The Written Rebel

I Do

2012-02-15T18:22:00.002-06:00

So I just touched down about 4 hours ago and I can't get certain songs out of my head. Like every radio I have experienced in the nation, Atlanta's stations play the same songs over and over again. Now Jeezy, Drake, Tyga, Wale, and Blue's momma are in my head. Their words are blending together to make this new song--some new remix I have solely created. One repeated phrase, I Do, plays constantly at random times.

Of course, my magnificent mind reaches into formerly inaccessible areas and begins to think about those two words, I Do. People live to here these two words on one special day. Yep those words stop at that alter and linger for that one special day and forget to make a connection to its intended context and audience.

Did you know the divorce rate in 2009 was 50%? So that means half of the people who married in 2009 divorced. I'm baffled. But this post has nothing to do with marriage or divorce...these two words really got me thinking about what I say "I do" to. Follow me for a minute....

I can honestly say that I am super shy. Have always been. I'm not the one who enters a crowded room and mingles with everyone, not to say I lack in the conversational skills, but I'm shy. Initiate a conversation with me and I can go without breathe, yet I am content to do things and be by myself. Yes I love the being with others, but I'm content shopping alone too. Why? Because one day I just decided to say I do to me. Yeah that inner voice that has always been present no matter how much I tried to deny it. I'd dress it up to hide it because its sound was off beat from others.

Imagine if we all married ourselves, not like Dennis Rodman, but that could be rather amusing--but I'm speaking about deciding to commit to who you really are. Yet many of us would rather deny ourselves the luxury of meeting ourselves. I stated this before in previous post Dating the Real You, the real you is much better than the fake somebody else. Every time yo assume the character of another you are branded as fake, because in reality there's on one---one Mike Jackson (as my handsome little cousin Allen affectionately calls him), one Whitney Houston, one James Brown, one Etta James, one Teddy P, one Heavy D, one Gerald Levert--no matter how many people may sound like these there's still just one.

When we deny ourselves the power to be the person we were created to be ultimately we lose. It sounds harsh to say, but ignoring important things can be harmful. Stop saying I do to the wrong things....sometimes you need to say I don't and I won't.

The Power of Vision

2012-02-14T13:58:00.001-06:00

Vision is not the ability to see with the natural eye. It is the ability to believe what has yet to materialize. Architects do it all day; create what has not been seen. When we were children, we did it all the time. We closed our eyes, even in the mist of day, and dreamed of a world invincible of negativity and pain. A world built by the wildest parts of our imagination. You remember don't you? I know I do.

My imagination still runs wild. Sometimes I close my eyes and see. See several things--things that are there and things I make up to be there. My greatest thoughts come when I see not with my eyes. I am under the impression that you must see whatever it may be you desire before it can ever happen. We must allow ourselves these childish behaviors in order to have a successful adult journey.

So lately I have been envisioning myself in the wealth of my passions. What do I mean? Well, I can see my desires-all of them. Love, marriage, children, author, etc...I seen it happen already in my vision. No it wasn't some magical world that only operates with invisible capes, it was real. It was me. My childhood imagination has advanced itself. Adapted, grown and is still functioning. Quite frankly, so should yours. Just because you can't see it, no matter what that it may be, doesn't mean it is not there.

I have a tattoo on my forearm that states, never forget the struggle. People ask me all the time, what does your tattoo say, when they get a small glimpse of it peeking from beneath my sweater. When I tell them, I'm quite sure they don't understand, but it's a statement recognizing the vision of Black people in America.

My great great great grandparents saw me in their future. They saw me. Yes me. The impact I need to make in the world. In their vision of possibilities, they saw something had to be different. And look I AM HERE! Their struggle was for me. And now I envision life for others. The struggle of my ancestors is not forgotten because I chose to see what is yet to be seen.

The beauty of it, I see you in my future. What's the point of seeing it alone. You can come too. We must begin to believe in what is yet to come. I know that I am on the cusp of something great in my life. Not only have a seen it, I believe it, and know its on the way. Begin to see yourself draped in your desires of the good life you so deserve....

Serious Moments in Life

2012-02-12T20:59:00.000-06:00

I can't say it enough how much I am in love with my life right now. All things seem to be working for my good, yet I seem to be indecisive as of lately. I mean I have everything an accomplished woman could ask for--a dream new job in New Jersey with Teach for America, which starts in June; loving and adoring parents who are support me through all things; and I belong to a great church--but something is off in my life.

It's monumental...I am in "like" with someone and it seems that instead of advancing the relationship I find ways of bringing all things to a halt. And how do you tend to do this Tiffany, you might ask? My quick response: my past experiences, my detailed response....

So like most of us, I have had an unpleasant experience with a young man. I could truly say I was in love with this young man, but the relationship was not mutually beneficial. And it left me questioning myself in all aspects. I questioned my motivation, my values, my wants, my needs, my worth, my desires, everything. Honestly it was what my soul truly needed--one of those blessings in disguise. The incisions were deep and the surgery was lengthy but necessary. I didn't like the person I had become and I was determined to make a change. Then Mr. "Like" comes along and challenges all the changes I have began to make.

Honestly he is much of what I want and need in my life but yet I am letting old issues creep up. Some times some thing as simple as one word triggers something of the past and I want to back away. he says something or does something and I see past in all bold flashing lights and have to fight the urge to make a quick exit stage left and call it a d.a.y., seriously! And he is patient enough to know when I am having a "moment" and gives me time to calm down, but I am in no way being fair to him. He didn't cause my past pain and he should not have to be a my personal pin cushion. I don't want to ruin my own vision by throwing salt in my eyes.

So where do I go from here? When does this past affliction stop?

Ask myself these questions in an effort to acknowledge and work towards healing and building. I know path on life's journey passes through some wicked forests, but this moment in my life doesn't have to be forever.

The Mask We Wear

2011-10-30T20:37:00.000-05:00

It seems like it's been forever since my last post. I have no clue where time has gone. Between my uncle's passing, working the 2 jobs, and dealing the Teach for America stuff, some days I have no clue what I'm doing. But the crazy part...I'm the happiest I have been in a very long time!! I genuinely have a smile that seems to be radiating from the inside. I have learned to find the moment to be grateful in the mist of life's journey.

At all times, no matter the situation, we all should be grateful. Grateful for the little things--a smile, an occasional laugh, the smell of Fall, etc. The appreciation of the little things help us to appreciate this journey in its totality. And at this moment, I am in love with my journey.

What's my secret?? There's none!

Honestly, we all search for the magic combination of life and balance to find happiness when it exist within. We can't find what we are looking for on the outside; the search must start within. The inter you holds the key to the success of life's desires. As my last post stated, your purpose in life is connected to you at birth. Do you honestly know what's in you? Rivers of life are flowing in you. Dip into this source and find what you have been searching for this whole time. Yes, this whole time it's been in you all along.It starts with one step. One decision to decide that what you have been doing; the outward search and shuffle, is no good. Because you did not create yourself, you must return to the Creator for proper operation instructions. That decision starts on the inside. It is the giving of yourself to complete submission to what you were created for is when you find the true you. It's that moment of still silence when you hear that small voice you had been running from. It speaks to you clearly and this time you gotta listen. It's a peaceful, reassuring, and encouraging voice. It tells you to fall back in love with you and simple pleasures you once enjoyed but disregarded for the clutter of people and things. Still yourself to hear again.

I know this sounds strange, but it's tested truth. Stop running from you. All those these are well, just things. They seem great to have, but they bring you not true joy. Joy is the sense of knowing happiness is eternal. You can be happy in all situations your journey comes into. Let no person or no thing block you from your reaching your destiny. Be you you're supposed to be. It's never to late to take the mask off. It's never to late to realize this isn't what you want. It's never to late to find yourself and the happiness you deserve.

It's okay to acknowledge you're not content. But it's NOT okay to NOT make the change necessary to find what you are desiring. Nobody said this journey would be easy. Most things on this journey come with growing pains. But they are temporary and well worth the outcome.

However, understand this necessary attention to the inner man is at a price; once you feed yourself it's obligation to feed others. Thirsty souls are waiting for you to release so they too can drink. They need you to follow your inward man so their outward can resemble the same happiness that you have found. They want to remove their mask too. They want to be free too. You must share with them how to reach what you have already found. Your passion will feed a multitude who will eat of you and find their inner passion and thus the cycle will continue. But it must start with one man. One man who has the courage to stand in the mist of the crowded room and peel off the mask and let the true soul glow....it only takes one to start a revolution of change...

Purpose

2011-10-28T19:58:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a minute, a few weeks in fact; to my regular followers I apologize. So much as happened between the last post and today. Sad times and glad times and all of it in between. Perusing through my past post, the thread of commonality remains super visible. In a round-about way, I seem always to be speaking about the power of the truth. The fact that many choose to deny the truth will never stop baffling me. I mean life could be better for everyone if we consciously examined and applied the truth. In an effort not to bore you I won't be directly speaking on the truth...you read that....directly!! Come on now, I gotta be me, right?

I have had some amazing teachers in my journey. Mrs. Russell, my 2nd grade teacher at Franklin sparked my initial interest in writing. That brown red and blue lined paper became my friend. My stories were short and horribly misspelled. When we didn't know how to spell a work correctly we were to take a small piece of paper up to her desk and ask her to spell it right for us. Yeah I didn't do that so much. Further evidence of my horrendous abilities came with the in class spelling bee!! Yep I was out the first round. But I wasn't too upset. I decided I would still write my stories misspelled and all.

3rd grade with Mrs. Sutton was nice! I was a semi big kid; at that time Franklin only went to the 4th grade. Timed math sheets in Mrs. Sutton's class was my thorn. The moment she said begin I was done. Pressure and I aren't good friends. I thought I knew my multiplication but the time math sheets bore no evidence of this fact. After awhile,I got better, not great but better. But I knew then math was NOT my subject---yeah might as well cross mathematian off my list of future careers!!

4th grade was a mixture of joy and pain. Mr. Warr was my teacher that year. He knew my mom and dad and I guess this fact added pressure to my success. Mr. Warr ensured I did my best on every assignment. One in particular, the I had a Dream Essay Writing Contest, I guess was his trying of my application of knowledge. Like my peers, I completed my essay with pride and turned it in. Mr. Warr looked it over and gave it back to me. You can do better he said. I rewrote that essay 3 or 4 times. The results of Mr. Warr insisting: I won the first place in the contest.

And there it was. The budding of my passion.

We can never say our purpose is eluding us. It may be buried within the busyness of our life, but it's there. There's something in your life that you love and would leave all just to have a small piece of it. Why not have it all?? Your passion is your purpose. It pleases every man's heart to follow that individual drum his ear only hears. Make no excuses to take the risk to follow that joy. You were created to follow it. You were birthed with that passion, allow it to grow. Feed it, nurture it, and allow it to manifest in your life.

Dangerous Memories

2011-09-20T17:57:00.000-05:00

I see this post as continuation of the previous three. They all were birthed in the same conversation. I guess I am still feeling relationshipy. And by right, I should. But I'll save those details for another day. I have more pressing matters, this post, to explore. Yet those details will make their way into this post in a manner of speaking.

One of my favorite artists is MJB. Yeah I have this fascination with her music and I always have. I own every record (yeah I just dated myself by saying record!! My family refers to all music as records. Movies as pictures. Motorcycles as bikes. A lie as a fib. Several other oddities exist, but I’ll stop here!!) she has released. Her music is so full of life's issues positive and negative. As an artist, she has allowed her listeners to see her life through her music. One song in particular, is most befitting for this post. Reminisce, from her debut album, What's the 411?. The chorus goes as follows:

Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had
Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had

Like I said, MJB my girl, but reminiscing is DANGEROUS!! If it is no longer together, it probably didn't work. Why try to recreate something that's broken? I'm going to take the leap and say there's most likely a great reason why you are not together in the present. Maybe you need to remind yourself of that fact first.

See the problem with these memories is that they can be ultra deceiving. Shallow memories of past loves tend to focus only on the blissful moments. It becomes Hollywood dreams: holding hands in the park, tender kisses, gentle stares, long stimulating talks, blah, blah, blah. You know good and well that only lasted for 2 months; the rest was restless frustrations. We tend to gloss over the heartaches we are still trying to recover from. Those hard memories tend to be buried in our forgetting allowing us to temporary desire the past. These memories are dangerous. We simply can't live here.

