I see this post as continuation of the previous three. They all were birthed in the same conversation. I guess I am still feeling relationshipy. And by right, I should. But I'll save those details for another day. I have more pressing matters, this post, to explore. Yet those details will make their way into this post in a manner of speaking.
One of my favorite artists is MJB. Yeah I have this fascination with her music and I always have. I own every record (yeah I just dated myself by saying record!! My family refers to all music as records. Movies as pictures. Motorcycles as bikes. A lie as a fib. Several other oddities exist, but I’ll stop here!!) she has released. Her music is so full of life's issues positive and negative. As an artist, she has allowed her listeners to see her life through her music. One song in particular, is most befitting for this post. Reminisce, from her debut album, What's the 411?. The chorus goes as follows:
Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had
Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had
Like I said, MJB my girl, but reminiscing is DANGEROUS!! If it is no longer together, it probably didn't work. Why try to recreate something that's broken? I'm going to take the leap and say there's most likely a great reason why you are not together in the present. Maybe you need to remind yourself of that fact first.
See the problem with these memories is that they can be ultra deceiving. Shallow memories of past loves tend to focus only on the blissful moments. It becomes Hollywood dreams: holding hands in the park, tender kisses, gentle stares, long stimulating talks, blah, blah, blah. You know good and well that only lasted for 2 months; the rest was restless frustrations. We tend to gloss over the heartaches we are still trying to recover from. Those hard memories tend to be buried in our forgetting allowing us to temporary desire the past. These memories are dangerous. We simply can't live here.
Really, you can't live in the past. All roads in the past have been deemed hazardous. The yellow's a pale unrecognizable muted white brick. It's overgrown, sprawled with thistles and thorns; it simply can't be navigated. Why risk your life for something you cannot change? We cannot continue to live our past. We cannot allow our past experiences to (1) define who we will become or (2) keep us bound.
Living in these memories keep you chained to a image that really doesn't reflect the person you truly are. Your present picture is blissful. Smell the cherry blossoms; bathe in the warm rays of the sun; love the change you are becoming. Baby your future is sooooo bright, you definitely gotta wear shades....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Little Bit...When Less Isn't More
I feel all relationshipy today so I thought I would continue another thought one of the the besties and I had. For some reason this bestie and I always talk about relationships. It could be either one of us don't have one at the moment, or I just love hearing all about her dating adventures. I mean she is a dater and her dates range the gamut--one dude who foams at the mouth?? One dude who brings his own coffee to Starbucks, so he orders a Venti hot water?? Yeah bestie has some pretty interesting stories. I could probably blog about her all day. Honesty I could. She always stops mid sentence and says, "oh Tiff you can blog about that." I laugh, but then open the memo app on my phone and swype the idea down quickly. This is one of those quickies...
We've been bamboozled. Somewhere in the exchange less has become better. The less money you have the more help you can get from a system intended to keep you in a system. The less clothes you wear the more exotic you feel and empowered you believe yourself to be. The less he gives, more you believe he loves. The less you hours and days we work, the more we desire. The less time we have, the more we fall away.
In all things, less by no means is more. Less is in fact, well, less. By definition the word less can be an adverb or an adjective which means it can add to the meaning of a verb or describe the degree of situation. But one thing both means have in common is the first definition: [to a] smaller extent, amount, degree. Less is small in amount and degree. We have accepted the small amount of thought as grand and the small about of degree as exceptional.
For instance, in a relationship is has become a common practice to accept less in all categories. The less can be applied to any part of the relationship: less attention, less time, less commitment, less personality, less values, less morals, less responsibilities, less, less, less. In common perception is less is better than none. Yet what one fails to realize that the less is none because all of the lesses (yeah I made up a word--I can do that!!) still never make up one. It is impossible to have 1/3 of anything and still be considered complete. No, it's not done; it's not whole. It's not one. You can't add particles to get a crumb and why in the world would you want just a crumb? I'm baffled.
Honesty, life is more than piecing crumbs together to make a meal. When funds are in between and groceries low, this is MORE than acceptable. But when you are dating and looking for something everlasting, an erroneous grievance has taken place. Even in your temporal pleasures, which we all grow out of, be honest, you don't what a piece of a anything. You most likely wanted the whole but gave in to the less just to be able to say you had a small portion, i.e. less. No one is every completely happy in a temporary situation because it was not made to be permanent. It was never intended for you to capitalize on that moment and grow roots. It can by as a, as my girl Queen says, this ain't what you want, situation--walk away!! Every person on our path is not meant to be our travel companion. Say hello and keep walking.
The norm has become the acceptance of less because we don't want enough anymore. It used to be that if we couldn't have it all we would walk away, worth and value still in tack. But now we cling to less. Devalued, broken, and completely lying to ourselves.
The gig is up. The cover is blown. Until I have more, I want nothing at all...
We've been bamboozled. Somewhere in the exchange less has become better. The less money you have the more help you can get from a system intended to keep you in a system. The less clothes you wear the more exotic you feel and empowered you believe yourself to be. The less he gives, more you believe he loves. The less you hours and days we work, the more we desire. The less time we have, the more we fall away.
In all things, less by no means is more. Less is in fact, well, less. By definition the word less can be an adverb or an adjective which means it can add to the meaning of a verb or describe the degree of situation. But one thing both means have in common is the first definition: [to a] smaller extent, amount, degree. Less is small in amount and degree. We have accepted the small amount of thought as grand and the small about of degree as exceptional.
For instance, in a relationship is has become a common practice to accept less in all categories. The less can be applied to any part of the relationship: less attention, less time, less commitment, less personality, less values, less morals, less responsibilities, less, less, less. In common perception is less is better than none. Yet what one fails to realize that the less is none because all of the lesses (yeah I made up a word--I can do that!!) still never make up one. It is impossible to have 1/3 of anything and still be considered complete. No, it's not done; it's not whole. It's not one. You can't add particles to get a crumb and why in the world would you want just a crumb? I'm baffled.
Honesty, life is more than piecing crumbs together to make a meal. When funds are in between and groceries low, this is MORE than acceptable. But when you are dating and looking for something everlasting, an erroneous grievance has taken place. Even in your temporal pleasures, which we all grow out of, be honest, you don't what a piece of a anything. You most likely wanted the whole but gave in to the less just to be able to say you had a small portion, i.e. less. No one is every completely happy in a temporary situation because it was not made to be permanent. It was never intended for you to capitalize on that moment and grow roots. It can by as a, as my girl Queen says, this ain't what you want, situation--walk away!! Every person on our path is not meant to be our travel companion. Say hello and keep walking.
The norm has become the acceptance of less because we don't want enough anymore. It used to be that if we couldn't have it all we would walk away, worth and value still in tack. But now we cling to less. Devalued, broken, and completely lying to ourselves.
The gig is up. The cover is blown. Until I have more, I want nothing at all...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Soldier Knows the Battle of the Heart is Not Easily Won...
In light of my last post, I gotta come clean. This will probably be the most personal blog I will every post. I had a near 2 hour conversation with one of the besties last night and it was so enlightening. Through discourse, I discovered I was lying to myself. So here's the story:
I have this amazing guy friend, "N." When I say amazing, I mean amazing. (They say if you say it twice it's really true!!) He's the first guy that I can have a serious no holds bar dialogue with. I mean we don't hold back; if it's happening, it's fair conversation. He understands and challenges my complexities and then constantly reminds me I deserve more than I sometimes allow myself to believe. My list of loves about N are quite lengthy: his intelligence, genuine care, confidence, and importantly how and loves and cares for his daughters are just a few. It's almost like I have been waiting for this friendship my whole life. The connection is not simple; it's more. Yes more. Anything that you can think of in a friendship add more and you got N. Of course with the more he is the more I want to know about him. He's super onion--gotta peel those layers back delicately.
As I spilled all this info to the bestie her attentive ears hear what I couldn't. That's the thing about a lie; sometimes it takes the vision of others to see. As it is said, "the eye cannot see itself but by some means of reflection." She was my reflection. My truth. Maybe I have more feelings for N than I allow myself to see. As bestie puts it, I prefer to take the limit of friendship rather than take the potential risk of relationship. I'm comfortable in the friendship zone. I chose to keep my "other" feelings in the other column. I prefer to keep the friend. I don't want to label this and gain a loss. But bestie says if I take the risk and it doesn't work then I deserve the right to release and move on to make myself available to opportunities.
Now my heart isn't naive. I know the chemistry is mutual, the extent, I'm not sure. But sly tongues in conversation has revealed the heart's intent. But will it ever be? Do I honestly want to lose N with because of a label? How come I can't keep the imaginary line in the sky and stay on this side? I am by no means waiting for N to make the transition, as well I am not pushing the transition. I believe in the natural progression of things. It may happen, it may not. The question thus becomes will I wait and see??
The probability of N reading this blog is beyond the 90th percentile, but honestly I don't think I'm revealing anything he doesn't already know...
I have this amazing guy friend, "N." When I say amazing, I mean amazing. (They say if you say it twice it's really true!!) He's the first guy that I can have a serious no holds bar dialogue with. I mean we don't hold back; if it's happening, it's fair conversation. He understands and challenges my complexities and then constantly reminds me I deserve more than I sometimes allow myself to believe. My list of loves about N are quite lengthy: his intelligence, genuine care, confidence, and importantly how and loves and cares for his daughters are just a few. It's almost like I have been waiting for this friendship my whole life. The connection is not simple; it's more. Yes more. Anything that you can think of in a friendship add more and you got N. Of course with the more he is the more I want to know about him. He's super onion--gotta peel those layers back delicately.
