Re-post: Tabla Rasa

I wrote this one back in August of 2011. I decided to repost it. It speaks to my desire to be new again.  . . . 

Every now and then small pieces of floating debris from college finds its way to regain my attention. I've been struggling all week to find my Stella at work. I did very little over the summer to make my transition into the school year smooth. So here I am scrambling to make it all work. But no fear, your girl always finds her stride right in it time.

Since the professional me was at a panic at the disco, so was the writer. I started two post; one pertaining to Teacherdom--the state of teaching, the other about lying. Yeah. I'm just not feelin' them now. For some reason they have digressed into mere matter. They have no stance in my heart at the moment. I have them saved just in case the fire is rekindled.

So back to college, before I wonder too far from my destination. Dr. Phelan was a fascinating man. Knowledge flowed from his lips like cold smooth water out the hose on a hot day. I loved his poli/sci class. I was especially captivated when he lectured on John Locke. Locke was a bad boy! His work definitely made me pay attention. And here I am thinking about the concept of gained knowledge and it hits me--blank slate. Locke's theory states that we are born with a blank slate and we become the author of our soul. Of course there's more to the theory than the brevity I have given it, but it is this part that I have been thinking on.

The given theory states we were born blank, so is it possible to return to this blank state? Of course man cannot re-enter his mother's womb, but can old knowledge be erased for new knowledge? I ponder this and more because I question if now my knowledge is sufficient. Do I actually possess the necessities to make forward progression? Isn't my forward progression predicated on my now knowledge? Is there more? More to have, more to gain, more to be?

Stay with me. I don't desire to place the new on the old for it will spoil the both. New things need new space to grow. You can't want new green grass by just throwing down some seed. The birds will ravish your stash and furthermore those new seed will land upon unprepared ground. If I clean my now slate, I can prepare for those new seeds to be spread, watered, and increased. With my new blank slate, I can experience those first moments yet again. The moment when I knew "this" was it. No matter what the “this” may be, it came with an undeniable expression of arrival. But moreover it is my desire for progression that drives me to be blank to gain MORE. I want "this" new to replace "this" old and broken. My now is not enough to take me where I desire to go. No specific destination, just forward.

Now I know you are thinking, if I remove my old to gain new isn't there a possibility that my new will be old again? Absolutely. Isn't that the beauty of life? You recognize when you need to stop and start all over again. It's the process of true maturity...the ability to digest sound doctrine.

So my rebirth is now....I forget what is behind me. I forget the sting of death for it has no victory. I forget the broken experiences of first love because it wasn't love at all. I forget mistakes and half steps that placed my name in true sentences that I only hoped would have been lies. I forget the losses and relish the greatness of the gains. I open my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul for the forward path of progression that was created just for me. No one can forger my path like I can.

Hard Questions? I Got Answers!

So why is it so hard for us to address ourselves? Why can't we ask ourselves these hard questions?? Don't worry if you're not sure what these hard questions are--let me help you out?

1. Why do I stay when I know going would be the best option for me?
2. Why do I constantly put others needs before my own? 
3. Why do I blame others for my own screw ups?
4. Why do I add my "but" to every conversation or when I go to apologize?
5. Why do I always end up with the bad ones?

I figured I'd just start with five, don't want to overwhelm you. So let's just get right to good stuff!!

1. You stay because of you allow yourself to believe the lie that your current almost is good enough for your present and your future.
2. You believe that the value others place on you are more than your own. You seek to please others as a means to please self, when it fact it is by no means self serving. Now please don't confuse the this negative trait with that of selflessness. The difference is vast. When one is selfless, it is his/her desire to see the needs of others meet. It gives their heart great joy to be able to serve his/her fellow humans and meet the need. What the question refers to is one who does for others as a desire to be valued by others. A need to feel loved or wanted or worth. Those qualities must come from the inside out.
3. A question we rarely ask ourselves but should in moments of frustration, confrontations, heartaches, and other situations of the like. No matter the ingredients you place in the pot, you are the water. Don't allow others to flavor or color you. You have a unique recipe. And if you make a mistake in your recipe, own up to it. The great part about it is that you can start all over again. It may be you need to remove the extras and get back to the basics. Set down with you and deal with you,
4. This one is a continuation of the previous...time to deal with you. Who cares what others say and do; at the end of the day you must be accountable and responsible for you and your actions and behavior. Move your "buts," out of the way and deal with you. L-Boogie said it best--every tub must stand on its on bottom.
5. Ahhh a question many men and women want to know the answer to. And by right it deserves mega attention and an honest answer. Though some may not want to hear the honesty in the answer, I'mma just put it out there..It all goes back to YOU. Yes we are the problem of our own misery. When we exit relationships we don't take time to focus on what part and/or role we play in the relationship and break up. Just because we see one great trait in the sea of several doesn't mean that relationship will work or those several will become as great as that one. We canNOT change people. We can encourage and support change but not make it happen. You get the bad ones because it is the bad ones that you choose. What something different, do something different with you. 