Really, you can't live in the past. All roads in the past have been deemed hazardous. The yellow's a pale unrecognizable muted white brick. It's overgrown, sprawled with thistles and thorns; it simply can't be navigated. Why risk your life for something you cannot change? We cannot continue to live our past. We cannot allow our past experiences to (1) define who we will become or (2) keep us bound.

Living in these memories keep you chained to a image that really doesn't reflect the person you truly are. Your present picture is blissful. Smell the cherry blossoms; bathe in the warm rays of the sun; love the change you are becoming. Baby your future is sooooo bright, you definitely gotta wear shades....

The Little Bit...When Less Isn't More

2011-09-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

I feel all relationshipy today so I thought I would continue another thought one of the the besties and I had. For some reason this bestie and I always talk about relationships. It could be either one of us don't have one at the moment, or I just love hearing all about her dating adventures. I mean she is a dater and her dates range the gamut--one dude who foams at the mouth?? One dude who brings his own coffee to Starbucks, so he orders a Venti hot water?? Yeah bestie has some pretty interesting stories. I could probably blog about her all day. Honesty I could. She always stops mid sentence and says, "oh Tiff you can blog about that." I laugh, but then open the memo app on my phone and swype the idea down quickly. This is one of those quickies...

We've been bamboozled. Somewhere in the exchange less has become better. The less money you have the more help you can get from a system intended to keep you in a system. The less clothes you wear the more exotic you feel and empowered you believe yourself to be. The less he gives, more you believe he loves. The less you hours and days we work, the more we desire. The less time we have, the more we fall away.

In all things, less by no means is more. Less is in fact, well, less. By definition the word less can be an adverb or an adjective which means it can add to the meaning of a verb or describe the degree of situation. But one thing both means have in common is the first definition: [to a] smaller extent, amount, degree. Less is small in amount and degree. We have accepted the small amount of thought as grand and the small about of degree as exceptional.

For instance, in a relationship is has become a common practice to accept less in all categories. The less can be applied to any part of the relationship: less attention, less time, less commitment, less personality, less values, less morals, less responsibilities, less, less, less. In common perception is less is better than none. Yet what one fails to realize that the less is none because all of the lesses (yeah I made up a word--I can do that!!) still never make up one. It is impossible to have 1/3 of anything and still be considered complete. No, it's not done; it's not whole. It's not one. You can't add particles to get a crumb and why in the world would you want just a crumb? I'm baffled.

Honesty, life is more than piecing crumbs together to make a meal. When funds are in between and groceries low, this is MORE than acceptable. But when you are dating and looking for something everlasting, an erroneous grievance has taken place. Even in your temporal pleasures, which we all grow out of, be honest, you don't what a piece of a anything. You most likely wanted the whole but gave in to the less just to be able to say you had a small portion, i.e. less. No one is every completely happy in a temporary situation because it was not made to be permanent. It was never intended for you to capitalize on that moment and grow roots. It can by as a, as my girl Queen says, this ain't what you want, situation--walk away!! Every person on our path is not meant to be our travel companion. Say hello and keep walking.

The norm has become the acceptance of less because we don't want enough anymore. It used to be that if we couldn't have it all we would walk away, worth and value still in tack. But now we cling to less. Devalued, broken, and completely lying to ourselves.

The gig is up. The cover is blown. Until I have more, I want nothing at all...

The Soldier Knows the Battle of the Heart is Not Easily Won...

2011-09-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

In light of my last post, I gotta come clean. This will probably be the most personal blog I will every post. I had a near 2 hour conversation with one of the besties last night and it was so enlightening. Through discourse, I discovered I was lying to myself. So here's the story:

I have this amazing guy friend, "N." When I say amazing, I mean amazing. (They say if you say it twice it's really true!!) He's the first guy that I can have a serious no holds bar dialogue with. I mean we don't hold back; if it's happening, it's fair conversation. He understands and challenges my complexities and then constantly reminds me I deserve more than I sometimes allow myself to believe. My list of loves about N are quite lengthy: his intelligence, genuine care, confidence, and importantly how and loves and cares for his daughters are just a few. It's almost like I have been waiting for this friendship my whole life. The connection is not simple; it's more. Yes more. Anything that you can think of in a friendship add more and you got N. Of course with the more he is the more I want to know about him. He's super onion--gotta peel those layers back delicately.

As I spilled all this info to the bestie her attentive ears hear what I couldn't. That's the thing about a lie; sometimes it takes the vision of others to see. As it is said, "the eye cannot see itself but by some means of reflection." She was my reflection. My truth. Maybe I have more feelings for N than I allow myself to see. As bestie puts it, I prefer to take the limit of friendship rather than take the potential risk of relationship. I'm comfortable in the friendship zone. I chose to keep my "other" feelings in the other column. I prefer to keep the friend. I don't want to label this and gain a loss. But bestie says if I take the risk and it doesn't work then I deserve the right to release and move on to make myself available to opportunities.

Now my heart isn't naive. I know the chemistry is mutual, the extent, I'm not sure. But sly tongues in conversation has revealed the heart's intent. But will it ever be? Do I honestly want to lose N with because of a label? How come I can't keep the imaginary line in the sky and stay on this side? I am by no means waiting for N to make the transition, as well I am not pushing the transition. I believe in the natural progression of things. It may happen, it may not. The question thus becomes will I wait and see??

The probability of N reading this blog is beyond the 90th percentile, but honestly I don't think I'm revealing anything he doesn't already know...

The WORST Lie

2011-09-17T20:09:00.001-05:00

So wrong is wrong. Really there are no degrees of wrong. Just like a lie. A lie is a lie. No matter how you spin it, or where you tell it; a lie is a lie. But you wanna know the worst lie you can EVER tell? Drum roll please....the worst lie you can ever tell is to yourself. Yep that's the monstrous fault. No matter what it is you are lying to yourself about--your weight, height, social status, emotions, etc, lying to yourself is absolutely the danger zone.

The moment you have to lie to yourself in order to justify your actions or the lack there of, you have alienated all truth. I know you hear me speak on truth often, but it is a major principle missing in the heart of the 21st century. Understand the truth exists despite one's refusal to accept it; it's always there waiting for your arrival. We have adapted to justification of lies as the new black. We are without a doubt excuseless in our negative actions because of the power of choice. We have the ability to choose this day whom we shall be and become. It's all a matter of choice.

The power of choice is the common denominator of human kind. Despite our background; rich, poor, brown, cream, short, tall, round, slim..we all have choice. The moment we justify lies or negative actions we disseminate the power of truth. It becomes hidden and hard to find. It fades from the eyes, shaded by slime; the buildup of lies. It becomes like searching for new pennies in the mud; you can't see it, you may know it my touch, but you aren't quite sure.

Like any negativity, the magnetic force of lies grows and draws other lies near. In other words, when you tell one, you gotta tell another. Lying is the fastest way to ruin any relationship. And when we lie to self, we create a disconnect within. You sense of reality, of possibility, and as earlier mentioned truth. Your confidence becomes this false sense of reality only stroked by lies. You become depend on the false to create what you believe to be the truth. I know it sounds like I'm talking in circles, but that's what a lie does--move in circles making NO forward progression. Caution--major, major danger!!! Life is meant to go to a destiny. It is impossible to reach destiny if you are lying to you.

I'll be the first to admit my faults. I don't make 100 everyday--some days it's a good 90 others times I range in the 75%..hey I'm being honest. That's the beauty of life. Folks love you when they can see you...and surprisingly you can love yourself greater when you can see you too.

Dating The Real You

2011-09-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation on yahoo IM with a friend today. She asked a random question in the middle of a dialogue about actively reading. The question was something to this effect: "Is is okay to order endless shrimp on the first date?" At first I was prepared with my polite statement.."ummm I don't think that's a good idea.." But then I then I realized why fake the funk??

Seriously think about it, why create an appearance you have NO desire to keep up??? I don't know about you, but my time is precious and I have no desire to add extra work into my already crowded schedule. I mean I don't see the point of endless shrimp anyway! One meal is plenty, but that's not the point of this post.

I know there are people under the impression that you must put your best foot forward in the dating world. I'm sure there're specific guidelines of dating that I am breaking, but oh well. If you want fantasy try another blog! I'm under the impression you have got to be yourself. Maybe that's why I haven't had the best of luck in the dating world! But why go through the hoops to make a impression that is false? I have no desire to wake up in the morning to meet a new person after the newness has worn thin and off when that new person can be himself from the beginning.

In all my learning one of the things I value the most is how I have learned to me. Maybe that's why I'm single. I refuse to be anyone else than the real me. The me with the good, the ugly and the in between!! I'll just stay here and be the real me, even if I means I walk alone for awhile.

My Daddy

2011-09-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of month my mother and I drove to ATL to visit my dad. I was excited to see him, but not that excited to visit ATL in August! Maneee Georgia in August is a heat box. The sun burns through the skin with vengeance!!! But my daddy is worth it all.

I wish I could say that my relationship with my dad has been the greatest, but truth be told it has had its share of valley experiences. My dad moved to Georgia when I was about 6 yrs old. I rarely saw him. Throughout my childhood I wondered why I wasn't like other kids who had dads. It was something my young mind couldn't understand. It was like as I grew the concept of a dad grew further away from me. I saw and heard less of him and of his side of the family. I wondered why no one ever cared about the great things I did in school. You know the moment in 4th grade when you won the essay writing contest and you look in the crowd hoping to see more than just your mom's bright loving smile. You know the moment at graduation 8th grade, high school, when you look in the group for a familiar old face only to be disappointed--he wasn't there. My mom and siblings were the only people who showed up at my high school graduation. That night I truly cried like I had never cried before. It was almost a confirmation of my loneliness. I clearly remember I was supposed to go to my friend's graduation party that night, but I didn't go--why--because I couldn't stomach her happiness. Her entire family was there supporting her and mines couldn't even pretend to care.

Yep that's how I felt and it has taken me years to heal and hear. Hear the truth of the matter and accept the consequences of life choices. The truth is, I can't blame. My dad made his choices at that moment and so did I BUT I have the choice not the stay in that place of hurt and angry if I so choose. I cannot grow in one aspect of my life and be dead in the other. Impossible. To grow meant I had to reach out to my dad with a clear and willing heart open to love in spite of, yes in spite of. The hardest thing to do is to love someone for who they really are, not who you want them to be.

Of course I wanted my dad to be dad in my life, but it at that moment he couldn't I still had to love him. And I do. I love my daddy. I won't replace him for the world. I take it all, because all if has gotten us to this wonderful place we are today. We have a loving, growing relationship. I try to make it to Georgia at least once a year to see him. We both look forward to those moments. We talk on the phone at least once a week and never end a conversation without saying I love you. The beginning was rough, the middle mushy, but the right now is amazing! I'm 31 yrs old and head over heels for my daddy.

I have new memories to replace the old....driving 45 mins. to This is it! just for some of their amazing bbq chicken and peach cobbler only to get lost on the way back because Dad fell asleep while I was driving!!! He keep telling me to drive straight...I just laughed when he woke up and we both had NO clue where we were!! Me telling Dad I was going to go out with my cousins and him look at me with sad eyes...I called my cousins to tell them I changed my mind...I was staying home with Dad tonight. Me telling him I wouldn't be able to make it to Georgia this summer. He said he understood and that he loved me. A day later I was ringing his doorbell. He answered the door with the biggest grin on his face I had ever seen. He was speechless with excitement and frankly so was I.

Tabula Rasa

2011-08-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

Every now and then small pieces of floating debris from college finds its way to regain my attention. I've been struggling all week to find my Stella at work. I did very little over the summer to make my transition into the school year smooth. So here I am scrambling to make it all work. But no fear, your girl always finds her stride right in it time.

Since the professional me was at a panic at the disco, so was the writer. I started two post; one pertaining to Teacherdom--the state of teaching, the other about lying. Yeah..I'm just not feelin' them now. For some reason they have digressed into mere matter. They have no stance in my heart at the moment. I have them saved just in case the fire is rekindled.

So back to college, before I wonder too far from my destination. Dr. Phelan was a fascinating man. Knowledge flowed from his lips like cold smooth water out the hose on a hot day. I loved his poli/sci class. I was especially captivated when he lectured on John Locke. Locke was a bad boy! His work definitely made me pay attention. And here I am thinking about the concept of gained knowledge and it hits me--blank slate. Locke's theory states that we are born with a blank slat and we become the author of our soul. Of course there's more to the theory than the brevity I have given it, but it is this part that I have been thinking on.