As I spilled all this info to the bestie her attentive ears hear what I couldn't. That's the thing about a lie; sometimes it takes the vision of others to see. As it is said, "the eye cannot see itself but by some means of reflection." She was my reflection. My truth. Maybe I have more feelings for N than I allow myself to see. As bestie puts it, I prefer to take the limit of friendship rather than take the potential risk of relationship. I'm comfortable in the friendship zone. I chose to keep my "other" feelings in the other column. I prefer to keep the friend. I don't want to label this and gain a loss. But bestie says if I take the risk and it doesn't work then I deserve the right to release and move on to make myself available to opportunities.
Now my heart isn't naive. I know the chemistry is mutual, the extent, I'm not sure. But sly tongues in conversation has revealed the heart's intent. But will it ever be? Do I honestly want to lose N with because of a label? How come I can't keep the imaginary line in the sky and stay on this side? I am by no means waiting for N to make the transition, as well I am not pushing the transition. I believe in the natural progression of things. It may happen, it may not. The question thus becomes will I wait and see??
The probability of N reading this blog is beyond the 90th percentile, but honestly I don't think I'm revealing anything he doesn't already know...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
The WORST Lie
So wrong is wrong. Really there are no degrees of wrong. Just like a lie. A lie is a lie. No matter how you spin it, or where you tell it; a lie is a lie. But you wanna know the worst lie you can EVER tell? Drum roll please....the worst lie you can ever tell is to yourself. Yep that's the monstrous fault. No matter what it is you are lying to yourself about--your weight, height, social status, emotions, etc, lying to yourself is absolutely the danger zone.
The moment you have to lie to yourself in order to justify your actions or the lack there of, you have alienated all truth. I know you hear me speak on truth often, but it is a major principle missing in the heart of the 21st century. Understand the truth exists despite one's refusal to accept it; it's always there waiting for your arrival. We have adapted to justification of lies as the new black. We are without a doubt excuseless in our negative actions because of the power of choice. We have the ability to choose this day whom we shall be and become. It's all a matter of choice.
The power of choice is the common denominator of human kind. Despite our background; rich, poor, brown, cream, short, tall, round, slim..we all have choice. The moment we justify lies or negative actions we disseminate the power of truth. It becomes hidden and hard to find. It fades from the eyes, shaded by slime; the buildup of lies. It becomes like searching for new pennies in the mud; you can't see it, you may know it my touch, but you aren't quite sure.
Like any negativity, the magnetic force of lies grows and draws other lies near. In other words, when you tell one, you gotta tell another. Lying is the fastest way to ruin any relationship. And when we lie to self, we create a disconnect within. You sense of reality, of possibility, and as earlier mentioned truth. Your confidence becomes this false sense of reality only stroked by lies. You become depend on the false to create what you believe to be the truth. I know it sounds like I'm talking in circles, but that's what a lie does--move in circles making NO forward progression. Caution--major, major danger!!! Life is meant to go to a destiny. It is impossible to reach destiny if you are lying to you.
I'll be the first to admit my faults. I don't make 100 everyday--some days it's a good 90 others times I range in the 75%..hey I'm being honest. That's the beauty of life. Folks love you when they can see you...and surprisingly you can love yourself greater when you can see you too.
The moment you have to lie to yourself in order to justify your actions or the lack there of, you have alienated all truth. I know you hear me speak on truth often, but it is a major principle missing in the heart of the 21st century. Understand the truth exists despite one's refusal to accept it; it's always there waiting for your arrival. We have adapted to justification of lies as the new black. We are without a doubt excuseless in our negative actions because of the power of choice. We have the ability to choose this day whom we shall be and become. It's all a matter of choice.
The power of choice is the common denominator of human kind. Despite our background; rich, poor, brown, cream, short, tall, round, slim..we all have choice. The moment we justify lies or negative actions we disseminate the power of truth. It becomes hidden and hard to find. It fades from the eyes, shaded by slime; the buildup of lies. It becomes like searching for new pennies in the mud; you can't see it, you may know it my touch, but you aren't quite sure.
Like any negativity, the magnetic force of lies grows and draws other lies near. In other words, when you tell one, you gotta tell another. Lying is the fastest way to ruin any relationship. And when we lie to self, we create a disconnect within. You sense of reality, of possibility, and as earlier mentioned truth. Your confidence becomes this false sense of reality only stroked by lies. You become depend on the false to create what you believe to be the truth. I know it sounds like I'm talking in circles, but that's what a lie does--move in circles making NO forward progression. Caution--major, major danger!!! Life is meant to go to a destiny. It is impossible to reach destiny if you are lying to you.
I'll be the first to admit my faults. I don't make 100 everyday--some days it's a good 90 others times I range in the 75%..hey I'm being honest. That's the beauty of life. Folks love you when they can see you...and surprisingly you can love yourself greater when you can see you too.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Dating The Real You
I had an interesting conversation on yahoo IM with a friend today. She asked a random question in the middle of a dialogue about actively reading. The question was something to this effect: "Is is okay to order endless shrimp on the first date?" At first I was prepared with my polite statement.."ummm I don't think that's a good idea.." But then I then I realized why fake the funk??
Seriously think about it, why create an appearance you have NO desire to keep up??? I don't know about you, but my time is precious and I have no desire to add extra work into my already crowded schedule. I mean I don't see the point of endless shrimp anyway! One meal is plenty, but that's not the point of this post.
I know there are people under the impression that you must put your best foot forward in the dating world. I'm sure there're specific guidelines of dating that I am breaking, but oh well. If you want fantasy try another blog! I'm under the impression you have got to be yourself. Maybe that's why I haven't had the best of luck in the dating world! But why go through the hoops to make a impression that is false? I have no desire to wake up in the morning to meet a new person after the newness has worn thin and off when that new person can be himself from the beginning.
In all my learning one of the things I value the most is how I have learned to me. Maybe that's why I'm single. I refuse to be anyone else than the real me. The me with the good, the ugly and the in between!! I'll just stay here and be the real me, even if I means I walk alone for awhile.
Seriously think about it, why create an appearance you have NO desire to keep up??? I don't know about you, but my time is precious and I have no desire to add extra work into my already crowded schedule. I mean I don't see the point of endless shrimp anyway! One meal is plenty, but that's not the point of this post.
I know there are people under the impression that you must put your best foot forward in the dating world. I'm sure there're specific guidelines of dating that I am breaking, but oh well. If you want fantasy try another blog! I'm under the impression you have got to be yourself. Maybe that's why I haven't had the best of luck in the dating world! But why go through the hoops to make a impression that is false? I have no desire to wake up in the morning to meet a new person after the newness has worn thin and off when that new person can be himself from the beginning.
In all my learning one of the things I value the most is how I have learned to me. Maybe that's why I'm single. I refuse to be anyone else than the real me. The me with the good, the ugly and the in between!! I'll just stay here and be the real me, even if I means I walk alone for awhile.
Friday, September 2, 2011
My Daddy
At the beginning of month my mother and I drove to ATL to visit my dad. I was excited to see him, but not that excited to visit ATL in August! Maneee Georgia in August is a heat box. The sun burns through the skin with vengeance!!! But my daddy is worth it all.
I wish I could say that my relationship with my dad has been the greatest, but truth be told it has had its share of valley experiences. My dad moved to Georgia when I was about 6 yrs old. I rarely saw him. Throughout my childhood I wondered why I wasn't like other kids who had dads. It was something my young mind couldn't understand. It was like as I grew the concept of a dad grew further away from me. I saw and heard less of him and of his side of the family. I wondered why no one ever cared about the great things I did in school. You know the moment in 4th grade when you won the essay writing contest and you look in the crowd hoping to see more than just your mom's bright loving smile. You know the moment at graduation 8th grade, high school, when you look in the group for a familiar old face only to be disappointed--he wasn't there. My mom and siblings were the only people who showed up at my high school graduation. That night I truly cried like I had never cried before. It was almost a confirmation of my loneliness. I clearly remember I was supposed to go to my friend's graduation party that night, but I didn't go--why--because I couldn't stomach her happiness. Her entire family was there supporting her and mines couldn't even pretend to care.
Yep that's how I felt and it has taken me years to heal and hear. Hear the truth of the matter and accept the consequences of life choices. The truth is, I can't blame. My dad made his choices at that moment and so did I BUT I have the choice not the stay in that place of hurt and angry if I so choose. I cannot grow in one aspect of my life and be dead in the other. Impossible. To grow meant I had to reach out to my dad with a clear and willing heart open to love in spite of, yes in spite of. The hardest thing to do is to love someone for who they really are, not who you want them to be.
Of course I wanted my dad to be dad in my life, but it at that moment he couldn't I still had to love him. And I do. I love my daddy. I won't replace him for the world. I take it all, because all if has gotten us to this wonderful place we are today. We have a loving, growing relationship. I try to make it to Georgia at least once a year to see him. We both look forward to those moments. We talk on the phone at least once a week and never end a conversation without saying I love you. The beginning was rough, the middle mushy, but the right now is amazing! I'm 31 yrs old and head over heels for my daddy.
I have new memories to replace the old....driving 45 mins. to This is it! just for some of their amazing bbq chicken and peach cobbler only to get lost on the way back because Dad fell asleep while I was driving!!! He keep telling me to drive straight...I just laughed when he woke up and we both had NO clue where we were!! Me telling Dad I was going to go out with my cousins and him look at me with sad eyes...I called my cousins to tell them I changed my mind...I was staying home with Dad tonight. Me telling him I wouldn't be able to make it to Georgia this summer. He said he understood and that he loved me. A day later I was ringing his doorbell. He answered the door with the biggest grin on his face I had ever seen. He was speechless with excitement and frankly so was I.
