Since it is February, the month of love--in some many forms and ways--romantic, platonic, and historical, I thought I would pay so "love" to one of the greatest teachers I encountered in my life; Mr. Charles warr. Mr. Warr was my 4th grade teacher at Franklin Elementary School. Tall, dark, big lips, and short fro Mr. Warr always gained our attention. In part because many of us were from homes with single mothers that daddies rarely visited it was great to have a true male authoritative figure that paid attention to us.
He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.
"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.
Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...
"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.
I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.
In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.
In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Limiting the limitless
I have so much that I wanna say but it seems to be stuck. Somewhere between yesterday and today. Like it didn't wanna rise from its seductive slumber, cozy under warm winter fleece blankets.
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Token
So much has within the past month concerning me at the high school. I started back with my PR job, which is not the highlight of my career, but the job was given to me and I had no choice. I ain't when jobs become labors. I admit, I don't do the job well at all. I mean I do it half-ass. Seriously I do. I do the publication part great. Putting the news letter together and all that is like butter--easy on and off. But the other parts of the job just plain suck for me. So I took matters into my own hands and quit. Yep put in my letter of resignation and called it a d.a.y! I was so proud of myself for actually shutting my mouth and doing something positive. Besides the extra pay I get is well compensated with my night gig at the college. In fact what I make at the college is 50% more than the PR job! Now I can focus on my duties as a teacher..whew!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Happy 2010
I know, I know, I'm super duper late but Happy 2010 to all of my virtual world friends. May this year be all that you desire it to be. Take time to go beyond your "regular" yearly assessment and truly map your life. Make SMART goals. Goals that are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Monday, November 23, 2009
What was I thinking??
So apparently this morning I broke the cardinal rule (and didn't even know it). I was getting dressed for this short week, we have to work Monday & Tuesday then Teacher institute Wednesday, and my phone rings and I answered it. My ear hustling boyfriend who is still laying in the bed wakes up as I end my conversation:
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Advice
So earlier in the week I gave one of my senior classes an excerpt of Dr. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon University. I know you all heard of him; innovative man who turned the virtual world into reality and died last year at 47 years old. He shares some amazing things in his speech. I seemed to get more out of it than the kids. That happens sometimes. Information that I hope the would make a connection to goes right over their heads. Some days I seriously wonder what the ???? I was thinking deciding to become a teacher. But anyway, back to the speech! He shared one thing that really hit me dead between the eyes...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Voice Over
I've been head over heels into Sista Souljah's first book, No Disrespect. My girl picked it up for me years away when she heard Souljah speak at a college function. I picked it up back then and put it down because her first fiction piece, The Coldest Winter Ever had my attention. But at this juncture in my life its fitting. She tells about those who have made an impact in her life. Though she's a bit radical in thought, I really enjoy the read. Her syntax is amazing! She makes nonfiction, no matter the situation sound elegant! Seriously! Even her foul language sounds good! I love the way the words slide off of the page into my imagination!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Happy One Year to Me!!!
It's official...have been blogging for a full year. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with it. Thanks Art for getting me hooked on blogging. Without you I wouldn't be the writer I have become today! Happy year to me!!!
It's been too long...
I haven't blogged in weeks. Don't know why. Maybe it's the two jobs, S.O., and other social aspects that have been in the way..LOL. Seriously the two jobs are making me work hard! I love them but it is a difficult task. I wish that I could quit the full time and work two part times, but don't think that's gonna happen soon!!! My guy says that I can't quit working because I'm not in the prime of my life. So I told him he has got to hit it big or win the lottery so I can work part time and write full time..he smiled and said he would get right on it!!!
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The List
I thought it only befitting that I shared my list since I did talk about it yesterday. It's just a list. I am not saying I am committed to following through on anything on it at this point in my life. Although I have three tattoos I would love more. I just can't seem to justify the spending the extra cashola on a tat when it could go some place else with immediate benefits, like the house or even car. Both had projects that need to come started or finished. Anywhoo amuse my imagination:
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Free Falling
While on my addiction, in laymen's terms Facebook, I read a post my a friend's wall. It was a well known quote, Leap and the net will appear. I really like it. Like really, really like it. I'm definitely adding it to my list of sayings to get tatooed on my body. Digress Yes I gotta list. Some of the them will never made the cut, literally, but I just like having the list. At the moment I'm planning to get a bible versus in hebrew. I know, I know. Some people don't agree with my love of body art which I can respect. But it's my love, my body, and I have to live with it. Now back to the subject at hand!