The given theory states we were born blank, so is it possible to return to this blank state? Of course man cannot re-enter his mother's womb, but can old knowledge be erased for new knowledge? I ponder this and more because I question if now my knowledge is sufficient. Do I actually possess the necessities to make forward progression? Isn't my forward progression predicated on my now knowledge? Is there more? More to have, more to gain, more to be?

Stay with me. I don't desire to place the new on the old for it spoil the both. New things need new space to grow. You can't want new green grass by just throwing down some seed. The birds will ravish your stash and furthermore those new seed will land unpon unprepared grown. If I clean my now slate, I can prepare for those new seeds to be spread, watered, and increased. With my new blank slate, I can experience those first moments yet again. The moment when I knew "this" was it. No matter what the this or it may be, it came with an undeniable expression of arrival. But moreover it is my desire for progression that drives me to be blank to gain MORE. I want "this" new to replace "this" old and broken. My now is not enough to take me where I desire to go. No specific destination, just forward.

Now I know you are thinking, if I remove my old to gain new isn't there a possibility that my new will be old again? Absolutely. Isn't that the beauty of life? You recognize when you need to stop and start all over again. It's the process of true maturity...the ability to digest sound doctrine.

So my rebirth is now....I forget what is behind me. I forget the sting of death for it has no victory. I forget the broken experiences of first love because it wasn't love at all. I forget mistakes and half steps that placed my name in true sentences that I only hoped would have been lies. I forget the losses and relish the greatness of the gains. I open my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul for the forward path of progression that was created for me. No one can forge my path like I can.

Golden Nuggets

2011-08-14T18:50:00.001-05:00

So I think that everybody is crazy, but me. Yeah I'm on this one man island trying to understand why the heck I am so different. I never really had friends when I was younger; I've always been a loner. The few friends I did have are still a part of my life today. But even with friends I feel alone. Nobody understands the out lavish sane thoughts that run through my head. I know I have such a deep connection with God it would scare most folks. Maybe that's it; I have scared them away. So I thought I would share some small nuggets of my radical sanity:

1. You don't have haters. Really you don't. Jealousy is a live action, but most folks don't have haters. If more than three people are saying the same thing about you, it's call TRUTH! Try the words by your actions. If five people say you are mean, I bet you are mean. So stop calling them haters and change your nasty attitude.

2. Some things are really that simple. Honestly they are. Temptation can be resisted; it's a matter of choice behavior. Yeah you decided you were going to flirt with ol boy and you know he was married--oops did I just say that??

3. The truth works. It's like that peroxide your mom used to pour on that cut on your knee. Sure it stung when she poured it on for like 3 seconds, but then you were okay. The truth has the ability to clean deep wounds and hurts. Try it.

4. Phoniness is a chore! I don't have time to keep up appearances. Like a girdle, you gotta breathe easy at some point in it. Just let it out. If you don't like so and so just stay away from her until you can be nice without it being laborious. Be polite because you want to NOT because you think you have it. I can't say it enough--try the TRUTH.

5. I'm a liberal conservative. Paradox, huh? See my mind is a constant machine of perplexing thoughts. For example, I LOVE my tatoos, but I must keep them covered in specific places like church, work, etc. I believe all people deserve respect and love, but....(yeah I'm going to keep that fire starter to myself)

6. I know I'm smart. Yep. Not just book start either. I have a thirst for knowledge that is un quenching. When I learn I always want more. But with all my smarts, I can make some dumb choices. In the end I learn from them, but I hate that I gotta wait tell the end to come to the knowledge of my error. But these choices, even the dumb ones have taught me major lessons. Yet I still hold some reserve about the dumb choices.

7. I have learned to love unconditionally. There's no secret, no magic pill. You just do. You let go of everything that you have been holding on too and just love with no limits. So what people act a fool, love anyway. So what dude cheated on you, love anyway. I am in no way advocating for you to do foolish things; listen to your heart, it knows right from wrong. All I am saying is that you must give love a chance. You don't have the power to change anyone; only God can do that. So don't take the burden. Just let love live within you.

8. Every day I miss my brother more and more. I don't know if I will ever stop missing him. I look at my niece and nephew and know my brother will never have the opportunity to raise his children. I really miss him and I know they miss him more. You never know how important the human voice is until you no longer hear it.

Oh and by the way, I know everybody ain't crazy....really it's just me.

I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller

2011-08-11T20:59:00.002-05:00

When I was younger, my brother loved that song I Wish by Skee-lo. You remember Skee-lo, little short yellow dude. If you don't remember him, def google or you-tube him to bring back those great 90's memories! So dude wanted to be a baller, you know like Mike. But what little boy didn't back when Mike of was in the peak of his career? I know my brother Taurus was CRAZY about Mike. Back to back championships, movies (Space Jam), and sneakers that EVERYONE had to have and still want! Every kid wanted to pick up a basketball to find his/her hoop dream. So where am I going with this one--well somehow that baller dream has morphed in being a rapper--yes a rapper. Why is it that, now I must be careful with my wording here, so many young men from ages 15 to 35 (yes I have met grown men who are full time rappers with no full time or part time job)want to be a rapper? I absolutely have no problem with the art form; in fact, I am a die hard Rick Ross fan. (I know, hard to believe, right?? I would spit some lyrics right now off the top of the dome, but I'll save it for another post!! LOL) But honestly, what happened to our dreams? I am in a bewildered state.

Something has gone wrong from fantasy to reality. Education is thought of as nonessential and everything in one's wildest imagination is seen as possible. Sure I wish I could sing and dance like Beyonce'(not really but that's the first comparison that popped into my head!!), but the reality is that I AM NOT B. You are not Lil Wayne, or any other high profile rapper nor should it be your dream to be. We have been living in the fantasy world of entertainment as priority when it is not intended to be that way. Entertainment's purpose in our lives is meant to be an option when availible not for you to blow your dreams and money on.

We don't teach our babies to dream anymore. We push them to excell in sports because we played star runningback from jfl to highschool or made the final shot for the state championship senior year. But we don't push them to read any and evey book they can get their hands on. We don't feed their love of learning when they are young. We tell them it's okay if you don't like school, just play basketball and do kinda okay in school so you can get a scholarship then leave college early so you can declare draft for the NBA. Did you know a black man has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than being in the NBA???

I in no way doubt the talent and skills of those who have made a career in the world of entertainment, but even entertainers know the field is a shark tank. The smart ones invest--Serena and Venus are minority owners of the Miami Dolphins not to mention their numerous investments in fashion. Jay-Z built his empire beyond rap--the Nets, Rocawear, etc. The point is that they used their public persona as a platform to attain their dreams. I'm sure along the way they educated themselves to make informed decisions.

BUT this is a minority in the universe. Others must take a less public profile to reach our dreams. It is NOTHING wrong with working and dreaming. In fact I work two jobs and then work on dream. I know it, my dream, will make room for me. I am quite positive it will come to fruition in due time. We must, we must teach our children to dream. Dream to be lawyers, doctors, teachers, engineers, therapist, inventors, dentist, etc. We must expose them to the possibilies beyond television, beyond popular entertainment. Teach them to influence the world by expanding their brains through education. High school is not enough. They must attend college and/or trade school. They must dream without limitations.

Our failure to teach other children to dream is a blatant disrespect to the many souls who willingly gave their lives so we COULD dream a reality.

Tiffany Nicole, MD

2011-08-08T14:00:00.002-05:00

I loved the young Neil Patrick Harris in the budding medical drama Doogie Howser, MD. He was the child prodigy who tried to balance teen life and being a doctor. I don't know what it is about the show I loved, but I think the geek in me loved the idea of a kid having all the answers. Reminscing now, I see the errors of my young and innocent thought process. By no means do I want to know all the answers.

Sounds suspect, huh. But I'm being completely truthful. I don't want to know all the answers, I can see the temporal gladness knowing all the answers could bring.

Some many of my answers in life came from the very few, let me quit lying, the SEVERAL mistakes I have made along the way. It is by error I have learned the vaue of love and truth and life. Imagine if we knew all things at all times? Boy, no more surprise birthday parties! But seriously knowing all would be no more living. The great part of life is trust and trust takes risks, blind risks at that. That risk creates faith. That faith reassures us great benefits.

By no means am I encourging ignorance, infact it's quite the opposite. The search for truth and knowledge goes beyond just finding the answers and being a know-it-all. A part of knowledge is knowing timing. We must stop trying to diagnose it all. We must live in the sometime uncertainity that truth and love IS certain to appear and perform in its full capacity in its due time. Through a recent conversation with my Uncle Jeff I recieved these exact words.. "God made us human beings not human doers...stop doing and just be." Be the man or woman you are to be. Stop searcing for the answers to be and just be. I am no longer in fascination with finding all the answers; I am more focused on living to be the answer.

Rebellion

2011-07-21T12:05:00.004-05:00

The 15th of July holds so many memories for me: my mom's birthday, my granny's birthday, my cousin's birthday and they day my brother was killed. This year my mom and I attended a gathering at my granny's. I so enjoyed myself, gotta love the family. Some how or another the discussion of my blog came up and one of my aunts asked me what it was called. I told her and she asked me if I was a rebel. Without a shadow of doubt I told her absolutely! In fact, I told her I break all the rules, aren't we supposed to??

I know, I know. Many of you are going to the extreme and immediately ponder the plethora of illegal activites I could be involved in...but take a small step back and change directions for a moment. Let's explore this concept of rebellion before you have me serving 15 to life for running an underground cocaine cartel!

By defintion rebellion is a noun, which means it is a "thing" which means resistance to authority or control or tradition. The form of this authority, control, or tradition could be several other nouns--parents, governments, ideals, the "norm," society, etc. So a rebel would be one who resists authority, control, or tradition. We tend to think of rebellion in a negative shade, but not I.

In its pure state we should all be rebels. Damn the MAN, whatever form of resistance he may take. Within us all we should desire the pursuit of truth. And to pursue the truth requires that we do the unpopular. Angela Davis says it best, "We all know the road to freedom is stalked by death." An injustice must die in order to make the truth more visible. Notice I said more visible. The truth always exists and needs no help to do so. But, it can be blurred by an injustice. So eradicating the injustice with allow the glow of truth to be seen from see to shining sea.

The heart of my rebellion is in the eradicating. I refuse to be quiet. When I have the urge to speak, I will do so, no matter who I am speaking to. I will rock boat, stir the pot, push the envelope,and etc. Why? Because we have allowed ourselves to be believe the lie that silence is golden in all situations. We sit back, fall into a mundane routine, complain of the woes of the world and do nothing. We care only for "our four and no more." We are miserbly happy--impossible, right? Nawww it's possible! We are happy because we have arrived to a position we believe is enough for mediocore survival and vacation. Our families are happy, healthy, and provided for yet our local communities are suffering. But we say, "it's not my fault. They had the same opportunities as I did." That's misery. When we can't help our brothers and sisters, that's misery. Not taking an active stand is defeat and misery. We willingly follow a system created to isolated and destroy.

We were created to fight for the truth at all cost. And I proudly take that honor.

Ok, yeah, alright...
I find it hard to say, that everything is alright
Don't look at me that way, like everything is alright
Cuz my own eyes can see, through all your false pretenses
But what you fail to see, is all the consequences
You think our lives are cheap, and easy to be wasted
As history repeats, so foul you can taste it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
His life so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives so incomplete, and nothing can replace it
Fret not thyself I say, against these laws of man
Cuz like the Bible says, His blood is on their hands
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say, is rebel
While today is still today, choose well
And what I gotta say, is rebel, it can't go down this way
Choose well, choose well, choose well...
...choose well, choose well, choose well
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
Your lives are so incomplete, and nothing, and no one, can replace it
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
And what I gotta say, and what I gotta say
Is rebel... rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel
Repent, the day is far too spent, rebel... rebel!
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...
Wake up and rebel
We must destroy in order to rebuild
Wake up, you might as well
Oh are you... oh are you satisfied
Oh are you satisfied
Rebel... ohhh rebel
Why don't you rebel, why don't you rebel?
Why don't you rebel?
Lauryn Hill, MTV Unplugged

So I'm Single and I'm Suppose to love it?? I think NOT!!