I wish I could say that my relationship with my dad has been the greatest, but truth be told it has had its share of valley experiences. My dad moved to Georgia when I was about 6 yrs old. I rarely saw him. Throughout my childhood I wondered why I wasn't like other kids who had dads. It was something my young mind couldn't understand. It was like as I grew the concept of a dad grew further away from me. I saw and heard less of him and of his side of the family. I wondered why no one ever cared about the great things I did in school. You know the moment in 4th grade when you won the essay writing contest and you look in the crowd hoping to see more than just your mom's bright loving smile. You know the moment at graduation 8th grade, high school, when you look in the group for a familiar old face only to be disappointed--he wasn't there. My mom and siblings were the only people who showed up at my high school graduation. That night I truly cried like I had never cried before. It was almost a confirmation of my loneliness. I clearly remember I was supposed to go to my friend's graduation party that night, but I didn't go--why--because I couldn't stomach her happiness. Her entire family was there supporting her and mines couldn't even pretend to care.
Yep that's how I felt and it has taken me years to heal and hear. Hear the truth of the matter and accept the consequences of life choices. The truth is, I can't blame. My dad made his choices at that moment and so did I BUT I have the choice not the stay in that place of hurt and angry if I so choose. I cannot grow in one aspect of my life and be dead in the other. Impossible. To grow meant I had to reach out to my dad with a clear and willing heart open to love in spite of, yes in spite of. The hardest thing to do is to love someone for who they really are, not who you want them to be.
Of course I wanted my dad to be dad in my life, but it at that moment he couldn't I still had to love him. And I do. I love my daddy. I won't replace him for the world. I take it all, because all if has gotten us to this wonderful place we are today. We have a loving, growing relationship. I try to make it to Georgia at least once a year to see him. We both look forward to those moments. We talk on the phone at least once a week and never end a conversation without saying I love you. The beginning was rough, the middle mushy, but the right now is amazing! I'm 31 yrs old and head over heels for my daddy.
I have new memories to replace the old....driving 45 mins. to This is it! just for some of their amazing bbq chicken and peach cobbler only to get lost on the way back because Dad fell asleep while I was driving!!! He keep telling me to drive straight...I just laughed when he woke up and we both had NO clue where we were!! Me telling Dad I was going to go out with my cousins and him look at me with sad eyes...I called my cousins to tell them I changed my mind...I was staying home with Dad tonight. Me telling him I wouldn't be able to make it to Georgia this summer. He said he understood and that he loved me. A day later I was ringing his doorbell. He answered the door with the biggest grin on his face I had ever seen. He was speechless with excitement and frankly so was I.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Golden Nuggets
So I think that everybody is crazy, but me. Yeah I'm on this one man island trying to understand why the heck I am so different. I never really had friends when I was younger; I've always been a loner. The few friends I did have are still a part of my life today. But even with friends I feel alone. Nobody understands the out lavish sane thoughts that run through my head. I know I have such a deep connection with God it would scare most folks. Maybe that's it; I have scared them away. So I thought I would share some small nuggets of my radical sanity:
1. You don't have haters. Really you don't. Jealousy is a live action, but most folks don't have haters. If more than three people are saying the same thing about you, it's call TRUTH! Try the words by your actions. If five people say you are mean, I bet you are mean. So stop calling them haters and change your nasty attitude.
2. Some things are really that simple. Honestly they are. Temptation can be resisted; it's a matter of choice behavior. Yeah you decided you were going to flirt with ol boy and you know he was married--oops did I just say that??
3. The truth works. It's like that peroxide your mom used to pour on that cut on your knee. Sure it stung when she poured it on for like 3 seconds, but then you were okay. The truth has the ability to clean deep wounds and hurts. Try it.
4. Phoniness is a chore! I don't have time to keep up appearances. Like a girdle, you gotta breathe easy at some point in it. Just let it out. If you don't like so and so just stay away from her until you can be nice without it being laborious. Be polite because you want to NOT because you think you have it. I can't say it enough--try the TRUTH.
5. I'm a liberal conservative. Paradox, huh? See my mind is a constant machine of perplexing thoughts. For example, I LOVE my tatoos, but I must keep them covered in specific places like church, work, etc. I believe all people deserve respect and love, but....(yeah I'm going to keep that fire starter to myself)
6. I know I'm smart. Yep. Not just book start either. I have a thirst for knowledge that is un quenching. When I learn I always want more. But with all my smarts, I can make some dumb choices. In the end I learn from them, but I hate that I gotta wait tell the end to come to the knowledge of my error. But these choices, even the dumb ones have taught me major lessons. Yet I still hold some reserve about the dumb choices.
7. I have learned to love unconditionally. There's no secret, no magic pill. You just do. You let go of everything that you have been holding on too and just love with no limits. So what people act a fool, love anyway. So what dude cheated on you, love anyway. I am in no way advocating for you to do foolish things; listen to your heart, it knows right from wrong. All I am saying is that you must give love a chance. You don't have the power to change anyone; only God can do that. So don't take the burden. Just let love live within you.
8. Every day I miss my brother more and more. I don't know if I will ever stop missing him. I look at my niece and nephew and know my brother will never have the opportunity to raise his children. I really miss him and I know they miss him more. You never know how important the human voice is until you no longer hear it.
Oh and by the way, I know everybody ain't crazy....really it's just me.
1. You don't have haters. Really you don't. Jealousy is a live action, but most folks don't have haters. If more than three people are saying the same thing about you, it's call TRUTH! Try the words by your actions. If five people say you are mean, I bet you are mean. So stop calling them haters and change your nasty attitude.
2. Some things are really that simple. Honestly they are. Temptation can be resisted; it's a matter of choice behavior. Yeah you decided you were going to flirt with ol boy and you know he was married--oops did I just say that??
3. The truth works. It's like that peroxide your mom used to pour on that cut on your knee. Sure it stung when she poured it on for like 3 seconds, but then you were okay. The truth has the ability to clean deep wounds and hurts. Try it.
4. Phoniness is a chore! I don't have time to keep up appearances. Like a girdle, you gotta breathe easy at some point in it. Just let it out. If you don't like so and so just stay away from her until you can be nice without it being laborious. Be polite because you want to NOT because you think you have it. I can't say it enough--try the TRUTH.
5. I'm a liberal conservative. Paradox, huh? See my mind is a constant machine of perplexing thoughts. For example, I LOVE my tatoos, but I must keep them covered in specific places like church, work, etc. I believe all people deserve respect and love, but....(yeah I'm going to keep that fire starter to myself)
6. I know I'm smart. Yep. Not just book start either. I have a thirst for knowledge that is un quenching. When I learn I always want more. But with all my smarts, I can make some dumb choices. In the end I learn from them, but I hate that I gotta wait tell the end to come to the knowledge of my error. But these choices, even the dumb ones have taught me major lessons. Yet I still hold some reserve about the dumb choices.
7. I have learned to love unconditionally. There's no secret, no magic pill. You just do. You let go of everything that you have been holding on too and just love with no limits. So what people act a fool, love anyway. So what dude cheated on you, love anyway. I am in no way advocating for you to do foolish things; listen to your heart, it knows right from wrong. All I am saying is that you must give love a chance. You don't have the power to change anyone; only God can do that. So don't take the burden. Just let love live within you.
8. Every day I miss my brother more and more. I don't know if I will ever stop missing him. I look at my niece and nephew and know my brother will never have the opportunity to raise his children. I really miss him and I know they miss him more. You never know how important the human voice is until you no longer hear it.
Oh and by the way, I know everybody ain't crazy....really it's just me.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller
When I was younger, my brother loved that song I Wish by Skee-lo. You remember Skee-lo, little short yellow dude. If you don't remember him, def google or you-tube him to bring back those great 90's memories! So dude wanted to be a baller, you know like Mike. But what little boy didn't back when Mike of was in the peak of his career? I know my brother Taurus was CRAZY about Mike. Back to back championships, movies (Space Jam), and sneakers that EVERYONE had to have and still want! Every kid wanted to pick up a basketball to find his/her hoop dream. So where am I going with this one--well somehow that baller dream has morphed in being a rapper--yes a rapper. Why is it that, now I must be careful with my wording here, so many young men from ages 15 to 35 (yes I have met grown men who are full time rappers with no full time or part time job)want to be a rapper? I absolutely have no problem with the art form; in fact, I am a die hard Rick Ross fan. (I know, hard to believe, right?? I would spit some lyrics right now off the top of the dome, but I'll save it for another post!! LOL) But honestly, what happened to our dreams? I am in a bewildered state.
Something has gone wrong from fantasy to reality. Education is thought of as nonessential and everything in one's wildest imagination is seen as possible. Sure I wish I could sing and dance like Beyonce'(not really but that's the first comparison that popped into my head!!), but the reality is that I AM NOT B. You are not Lil Wayne, or any other high profile rapper nor should it be your dream to be. We have been living in the fantasy world of entertainment as priority when it is not intended to be that way. Entertainment's purpose in our lives is meant to be an option when availible not for you to blow your dreams and money on.
We don't teach our babies to dream anymore. We push them to excell in sports because we played star runningback from jfl to highschool or made the final shot for the state championship senior year. But we don't push them to read any and evey book they can get their hands on. We don't feed their love of learning when they are young. We tell them it's okay if you don't like school, just play basketball and do kinda okay in school so you can get a scholarship then leave college early so you can declare draft for the NBA. Did you know a black man has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than being in the NBA???
