etc. So a rebel would be one who resists authority, control, or tradition. We tend to think of rebellion in a negative shade, but not I.
In its pure state we should all be rebels. Damn the MAN, whatever form of resistance he may take. Within us all we should desire the pursuit of truth. And to pursue the truth requires that we do the unpopular. Angela Davis says it best, "We all know the road to freedom is stalked by death." An injustice must die in order to make the truth more visible. Notice I said more visible. The truth always exists and needs no help to do so. But, it can be blurred by an injustice. So eradicating the injustice with allow the glow of truth to be seen from see to shining sea.
The heart of my rebellion is in the eradicating. I refuse to be quiet. When I have the urge to speak, I will do so, no matter who I am speaking to. I will rock boat, stir the pot, push the envelope,and etc. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be believe the lie that silence is golden in all situations. We sit back, fall into a mundane routine, complain of the woes of the world and do nothing. We care only for "our four and no more." We are miserbly happy--impossible, right? Nawww it's possible! We are happy because we have arrived to a position we believe is enough for mediocore survival and vacation. Our families are happy, healthy, and provided for yet our local communities are suffering. But we say, "it's not my fault. They had the same opportunities as I did." That's misery. When we can't help our brothers and sisters, that's misery. Not taking an active stand is defeat and misery. We willingly follow a system created to isolated and destroy.
We were created to fight for the truth at all cost. And I proudly take that honor.
Ok, yeah, alright...
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well...
...choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfied
Rebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
Lauryn Hill, MTV Unplugged
I know, I know. Many of you are going to the extreme and immediately ponder the plethora of illegal activites I could be involved in...but take a small step back and change directions for a moment. Let's explore this concept of rebellion before you have me serving 15 to life for running an underground cocaine cartel!
By defintion rebellion is a noun, which means it is a "thing" which means resistance to authority or control or tradition. The form of this authority, control, or tradition could be several other nouns--parents, governments, ideals, the "norm," society, etc. So a rebel would be one who resists authority, control, or tradition. We tend to think of rebellion in a negative shade, but not I.
In its pure state we should all be rebels. Damn the MAN, whatever form of resistance he may take. Within us all we should desire the pursuit of truth. And to pursue the truth requires that we do the unpopular. Angela Davis says it best, "We all know the road to freedom is stalked by death." An injustice must die in order to make the truth more visible. Notice I said more visible. The truth always exists and needs no help to do so. But, it can be blurred by an injustice. So eradicating the injustice with allow the glow of truth to be seen from see to shining sea.
The heart of my rebellion is in the eradicating. I refuse to be quiet. When I have the urge to speak, I will do so, no matter who I am speaking to. I will rock boat, stir the pot, push the envelope,and etc. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be believe the lie that silence is golden in all situations. We sit back, fall into a mundane routine, complain of the woes of the world and do nothing. We care only for "our four and no more." We are miserbly happy--impossible, right? Nawww it's possible! We are happy because we have arrived to a position we believe is enough for mediocore survival and vacation. Our families are happy, healthy, and provided for yet our local communities are suffering. But we say, "it's not my fault. They had the same opportunities as I did." That's misery. When we can't help our brothers and sisters, that's misery. Not taking an active stand is defeat and misery. We willingly follow a system created to isolated and destroy.
We were created to fight for the truth at all cost. And I proudly take that honor.
Ok, yeah, alright...
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well...
...choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfied
Rebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
Lauryn Hill, MTV Unplugged
Thursday, July 14, 2011
So I'm Single and I'm Suppose to love it?? I think NOT!!
Nothing about me is ordinary. I pride myself on walking to my own beat. Sometimes I use a drum sometimes it's all in my head. I have come to terms that my uniqueness is pure beauty. Yeah I'm a bit quirky and sometimes goofy but hey, I love it! And those who truly know me, love me for being Tiffany. In this complexity of Tiffany my mind is always on the go questioning the status quo and considering actions to rebel against the norm.