So I answered the hard questions. I know, I know. You might not want to hear my answers because they all start looking at the same person.....YOU. I mean, honesty we all have deal with the (wo)man in the mirror. Stop turning it around, and actually look into it this time. 

Head Wounds: How Bad are You Injured?

I love my church family. They are so much a part of my life and I am grateful to have people who truly care about my well-being, especially my pastor. He is definitely a unique man--humble, knowledgeable and super humorous! He's quick to crack a joke and encourage you with his peaceful demeanor at the same time. So much of him I have within me. He has been instrumental in making me the teacher and believer that I am today.

Many of things I blog about come something I have heard from him. This one is no different. I have stated before how everything begins in the mind especially our hardest and most difficult battles. But the problem becomes when we do have this battle in our mind and live in denial of its existence. Denial is a death road--a one way ticket to nowhere. Most of us are in denial about who we are and were we are. We are not near where we should be, but we prefer to not allow others to see that truth. We want to only display on the truth that is convenient to us at that moment. Sure we can fool some of the people some of the time, but definitely not all of the people all of the time. 

The challenges lies in the wound in our head. Because we can't see the wound, it's difficult for us to acknowledge it. We often have a problem with the unseen, but it's the unseen that posses the most potential danger. The danger in the seen is minimum...for if we see it, in our mind we can treat it and do something about it. But that unseen pain hurts the most...we may not be able to put our finger exactly on the spot but the pain reverberates through our entire being which lets us know we can't ignore the wounds in our head. An injury must be treated in other for it to heal.


Most times we deny ever being injured because we fear the back lash from the revelation. We point the finger to others--it's always you not me. We even get made when others try in loving ways to tell us that we are bleeding from the big ass gash on our head, but we just move on. Nahhh that ain't blood, just a little sweat...wow how silly do we sound. Those who love us and care about our well being we push to the ground and prefer others who help us cover up the wound with decorations and scarves. Help us dress it up and hide it while on the inside we rot. Rot and stink, but we still look over the smell.


We can only function in limited range when we are injured. It behooves us all to seek the help we know we need. An wound in your mind is an injury to the entire body. Don't believe the hype; the true way to a (hu)man's heart is through his/her mind. I steal the words of a good friend.... The truth reveals; to you who lie to yourself, you dwell in the darkness of your own soul. Ask the hard questions and find a way to live in and with the truth. It's a satisfying and fruitful journey. 

Not the Right Fit--Getting in Where You Fit in?

I recently had a phone interview with a school out in New Jersey. Oh so nervous because it was my first interview in 10 years I practiced and prayed repeating the cycle in several sets. From my perspective I thought it went okay...didn't feel my energy of excitement was reciprocated, but I was holding hope until the final word was given. The next day, I sent out a hand written thank you note laced with kind words and waited for a response.

That final word was relayed to me yesterday, "indeed they (the school) has decided you are not the right fit for their school." I knew it was coming, but I didn't expect those words--"the right fit."

Oh those words...the story of my life, right. At this point I'm not sure what to make of those words. It is never my desire to fit. I just want to make an impact. A difference. A change. The right choice to do the job I know I can do well.

By no means am I doubting the school who interviewed me. They know what they are looking for and what they know their school much better than I. I just marvel at the word choice. All my life I have been trying NOT to fit because those who do fit normally don't do make the right choices for the right reason.

It is important that we encourage our children to embrace their difference as a source of talent and pride. No one has the ability to be a better you than you. We are all distinguished to greatness.

Though my heart sank a little, I know that my place will open up for me....

Faking the Funk

So my last post was my officially my 100th post; it only took me 3 years!! Lately I have hit a blog stride and with more people viewing my blog, an average of about 100 a week, I must maintain my momentum to give the peoples what they want!!! This might be an unpopular post...I aim to please. What good would I be if I only wrote what would make folks happy?? I must maintain some savor or I am good for nothing....


Recently I read an article about a seventeen year old young man who was killed by the captain of a neighborhood watch upon is return to his father's house from a local to store to buy some skittles for his little brother and something to drink for himself. Despite being told by the 9-11 dispatcher to not confront the young man, the captain of the neighborhood watch got out of his car and shot the young man--who was not armed. But's here's the kicker--the captain of the neighborhood watch has NOT been charged with the crime and is walking free. He got to return to his home while this young man 's family had to go to a funeral home to make arrangements for their beautiful young son. They're planning a funeral and he's probably enjoying a beer or two. 