I in no way doubt the talent and skills of those who have made a career in the world of entertainment, but even entertainers know the field is a shark tank. The smart ones invest--Serena and Venus are minority owners of the Miami Dolphins not to mention their numerous investments in fashion. Jay-Z built his empire beyond rap--the Nets, Rocawear, etc. The point is that they used their public persona as a platform to attain their dreams. I'm sure along the way they educated themselves to make informed decisions.
BUT this is a minority in the universe. Others must take a less public profile to reach our dreams. It is NOTHING wrong with working and dreaming. In fact I work two jobs and then work on dream. I know it, my dream, will make room for me. I am quite positive it will come to fruition in due time. We must, we must teach our children to dream. Dream to be lawyers, doctors, teachers, engineers, therapist, inventors, dentist, etc. We must expose them to the possibilies beyond television, beyond popular entertainment. Teach them to influence the world by expanding their brains through education. High school is not enough. They must attend college and/or trade school. They must dream without limitations.
Our failure to teach other children to dream is a blatant disrespect to the many souls who willingly gave their lives so we COULD dream a reality.
Something has gone wrong from fantasy to reality. Education is thought of as nonessential and everything in one's wildest imagination is seen as possible. Sure I wish I could sing and dance like Beyonce'(not really but that's the first comparison that popped into my head!!), but the reality is that I AM NOT B. You are not Lil Wayne, or any other high profile rapper nor should it be your dream to be. We have been living in the fantasy world of entertainment as priority when it is not intended to be that way. Entertainment's purpose in our lives is meant to be an option when availible not for you to blow your dreams and money on.
We don't teach our babies to dream anymore. We push them to excell in sports because we played star runningback from jfl to highschool or made the final shot for the state championship senior year. But we don't push them to read any and evey book they can get their hands on. We don't feed their love of learning when they are young. We tell them it's okay if you don't like school, just play basketball and do kinda okay in school so you can get a scholarship then leave college early so you can declare draft for the NBA. Did you know a black man has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than being in the NBA???
I in no way doubt the talent and skills of those who have made a career in the world of entertainment, but even entertainers know the field is a shark tank. The smart ones invest--Serena and Venus are minority owners of the Miami Dolphins not to mention their numerous investments in fashion. Jay-Z built his empire beyond rap--the Nets, Rocawear, etc. The point is that they used their public persona as a platform to attain their dreams. I'm sure along the way they educated themselves to make informed decisions.
BUT this is a minority in the universe. Others must take a less public profile to reach our dreams. It is NOTHING wrong with working and dreaming. In fact I work two jobs and then work on dream. I know it, my dream, will make room for me. I am quite positive it will come to fruition in due time. We must, we must teach our children to dream. Dream to be lawyers, doctors, teachers, engineers, therapist, inventors, dentist, etc. We must expose them to the possibilies beyond television, beyond popular entertainment. Teach them to influence the world by expanding their brains through education. High school is not enough. They must attend college and/or trade school. They must dream without limitations.
Our failure to teach other children to dream is a blatant disrespect to the many souls who willingly gave their lives so we COULD dream a reality.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tiffany Nicole, MD
I loved the young Neil Patrick Harris in the budding medical drama Doogie Howser, MD. He was the child prodigy who tried to balance teen life and being a doctor. I don't know what it is about the show I loved, but I think the geek in me loved the idea of a kid having all the answers. Reminscing now, I see the errors of my young and innocent thought process. By no means do I want to know all the answers.
Sounds suspect, huh. But I'm being completely truthful. I don't want to know all the answers, I can see the temporal gladness knowing all the answers could bring.
Some many of my answers in life came from the very few, let me quit lying, the SEVERAL mistakes I have made along the way. It is by error I have learned the vaue of love and truth and life. Imagine if we knew all things at all times? Boy, no more surprise birthday parties! But seriously knowing all would be no more living. The great part of life is trust and trust takes risks, blind risks at that. That risk creates faith. That faith reassures us great benefits.
By no means am I encourging ignorance, infact it's quite the opposite. The search for truth and knowledge goes beyond just finding the answers and being a know-it-all. A part of knowledge is knowing timing. We must stop trying to diagnose it all. We must live in the sometime uncertainity that truth and love IS certain to appear and perform in its full capacity in its due time. Through a recent conversation with my Uncle Jeff I recieved these exact words.. "God made us human beings not human doers...stop doing and just be." Be the man or woman you are to be. Stop searcing for the answers to be and just be. I am no longer in fascination with finding all the answers; I am more focused on living to be the answer.
Sounds suspect, huh. But I'm being completely truthful. I don't want to know all the answers, I can see the temporal gladness knowing all the answers could bring.
Some many of my answers in life came from the very few, let me quit lying, the SEVERAL mistakes I have made along the way. It is by error I have learned the vaue of love and truth and life. Imagine if we knew all things at all times? Boy, no more surprise birthday parties! But seriously knowing all would be no more living. The great part of life is trust and trust takes risks, blind risks at that. That risk creates faith. That faith reassures us great benefits.
By no means am I encourging ignorance, infact it's quite the opposite. The search for truth and knowledge goes beyond just finding the answers and being a know-it-all. A part of knowledge is knowing timing. We must stop trying to diagnose it all. We must live in the sometime uncertainity that truth and love IS certain to appear and perform in its full capacity in its due time. Through a recent conversation with my Uncle Jeff I recieved these exact words.. "God made us human beings not human doers...stop doing and just be." Be the man or woman you are to be. Stop searcing for the answers to be and just be. I am no longer in fascination with finding all the answers; I am more focused on living to be the answer.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Rebellion
The 15th of July holds so many memories for me: my mom's birthday, my granny's birthday, my cousin's birthday and they day my brother was killed. This year my mom and I attended a gathering at my granny's. I so enjoyed myself, gotta love the family. Some how or another the discussion of my blog came up and one of my aunts asked me what it was called. I told her and she asked me if I was a rebel. Without a shadow of doubt I told her absolutely! In fact, I told her I break all the rules, aren't we supposed to??
I know, I know. Many of you are going to the extreme and immediately ponder the plethora of illegal activites I could be involved in...but take a small step back and change directions for a moment. Let's explore this concept of rebellion before you have me serving 15 to life for running an underground cocaine cartel!
By defintion rebellion is a noun, which means it is a "thing" which means resistance to authority or control or tradition. The form of this authority, control, or tradition could be several other nouns--parents, governments, ideals, the "norm," society, etc. So a rebel would be one who resists authority, control, or tradition. We tend to think of rebellion in a negative shade, but not I.
In its pure state we should all be rebels. Damn the MAN, whatever form of resistance he may take. Within us all we should desire the pursuit of truth. And to pursue the truth requires that we do the unpopular. Angela Davis says it best, "We all know the road to freedom is stalked by death." An injustice must die in order to make the truth more visible. Notice I said more visible. The truth always exists and needs no help to do so. But, it can be blurred by an injustice. So eradicating the injustice with allow the glow of truth to be seen from see to shining sea.
The heart of my rebellion is in the eradicating. I refuse to be quiet. When I have the urge to speak, I will do so, no matter who I am speaking to. I will rock boat, stir the pot, push the envelope,and etc. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be believe the lie that silence is golden in all situations. We sit back, fall into a mundane routine, complain of the woes of the world and do nothing. We care only for "our four and no more." We are miserbly happy--impossible, right? Nawww it's possible! We are happy because we have arrived to a position we believe is enough for mediocore survival and vacation. Our families are happy, healthy, and provided for yet our local communities are suffering. But we say, "it's not my fault. They had the same opportunities as I did." That's misery. When we can't help our brothers and sisters, that's misery. Not taking an active stand is defeat and misery. We willingly follow a system created to isolated and destroy.
We were created to fight for the truth at all cost. And I proudly take that honor.
Ok, yeah, alright...
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well...
...choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfied
Rebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
Lauryn Hill, MTV Unplugged
I know, I know. Many of you are going to the extreme and immediately ponder the plethora of illegal activites I could be involved in...but take a small step back and change directions for a moment. Let's explore this concept of rebellion before you have me serving 15 to life for running an underground cocaine cartel!
By defintion rebellion is a noun, which means it is a "thing" which means resistance to authority or control or tradition. The form of this authority, control, or tradition could be several other nouns--parents, governments, ideals, the "norm," society, etc. So a rebel would be one who resists authority, control, or tradition. We tend to think of rebellion in a negative shade, but not I.
In its pure state we should all be rebels. Damn the MAN, whatever form of resistance he may take. Within us all we should desire the pursuit of truth. And to pursue the truth requires that we do the unpopular. Angela Davis says it best, "We all know the road to freedom is stalked by death." An injustice must die in order to make the truth more visible. Notice I said more visible. The truth always exists and needs no help to do so. But, it can be blurred by an injustice. So eradicating the injustice with allow the glow of truth to be seen from see to shining sea.
The heart of my rebellion is in the eradicating. I refuse to be quiet. When I have the urge to speak, I will do so, no matter who I am speaking to. I will rock boat, stir the pot, push the envelope,and etc. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be believe the lie that silence is golden in all situations. We sit back, fall into a mundane routine, complain of the woes of the world and do nothing. We care only for "our four and no more." We are miserbly happy--impossible, right? Nawww it's possible! We are happy because we have arrived to a position we believe is enough for mediocore survival and vacation. Our families are happy, healthy, and provided for yet our local communities are suffering. But we say, "it's not my fault. They had the same opportunities as I did." That's misery. When we can't help our brothers and sisters, that's misery. Not taking an active stand is defeat and misery. We willingly follow a system created to isolated and destroy.