So I was thinking, why do people say they are single and loving it?? Let's drive straight down Truth Lane people! No man (in this case meaning human being) desires to be alone. We were created for relationships. In their true essence, a relationship is designed to bring quality and meaning to one's life. Now we have several types of relationships adding variety to our lives. We build these relationships and enjoy what they add to us. So why would we love being without an intimate relationship that could create history and legacy in our lives???
This concept of "loving it" puzzles me. Sure I enjoy all the relationships in my life; mother/daughter, friends, student/teacher, etc. Each one has a distinct role in my life and has helped to create the woman I am becoming. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in the principle of reciprocity and truth. I love the relationships that I have build and look forward to sharing my world with that "one" someday soon.
By no means does anyone love being single. I refuse to believe that version of truth,(which I believe is a lie). It is every single person's desire to create a love relationship, as well is it mines. BUT that doesn't mean I absolutely hate being single. To be it is just a chapter in my life book. Some chapters are a blink of an eye, others seem to stretch beyond, but I'm cool with it. My life book, as well as yours, is full of celebrations, tragedies, slips, dips, cruves, and green lights, and flashing caution signs. In all I don't regret one moment of it. I know there is so much for me to accomplish as in this single chapter of my book. Places for me to go, people for me to see, and a little shopping like I done lost my mind along the way!!! And most times it's on my babies---Sweet Pea, Snoodie, and Buddy. (Little cousin, niece and nephew. Occasionally I get it in for me too--gotta do it for the fans--I know I'm a handful!!)
Yet my point is this, yes I'm single. Do I love it, nawwwww not quite. And quite honestly that's okay. I refuse to allow the pressures of society or people to dictate what I know to be the TRUTH. It's all a part of this amazing thing called life. I'm A okay with being me! I'm content in the state I find myself in. Right now, this chapter ain't too bad!! In fact, I'm soooo happy being me. I love my life and the direction (FORWARD) that I am going. Just like any great read, I can't wait to get to the next chapter!! In due time, it will come when it will come. And it's timing will be perfect.
Until we meet again remember, it only takes ONE to start a revolution---get FREE!
So I was thinking, why do people say they are single and loving it?? Let's drive straight down Truth Lane people! No man (in this case meaning human being) desires to be alone. We were created for relationships. In their true essence, a relationship is designed to bring quality and meaning to one's life. Now we have several types of relationships adding variety to our lives. We build these relationships and enjoy what they add to us. So why would we love being without an intimate relationship that could create history and legacy in our lives???
This concept of "loving it" puzzles me. Sure I enjoy all the relationships in my life; mother/daughter, friends, student/teacher, etc. Each one has a distinct role in my life and has helped to create the woman I am becoming. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in the principle of reciprocity and truth. I love the relationships that I have build and look forward to sharing my world with that "one" someday soon.
By no means does anyone love being single. I refuse to believe that version of truth,(which I believe is a lie). It is every single person's desire to create a love relationship, as well is it mines. BUT that doesn't mean I absolutely hate being single. To be it is just a chapter in my life book. Some chapters are a blink of an eye, others seem to stretch beyond, but I'm cool with it. My life book, as well as yours, is full of celebrations, tragedies, slips, dips, cruves, and green lights, and flashing caution signs. In all I don't regret one moment of it. I know there is so much for me to accomplish as in this single chapter of my book. Places for me to go, people for me to see, and a little shopping like I done lost my mind along the way!!! And most times it's on my babies---Sweet Pea, Snoodie, and Buddy. (Little cousin, niece and nephew. Occasionally I get it in for me too--gotta do it for the fans--I know I'm a handful!!)
Yet my point is this, yes I'm single. Do I love it, nawwwww not quite. And quite honestly that's okay. I refuse to allow the pressures of society or people to dictate what I know to be the TRUTH. It's all a part of this amazing thing called life. I'm A okay with being me! I'm content in the state I find myself in. Right now, this chapter ain't too bad!! In fact, I'm soooo happy being me. I love my life and the direction (FORWARD) that I am going. Just like any great read, I can't wait to get to the next chapter!! In due time, it will come when it will come. And it's timing will be perfect.