2011-07-14T18:45:00.000-05:00

Nothing about me is ordinary. I pride myself on walking to my own beat. Sometimes I use a drum sometimes it's all in my head. I have come to terms that my uniqueness is pure beauty. Yeah I'm a bit quirky and sometimes goofy but hey, I love it! And those who truly know me, love me for being Tiffany. In this complexity of Tiffany my mind is always on the go questioning the status quo and considering actions to rebel against the norm.

So I was thinking, why do people say they are single and loving it?? Let's drive straight down Truth Lane people! No man (in this case meaning human being) desires to be alone. We were created for relationships. In their true essence, a relationship is designed to bring quality and meaning to one's life. Now we have several types of relationships adding variety to our lives. We build these relationships and enjoy what they add to us. So why would we love being without an intimate relationship that could create history and legacy in our lives???

This concept of "loving it" puzzles me. Sure I enjoy all the relationships in my life; mother/daughter, friends, student/teacher, etc. Each one has a distinct role in my life and has helped to create the woman I am becoming. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in the principle of reciprocity and truth. I love the relationships that I have build and look forward to sharing my world with that "one" someday soon.

By no means does anyone love being single. I refuse to believe that version of truth,(which I believe is a lie). It is every single person's desire to create a love relationship, as well is it mines. BUT that doesn't mean I absolutely hate being single. To be it is just a chapter in my life book. Some chapters are a blink of an eye, others seem to stretch beyond, but I'm cool with it. My life book, as well as yours, is full of celebrations, tragedies, slips, dips, cruves, and green lights, and flashing caution signs. In all I don't regret one moment of it. I know there is so much for me to accomplish as in this single chapter of my book. Places for me to go, people for me to see, and a little shopping like I done lost my mind along the way!!! And most times it's on my babies---Sweet Pea, Snoodie, and Buddy. (Little cousin, niece and nephew. Occasionally I get it in for me too--gotta do it for the fans--I know I'm a handful!!)

Yet my point is this, yes I'm single. Do I love it, nawwwww not quite. And quite honestly that's okay. I refuse to allow the pressures of society or people to dictate what I know to be the TRUTH. It's all a part of this amazing thing called life. I'm A okay with being me! I'm content in the state I find myself in. Right now, this chapter ain't too bad!! In fact, I'm soooo happy being me. I love my life and the direction (FORWARD) that I am going. Just like any great read, I can't wait to get to the next chapter!! In due time, it will come when it will come. And it's timing will be perfect.

Until we meet again remember, it only takes ONE to start a revolution---get FREE!

Waiting for Human Impossible

2011-07-09T10:16:00.002-05:00

I have been having this desire to write the past few days and thought returning to blogging would be my best outlet. In fact, I have come up with some creative topic ideas and titles to accompany them. My problem seems to be with being consistent! I have these great ideas but I must learn to be committed to them. So here it goes....

This morning I read a status post from a friend that read: It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen. Immediately I began to thinking, but why? If we already know the truth what does it gain us to continue to live a lie?? This condition is the story of many of our lives. We perpetuate ill will upon ourselves. The longer we place ourselves in these situations, the longer we deny the power of truth its existence in our lives. Truth is a bad boy ya'll!!! It's momentary pain contains a life time of gain. Let's break this down...

The pain of truth comes from the recognition that a problem does exist. Removing ourselves from the state of denial can be a beast! But have more confidence in yourself. The great part is most times we already know what the problem is, yet some form of fear holds us back in denial. Whatever the case my be, you have more power than what you give yourself credit for. To lose is to gain. Lose fear, lose denial, and lose yourself to gain yourself. To gain yourself is more valuable than rubies, silver, and gold. Yes to take hold of who you are and live in your unique identity is priceless.

So why wait for someone else to release you? Release yourself. You are the one who holds you in bondage. You have the power to cancel your own debt. Why wait for a mere man to perform magic when you already see the truth?

I'm Still Waiting

2010-11-29T14:53:00.002-06:00

It has been too long. Way too long. Perhaps somewhere in the time frame of seven months. In the lean time I joined facebook--oh the devil, lost weight, gained it back, losing some now, had money trouble, got out of money trouble, feel in love, and let love go. My life has been in plethora--overabundance. In its original form the term is actually a medical term meaning excess of bodily fluid. I have no clue where I learned that from, but I do know it's befitting for my life at the moment. It is the state of affairs for me. I have an overabundance of things and no place to fit those things, literally and figuratively speaking.

My thoughts have been expanded beyond belief. I started a new class at church and the study group has been amazing. I am seeing things on a spiritual level I have never ever seen before and I am so grateful for God's presence in my life. This new vision has led me release my love. I know this sounds strange and typical--woman leaves man for The Man, but please let me explain...I have come to a revelation, I don't want to me like my mother. She was in a decade long physically abusive relationship. Though my love was not physical he was abuse. I relinquished by control to him and my life was miserable. It is so easy to fall for what we don't want and I found that out. I wanted soooo much to let it go but then I didn't. Simple advice was not easy to follow. The real issue was deeper than we. His father was an abuser and my mother was a victim and years later we continued to play the roles. But I stopped. That's not what I want.

How I stopped, I really don't know. I just did. I woke up one day and said enough was enough. And now I just take it as it comes. I have not given up on encountering a new love. He will come; and so I will wait...

One area of lack seems to be my writing. I'm struggling. I haven't picked up pen nor pencil in over a year. I keep search for a flame to ignite my coals but...it's still dark and cold. Last night my aunt told me what I was searching for was within so that's what brought me here.

I guess I'm like L-Boogie, I have soooo much to say right now ....

Paying Tribute

2010-02-05T15:03:00.003-06:00

Since it is February, the month of love--in some many forms and ways--romantic, platonic, and historical, I thought I would pay so "love" to one of the greatest teachers I encountered in my life; Mr. Charles warr. Mr. Warr was my 4th grade teacher at Franklin Elementary School. Tall, dark, big lips, and short fro Mr. Warr always gained our attention. In part because many of us were from homes with single mothers that daddies rarely visited it was great to have a true male authoritative figure that paid attention to us.

He pushed us; a little was never enough in Mr. Warr's class. I distinctly remembered him assigning us to write an essay in response to MLK's I Have a Dream. At that age I had no clue that I was on the verge of tapping into my love of writing because of this man. I knew I some-what liked to write but this essay showed the possibilities. After he gave out the assignment, I hurriedly scribbled my response and handed Mr. Warr my essay. He told it from my eager hands, quickly glanced it over and then shoved it back into my hands.

"Fix this, this, and this. Write more." He pointed to the specific parts I needed to correct without even looking my direction.

Afraid to reply. In my day having words after the teacher spoke was considered "talking back." I simply turned around, walked over to my desk and went to work. After I added a few more scribbles to the collection, I took the walk back to his desk. He sat there eating an orange and reading the local paper. I didn't speak, just handed him the paper. He looked down at it again...

"Write more." As he sectioned off another piece of his orange.
"Mr. Warr!!"
"You wanna win, don't you?" He was referring to the fact that this essay was a contest sponsored by the local chapter of the junior league.
"I don't know. I just wanna write the assignment and get it done."
"well," he handed it back to me yet again.

I had no choice, I took the essay and put the pen back on the paper. It felt like a challenge now. I had to "prove" that I could write the best fourth grade possible. I was focused. Head down, eyes focused and I begin reworking the heck out of that essay.

In hindsight Mr. Warr knew what he was doing. It was announced over the static-filled PA that I won the fourth grade school wide contest and then would go one to compete in the district wide contest. And guess what--I won that one too.

In honor of Black History Month, I remember those who helped make my history memorable: Mr. Charles Warr. Mr. Warr I thank you for taking an active interest in my life as a student and as a writer. You sparked the match that light by ignition for writing. You purposely broke off a piece of you and deposited it into me. You are a part of the teacher and writer that I am today! Thank you!

Limiting the limitless

2010-02-01T08:26:00.002-06:00

I have so much that I wanna say but it seems to be stuck. Somewhere between yesterday and today. Like it didn't wanna rise from its seductive slumber, cozy under warm winter fleece blankets.

I have been looking for these words to randomly appear; after my morning routine--but still no words; between pinning my hair and applying my mascara--but still no words.

It's almost like they have left me. Retreated to their own comfort zone.

Oh where, oh where have my little words gone??

Token

2010-01-28T15:24:00.003-06:00

So much has within the past month concerning me at the high school. I started back with my PR job, which is not the highlight of my career, but the job was given to me and I had no choice. I ain't when jobs become labors. I admit, I don't do the job well at all. I mean I do it half-ass. Seriously I do. I do the publication part great. Putting the news letter together and all that is like butter--easy on and off. But the other parts of the job just plain suck for me. So I took matters into my own hands and quit. Yep put in my letter of resignation and called it a d.a.y! I was so proud of myself for actually shutting my mouth and doing something positive. Besides the extra pay I get is well compensated with my night gig at the college. In fact what I make at the college is 50% more than the PR job! Now I can focus on my duties as a teacher..whew!

On the other front, as the only person of any color at the high school, I am often asked to do things just because of my color. I know it sounds so racist and it is but see it's the truth. Often times I put the black bia down on them but this time I was so taken back that it nodded like a good girl. One of my admins came to me and asked me to be on an interview panel of teachers for the school. We are going through an accreditation process as a school and the team that performs the evaluation interviews a group of teachers. Yep I was chosen because I was the colored girl of the school! Good ole token is what I have become. See I know most people would be disgusted at my terminology, understandably. But know I don't walk into the term willingly. It is a reality of my situation. Do I love my job, umm heck yeah!! No other place I would rather be at the moment. But the reality is the school needs to do more. Now do I bring this to their attention, you better believe it. It is horrible that a school with a growing population of black, hispanic, asian & other ethic students does not have a growing population of teachers that represent their student body. So please know I raise my black glove high as can be everyday!!

It is amazing how this subject lends itself to other parts of my like as well. Take for example I was at church, yes church, and one of the ladies asked me to participate in a Black History activity. I told her no. She got mad. I was really joking and being a smartass in my normal sarcastic manner. I guess she didn't take it that way. She told me--you of all people should want to be a part. You got locs and miss natural hair and all. See now she had my attention, what does my hair have to do with ANY of this conversation?? My hair is a style choice--(I'll save the hair philosophy for another post). I just bit my tongue and walked away. Wow the logic and thought process of people can be scary! Yeah I got natural hair and I love my black people, but the two don't necessarily have any correlation or cause and effect relationship. If I had a perm, like her, I would still love my black people. So because I have locs I should love more or show more??? Damn stop doing me and worrying about me and do YOU well!!!

Happy 2010

2010-01-26T16:39:00.002-06:00

I know, I know, I'm super duper late but Happy 2010 to all of my virtual world friends. May this year be all that you desire it to be. Take time to go beyond your "regular" yearly assessment and truly map your life. Make SMART goals. Goals that are:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic &
Timely

So here's the real stuff. I know I have been MIA for quite some time. The short of the long. Old Flame is official in the same town as I am. He came to town right before Thanksgiving. It was the first time in a few years that he and his siblings where home for the holidays at the same time. It was great to meet all this family. And just a side note, his mom loves me as well as his older sisters!! (I know how to work the magic!!)

Because of his permanent layoff he stayed until the new year. It was amazing to spend all of my time with him every day for two months straight. I loved it. So he made the decision to move back home after being gone for about 10 plus years. (I'll save that story for another post.)

So he will be here officially Feb 1, 2010. Right now he is back in MN taking care of moving business and getting all things together. The time we spent together really made our relationship so much stronger. Though we fought like cats and dogs many days, we made it work. The fights help us to work things out we would not be able to encounter if we were not in same place.

So now I'm back at work with both jobs, working the days at the high school and nights at the college plus all the in between things like church involvement and such. And I gotta make it all work together.

So I'm back on the blog. I need to continue to feel myself with positive light and writing does just that for me. So yes my man did take me away for a minute and I'm glad he did....

What was I thinking??