We were created to fight for the truth at all cost. And I proudly take that honor.
Ok, yeah, alright...
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well...
...choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfied
Rebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
Lauryn Hill, MTV Unplugged
Thursday, July 14, 2011
So I'm Single and I'm Suppose to love it?? I think NOT!!
Nothing about me is ordinary. I pride myself on walking to my own beat. Sometimes I use a drum sometimes it's all in my head. I have come to terms that my uniqueness is pure beauty. Yeah I'm a bit quirky and sometimes goofy but hey, I love it! And those who truly know me, love me for being Tiffany. In this complexity of Tiffany my mind is always on the go questioning the status quo and considering actions to rebel against the norm.
So I was thinking, why do people say they are single and loving it?? Let's drive straight down Truth Lane people! No man (in this case meaning human being) desires to be alone. We were created for relationships. In their true essence, a relationship is designed to bring quality and meaning to one's life. Now we have several types of relationships adding variety to our lives. We build these relationships and enjoy what they add to us. So why would we love being without an intimate relationship that could create history and legacy in our lives???
This concept of "loving it" puzzles me. Sure I enjoy all the relationships in my life; mother/daughter, friends, student/teacher, etc. Each one has a distinct role in my life and has helped to create the woman I am becoming. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in the principle of reciprocity and truth. I love the relationships that I have build and look forward to sharing my world with that "one" someday soon.
By no means does anyone love being single. I refuse to believe that version of truth,(which I believe is a lie). It is every single person's desire to create a love relationship, as well is it mines. BUT that doesn't mean I absolutely hate being single. To be it is just a chapter in my life book. Some chapters are a blink of an eye, others seem to stretch beyond, but I'm cool with it. My life book, as well as yours, is full of celebrations, tragedies, slips, dips, cruves, and green lights, and flashing caution signs. In all I don't regret one moment of it. I know there is so much for me to accomplish as in this single chapter of my book. Places for me to go, people for me to see, and a little shopping like I done lost my mind along the way!!! And most times it's on my babies---Sweet Pea, Snoodie, and Buddy. (Little cousin, niece and nephew. Occasionally I get it in for me too--gotta do it for the fans--I know I'm a handful!!)
Yet my point is this, yes I'm single. Do I love it, nawwwww not quite. And quite honestly that's okay. I refuse to allow the pressures of society or people to dictate what I know to be the TRUTH. It's all a part of this amazing thing called life. I'm A okay with being me! I'm content in the state I find myself in. Right now, this chapter ain't too bad!! In fact, I'm soooo happy being me. I love my life and the direction (FORWARD) that I am going. Just like any great read, I can't wait to get to the next chapter!! In due time, it will come when it will come. And it's timing will be perfect.
Until we meet again remember, it only takes ONE to start a revolution---get FREE!
So I was thinking, why do people say they are single and loving it?? Let's drive straight down Truth Lane people! No man (in this case meaning human being) desires to be alone. We were created for relationships. In their true essence, a relationship is designed to bring quality and meaning to one's life. Now we have several types of relationships adding variety to our lives. We build these relationships and enjoy what they add to us. So why would we love being without an intimate relationship that could create history and legacy in our lives???
This concept of "loving it" puzzles me. Sure I enjoy all the relationships in my life; mother/daughter, friends, student/teacher, etc. Each one has a distinct role in my life and has helped to create the woman I am becoming. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in the principle of reciprocity and truth. I love the relationships that I have build and look forward to sharing my world with that "one" someday soon.
By no means does anyone love being single. I refuse to believe that version of truth,(which I believe is a lie). It is every single person's desire to create a love relationship, as well is it mines. BUT that doesn't mean I absolutely hate being single. To be it is just a chapter in my life book. Some chapters are a blink of an eye, others seem to stretch beyond, but I'm cool with it. My life book, as well as yours, is full of celebrations, tragedies, slips, dips, cruves, and green lights, and flashing caution signs. In all I don't regret one moment of it. I know there is so much for me to accomplish as in this single chapter of my book. Places for me to go, people for me to see, and a little shopping like I done lost my mind along the way!!! And most times it's on my babies---Sweet Pea, Snoodie, and Buddy. (Little cousin, niece and nephew. Occasionally I get it in for me too--gotta do it for the fans--I know I'm a handful!!)
Yet my point is this, yes I'm single. Do I love it, nawwwww not quite. And quite honestly that's okay. I refuse to allow the pressures of society or people to dictate what I know to be the TRUTH. It's all a part of this amazing thing called life. I'm A okay with being me! I'm content in the state I find myself in. Right now, this chapter ain't too bad!! In fact, I'm soooo happy being me. I love my life and the direction (FORWARD) that I am going. Just like any great read, I can't wait to get to the next chapter!! In due time, it will come when it will come. And it's timing will be perfect.
Until we meet again remember, it only takes ONE to start a revolution---get FREE!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Waiting for Human Impossible
I have been having this desire to write the past few days and thought returning to blogging would be my best outlet. In fact, I have come up with some creative topic ideas and titles to accompany them. My problem seems to be with being consistent! I have these great ideas but I must learn to be committed to them. So here it goes....
This morning I read a status post from a friend that read: It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Immediately I began to thinking, but why? If we already know the truth what does it gain us to continue to live a lie?? This condition is the story of many of our lives. We perpetuate ill will upon ourselves. The longer we place ourselves in these situations, the longer we deny the power of truth its existence in our lives. Truth is a bad boy ya'll!!! It's momentary pain contains a life time of gain. Let's break this down...
The pain of truth comes from the recognition that a problem does exist. Removing ourselves from the state of denial can be a beast! But have more confidence in yourself. The great part is most times we already know what the problem is, yet some form of fear holds us back in denial. Whatever the case my be, you have more power than what you give yourself credit for. To lose is to gain. Lose fear, lose denial, and lose yourself to gain yourself. To gain yourself is more valuable than rubies, silver, and gold. Yes to take hold of who you are and live in your unique identity is priceless.
So why wait for someone else to release you? Release yourself. You are the one who holds you in bondage. You have the power to cancel your own debt. Why wait for a mere man to perform magic when you already see the truth?
This morning I read a status post from a friend that read: It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Immediately I began to thinking, but why? If we already know the truth what does it gain us to continue to live a lie?? This condition is the story of many of our lives. We perpetuate ill will upon ourselves. The longer we place ourselves in these situations, the longer we deny the power of truth its existence in our lives. Truth is a bad boy ya'll!!! It's momentary pain contains a life time of gain. Let's break this down...
The pain of truth comes from the recognition that a problem does exist. Removing ourselves from the state of denial can be a beast! But have more confidence in yourself. The great part is most times we already know what the problem is, yet some form of fear holds us back in denial. Whatever the case my be, you have more power than what you give yourself credit for. To lose is to gain. Lose fear, lose denial, and lose yourself to gain yourself. To gain yourself is more valuable than rubies, silver, and gold. Yes to take hold of who you are and live in your unique identity is priceless.
So why wait for someone else to release you? Release yourself. You are the one who holds you in bondage. You have the power to cancel your own debt. Why wait for a mere man to perform magic when you already see the truth?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I'm Still Waiting
It has been too long. Way too long. Perhaps somewhere in the time frame of seven months. In the lean time I joined facebook--oh the devil, lost weight, gained it back, losing some now, had money trouble, got out of money trouble, feel in love, and let love go. My life has been in plethora--overabundance. In its original form the term is actually a medical term meaning excess of bodily fluid. I have no clue where I learned that from, but I do know it's befitting for my life at the moment. It is the state of affairs for me. I have an overabundance of things and no place to fit those things, literally and figuratively speaking.
My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.
How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...
One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals but...it's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.
I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....
My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.
How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...
One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals but...it's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.
I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....
Friday, February 5, 2010
Paying Tribute
Since it is February, the month of love--in some many forms and ways--romantic, platonic, and historical, I thought I would pay so "love" to one of the greatest teachers I encountered in my life; Mr. Charles warr. Mr. Warr was my 4th grade teacher at Franklin Elementary School. Tall, dark, big lips, and short fro Mr. Warr always gained our attention. In part because many of us were from homes with single mothers that daddies rarely visited it was great to have a true male authoritative figure that paid attention to us.
He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.
"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.
Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...
"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.
I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.
In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.
In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!
He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.
"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.
Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...
"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.
I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.
In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.
In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Limiting the limitless
I have so much that I wanna say but it seems to be stuck. Somewhere between yesterday and today. Like it didn't wanna rise from its seductive slumber, cozy under warm winter fleece blankets.
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.
It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.
Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Token
So much has within the past month concerning me at the high school. I started back with my PR job, which is not the highlight of my career, but the job was given to me and I had no choice. I ain't when jobs become labors. I admit, I don't do the job well at all. I mean I do it half-ass. Seriously I do. I do the publication part great. Putting the news letter together and all that is like butter--easy on and off. But the other parts of the job just plain suck for me. So I took matters into my own hands and quit. Yep put in my letter of resignation and called it a d.a.y! I was so proud of myself for actually shutting my mouth and doing something positive. Besides the extra pay I get is well compensated with my night gig at the college. In fact what I make at the college is 50% more than the PR job! Now I can focus on my duties as a teacher..whew!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!
It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Happy 2010
I know, I know, I'm super duper late but Happy 2010 to all of my virtual world friends. May this year be all that you desire it to be. Take time to go beyond your "regular" yearly assessment and truly map your life. Make SMART goals. Goals that are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely
So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)
Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)
So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.
So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.
So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....