Until we meet again remember, it only takes ONE to start a revolution---get FREE!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Waiting for Human Impossible
I have been having this desire to write the past few days and thought returning to blogging would be my best outlet. In fact, I have come up with some creative topic ideas and titles to accompany them. My problem seems to be with being consistent! I have these great ideas but I must learn to be committed to them. So here it goes....
This morning I read a status post from a friend that read: It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Immediately I began to thinking, but why? If we already know the truth what does it gain us to continue to live a lie?? This condition is the story of many of our lives. We perpetuate ill will upon ourselves. The longer we place ourselves in these situations, the longer we deny the power of truth its existence in our lives. Truth is a bad boy ya'll!!! It's momentary pain contains a life time of gain. Let's break this down...
The pain of truth comes from the recognition that a problem does exist. Removing ourselves from the state of denial can be a beast! But have more confidence in yourself. The great part is most times we already know what the problem is, yet some form of fear holds us back in denial. Whatever the case my be, you have more power than what you give yourself credit for. To lose is to gain. Lose fear, lose denial, and lose yourself to gain yourself. To gain yourself is more valuable than rubies, silver, and gold. Yes to take hold of who you are and live in your unique identity is priceless.
So why wait for someone else to release you? Release yourself. You are the one who holds you in bondage. You have the power to cancel your own debt. Why wait for a mere man to perform magic when you already see the truth?
This morning I read a status post from a friend that read: It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Immediately I began to thinking, but why? If we already know the truth what does it gain us to continue to live a lie?? This condition is the story of many of our lives. We perpetuate ill will upon ourselves. The longer we place ourselves in these situations, the longer we deny the power of truth its existence in our lives. Truth is a bad boy ya'll!!! It's momentary pain contains a life time of gain. Let's break this down...
The pain of truth comes from the recognition that a problem does exist. Removing ourselves from the state of denial can be a beast! But have more confidence in yourself. The great part is most times we already know what the problem is, yet some form of fear holds us back in denial. Whatever the case my be, you have more power than what you give yourself credit for. To lose is to gain. Lose fear, lose denial, and lose yourself to gain yourself. To gain yourself is more valuable than rubies, silver, and gold. Yes to take hold of who you are and live in your unique identity is priceless.
So why wait for someone else to release you? Release yourself. You are the one who holds you in bondage. You have the power to cancel your own debt. Why wait for a mere man to perform magic when you already see the truth?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I'm Still Waiting
It has been too long. Way too long. Perhaps somewhere in the time frame of seven months. In the lean time I joined facebook--oh the devil, lost weight, gained it back, losing some now, had money trouble, got out of money trouble, feel in love, and let love go. My life has been in plethora--overabundance. In its original form the term is actually a medical term meaning excess of bodily fluid. I have no clue where I learned that from, but I do know it's befitting for my life at the moment. It is the state of affairs for me. I have an overabundance of things and no place to fit those things, literally and figuratively speaking.
My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.
How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...
One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals but...it's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.
I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....
My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.
How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...
One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals but...it's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.
I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....
Friday, February 5, 2010
Paying Tribute
Since it is February, the month of love--in some many forms and ways--romantic, platonic, and historical, I thought I would pay so "love" to one of the greatest teachers I encountered in my life; Mr. Charles warr. Mr. Warr was my 4th grade teacher at Franklin Elementary School. Tall, dark, big lips, and short fro Mr. Warr always gained our attention. In part because many of us were from homes with single mothers that daddies rarely visited it was great to have a true male authoritative figure that paid attention to us.
He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.
"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.
Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...
"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.
I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.
In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.
In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!
He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.
"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.
Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...
"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.
I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.
In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.
In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Limiting the limitless
I have so much that I wanna say but it seems to be stuck. Somewhere between yesterday and today. Like it didn't wanna rise from its seductive slumber, cozy under warm winter fleece blankets.