2009-11-23T08:23:00.002-06:00

So apparently this morning I broke the cardinal rule (and didn't even know it). I was getting dressed for this short week, we have to work Monday & Tuesday then Teacher institute Wednesday, and my phone rings and I answered it. My ear hustling boyfriend who is still laying in the bed wakes up as I end my conversation:

Me: "Well I'll holla at you later"
BF: "Who was that?"
Me: "Trent"
BF: "Who?? Why is he calling you this early in the morning? He miss you or something? He always call you this early in the morning?(We had just made it back home after a weekend trip)"
Me: Super side eye
BF: "What was you talking to him about"
Me: "Nothing, He just said he was on his way home from work and called me. It's nothing."
BF: "Man did I come all the way down here so you could play me?? Just tell me what is going on."
Me: "Nothing is going on. He is a friend. NOTHING more. I told you about him. What you want me to do, stop being his friend?? What?"
BF: "Why did you even answer the phone? You saw me here. Why he call you like this all the time?"
Me: "it was automatic, the phone rang and I answered it. I didn't think anything of it. I have nothing to hide from you. Sorry. I really didn't think anything of me answering the phone. I keep the conversation less than a 45 sec."
Bf: "But you didn't have to even answer the phone while I was right here."
Me: "Ok. Next time I will not answer the phone."

So that's the start of the conversation, yes there was more on the ride to work. I keep my cool collective demeanor the whole time. I felt like I was a badgered witness!! Then he throws in, "ok I'm down with the conversation" only to start it back up four minutes later. I just let him talk. At this point, to me there is nothing more to say. Nothing I say is going to change the way he feels so why say it. I guess he was expecting me to go there with him, but I didn't. Wayyyy to early for that. And I am so not a morning person. Just get me to work!!!

So as I process the conversation now (although I have tons of papers to grade...been out for a few days because of having oral surgery) what the hell was I thinking??? I seriously didn't even think, I just answered my phone. I didn't speak in code or anything. Just said: "hello, getting ready for work, so you decide to call me this early, well I'll holla at you later." Oh and that reminds me, he also through in "So when are you going to call him back, on your lunch break?" By then I was heated, literally boiling on the inside! But I keep my cool. I was proud of myself for that. So I guess the lesson learned is don't answer the phone and I won't...

Advice

2009-11-07T18:58:00.002-06:00

So earlier in the week I gave one of my senior classes an excerpt of Dr. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon University. I know you all heard of him; innovative man who turned the virtual world into reality and died last year at 47 years old. He shares some amazing things in his speech. I seemed to get more out of it than the kids. That happens sometimes. Information that I hope the would make a connection to goes right over their heads. Some days I seriously wonder what the ???? I was thinking deciding to become a teacher. But anyway, back to the speech! He shared one thing that really hit me dead between the eyes...

"Stop listening at what he says and start looking at he does"

Wow. After he said that I think I stopped right then and there listening to the speech. Seriously I slowed tuned everyone out and thought about his actions. Not Dr. Pausch's but my SO. It was like my mind shifted into reflective mode and began to flip through it all.

It made me wonder if he was the one for me. If he is what I want. I mean I know everyone is not perfect and we all got work to do. But if we can't get it right and be on the same level right now, then what the hell are we doing?

I don't wanna waste time; it's one aspect of life you can never get back. I don't know if he is really want I desire for the rest of my life...

Voice Over

2009-10-29T20:21:00.002-05:00

I've been head over heels into Sista Souljah's first book, No Disrespect. My girl picked it up for me years away when she heard Souljah speak at a college function. I picked it up back then and put it down because her first fiction piece, The Coldest Winter Ever had my attention. But at this juncture in my life its fitting. She tells about those who have made an impact in her life. Though she's a bit radical in thought, I really enjoy the read. Her syntax is amazing! She makes nonfiction, no matter the situation sound elegant! Seriously! Even her foul language sounds good! I love the way the words slide off of the page into my imagination!

Like I do with every author I read, I try to find out all the information I can about their life and so on. I visited her website and noticed she has a call out for voices for an audio version of her books. I got this hair brain idea to submit my reading. I have always had this secret desire to do voice-overs. And then I say this. I know its a shot in the dark, but what do I have to lose; right nothing! So I'm gonna go for it!

The call is asking for a voice for Winter Santiaga. I've pulled out the copy of the book and been searching for 5-10 of my fav lines I can read. The call has been extended to Jan. 2010. I have a little bit of time, not much but some! I really wanna do it. If it works it works, if not I'm cool with that. What I want more than anything is to show myself I can do it.

So here's my first step into the unknown!

Happy One Year to Me!!!

2009-10-20T22:23:00.003-05:00

It's official...have been blogging for a full year. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with it. Thanks Art for getting me hooked on blogging. Without you I wouldn't be the writer I have become today! Happy year to me!!!

It's been too long...

2009-10-20T22:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in weeks. Don't know why. Maybe it's the two jobs, S.O., and other social aspects that have been in the way..LOL. Seriously the two jobs are making me work hard! I love them but it is a difficult task. I wish that I could quit the full time and work two part times, but don't think that's gonna happen soon!!! My guy says that I can't quit working because I'm not in the prime of my life. So I told him he has got to hit it big or win the lottery so I can work part time and write full time..he smiled and said he would get right on it!!!

I've been doing a lot of traveling this month. Went the Circle City Classic in Indianapolis. It was cool. Stayed in a four start hotel, The Conrad. Waaaaay nice! Then I went to Memphis for four days. Had to go for a funeral so I didn't get to do the normal fun things I usually do; namely Beal Street. But I realized on this trip I really like Memphis and Southaven, MS. I just love the south period! I think it was made for me!!! Get me a country man that's gone take care of me. Get me a nice big plantation house, a big shade tree, and some sweet tea....whatta dream!! I wish it will come true!

Got good news yesterday...I'm going to see Mint Condition in Chicago!!! I am geeked! My favorite band of all times plus Ledisi. Oh and Eric Benet---who I really don't care for but hey two outta three aint bad! I can't wait to go! November 13 here I come.

The List

2009-10-02T15:23:00.002-05:00

I thought it only befitting that I shared my list since I did talk about it yesterday. It's just a list. I am not saying I am committed to following through on anything on it at this point in my life. Although I have three tattoos I would love more. I just can't seem to justify the spending the extra cashola on a tat when it could go some place else with immediate benefits, like the house or even car. Both had projects that need to come started or finished. Anywhoo amuse my imagination:

1. Hebrew Bible verse--Deut, 6:5--And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. I want it in Hebrew which reads read to left--I'm in love with the concept.

2. Ye-yo--which means mother. Only one catch, I am not a mother!! So when I have one it will be the tat I will get.

3. A re-color and addition to current tat of hibiscus flowers.

4. CS--some initials on my wrist, I don't care to share!!! LOL

5. A small heart or peace sign, or four leaf clover, or star behind my ear. So when I pull my hair up, which I really never do, it can be admired.

6. My bros face--don't know where I want it but I want it. much love <3

7. My bros tat--silky black--yeah my mom HATES it but it was his first and I want it to be on me to remind me of him everyday--I sooo miss him and his craziness!

8. A star shower starting on my upper should and moving down. I have this fascination with stars! Love them!

9. A woman walking through fire--that's where I fill like I have been, but I not stuck in it, I'm walking through it!

So there it is. The List. I know, I know it's a lot! But again it's my imagination on the move!!!

Free Falling

2009-10-01T12:52:00.001-05:00

While on my addiction, in laymen's terms Facebook, I read a post my a friend's wall. It was a well known quote, Leap and the net will appear. I really like it. Like really, really like it. I'm definitely adding it to my list of sayings to get tatooed on my body. Digress Yes I gotta list. Some of the them will never made the cut, literally, but I just like having the list. At the moment I'm planning to get a bible versus in hebrew. I know, I know. Some people don't agree with my love of body art which I can respect. But it's my love, my body, and I have to live with it. Now back to the subject at hand!

So this quote got me thinking: how many times have I taken that leap that I talk about so much? No matter what the leap may be it's still a choice. Do I stay? Do I go? It's all about choices, choices that are in my control.

Often times I wanted to leap, but as it so eloquently does, fear talked me out of the situation. Told be I was great in my current location. I need not to interupt the status quo. And I did stay. Stay in whatever miserable situation that I made myself believe was okay at the moment. Then those moments turned into months and drug into years.

I wanna live a life of little regrets. I wanna be able to tell my children from experience that yes it is okay to take a risk in life, when if you land flat on your face, you learned something from the fall--not to do that ish anymore!!!

So here's to free falling. Stepping out with the confidence of knowing the unknown will yeild more than the known......

I was thinking...

2009-09-26T16:16:00.003-05:00

So Imma avid reader of SBM.net, and Friday's topic of discussion was a response to a dude who is dating a blogger and he couldn't understand why his girl got upset when he asked her a question about some specific information on her blog. After commenting and reading the other comments I am still thinking about it a day later.

Part of me wants to totally take my pic off my blog and change my information. I kinda got a bit paranoid. Im def not afraid of my S.O. finding my blog and reading it. He is more concerned with ESPN than blogging! But am I setting myself up for a downfall by sharing so much information about myself on the web? I mean I don't retract any of the information I have said and put out here. It is a part of me that I must embrace too. I think Lauryn Hill said it best, you can't ask 3/4 of me to stand outside the room, all of me must be present at all times...

So if this is one part of me the other is like the hell with anyone and everyone who may have a problem with me being honest with me. This blog is more about me than anyone else. I write to find some clarity in my sometimes chaotic situations. Sometimes the eyes that read are able to give me a new insight that I may not be able to see at the moment, and I respect that. But again its all a part of me.

If my S.O. does find the blog and question me about it, well I will be honest in my response. I mean what else can I do??

So for now I continue to share it all, whatever my be on my mind at the moment...

Come get this pleasure

2009-09-24T08:08:00.003-05:00

I broke down yesterday and bought a CD in fact 2, something I havn't done in a loooong time. I admit I'ma law breaker. Frostwire is my friend. Here's my logic behind the downloads (1) I gotta hear it ALL not just the one hit--I've noticed you get one good track out of the 12 listed; (2) I like mixed CDs--I don't just wanna hear Tyrese--I want him on the same CD as Joe, Usher, Fantasia, Tamia, Floetry, and the list goes on. So when I find a track I like, I add it to my playlist and just listen to music on-line. I'm not a big I-pod or MP3 person. I gotta cellphone that is a music player but even that is too much work! I just use it to text, call, and check out facebook--my latest addiction!

I know my logic doesn't make my participation in illegal activities acceptable, but in my mind they do!! Anywhoo I bought Pleasure P's last CD he dropped this summer. Gotta say I HATED him with Pretty Ricky--all their songs sound the same. But I'm diggin this solo release. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think he's the best singer (I rate him with Keyshia Cole--both need MAJOR work) but his CD is niiiiice. The youngin is doing his thang! With the extra 6 BOSE speakers in my SUV he really sings that personal concert to me (maybe he can be my BF #2...hey my BF calls Keyshia Cole his 2nd wife--at least I get first place)!!! It's definitely mood music, if you catch my drift. Under is the bomb---I will have to keep that on rotation for awhile.

The other CD I bought was India.Arie's lastest joint. I love me some India. I bought it just because I bought all here other CDs. Figure I really need to continue to be a loyal fan. Besides River Rise is my ultimate connection. When I'm lost I play that song over and over again. It really reaches my innermost being and pulls me out of whatever funk I may be in.

In the mood for some modern sensual music check out Pleasure P. Wanna connect to that inner spiritual one pop in India.

The Fight

2009-09-22T11:00:00.002-05:00

It was a knock down, drag out. Seriously we were an inch from breaking up I could go on forever about the cause, but I won't bore over the details any longer. I don't even wanna give life to them. It was resolved, we both apologized--not just one of those blank Im sorry, but I'm sorry for _______. Which made me feel so much better. One thing I learned: when you say your done with it--no matter what it may be, be done. I told him I took his word on the issue, and it's a dead issue now. He really appreciated me for saying it. And I thought it was amazing that I was able to say it.

My own actions spoke volumes to me. It so showed my maturity and committment to the relationship. Our relationship is far from perfect, still some kinks in the system but we are working on it. And that's what matters the most--our effort.

Right now I'm feelin good about where we are and were we are going...

Tired

2009-09-14T07:46:00.002-05:00

This morning I feel as if I haven't sleep in days, when in actuality I have. In fact been going to bed at no later than 11 PM each night, but I still feel like I've been through the ringer. Even my emotions are going through a roller coaster. Despite it all I'm determined to push myself beyond the way I feel. That's what life is about, right--pushing it to the limits. I don't know my limits in some areas yet, but in others I am fully aware of where I am willing NOT to go.