Monday, November 23, 2009
What was I thinking??
So apparently this morning I broke the cardinal rule (and didn't even know it). I was getting dressed for this short week, we have to work Monday & Tuesday then Teacher institute Wednesday, and my phone rings and I answered it. My ear hustling boyfriend who is still laying in the bed wakes up as I end my conversation:
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."
So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!
So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Advice
So earlier in the week I gave one of my senior classes an excerpt of Dr. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon University. I know you all heard of him; innovative man who turned the virtual world into reality and died last year at 47 years old. He shares some amazing things in his speech. I seemed to get more out of it than the kids. That happens sometimes. Information that I hope the would make a connection to goes right over their heads. Some days I seriously wonder what the ???? I was thinking deciding to become a teacher. But anyway, back to the speech! He shared one thing that really hit me dead between the eyes...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"
Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.
It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?
I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Voice Over
I've been head over heels into Sista Souljah's first book, No Disrespect. My girl picked it up for me years away when she heard Souljah speak at a college function. I picked it up back then and put it down because her first fiction piece, The Coldest Winter Ever had my attention. But at this juncture in my life its fitting. She tells about those who have made an impact in her life. Though she's a bit radical in thought, I really enjoy the read. Her syntax is amazing! She makes nonfiction, no matter the situation sound elegant! Seriously! Even her foul language sounds good! I love the way the words slide off of the page into my imagination!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!
The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.
So here's my first step into the unknown!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Happy One Year to Me!!!
It's official...have been blogging for a full year. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with it. Thanks Art for getting me hooked on blogging. Without you I wouldn't be the writer I have become today! Happy year to me!!!
It's been too long...
I haven't blogged in weeks. Don't know why. Maybe it's the two jobs, S.O., and other social aspects that have been in the way..LOL. Seriously the two jobs are making me work hard! I love them but it is a difficult task. I wish that I could quit the full time and work two part times, but don't think that's gonna happen soon!!! My guy says that I can't quit working because I'm not in the prime of my life. So I told him he has got to hit it big or win the lottery so I can work part time and write full time..he smiled and said he would get right on it!!!
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!
Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The List
I thought it only befitting that I shared my list since I did talk about it yesterday. It's just a list. I am not saying I am committed to following through on anything on it at this point in my life. Although I have three tattoos I would love more. I just can't seem to justify the spending the extra cashola on a tat when it could go some place else with immediate benefits, like the house or even car. Both had projects that need to come started or finished. Anywhoo amuse my imagination:
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.
2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.
3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.
4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL
5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.
6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3
7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!
8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!
9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!
So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Free Falling
While on my addiction, in laymen's terms Facebook, I read a post my a friend's wall. It was a well known quote, Leap and the net will appear. I really like it. Like really, really like it. I'm definitely adding it to my list of sayings to get tatooed on my body. Digress Yes I gotta list. Some of the them will never made the cut, literally, but I just like having the list. At the moment I'm planning to get a bible versus in hebrew. I know, I know. Some people don't agree with my love of body art which I can respect. But it's my love, my body, and I have to live with it. Now back to the subject at hand!
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.
Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.
I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!
So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I was thinking...
So Imma avid reader of SBM.net, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...
So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.
If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??
So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Come get this pleasure
I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.
The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.
In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Fight
It was a knock down, drag out. Seriously we were an inch from breaking up I could go on forever about the cause, but I won't bore over the details any longer. I don't even wanna give life to them. It was resolved, we both apologized--not just one of those blank Im sorry, but I'm sorry for _______. Which made me feel so much better. One thing I learned: when you say your done with it--no matter what it may be, be done. I told him I took his word on the issue, and it's a dead issue now. He really appreciated me for saying it. And I thought it was amazing that I was able to say it.
My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.
Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...
My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.
Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tired
This morning I feel as if I haven't sleep in days, when in actuality I have. In fact been going to bed at no later than 11 PM each night, but I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Even my emotions are going through a roller coaster. Despite it all I'm determined to push myself beyond the way I feel. That's what life is about, right--pushing it to the limits. I don't know my limits in some areas yet, but in others I am fully aware of where I am willing NOT to go.
I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...
I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:
I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt
I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah
I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It Was a Good Trip
So this past weekend I flew to MN to see my baby. We got off to a very rough start. I mean rough!! We argued while I was at Midway before the plane departed and we had a nice silent ride when I arrived. But it comes with the territory! I really enjoyed just being his is company. One night we just chilled; he watched ESPN and I messed around on Facebook. I realized I had missed him so much and this distance thing was a lot for me. I know I can survive it but it is going to be a work in progress. I know that both of us could be so much better if we were closer in distance. Honestly it does make a difference when you are 10 minutes away versus 900 miles. Yeah just about 900 miles..a 2 1/2 hour drive to Chicago then an hour flight and I'm there in half the time, but when that is not an easy sojourn!
This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.
We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it comes...one moment at a time!
This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.
We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it comes...one moment at a time!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Haven't Done This in Awhile.....A Piece of a Short Story
She didn't lift her head. Just went on nibbling the cheese off the wax paper. It wasn't that fresh gooey cheeseburger cheese either. This cheese had time to get harden to a cold clump. The burger had been in my bag for about two hours. I bought fresh from the drive through but got so caught up grading papers I'd forgot I had it stashed on top of all the other forgotten items in my purse. There was no way I was going to carry a cheeseburger into the office. My internal eyes knew someone would see this plus sized frame and give the side eye. A small slip of the mental conversation he or she wanted to have with me. Yeah all of this was going through my head as I watched her diligently eat it all. I had to stop myself from starring but of course it was too late.
She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.
"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.
"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.
Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.
I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.
The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?
"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.
"Okay. What kind of help do you need."
"Every kind."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!
She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.
"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.
"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.
Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.
I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.
The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?
"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.
"Okay. What kind of help do you need."
"Every kind."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Debrief...I Found It
I know, I know. I promised to give the details of teaching my first community college class. Sorry I have been super tired from trying to adjust to the new schedule and the fact that I have to be at work all and sometimes all night...what happened to those summer days????
Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.
Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.
Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.
Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Did I Say I Was Nervous...
Well I am! Seriously I feel a calm about the situation but at the same time my mind is going a mile a minute! Tonight will be the first class of the night course I teach at the local community college. I went on the final details of my syllabus, made all the needed changes and now all I have to do is print. I decided to print it off on purple paper but I don't wanna be the obsessive instructor that color codes everything so I will tread lightly---I promise! But I'm in overdrive thinking of all the details that I might have missed along the way. Just trying to make sure all my basics are covered for the first day. It's my worst fear that I am going to forget something important!
On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.
So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!
On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.
So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Aww..Friday is here!
Yes, yes it is finally arrived, beloved Friday. The day we all look forward to on Monday!!! Thus far my Friday has been filled with great things. School's out. We are operating on a "heat schedule" (though at the moment it is raining) until after Labor Day so school is dismissed at 1:45. My classes were really good. I taught bell to bell (when the bell rings to begin and then to dismiss) and I had all the student's attention! I'm so proud of myself. I know it is only the beginning, but good starts lead to great finishes!!!
I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)
I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....
And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!
I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)
I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....
And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Don't Carry Nothing That Might Be a Load...
So I'm partially addicted to Facebook. I say partially because I don't get all into the extra stuff you can do like sorrity life, farmville, etc. I just wanna keep up with those I have lost contact along the way and most importantly be semi-noise. I care how your life has been going but.....the point (oh yeah let me get back to it) is that my girl Queen had these lyrics posted on her wall and it totally got me thinking.
First it has been forever since I seen The Wiz. I know everyone is on a MJ kick and maybe it's a flick I might try to go find in the next week or so. But really struck me was the revelation of those simple words. ..
Come on And
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
come on, Ease on down, Ease on down the road
don't you carry nothing that might be a load come on, Ease on down Ease on down, down the road
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road
Pick your left foot up, when your right foots down
Come on lets keep moving and don't you lose the ground
You just keep on Keepin' on the road that you choose
Don't you give up walking cause you gave up shoes
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road
Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the....
For there may be times, when you wish you wasn't born
And you wake one morning just to find your courage gone
but you know that feeling only last a little while
you just stick with us we'll show you how to smile (yeah)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down(ease on down the road)
Get 'em up Get 'em up (ease on down the road)
I mean what else is there to say??? The lyrics along speak for themselves! As I walked into my classroom today (yes today was my first official day back--mixed feelings) I decided that I don't have to carry the burdens that were not my own. This year in order to be the best teacher I gotta be the best person all around. This means I gotta relieve my back of loads that I had no business carrying in the first place.
First it has been forever since I seen The Wiz. I know everyone is on a MJ kick and maybe it's a flick I might try to go find in the next week or so. But really struck me was the revelation of those simple words. ..
Come on And
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
come on, Ease on down, Ease on down the road
don't you carry nothing that might be a load come on, Ease on down Ease on down, down the road
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road
Pick your left foot up, when your right foots down
Come on lets keep moving and don't you lose the ground
You just keep on Keepin' on the road that you choose
Don't you give up walking cause you gave up shoes
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road
Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the....
For there may be times, when you wish you wasn't born
And you wake one morning just to find your courage gone
but you know that feeling only last a little while
you just stick with us we'll show you how to smile (yeah)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down(ease on down the road)
Get 'em up Get 'em up (ease on down the road)
I mean what else is there to say??? The lyrics along speak for themselves! As I walked into my classroom today (yes today was my first official day back--mixed feelings) I decided that I don't have to carry the burdens that were not my own. This year in order to be the best teacher I gotta be the best person all around. This means I gotta relieve my back of loads that I had no business carrying in the first place.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Value
According to the justice system, human life has no value. NFL quarterback Donte Stallworth received 30 days for killing a 59 year old pedestrian while driving drunk but Michael Vick served 18 months for running a dog fighting ring. I don't get it. Put all the monetary issues aside and really consider this situation, human vs animal. I understand some people value their pets but I'm quite sure it hurt me most to lose my brother than our puppy. In fact I forgot about losing the pup until about an hour ago, but I will never forget that brother was killed.