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Token
So much has within the past month concerning me at the high school. I started back with my PR job, which is not the highlight of my career, but the job was given to me and I had no choice. I ain't when jobs become labors. I admit, I don't do the job well at all. I mean I do it half-ass. Seriously I do. I do the publication part great. Putting the news letter together and all that is like butter--easy on and off. But the other parts of the job just plain suck for me. So I took matters into my own hands and quit. Yep put in my letter of resignation and called it a d.a.y! I was so proud of myself for actually shutting my mouth and doing something positive. Besides the extra pay I get is well compensated with my night gig at the college. In fact what I make at the college is 50% more than the PR job! Now I can focus on my duties as a teacher..whew!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Happy 2010
I know, I know, I'm super duper late but Happy 2010 to all of my virtual world friends. May this year be all that you desire it to be. Take time to go beyond your "regular" yearly assessment and truly map your life. Make SMART goals. Goals that are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Monday, November 23, 2009
What was I thinking??
So apparently this morning I broke the cardinal rule (and didn't even know it). I was getting dressed for this short week, we have to work Monday & Tuesday then Teacher institute Wednesday, and my phone rings and I answered it. My ear hustling boyfriend who is still laying in the bed wakes up as I end my conversation:
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Advice
So earlier in the week I gave one of my senior classes an excerpt of Dr. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon University. I know you all heard of him; innovative man who turned the virtual world into reality and died last year at 47 years old. He shares some amazing things in his speech. I seemed to get more out of it than the kids. That happens sometimes. Information that I hope the would make a connection to goes right over their heads. Some days I seriously wonder what the ???? I was thinking deciding to become a teacher. But anyway, back to the speech! He shared one thing that really hit me dead between the eyes...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Voice Over
I've been head over heels into Sista Souljah's first book, No Disrespect. My girl picked it up for me years away when she heard Souljah speak at a college function. I picked it up back then and put it down because her first fiction piece, The Coldest Winter Ever had my attention. But at this juncture in my life its fitting. She tells about those who have made an impact in her life. Though she's a bit radical in thought, I really enjoy the read. Her syntax is amazing! She makes nonfiction, no matter the situation sound elegant! Seriously! Even her foul language sounds good! I love the way the words slide off of the page into my imagination!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Happy One Year to Me!!!
It's official...have been blogging for a full year. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with it. Thanks Art for getting me hooked on blogging. Without you I wouldn't be the writer I have become today! Happy year to me!!!
It's been too long...
I haven't blogged in weeks. Don't know why. Maybe it's the two jobs, S.O., and other social aspects that have been in the way..LOL. Seriously the two jobs are making me work hard! I love them but it is a difficult task. I wish that I could quit the full time and work two part times, but don't think that's gonna happen soon!!! My guy says that I can't quit working because I'm not in the prime of my life. So I told him he has got to hit it big or win the lottery so I can work part time and write full time..he smiled and said he would get right on it!!!
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The List
I thought it only befitting that I shared my list since I did talk about it yesterday. It's just a list. I am not saying I am committed to following through on anything on it at this point in my life. Although I have three tattoos I would love more. I just can't seem to justify the spending the extra cashola on a tat when it could go some place else with immediate benefits, like the house or even car. Both had projects that need to come started or finished. Anywhoo amuse my imagination:
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Free Falling
While on my addiction, in laymen's terms Facebook, I read a post my a friend's wall. It was a well known quote, Leap and the net will appear. I really like it. Like really, really like it. I'm definitely adding it to my list of sayings to get tatooed on my body. Digress Yes I gotta list. Some of the them will never made the cut, literally, but I just like having the list. At the moment I'm planning to get a bible versus in hebrew. I know, I know. Some people don't agree with my love of body art which I can respect. But it's my love, my body, and I have to live with it. Now back to the subject at hand!
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I was thinking...
So Imma avid reader of SBM.net, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Come get this pleasure
I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
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