I almost feel like I gotta have my own private party like India.Arie:

I tried to call my mother, but
She didn’t get where I was going
I called my boyfriend and he said
Call me back a little later baby
I hung up the phone, I felt so alone
Started to feel a little pity
That’s when I realized that I
Gotta find the joy inside of me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I’m gonna take off all my clothes
Look at myself in the mirror
We’re gonna have a conversation
We’re gonna heal the disconnection
I don’t remember when it started
But this is where it’s gonna end
My body is beautiful and sacred
And I’m gonna celebrate it

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

All my life (all my life)
I’ve been looking for (I’ve been looking for)
Somebody else (else)
To make me whole (ooo)
But I had to learn the hard way (ooo)
True love began with me (ooo)
This is not ego or vanity (ooo)
I’m just celebrating me

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

I’m having a private party
Ain’t no body here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here
I’m havin’ a private party
Learning how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah

I gotta get myself out of this "funk" even it if means I gotta go by myself...

It Was a Good Trip

2009-09-08T07:55:00.003-05:00

So this past weekend I flew to MN to see my baby. We got off to a very rough start. I mean rough!! We argued while I was at Midway before the plane departed and we had a nice silent ride when I arrived. But it comes with the territory! I really enjoyed just being his is company. One night we just chilled; he watched ESPN and I messed around on Facebook. I realized I had missed him so much and this distance thing was a lot for me. I know I can survive it but it is going to be a work in progress. I know that both of us could be so much better if we were closer in distance. Honestly it does make a difference when you are 10 minutes away versus 900 miles. Yeah just about 900 miles..a 2 1/2 hour drive to Chicago then an hour flight and I'm there in half the time, but when that is not an easy sojourn!

This weekend also confirmed to me the person I thought he was and the person he really is. I gotta say, I was pretty much on point. To see him in his element was good. He didn't hold back or pretend; he was just himself. I can respect that. It was amazing how everytime we went somewhere his family and friends were like, you're the one he's been talking about! When ya'll getting married? So you my sister-in-law?? I was blown back for a minute. But it was a cute gesture in all.

We have a long way to go before the marriage thing. So kinks to continue to work on. I'm cool with that though...just taking it as it comes...one moment at a time!

Haven't Done This in Awhile.....A Piece of a Short Story

2009-09-03T11:36:00.004-05:00

She didn't lift her head. Just went on nibbling the cheese off the wax paper. It wasn't that fresh gooey cheeseburger cheese either. This cheese had time to get harden to a cold clump. The burger had been in my bag for about two hours. I bought fresh from the drive through but got so caught up grading papers I'd forgot I had it stashed on top of all the other forgotten items in my purse. There was no way I was going to carry a cheeseburger into the office. My internal eyes knew someone would see this plus sized frame and give the side eye. A small slip of the mental conversation he or she wanted to have with me. Yeah all of this was going through my head as I watched her diligently eat it all. I had to stop myself from starring but of course it was too late.

She felt my eyes glued to her actions and looked up at me.

"Sorry. Didn't eat today. Been busy," she said in a cracked smile. More like a few days I wanted to say. But of course politeness was a necessity at the moment.

"Don't apologize Miss Kendra. You're hungry. Eat." I slid the unopened soda her way as well. Then dug through my bag for the chips I knew were somewhere in there. Lip gloss. Gum. Mascara--that's where it was.

Finally grasping the plastic baggie I passed them off to her. She was hesitant at for a split second. The "I really don't need your leftovers lady" look on her face said it all. I tried to look neutral, if there is such a look. I had no clue what was going on with this girl and at this point there was no way I would let her go hungry in my presence. I once heard that you can't meet a someone at his/her need if you don't define the need. Hers at the moment was food. No talking. Just feed her.

I fought off the urge to find every morsel of food I had in my shared adjunct office. I didn't want the "look" to return. In no way did I want to offend Miss Kendra. I did want to help her in with whatever she was dealing with at the moment. Plus the big girl in me didn't wanna show her all my secrets even though I carried them on my mere being everyday.

The silence felt like five minutes but looking at my faded gold tone watch--God I need to replace this old thing--I knew it only had been a minute at max. I struggled for the right conversation starter. I couldn't just come out and ask her what she wanted in blunt terms. Or could I?

"I need help," she said in an undeniable voice of hurt and pain.

"Okay. What kind of help do you need."

"Every kind."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So this is all that I have thus far. Not sure where it is going. But I maybe on my ride home tonight I the muse might revisit!

Debrief...I Found It

2009-08-27T11:16:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. I promised to give the details of teaching my first community college class. Sorry I have been super tired from trying to adjust to the new schedule and the fact that I have to be at work all and sometimes all night...what happened to those summer days????

Anywhoo, class was absolutely AMAZING! I know without a shadow of a doubt I want to be at the college level. I was so at ease in the classroom with a mixture of traditional and non-traditional students, which was at first my biggest fear. But, I gotta have it! Seriously I can't wait for next Tuesday! It felt like I had finally found my oasis. You know the place you begin to search for and it seems to be always three steps ahead of you. You never seem to meet it at the right location at the exact same time.

Standing in front that class made me realize I had arrived. Destiny and I had shared a common space and time.

Did I Say I Was Nervous...

2009-08-25T10:22:00.002-05:00

Well I am! Seriously I feel a calm about the situation but at the same time my mind is going a mile a minute! Tonight will be the first class of the night course I teach at the local community college. I went on the final details of my syllabus, made all the needed changes and now all I have to do is print. I decided to print it off on purple paper but I don't wanna be the obsessive instructor that color codes everything so I will tread lightly---I promise! But I'm in overdrive thinking of all the details that I might have missed along the way. Just trying to make sure all my basics are covered for the first day. It's my worst fear that I am going to forget something important!

On the other end, I am excited. This is the moment I have been waiting to happen for quite some time. I wanna teach at this level and believe I will do a darn good job at it too. Don't get me wrong I love the high school, but it's not for me. I'm not a strong disciplinarian and besides there are soooooooooooo many pressures in the high school classroom. I want a little bit of freedom and be around people who have decided to come to class because THEY want what this class has to offer.

So here I go...I'll give you the update tomorrow!

Aww..Friday is here!

2009-08-21T14:07:00.002-05:00

Yes, yes it is finally arrived, beloved Friday. The day we all look forward to on Monday!!! Thus far my Friday has been filled with great things. School's out. We are operating on a "heat schedule" (though at the moment it is raining) until after Labor Day so school is dismissed at 1:45. My classes were really good. I taught bell to bell (when the bell rings to begin and then to dismiss) and I had all the student's attention! I'm so proud of myself. I know it is only the beginning, but good starts lead to great finishes!!!

I also booked my flight to see Old Flame...super excited about it!! It's just a weekend but we will make it a good one! My only angst is the Chicago Midway Airport parking. Thank good it is only a weekend so I should only have to pay less than 50 bucks. The 2 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport is okay by me. It's worth the $48each way ticket (Southwest is my new best friend!)

I'm headed to the salon to get a pedicure...thinking about a gold color to complement my skin tone....

And did I mention it's Friday!! I'm happy simply of it's the weekend!

Don't Carry Nothing That Might Be a Load...

2009-08-17T18:10:00.002-05:00

So I'm partially addicted to Facebook. I say partially because I don't get all into the extra stuff you can do like sorrity life, farmville, etc. I just wanna keep up with those I have lost contact along the way and most importantly be semi-noise. I care how your life has been going but.....the point (oh yeah let me get back to it) is that my girl Queen had these lyrics posted on her wall and it totally got me thinking.

First it has been forever since I seen The Wiz. I know everyone is on a MJ kick and maybe it's a flick I might try to go find in the next week or so. But really struck me was the revelation of those simple words. ..

Come on And

Ease on down, Ease on down the road
come on, Ease on down, Ease on down the road
don't you carry nothing that might be a load come on, Ease on down Ease on down, down the road

Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down the road(ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Pick your left foot up, when your right foots down
Come on lets keep moving and don't you lose the ground
You just keep on Keepin' on the road that you choose
Don't you give up walking cause you gave up shoes

Ease on down, Ease on down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)

Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road (ease on down)
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the....

For there may be times, when you wish you wasn't born
And you wake one morning just to find your courage gone
but you know that feeling only last a little while
you just stick with us we'll show you how to smile (yeah)

Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down (ease on down the road)
Get 'em up, goin' down(ease on down the road)
Get 'em up Get 'em up (ease on down the road)

I mean what else is there to say??? The lyrics along speak for themselves! As I walked into my classroom today (yes today was my first official day back--mixed feelings) I decided that I don't have to carry the burdens that were not my own. This year in order to be the best teacher I gotta be the best person all around. This means I gotta relieve my back of loads that I had no business carrying in the first place.

Value

2009-08-13T15:00:00.002-05:00

According to the justice system, human life has no value. NFL quarterback Donte Stallworth received 30 days for killing a 59 year old pedestrian while driving drunk but Michael Vick served 18 months for running a dog fighting ring. I don't get it. Put all the monetary issues aside and really consider this situation, human vs animal. I understand some people value their pets but I'm quite sure it hurt me most to lose my brother than our puppy. In fact I forgot about losing the pup until about an hour ago, but I will never forget that brother was killed.

What a sad state. Human life has lost its value. This man killed a man. Not slightly injured. Mr. Mario Reyes will never be seen, touched, or heard again. Though the same can be said for those poor dogs but there are more dogs. In fact the animal shelter has to euthanize dogs everyday because there are no homes for them and little fuss is made.

Though I am the ultimate Falcon fan in no way am I justifying Vick's actions. Just pointing out the inconsistencies in life.....

Over and Over

2009-08-11T20:03:00.004-05:00

Gotta say things are getting better for me. Since Saturday I have had a great release and I'm realizing not going to see Old Flame was a good thing for me. I did some work at my church and I heard a song that really pushed me into my sunshine. I realized there is a bright sun after the clouds.....

Vashawn Mitchell featuring Kim Burrell Over and Over

Over and over I ask myself what am I still doing here
Continually to continue to wake me up again
What am I still doing here, that is the question
I ask myself, what am I still doing here?
These are the questions in my head,
Lord I'm asking for your help to find myself
my life you kept

You keep loving me, when I couldn't even love myself
You forgive me when I do wrong over and over again
You chastise me, Lord you put me back in my place
That's how you show me you love me over and over again

So there must be a reason why I'm still here
It is evident and it is so clear
There is a calling,calling on my life
A higher calling, that's why I gave you my life

Self Sabatoge

2009-08-07T16:54:00.002-05:00

So I'm supposed to fly up North to see Old Flame tomorrow (Saturday, but I don't think I am going to go. Why? I have no clue. I'm at a point in my life where I am broken. I have lost some motivation over the past few months. I'm not lost, but I'm not found by no means. I think about my brother everyday. The slightest thing can make me emotional. Like to the point where I cry!

My Aunt says it's God trying to get my attention. He's waiting for me to turn back to Him and really fall before Him. I do agree. My spirit is lacking a bit. I am the first to admit. I have fallen off on my personal relationship with God. I was so much more attentive to it, but lately it has been like everything else getting less than what it deserves.

I also am having second thoughts about Old Flame. I'm asking myself if this is what I really want. I don't feel like I have anything to offer at the moment. I found myself the other day totally doing things out of character just to get a rise out of him. In my mind I was flippin like, whooooaa this is not the Tiffany I know. He paid for my way to come see him but I don't wanna go. I want to go so that we can have a great face to face conversation but at the same time I am not sure about this. I think because I can all these wacky feelings going on in my mind and heart that being with him will only complicate my issues. And I don't need any more complexities at the moment.

So what is a girl to do?

Am I Needy?

2009-08-04T17:17:00.005-05:00

So I worked the majority of the day moving into a new classroom across the hall from my current classroom. Though I'm not super excited about the move, I'm trying to be a team player, ya know. I made a bitch move in May and now I may be paying for it! Not one of my finest moments but I gotta deal with it. Being a bitch can be costly. Anyway that's so not the direction I intended to go with this post. But I may have to go back and explore the cost of being a bitch later in a post! Everything has a price, huh?

Now to the real topic. Old Flame and I have been "courting" since April. Of course there has been a moment or two when I had to go there. You know what I mean. Tell him how I saw the situation and put all cards on the table. Being in a long distance relationship tends to have these communication issues that can be difficult to solve because things get lost in translation. Because he can't see my facial expressions and the rise of my voice can be misleading--at least I think so! Anywho--we had a real drag out during one of the rare moments and I thought it was going to be the end of us. I really did but somehow we have keep on working it together.