The whole situation makes my heart hurt. The type of pain that travels to hurt all of your body. Then today I read a post on one of my fav blogs, singleblackmale.org where one of the contributors posted about the situation and made mention to the websation by Invisible Children in an effort to bring attention to Joesph Kony for international crimes. Instead of getting Kony recognized and arrested, the writer suggest that focus needs to be on Zimmerman for killing an unarmed young man. 


Still processing all this information, I'm thinking (it's a long thought, go ahead and exhale, I might be on this one for awhile) what's truly going on with us when we would rather try to heal the ills of other worlds and fail to right the wrongs right under our nose. Please don't misunderstand the message here. I am in agreement in helping those who need help no matter where they are, but I have an issue with a company who has taken their message to sensationalism to get action and then the money that organization receives, less than 40% goes to the actual cause. 


I take issue when we choose blinders instead of action. MLK stated injustice anywhere is an threat to justice everywhere in his letter from Birmingham Jail. He could not believe the criticism he was receiving from his religious contemporaries. They wanted him to stop his actions for what was right. It is up to us as citizens to hold those in authority responsible for the jobs they do. This situation is not the first, but we must make sure it is the last. Will it be difficult, absolutely, will we fail sometimes, of course, yet the level of difficulty or the risk of failure should in no way determine if or when we will act. There's always work to do and it requires us to take a step toward the required action in order to get it done.


Our children need us. It is not about us or never has been, they matter. They are the now. And quite frankly many of us don't like how the now looks, and guess who's at fault--we are. Yes we are. The now only does what we allow of it. I know we cannot cure all the world's ills, but we can be in the action of prevention. How? Voice and action. Don't just say something, do something. Give boundaries, set morals, be the example, encourage education, show appropriate behavior. The reality is our children will not get these necessary foundation behaviors from home, so we must plug the gap. Volunteer, support, know you can make a difference.


Stop fakin' the funk... stop telling yourself you are doing what's best when really you're nothing.....MC Breed and the DFC said it best...ain't no future in your frontin...

The Art of Letting Go

Letting go is like a carefully crafted painting, every stroke, every color, every shade has meaning. Forgiveness is a true art form. It is intricately formatted to be mutually important to the forgiver and the forgivee. Yet, it's true power of reconciliation is often never experienced simply because some never forgive.


Many have a terribly difficult time learning to let go. We hold on to situations and people for dear life even if those exact people and situations have the given potential to cost us our life. It's a complicated situation that really isn't that complicated at all. In actually it comes down to: do you want to live? Yes, the real question is, do you want to live? Immediately most of us would respond a yes in all caps, in bold, and underlined--but do we really want to live?


I'm not just talking about rhythmic pushes of air, I'm talking quality now. Gaining and maintaining quality requires removal of excessive waste. Whether the waste be material, time, human itself, it's all relative--waste is waste. Waste contaminates all clean present no matter if it is in the mist or lingering on the edge.  If your pet pees on your your rug and just so happen that your jacket was on the rug, you don't pick up jacket and head to the club. No first you mean mug the pet and then you toss the jacket in the wash and clean the rug. Notice you cleaned both.


Though that situation is minor, the same principle applies to our lives. We have no desire to walk around smelling pissy--yeah I just said that. That pissy smell inhibits the quality of life we can have. We gotta clean up our lives. We must always do some inward reflection. I have said this before and yet I must say it again--let it go. Compounded waster becomes compacted waste which is unnecessary extreme pain. I know many of us have been abused and mistreated in childhood or adult, but you are still here. Now the fact you have breath in your body means you have another chance to pursue quality.


Forgiveness is needed to clean the forgiver of excessive waste and bring him/her into closer relationship with self and creation. As the forgiver you are reconciled with self and life. Now the end possibilities of the universe are aligned to your favor. Though forgiveness does release the forgivee, it is intended more for the forgiver. The forgivee will ultimately receive the harvest of his/her actions--it's the law--you reap what you sow. So let the actions of the forgivee be the least of our thoughts. The focus should be on us. Our closet road to quality is through forgiveness. We cannot allow our past contaminate our present or future. We must let go; it's truly a matter of life and living.

The Chronicles of a FAT Girl

It is a taboo subject among many. A shameful subject that causes side glances and long stares. So here I am to debunk all rumors and dispel all myths. Yes I am fat and I know it! I have been since like 2nd grade. Don't you think that I look at myself in the mirror everyday?? Don't you think I see the size on my clothes when I buy them?? Honestly, I see this body every single day and I know it better than anyone ever will.