What a sad state. Human life has lost its value. This man killed a man. Not slightly injured. Mr. Mario Reyes will never be seen, touched, or heard again. Though the same can be said for those poor dogs but there are more dogs. In fact the animal shelter has to euthanize dogs everyday because there are no homes for them and little fuss is made.
Though I am the ultimate Falcon fan in no way am I justifying Vick's actions. Just pointing out the inconsistencies in life.....
What a sad state. Human life has lost its value. This man killed a man. Not slightly injured. Mr. Mario Reyes will never be seen, touched, or heard again. Though the same can be said for those poor dogs but there are more dogs. In fact the animal shelter has to euthanize dogs everyday because there are no homes for them and little fuss is made.
Though I am the ultimate Falcon fan in no way am I justifying Vick's actions. Just pointing out the inconsistencies in life.....
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Over and Over
Gotta say things are getting better for me. Since Saturday I have had a great release and I'm realizing not going to see Old Flame was a good thing for me. I did some work at my church and I heard a song that really pushed me into my sunshine. I realized there is a bright sun after the clouds.....
Vashawn Mitchell featuring Kim Burrell Over and Over
Over and over I ask myself what am I still doing here
Continually to continue to wake me up again
What am I still doing here, that is the question
I ask myself, what am I still doing here?
These are the questions in my head,
Lord I'm asking for your help to find myself
my life you kept
You keep loving me, when I couldn't even love myself
You forgive me when I do wrong over and over again
You chastise me, Lord you put me back in my place
That's how you show me you love me over and over again
So there must be a reason why I'm still here
It is evident and it is so clear
There is a calling,calling on my life
A higher calling, that's why I gave you my life
Vashawn Mitchell featuring Kim Burrell Over and Over
Over and over I ask myself what am I still doing here
Continually to continue to wake me up again
What am I still doing here, that is the question
I ask myself, what am I still doing here?
These are the questions in my head,
Lord I'm asking for your help to find myself
my life you kept
You keep loving me, when I couldn't even love myself
You forgive me when I do wrong over and over again
You chastise me, Lord you put me back in my place
That's how you show me you love me over and over again
So there must be a reason why I'm still here
It is evident and it is so clear
There is a calling,calling on my life
A higher calling, that's why I gave you my life
Friday, August 7, 2009
Self Sabatoge
So I'm supposed to fly up North to see Old Flame tomorrow (Saturday, but I don't think I am going to go. Why? I have no clue. I'm at a point in my life where I am broken. I have lost some motivation over the past few months. I'm not lost, but I'm not found by no means. I think about my brother everyday. The slightest thing can make me emotional. Like to the point where I cry!
My Aunt says it's God trying to get my attention. He's waiting for me to turn back to Him and really fall before Him. I do agree. My spirit is lacking a bit. I am the first to admit. I have fallen off on my personal relationship with God. I was so much more attentive to it, but lately it has been like everything else getting less than what it deserves.
I also am having second thoughts about Old Flame. I'm asking myself if this is what I really want. I don't feel like I have anything to offer at the moment. I found myself the other day totally doing things out of character just to get a rise out of him. In my mind I was flippin like, whooooaa this is not the Tiffany I know. He paid for my way to come see him but I don't wanna go. I want to go so that we can have a great face to face conversation but at the same time I am not sure about this. I think because I can all these wacky feelings going on in my mind and heart that being with him will only complicate my issues. And I don't need any more complexities at the moment.
So what is a girl to do?
My Aunt says it's God trying to get my attention. He's waiting for me to turn back to Him and really fall before Him. I do agree. My spirit is lacking a bit. I am the first to admit. I have fallen off on my personal relationship with God. I was so much more attentive to it, but lately it has been like everything else getting less than what it deserves.
I also am having second thoughts about Old Flame. I'm asking myself if this is what I really want. I don't feel like I have anything to offer at the moment. I found myself the other day totally doing things out of character just to get a rise out of him. In my mind I was flippin like, whooooaa this is not the Tiffany I know. He paid for my way to come see him but I don't wanna go. I want to go so that we can have a great face to face conversation but at the same time I am not sure about this. I think because I can all these wacky feelings going on in my mind and heart that being with him will only complicate my issues. And I don't need any more complexities at the moment.
So what is a girl to do?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Am I Needy?
So I worked the majority of the day moving into a new classroom across the hall from my current classroom. Though I'm not super excited about the move, I'm trying to be a team player, ya know. I made a bitch move in May and now I may be paying for it! Not one of my finest moments but I gotta deal with it. Being a bitch can be costly. Anyway that's so not the direction I intended to go with this post. But I may have to go back and explore the cost of being a bitch later in a post! Everything has a price, huh?
Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.
But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--
But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).
Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.
But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--
I can't breathe when you talk to me
I can't breathe when you're touching me
I suffocate when you're away from me
So much love you take from me
I'm goin outta my mind
But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).
I feel like I gotta hold on so tight so that I won't lose grip of this new thing in my life. Why I feel this way???? IDK Part of my is afraid of losing someone that I love so dear like I lost my brother. In my mind I know it's a totally different situation and person but my heart is so tender and afraid. Old Flame came at the time when I realized I had not dealt with my brother's death and I began to walk through the process. He has been so good during this time. He listens to me cry and helps me to "see" the situation and that sometimes I tend to be a bit harsh on myself.
So besides this transfer of fear I guess I'm looking at the coming months & wondering if I really want this relationship or I am trying to find a way to back out. Part of me is like I don't need this right now. Not being self-centered at all, I can basically have any man that I want. Being a single woman is a damn powerful situation! I can date and play the field. I can have my cake and eat it too! Been then done that and it's really not me. It gets tiring after a way. You just want one man to love you for who you are. So now that I have that why do I feel like I am being super needy with him.
Maybe the distance thing is playing with my mind. Do I think he has some chick up there, nope! I have no doubt in my mind that he only has eyes for me. That's not the issue. It's something that I can't seem to put my hands on right now. Something is making me wanna be all in his grill and I really don't wanna be all in his grill---if that makes sense!
Maybe it's the time. He has always been in and out of my life. But no matter where I was he always found me. Our high school time together was so puppy love and fresh. Then I went to college and we saw each other at odd places--gas stations, stoplights, etc. He even thought about moving back home. I was so focused on school that I didn't give him a lot of attention. I knew if I took my eye off school for one moment, it was over! I was a couple of steps away from wildin' out and I knew it! So I had to play him to the left in a little bit. So now that we are adults and the opportunity has presented itself again I don't wanna lose it so I hold on dearly to it all.
So what makes me think I am needy? Well the fact that I wanna talk to him any chance I get--lately 3 or 4 times a day. I don't care if the conversations are 8 minutes or 30 minutes. I just wanna hear his voice. It's odd to me too. I think something is wrong with me.......
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I'm Home!
So I made it in this morning from beautiful Atlanta, GA. The weather was super nice for my vaca and all was well--I take that back; it was a roller coaster of a trip.
#1 Touched down Saturday--one of the best flights I have ever taken total trip time 1:25 mins. But it took 2 hours to get to my dad's because of the traffic! 85 was down to one lane so we tried to take a different route and it was stand still traffic!!! I was in traffic longer than I was on the dang-on plane.
#2 Saturday night I spent with my cousins--got a little wasted. Take that back a lot wasted on Skyy vodka. I normally don't drink much but Skyy is so smooth you really don't realize how much you are drinking. Then went to the Waffle House. Trouble! I was soooooo sick the next day. I could barely move! I think it was the food. I was straight until I ate. I sleep the whole day--literally the whole day. It wasn't until Monday that I started feeling better.
#3 I had courage enough, after 8 trips down there, to finally start driving around by myself. I was soooo excited. Like a 16 yr. old with her L's! I drove my step-mom's truck everywhere! It was starting to feel like a second home!
#4 So I'm my dad's only child. He has been living in the ATL area since I was six. I started visiting him when I turned 14. Of course he takes care of me when I visit, but this visit was a little different. He bought me anything I wanted. Seriously! I didnt have to come out of pocket for anything. He even bought me a laptop----I KNOW! I was so shocked and excited that I got scared. It was like the still quiet before the storm.
#5 I love my cousins but damn! One has a BAD ass son! This little dude is an hell raiser! He doesn't want to got to the bathroom so he shits & pisses in corners of the house. Too much!
#6 Ate at my fav ATL area spot, This is it! I love that place! It's about 40 mins from my dad's house but damn it worth the drive!
#7 Got a phone call while on vaca asking me to work in the writing lab at the local community college. Way stoked! God is really showing me favor! I'll be teaching a night class there as well. I think this might be my time to shine! Watch out! They done gave me an opening now I'm about to kick some walls down so somebody can have a better view!
#8 My cousin made me miss my flight. I was highly pissed! I mean highly! Thankfully I got rescheduled for free. But if I had to pay then there was going to be hell to pay the piper! But now that I'm home I'm good! I know now not to depend on them suckas!
I'm back home chillin on the new laptop, hey it's kinda nice! I like! Imma relax and get ready to head up north in a few days to see Old Flame--I gotta see my baby! Then its back to work! Yuck!