But I question myself, though I haven't asked him, if I am being a bit too needy. I don't wanna be the chick who seems to need mouth to mouth resuscitate every other day. Despite it's catchy hook and lyrics I don't wanna be like J. Holiday--

I can't breathe when you talk to me

I can't breathe when you're touching me

I suffocate when you're away from me

So much love you take from me

I'm goin outta my mind

But I find myself wanting to talk to him as much as I can. In my mind I wanna justify my actions because we do live so far apart and secondly I know school it is going to start back soon and the talk time is going to be very precious. Not only will I be teaching 5 preps (that's teacher talk meaning teaching 5 different classes) I will be teaching a night class at the local community college and working in their writing lab. Because I do teach writing I gotta grade papers! Clarification I gotta grade essays! Numerous essays! Somewhere in the melee I gotta find time to continue my workouts, my volunteer time, and have somewhat of a social life with my girls! Then I gotta make time to talk to him and go see him when it is my turn (we alternate).

I feel like I gotta hold on so tight so that I won't lose grip of this new thing in my life. Why I feel this way???? IDK Part of my is afraid of losing someone that I love so dear like I lost my brother. In my mind I know it's a totally different situation and person but my heart is so tender and afraid. Old Flame came at the time when I realized I had not dealt with my brother's death and I began to walk through the process. He has been so good during this time. He listens to me cry and helps me to "see" the situation and that sometimes I tend to be a bit harsh on myself.

So besides this transfer of fear I guess I'm looking at the coming months & wondering if I really want this relationship or I am trying to find a way to back out. Part of me is like I don't need this right now. Not being self-centered at all, I can basically have any man that I want. Being a single woman is a damn powerful situation! I can date and play the field. I can have my cake and eat it too! Been then done that and it's really not me. It gets tiring after a way. You just want one man to love you for who you are. So now that I have that why do I feel like I am being super needy with him.

Maybe the distance thing is playing with my mind. Do I think he has some chick up there, nope! I have no doubt in my mind that he only has eyes for me. That's not the issue. It's something that I can't seem to put my hands on right now. Something is making me wanna be all in his grill and I really don't wanna be all in his grill---if that makes sense!

Maybe it's the time. He has always been in and out of my life. But no matter where I was he always found me. Our high school time together was so puppy love and fresh. Then I went to college and we saw each other at odd places--gas stations, stoplights, etc. He even thought about moving back home. I was so focused on school that I didn't give him a lot of attention. I knew if I took my eye off school for one moment, it was over! I was a couple of steps away from wildin' out and I knew it! So I had to play him to the left in a little bit. So now that we are adults and the opportunity has presented itself again I don't wanna lose it so I hold on dearly to it all.

So what makes me think I am needy? Well the fact that I wanna talk to him any chance I get--lately 3 or 4 times a day. I don't care if the conversations are 8 minutes or 30 minutes. I just wanna hear his voice. It's odd to me too. I think something is wrong with me.......

I'm Home!

2009-08-02T12:18:00.002-05:00

So I made it in this morning from beautiful Atlanta, GA. The weather was super nice for my vaca and all was well--I take that back; it was a roller coaster of a trip.

#1 Touched down Saturday--one of the best flights I have ever taken total trip time 1:25 mins. But it took 2 hours to get to my dad's because of the traffic! 85 was down to one lane so we tried to take a different route and it was stand still traffic!!! I was in traffic longer than I was on the dang-on plane.

#2 Saturday night I spent with my cousins--got a little wasted. Take that back a lot wasted on Skyy vodka. I normally don't drink much but Skyy is so smooth you really don't realize how much you are drinking. Then went to the Waffle House. Trouble! I was soooooo sick the next day. I could barely move! I think it was the food. I was straight until I ate. I sleep the whole day--literally the whole day. It wasn't until Monday that I started feeling better.

#3 I had courage enough, after 8 trips down there, to finally start driving around by myself. I was soooo excited. Like a 16 yr. old with her L's! I drove my step-mom's truck everywhere! It was starting to feel like a second home!

#4 So I'm my dad's only child. He has been living in the ATL area since I was six. I started visiting him when I turned 14. Of course he takes care of me when I visit, but this visit was a little different. He bought me anything I wanted. Seriously! I didnt have to come out of pocket for anything. He even bought me a laptop----I KNOW! I was so shocked and excited that I got scared. It was like the still quiet before the storm.

#5 I love my cousins but damn! One has a BAD ass son! This little dude is an hell raiser! He doesn't want to got to the bathroom so he shits & pisses in corners of the house. Too much!

#6 Ate at my fav ATL area spot, This is it! I love that place! It's about 40 mins from my dad's house but damn it worth the drive!

#7 Got a phone call while on vaca asking me to work in the writing lab at the local community college. Way stoked! God is really showing me favor! I'll be teaching a night class there as well. I think this might be my time to shine! Watch out! They done gave me an opening now I'm about to kick some walls down so somebody can have a better view!

#8 My cousin made me miss my flight. I was highly pissed! I mean highly! Thankfully I got rescheduled for free. But if I had to pay then there was going to be hell to pay the piper! But now that I'm home I'm good! I know now not to depend on them suckas!

I'm back home chillin on the new laptop, hey it's kinda nice! I like! Imma relax and get ready to head up north in a few days to see Old Flame--I gotta see my baby! Then its back to work! Yuck!

Headed to ATL

2009-07-24T10:42:00.002-05:00

The day has finally come for me to head to ATL. I'm sooo excited to see my daddy and my step-mom. I try to make it down there at least once a year. I know that seems so long between visits but hey we are in a recession. And besides I really only like to fly. Sit back relax and one hour and 45 minutes later we are in ATL. If I were to drive it like 11 hours...9 hours too long!!! But I'm excited about going. My BFF is going to. She just so happens to be engaged to my cousin and it is going to be the first time we are travelling together. The only time I really get to travel is in the summer because of work. Besides who like to take a trip only to take work with you and come back to more work!!

Though I'm uber (a step above super) excited about going I am still a little sadden. Old Flame does care about me going but he knows this is like my "last" trip for a while and he wanted to see me again before I go back to work. I'm trying to work my schedule to take one more trip before I head back to work on the 17th. It's gonna be tough. And I may have to bring work with me, which is never a pleasure. But I guess I will have to make it work if I do decide to go see him.

On the other hand, my lame a** laptop crashed again. Yes last summer the hard drive crashed and it has happened again! I can't decide if I want to get it fixed again or chalk it up to the game and purchase a new one. Cost effectiveness tells me it may be cheaper to have it repaired than buy a new one. But I can see the custom one right now. Me clicking away on the keys working out the details of this new book idea I got. I really got two concepts that I desperately need to get on paper. The information is swirling in my head the vanilla has mixed with the chocolate and its coming together but I gotta get it out. Why is "turning" the handle the hardest part??? I got this "stuff" in my creative mind and I don't take the time to get it out!! I'mma mess. I know that writing is a gift from God but I have not had the passion to pursue it like I used to. There's a big disconnect somewhere and I have yet to find it. Maybe this vaca will help to refocus on what I really want to do. I honestly believe my wealth is tied into my writing. Though I love teaching I have yet to meet the millionaire teacher!!!! LOL

At any rate I'm off!!! Maybe I'll come back with pics from the A! Deuces for about a week or so!

Can You Stand the Rain?

2009-07-13T17:01:00.003-05:00

Yeah I know the title of another song. But this time it's not Mint Condition. It's New Edition. BTW they was the bomb on the BET Awards! Even BBD put it down! Okay back to the title...so I just got done talking to Old Flame and he was so excited that even though he was not in the best of moods talking to me managed to make him feel better. I smiled when he said this. To me what's the point of the conversation if it can't be personable, ya know?? I mean I don't think I told him anything special. I just reminded him that it will rain from time to time in our life; it's supposed to. But I'm in his corner and no matter what it is I'm hear to listen and support. He says that I'm the only woman who has never judged him and who really sees him for who he really is...I was so touched when he said those words.

That's what I'm here for, right? I mean the point of being in a relationship or building any relationship for that matter if you can't find solace and comfort in know that when it pours you have someone to hold the umbrella as you wonder to and fro? Honestly we all need somebody and I'm happy I could be that person for him. Today's conversation made he realize why I am falling in love with him. He is so transparent. He let's me see him as he is and he is not ashamed of the mistakes he has made because the are an instrumental part of the man he has become. I think that is such a rarity and I love it. It makes for real conversation and generally great communication. I don't mind getting wet with him on my side.......

On a perfect day I know that I can count on you.

When that's not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?

Cause I need somebody who will stand by me.

Through the good times and bad times

she will always, always be right there.

Sunny days, everybody loves them, tell me baby can you stand the rain?

Storms will come, this we know for sure.

Can you stand the rain?

Love unconditional--I'm not asking this of you

And girl to make it last I'll do whatever need to be done.

But I need somebody who will stand by me.

When it's tough she won't run.

She will always be right there for me.

Sunny days everybody loves them

Tell me baby can you stand the rain? Can you stand it?

Storms will come, I know, I know all the days won't be perfect.

This we know for sure, But can you stand it?

Can you stand the rain?

Can you stand the rain? No pressure, no pressure from me baby.

Cause I want you, and I need you, and I love you girl.

Tell me baby can you stand the rain?

Will you be there for me?

Come on baby let's go get wet.

Meant to be Mint

2009-07-07T17:52:00.002-05:00

So I have always talked about my love for Mint Condition...the BEST band in the world, and yesterday Old Flame called me so I could listen to one of his fav songs and it just so happen to be Mint Condition's Nothing Left to Say on their most recent album, E-life, by the way is an independent release. He is into producing music and he loves the concept of the song. As he played it I mouthed the words, I know them all on this cd and the last one too, Livin' the Luxury Brown. Listening to the song I realized I really love the fact that we vib on a lot of things. Stealing a from my fav band, I believe we are meant to be.....

I'm Ready

2009-07-05T22:43:00.002-05:00

At this very moment I have come to the conclusion that I'm ready. Yeah it's a lovely thing to be ready. I'm ready to love, to be responsible, to take ownership of all my past errors, and present short comings, to give, to receive, to listen, to be heard, to stop running and face my fears in all their forms, to walk into my destiny with no restraints, become the woman God created me to be, to create the written work God gave me on paper for the word to read.....

I'm ready for all ready has to offer......

Still Working it Out...

2009-07-01T21:44:00.002-05:00

I wish I was still working out as in exercising! While I kinda still do. I walk every morning for at least an hour. It's not just a causal walk either. A very brisk walk. It def makes me sweat! And then a feel much better afterwards. But the work I'm talking about is work! This newsletter is getting tedious. The editing portion is a lot of work. My eyes get tired and then I just wanna stop. Then I realize that I gotta deadline.

But I guess it pays off! I gotta adjunct faculty position at the local community college. It's only one class but it's a start. I gotta get my feet in the door. I'm one step closer to reaching my goal of teaching full-time at the college level. I'm giving myself two years and then it's off to a new started so I can begin to pursue my doctoral degree.

Things are still going well with the Old Flame. In fact I just got done talking to him. He is planning another trip down to see me next week. I'm getting excited about seeing him. The distance really makes you more excited to see someone. It's funny because my older cousin is in a long distance relationship and we are always talking about it. His girlfriend lives very close to me and we have been hanging out lately and getting to know each other. If I was at any other juncture in my life, my early twenties or even mid twenties, I don't think that I would be able to handle this relationship. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of talking. I mean a lot of talking. So many things get lost in translation. To talk with someone face to face means sooo much. Facial expressions, slight gestures, and other body language mean so much. And besides I love looking at his body....oops that's another post! But this relationship is really making me. By that I mean it is really showing my true characteristics and also exposing some areas that I want to work on.

Patience is not my thing! I have a hard time waiting for some things, when I want to see him, I want to see him. The fact that I can't see him every day makes it that much more difficult and the need for patience arises! Patience comes into play with certain topics of conversation as well. For instance today he talked about his car! OMG I have no clue about cars. But I so had to pretend that I was interested. An occasional, "oh" and "really." Then I would drop, "babe what does that do?" LOL I was totally not in the conversation. I was hearing him talk but I was so not listening. So I need conversation patience too! Now don't get me wrong, every conversation doesn't have to go my way....that's why I need conversation patience!!! So I'm still working it out!

Oh...my summer goals...well they are still goals!

I'm Backkkkkkkk!!!