 Yes I know I'm fat. And I don't need anyone to remind me of that fact. Random comments and long stares do nothing to encourage me to make healthier life choices. Just because my issue is more prevalent and  visible than others doesn't give anyone a license to judge or assume. Remember when you point out my spec, don't miss that plank in yours. My decision for a healthier lifestyle must come from me, yes me. I have to put in the work to make it happen.

Yes I know my weight is a problem. And the question becomes--why haven't I done anything about it???
Great question. And I don't fully know the answer to it. But I do know that I believe it is symptomatic of other issues I have dealt with in my life's early journey. Being the woman I am now, I know that my unhealthy habits have got to change. I do desire to live a long beautiful life and enjoy this journey God has given to me. But I can't do it in my current shape. I do know discipline is necessary key in the equation.

Yes I do know I am beautiful. Though my external being may not be what I want it to be, my worth is an internal source. My outlook on life, my personality, and my character are from the inside out. It has taken me years to learn this beauty of life-growth from the inside--but it is one we all would benefit from. I love the woman I have become and these 32 years have been nothing short of a blessing.

Being overweight is something we have stigmatized as equivalent to worthless when in all reality it is no different than any unhealthy behavior one may have. In no way am I making an excuse for my bad habits or the bad habits of others.  But what I want to do is dispel the judgment factor. We judge, condemn, and then lay ambush for our brother or sister with the words of our mouth. Every person, every being has value and deserves to be treated as such. If we took this approach to holistic health maybe, just maybe the quality of health in our lives would improve.

Yes we need to do better to improve our health, this I can't or won't deny nor cover it up. But what I won't do is dehumanize my fellow man no matter his battle.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Let it be known that I am not walking about in a state of delusion. I am not lying to myself that I am healthy and I will be okay. I know the present condition of my issue; I have accepted the truth and know I must do something.

Everyday Use

I recently had a conversation with a friend about some items she intends to be heirlooms for her children one day. I love the idea of passing mementos from generation to generation, but I also mentioned to her the thought of using the items for what they were meant for. She quickly made the connection to Alice Walker's short story and of course it got me to thinking. As I eat my lunch and type this post ( I started writing Friday at work) I'm asking myself, what truly is for everyday use? Sometimes we get so caught up looking for the next big thing to come our way that we miss the use of  the day. For example, when was the last time you intentionally used your smile to make someone else happy? When was the last time you rehearsed your lines a thousand time until you had them memorized just to be able to get up the nerve to make use of those three words?? (Yeah I just made a Patty and Stevie combination) The point being, love is for everyday use. It's not meant to be used only for a special occasion.

I'm convinced why we often fail in love is because we fail to learn not only what it is but how to use it. In turn love is misused and abused and we miss opportunities for using it everyday to enhance the lives of others. I know some folks relish in the out adage, my four and no more,but fortunately that perception is not a reality. It is intended that we sow into the world we live in. Understand harvest is not just for the sower. Harvest feeds a multitude of people. By your sowing you allowing other people to reap. Take me for instance. When I do publish my first book (and it will happen, believe me, it will) my writing will provide a harvest for at least five people--the agent who markets me to the editor who corrects me to the company who publishes me to the press operator who maneuvers the levers to make the book to the company who makes the paper that is provided for the company that makes the books! I could go on and on. But what if I never strike out and follow my love; where will these people be?? I guess somewhere waiting for me to put this love in everyday use!

Though I focus on love, it is not the only substance that should be used daily. Others make the list as well, but most times they are derivatives of love--kindness, patience, humility,  and the list goes on. As my great grandfather used to state, "a little sugar goes a long way." And it in fact it does. Try using kindness as a means to accomplish your daily task. So what the boss's sectary is a royal bia--smile anyway. Be nice to her anyway. Her issues don't have to control how you choose to practice your beautiful character. Yes, continue to deliberately make yourself useful to the world every single day. You must see and practice the change you want the world to be. Some times you are the only example someone may see.

I know our concern is what will be gained with our everyday use. And rightfully so it seems like a logical question. We all have had experiences when our usefulness has been misused and maltreated. Understand these potential situations come with the territory. You will have some who refuse to receive your use and it's okay. Don't fret, just accept your effort and know you tried--you planted a seed someone else will come along and water.  Know a law of the universe is to reap what you have sown.

It is my desire to be what is every needed of me to be. My life is less about me and more about the testament to the world of what could be--so here I am, use me.