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I was thinking...
So Imma avid reader of SBM.net, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Come get this pleasure
I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Fight
It was a knock down, drag out. Seriously we were an inch from breaking up I could go on forever about the cause, but I won't bore over the details any longer. I don't even wanna give life to them. It was resolved, we both apologized--not just one of those blank Im sorry, but I'm sorry for _______. Which made me feel so much better. One thing I learned: when you say your done with it--no matter what it may be, be done. I told him I took his word on the issue, and it's a dead issue now. He really appreciated me for saying it. And I thought it was amazing that I was able to say it.
My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.
Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...
My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.
Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tired
This morning I feel as if I haven't sleep in days, when in actuality I have. In fact been going to bed at no later than 11 PM each night, but I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Even my emotions are going through a roller coaster. Despite it all I'm determined to push myself beyond the way I feel. That's what life is about, right--pushing it to the limits. I don't know my limits in some areas yet, but in others I am fully aware of where I am willing NOT to go.
I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...
I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It Was a Good Trip
So this past weekend I flew to MN to see my baby. We got off to a very rough start. I mean rough!! We argued while I was at Midway before the plane departed and we had a nice silent ride when I arrived. But it comes with the territory! I really enjoyed just being his is company. One night we just chilled; he watched ESPN and I messed around on Facebook. I realized I had missed him so much and this distance thing was a lot for me. I know I can survive it but it is going to be a work in progress. I know that both of us could be so much better if we were closer in distance. Honestly it does make a difference when you are 10 minutes away versus 900 miles. Yeah just about 900 miles..a 2 1/2 hour drive to Chicago then an hour flight and I'm there in half the time, but when that is not an easy sojourn!
This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.
We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it comes...one moment at a time!
This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.
We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it comes...one moment at a time!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Haven't Done This in Awhile.....A Piece of a Short Story
She didn't lift her head. Just went on nibbling the cheese off the wax paper. It wasn't that fresh gooey cheeseburger cheese either. This cheese had time to get harden to a cold clump. The burger had been in my bag for about two hours. I bought fresh from the drive through but got so caught up grading papers I'd forgot I had it stashed on top of all the other forgotten items in my purse. There was no way I was going to carry a cheeseburger into the office. My internal eyes knew someone would see this plus sized frame and give the side eye. A small slip of the mental conversation he or she wanted to have with me. Yeah all of this was going through my head as I watched her diligently eat it all. I had to stop myself from starring but of course it was too late.
She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.
"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.
"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.
Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.
I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.
The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?
"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.
"Okay. What kind of help do you need."
"Every kind."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!
She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.
"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.
"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.
Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.
I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.
The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?
"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.
"Okay. What kind of help do you need."
"Every kind."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Debrief...I Found It
I know, I know. I promised to give the details of teaching my first community college class. Sorry I have been super tired from trying to adjust to the new schedule and the fact that I have to be at work all and sometimes all night...what happened to those summer days????
Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.
Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.
Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.
Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Did I Say I Was Nervous...
Well I am! Seriously I feel a calm about the situation but at the same time my mind is going a mile a minute! Tonight will be the first class of the night course I teach at the local community college. I went on the final details of my syllabus, made all the needed changes and now all I have to do is print. I decided to print it off on purple paper but I don't wanna be the obsessive instructor that color codes everything so I will tread lightly---I promise! But I'm in overdrive thinking of all the details that I might have missed along the way. Just trying to make sure all my basics are covered for the first day. It's my worst fear that I am going to forget something important!
On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.
So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!
On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.
So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Aww..Friday is here!
Yes, yes it is finally arrived, beloved Friday. The day we all look forward to on Monday!!! Thus far my Friday has been filled with great things. School's out. We are operating on a "heat schedule" (though at the moment it is raining) until after Labor Day so school is dismissed at 1:45. My classes were really good. I taught bell to bell (when the bell rings to begin and then to dismiss) and I had all the student's attention! I'm so proud of myself. I know it is only the beginning, but good starts lead to great finishes!!!
I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)
I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....
And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!
I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)
I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....
And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!
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