#1 Touched down Saturday--one of the best flights I have ever taken total trip time 1:25 mins. But it took 2 hours to get to my dad's because of the traffic! 85 was down to one lane so we tried to take a different route and it was stand still traffic!!! I was in traffic longer than I was on the dang-on plane.
#2 Saturday night I spent with my cousins--got a little wasted. Take that back a lot wasted on Skyy vodka. I normally don't drink much but Skyy is so smooth you really don't realize how much you are drinking. Then went to the Waffle House. Trouble! I was soooooo sick the next day. I could barely move! I think it was the food. I was straight until I ate. I sleep the whole day--literally the whole day. It wasn't until Monday that I started feeling better.
#3 I had courage enough, after 8 trips down there, to finally start driving around by myself. I was soooo excited. Like a 16 yr. old with her L's! I drove my step-mom's truck everywhere! It was starting to feel like a second home!
#4 So I'm my dad's only child. He has been living in the ATL area since I was six. I started visiting him when I turned 14. Of course he takes care of me when I visit, but this visit was a little different. He bought me anything I wanted. Seriously! I didnt have to come out of pocket for anything. He even bought me a laptop----I KNOW! I was so shocked and excited that I got scared. It was like the still quiet before the storm.
#5 I love my cousins but damn! One has a BAD ass son! This little dude is an hell raiser! He doesn't want to got to the bathroom so he shits & pisses in corners of the house. Too much!
#6 Ate at my fav ATL area spot, This is it! I love that place! It's about 40 mins from my dad's house but damn it worth the drive!
#7 Got a phone call while on vaca asking me to work in the writing lab at the local community college. Way stoked! God is really showing me favor! I'll be teaching a night class there as well. I think this might be my time to shine! Watch out! They done gave me an opening now I'm about to kick some walls down so somebody can have a better view!
#8 My cousin made me miss my flight. I was highly pissed! I mean highly! Thankfully I got rescheduled for free. But if I had to pay then there was going to be hell to pay the piper! But now that I'm home I'm good! I know now not to depend on them suckas!
I'm back home chillin on the new laptop, hey it's kinda nice! I like! Imma relax and get ready to head up north in a few days to see Old Flame--I gotta see my baby! Then its back to work! Yuck!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Headed to ATL
The day has finally come for me to head to ATL. I'm sooo excited to see my daddy and my step-mom. I try to make it down there at least once a year. I know that seems so long between visits but hey we are in a recession. And besides I really only like to fly. Sit back relax and one hour and 45 minutes later we are in ATL. If I were to drive it like 11 hours...9 hours too long!!! But I'm excited about going. My BFF is going to. She just so happens to be engaged to my cousin and it is going to be the first time we are travelling together. The only time I really get to travel is in the summer because of work. Besides who like to take a trip only to take work with you and come back to more work!!
Though I'm uber (a step above super) excited about going I am still a little sadden. Old Flame does care about me going but he knows this is like my "last" trip for a while and he wanted to see me again before I go back to work. I'm trying to work my schedule to take one more trip before I head back to work on the 17th. It's gonna be tough. And I may have to bring work with me, which is never a pleasure. But I guess I will have to make it work if I do decide to go see him.
On the other hand, my lame a** laptop crashed again. Yes last summer the hard drive crashed and it has happened again! I can't decide if I want to get it fixed again or chalk it up to the game and purchase a new one. Cost effectiveness tells me it may be cheaper to have it repaired than buy a new one. But I can see the custom one right now. Me clicking away on the keys working out the details of this new book idea I got. I really got two concepts that I desperately need to get on paper. The information is swirling in my head the vanilla has mixed with the chocolate and its coming together but I gotta get it out. Why is "turning" the handle the hardest part??? I got this "stuff" in my creative mind and I don't take the time to get it out!! I'mma mess. I know that writing is a gift from God but I have not had the passion to pursue it like I used to. There's a big disconnect somewhere and I have yet to find it. Maybe this vaca will help to refocus on what I really want to do. I honestly believe my wealth is tied into my writing. Though I love teaching I have yet to meet the millionaire teacher!!!! LOL
At any rate I'm off!!! Maybe I'll come back with pics from the A! Deuces for about a week or so!
Though I'm uber (a step above super) excited about going I am still a little sadden. Old Flame does care about me going but he knows this is like my "last" trip for a while and he wanted to see me again before I go back to work. I'm trying to work my schedule to take one more trip before I head back to work on the 17th. It's gonna be tough. And I may have to bring work with me, which is never a pleasure. But I guess I will have to make it work if I do decide to go see him.
On the other hand, my lame a** laptop crashed again. Yes last summer the hard drive crashed and it has happened again! I can't decide if I want to get it fixed again or chalk it up to the game and purchase a new one. Cost effectiveness tells me it may be cheaper to have it repaired than buy a new one. But I can see the custom one right now. Me clicking away on the keys working out the details of this new book idea I got. I really got two concepts that I desperately need to get on paper. The information is swirling in my head the vanilla has mixed with the chocolate and its coming together but I gotta get it out. Why is "turning" the handle the hardest part??? I got this "stuff" in my creative mind and I don't take the time to get it out!! I'mma mess. I know that writing is a gift from God but I have not had the passion to pursue it like I used to. There's a big disconnect somewhere and I have yet to find it. Maybe this vaca will help to refocus on what I really want to do. I honestly believe my wealth is tied into my writing. Though I love teaching I have yet to meet the millionaire teacher!!!! LOL
At any rate I'm off!!! Maybe I'll come back with pics from the A! Deuces for about a week or so!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Can You Stand the Rain?
Yeah I know the title of another song. But this time it's not Mint Condition. It's New Edition. BTW they was the bomb on the BET Awards! Even BBD put it down! Okay back to the title...so I just got done talking to Old Flame and he was so excited that even though he was not in the best of moods talking to me managed to make him feel better. I smiled when he said this. To me what's the point of the conversation if it can't be personable, ya know?? I mean I don't think I told him anything special. I just reminded him that it will rain from time to time in our life; it's supposed to. But I'm in his corner and no matter what it is I'm hear to listen and support. He says that I'm the only woman who has never judged him and who really sees him for who he really is...I was so touched when he said those words.
That's what I'm here for, right? I mean the point of being in a relationship or building any relationship for that matter if you can't find solace and comfort in know that when it pours you have someone to hold the umbrella as you wonder to and fro? Honestly we all need somebody and I'm happy I could be that person for him. Today's conversation made he realize why I am falling in love with him. He is so transparent. He let's me see him as he is and he is not ashamed of the mistakes he has made because the are an instrumental part of the man he has become. I think that is such a rarity and I love it. It makes for real conversation and generally great communication. I don't mind getting wet with him on my side.......
That's what I'm here for, right? I mean the point of being in a relationship or building any relationship for that matter if you can't find solace and comfort in know that when it pours you have someone to hold the umbrella as you wonder to and fro? Honestly we all need somebody and I'm happy I could be that person for him. Today's conversation made he realize why I am falling in love with him. He is so transparent. He let's me see him as he is and he is not ashamed of the mistakes he has made because the are an instrumental part of the man he has become. I think that is such a rarity and I love it. It makes for real conversation and generally great communication. I don't mind getting wet with him on my side.......
On a perfect day I know that I can count on you.
When that's not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?
Cause I need somebody who will stand by me.
Through the good times and bad times
she will always, always be right there.
Sunny days, everybody loves them, tell me baby can you stand the rain?
Storms will come, this we know for sure.
Can you stand the rain?
Love unconditional--I'm not asking this of you
And girl to make it last I'll do whatever need to be done.
But I need somebody who will stand by me.
When it's tough she won't run.
She will always be right there for me.
Sunny days everybody loves them
Tell me baby can you stand the rain? Can you stand it?
Storms will come, I know, I know all the days won't be perfect.
This we know for sure, But can you stand it?
Can you stand the rain?
Can you stand the rain?
Can you stand the rain? No pressure, no pressure from me baby.
Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you girl.
Tell me baby can you stand the rain?
Will you be there for me?
Come on baby let's go get wet.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Meant to be Mint
So I have always talked about my love for Mint Condition...the BEST band in the world, and yesterday Old Flame called me so I could listen to one of his fav songs and it just so happen to be Mint Condition's Nothing Left to Say on their most recent album, E-life, by the way is an independent release. He is into producing music and he loves the concept of the song. As he played it I mouthed the words, I know them all on this cd and the last one too, Livin' the Luxury Brown. Listening to the song I realized I really love the fact that we vib on a lot of things. Stealing a from my fav band, I believe we are meant to be.....
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I'm Ready
At this very moment I have come to the conclusion that I'm ready. Yeah it's a lovely thing to be ready. I'm ready to love, to be responsible, to take ownership of all my past errors, and present short comings, to give, to receive, to listen, to be heard, to stop running and face my fears in all their forms, to walk into my destiny with no restraints, become the woman God created me to be, to create the written work God gave me on paper for the word to read.....
I'm ready for all ready has to offer......
I'm ready for all ready has to offer......
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Still Working it Out...
I wish I was still working out as in exercising! While I kinda still do. I walk every morning for at least an hour. It's not just a causal walk either. A very brisk walk. It def makes me sweat! And then a feel much better afterwards. But the work I'm talking about is work! This newsletter is getting tedious. The editing portion is a lot of work. My eyes get tired and then I just wanna stop. Then I realize that I gotta deadline.
But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.
Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.
Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out!
Oh...my summer goals...well they are still goals!
But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.
Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.
Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out!
Oh...my summer goals...well they are still goals!
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