2009-06-25T10:09:00.002-05:00

Yes, after a week of recovery I'm back. 100%. Thank God for docs & medicine! I'm not one of those who look toward "natural" healing. Hey, docs have a purpose on this earth and I am going to make sure they fulfill it! And that's what I got insurance for. I still have no clue how I got sick. Maybe it was a bad sinus infection, (that's my self diagnosis!) who knows. But I'm all good now. No more infection!

So I can't believe June is over. and I have only read one book. I am sooo disappointed with myself. This is not a good summer. I have yet to write for pleasure. My poor book is being abused. At this point I don't even know if I will get to it. I am still working on the district newsletter. I should meet my deadline on that with no problem.

The book....I read Sapphire's PUSH. I read it in a day. It was short. Definitately had my attention with its creativity and approach but it lacked in the substance to me. The storyline is absolutely powerful but I felt there could have been more depth to it. I finished the book asking a lot of questions that were not answered in the novel.

The others....I picked up a book of prayers, which I try to read two a day. I really like this book. I also have The Alchemist by Coelho and some other book that I found on the clearance shelf at Barnes & Noble. Hey, it's by a black guy and it was 4.98...had to give it a shot. Some of my favs have been on the clearance shelve.

By the way, Barnes & Noble is like heaven for a nerd like me! When I pull into the parking lot I can feel my heart begin to race. I wanna take all of the books home with me, I mean ALL the books! I never walk out of the place with more than one book. And this visit I bought four! But back to the original....feeling better, need to get back on track with summer goals, relationship with Old Flame is going strong....it's good to be back!

I'm Sick

2009-06-16T15:39:00.002-05:00

Ain't this crazy?? The weather gets nice and I get sick. It hit me all of a sudden on Sunday, itchy throat, ear ache, and some itchy eyes. I thought it was just my allergies or sinuses so I just chilled out. But Sunday I didn't even get out the bed! Called the doc on Monday got in that morning and guess what...got a viral infection in my throat and ear. It hurts like hell! I'm so so tired, so tired! LOL So I might be out for the count for a few days. Been drinking vitamin water, surprisingly its really good! I guess Black Mamba (Kobe) and The Chosen One (Lebron) know what they talking about....

It's A Family Affair

2009-06-14T13:59:00.002-05:00

My weekend was quite eventful. On Saturday my family and I attended a family picnic. Not just my immediate family, I'm talking about my whole family. All the decedents of my great-grandfather and his siblings. It turned out to be really nice. So many people showed up most I had never even meet before. All in all I enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about Old Flame. He's coming in town on Monday. And to make matters more interesting, everyone who knows about me and him keep asking about when he was coming in and all the other details.

I was reluctant to spill the beans, but it all just came running out like water! As I spoke I couldn't believe how I was so excited about him. I thought I had these emotions and feelings all under control, but in retrospect I could see I am really falling for this man! I have never felt this in my life about anyone. Even the men I thought I loved! LOL My feelings amaze when me! I guess it's not until you begin to express yourself in spoken word and hear your own voice that you realize what you have on the inside.

Oh I almost forgot the good stuff!!! So at the park with the fam, one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in a long time gave me the sadididdy...yeah you know the one who thinks she has it all in control and is soooo much better than you!!! Now keep in mind I know her and her husband very well. But he had to refer to him by "my husband" not by his name. And "my husband" is management so I don't have to work, I'm a stay-at-home mom....blah blah blah. I so wanted to say "bitch do I look like I care???" Seriously do you but you in no way gotta be nasty about it! I hate that attitude! She has always been this way toward me. I'm starting to think she has a little jealousy running in her veins! Family---gotta lov'em!

Bland Weekend

2009-06-08T16:17:00.002-05:00

So was it me or was the game yesterday one of the most boring game you ever seen in your life? Of course I would have loved to be court side, but I would have been pissed to be there last night. I do commend the Orlando Magic for fighting hard last night instead of a blow out like game one. But come on! Is this going to be a four game final? I need some excitement . . . in this series that is.

On the other end I could use some excitement in my life. For the last few nights I have been bored. I know it's strange I can honestly say it's been an extremely long time since I have been bored, but last night and the night before I was bored. I was in a silly mood wanting to laugh and be funny but I didn't want to be around my usual crowd of weekend parties. I guess it's the summer blues before I gotta get some work down. I gotta start working on the summer newsletter for the school this week, so I wont have time to be bored now.

I did some painting over the weekend. It turned out better than I expected. I have more paint and would love to paint my sister's room but i gotta prime first. I hate priming. I really hate painting because using a roller makes my hands rough. I know that is such a girly statement but it is true. I loath rough skin of any kind, especially on the hands. Anyway that is so far from the point.

I went to church Sunday and realized I lost something over the last few months. My desire, drive, and determination has been slowly fading. I gotta find it and the only way to renew it is to get my to fortifying my relationship with God.

Maxin' and Relaxin'

2009-06-04T16:43:00.002-05:00

So even though I am done for the summer, teaching that is, I still have the responsibility of working on our school district's quarterly newsletter. I started getting the information together while school was still in session, but there is still more work to do. And in my usual fashion, I am putting it off! Yes I have NO energy to go back to the school to get things done so that I can start putting the newsletter together. I want to relax for a minute. At this point I really don't wanna do any work at all. I don't wanna edit a story, read about the fees for the upcoming school year, change the dates, etc. I just wanna max and relax!!!

In other news, Old Flame and I have been talking on the regular. The more I talk to him the more I can see our future connecting. Yet I don't wanna think to much on the issue because I want my feelings to be genuine and true not contrived and planned. Last week he told me he loved me. I responded, "I know." According to my girl J Luv, that was the wrong response!! I didn't feel like I could say it back, yet. I mean I do love him a lot, but I don't wanna get caught in emotions and dreams. But I really do know he loves me. He tells me and his actions tell me as well. I'm sure one day I will tell him....

Lack of Judgment???

2009-06-02T16:51:00.002-05:00

Old Flame and I have been really working on renewing our relationship and thus far its been going good. I am really discovering why I loved him then which makes he love him even more now. On the flip side I am faced with some of the same issues we dealt with then now. All the big relationship issues I'm cool with, for example, trust, honesty, loyalty, etc. But I really wonder if he is ready for a relationship. I don't want him selling me big dreams. sure it all sounds good, don't just be a talker, be a walker. I'm at a point in my life were I'm ready to settle down and enjoy one man in my life. I enjoy playing at the moment, but pimpin aint easy, ya heard! It's so hard to explain my feelings because I they are everywhere at the moment! Which is so not me. I'm trying to pull back find my focus and make sure my emotions aren't making the decisions for me.....

Neti Pot

2009-05-21T09:43:00.002-05:00

So my aunt decided it would be a good idea for me to try this old technique of "cleaning" my nasal passages in order to breathe better, yada, yada, yada! I the little nose tea pot and follow the directions. Instantly I feel like I'm drowning! I know its funny as hell! I panic and drop the stupid thing in the sink and all it a D.A.Y. (gotta say it all spelled out!) My eyes are red and my nose is burning and I can't breathe! This was my second tine trying this thing. Needless to say either I don't know what the heck I'm doing or I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I sleep horrible last night! I was so congested, I tossed all night---damn neti pot!

But this morning I got to thinking...you know I feel the way my life is at the moment--congested! We only have final exams left and I am have been up to my eyeballs grading those last papers and assignments. The last three whole days have been spent in meetings that last allllllllll day. I haven't been able to get what I need accomplished. Then I go home to work on the basement. I spent the last two nights painting, which I don' mind. But I might change my mind cause I can see a callous forming on my hand--damn! Gotta get a manicure now! Can't have rough hands--I'm a lady!

I'm just ready to be done with everything--work, home renovations, people, everything! I know most people say, "your a teacher you get the whole summer off!" Damnit I deserve it! People have no clue how exhausting it can be to work with teens and their issues and their parents, especially their parents. I don't teach a subject that I can leave at work--I teach English, specially writing classes. All I do is grade papers! Now I'm not complaining, I LOVE what I do and would not change it for the world, but damn I'm tired!

I Normally Don't Do This....

2009-05-09T22:51:00.004-05:00

RARE POST

I really don't blog on the weekends. Usually it's during the work week in between classes and grading papers. But today I have had enough! For the most part my weekends are relax and calm but today was a new one! I have had an attitude from hell. Seriously. Pure devil created! I sleep well last night, got up early this morning, got dressed and went to make a run and then the levees broke! As I walked to my car I noticed the garbage was everywhere! I normally put the garbage can in the garage because I live in a wooded area and the raccoons love my trash. But I didn't take the trash out. A friend who was over last night took it out for me and I specifically told him to put the can in the garage after you put the trash in it. Guess he didn't hear me. I had to pick up trash this morning! Felt like I had to scrub my hands 15 times. I was soooo pissed! When he called me I had to calm my rage and tell him in a kind voice--"hey if you so happen to take the trash out for me again and you be sure to place the trash can in the garage?" I guess my kind voice worked cause he was apologetic.

Oh but it doesn't end here. I get back home and Old Fame calls. I had just made me some breakfast and was ready to chow. I was excited to hear from him, but then he went there! I'm asthmatic and the cool air can sometimes do funky stuff to my breathing so I was wheezing when I answered the phone. I give him the spill and tell him I gotta get in to see my doc cause my inhaler ran out. Then he started fussing at me about it. I flipped out! I am so tired of people telling me to do this and do that, call here, so see this and make an appt for that! Get off my ass!!! He was just icing on the cake..our "spat" escalates and we both are pissed. He says bye I say so what! And we haven't talked all day! I know my rage was displaced.

But wait it gets sweeter! The construction guy for my basement is taking his effing time and did not show up yesterday. Now I understand that time is money! I am so frustrated with him I could scream! By 6PM he had done a 360 and so much had been done but that doesn't take away the fact that I am pissed at him.

So I needed this blog today to calm me down and to release the red and take in the blue.

What a day!

Being a Better Me

2009-05-08T14:06:00.003-05:00

So I haven't been the best person I could be. (side note--have you noticed I tend to start each entry off with the word so?? Kinda funny to me being the English teacher and knowing every time I do start my sentences in that manner they are not complete sentences, only fragments, more specifically a dependent clause--relies on the other portion of the sentence in order to function properly--I know the nerd in me comes out every now and then.) I made it up in my mind at the mid of February that I really wanted to make some positive changes--the annual clean the closet. Get rid of some of the people who mean me know good. Make better financial choices concerning my house, education, and general spending. Concentrate on my writing. Make better plans when it comes to my daily teaching and the PR job. These are just a few areas I really wanted to focus in on. And as I reflect back, at this moment I'm not being the best I can be. I know we all have the tendency to be much more harder on ourselves than we should but this is not the case.

I gotta step up my game. I'm totally off my square and in this day and age one decision come be a costly mistake. I do give myself some credit with my house. I got the roof fixed--had a horrible pest problem--damn raccoons, and the work on the basement started last week. Of course I had a major push in these areas to get the work done--my family! My mom and siblings are moving into my house. She works for a Fortune 500 company who is doing rolling layoffs and things are tight. She tried putting her house on the market but it was just not going for the price it should--damn housing bubble--so she is renting it out. I am happy that I can be in a position to help her which I know she would do for me. We choose her house to rent out because only minor repairs need to be done. Mine on the other hand, needs a few major projects--renovating the kitchen and bath the top two. Our overall goal is to get both houses in market condition in the next two years so we can sell them and buy a large one together. Secretly I'm hoping that my time in Midwest IL will be over by then and I can sell and get the hell outta dodge! Warmer winters have been calling my name in the distance....shhh...I can hear them now........Tiffany....Tiffany

I can also give myself some credit for my job. I have gotten much better at organization and keeping my lesson plans together...at this moment it may look appear to be true looking at the mound of crazzap on my desk! But to my defense I just made the mess today! I'mma clean it off before I leave school...looking at the clock I had better hurry because the bell rings in 15 mins!!! (Not gonna happen--I'll stay late---maybe!) I use the say system for my high school kids as I do my college courses--a syllabus which is planned out a month at a time. It seems to keep me on track.

Now is where I have fallen off....money, money, money! I can be honest and say I didn't take after my mother's frugal and budget mind! I tend to spend whatever I can. I have very little in my savings and if something catastrophic where to happen today I would be screwed. Seriously! I maintain well but I have got to get a reserve. I think I need shopper's anonymous--really I do. And I'm being honest at that. I don't need an occasion to buy..I just do. And I don't buy all the time for myself--my family, friends, etc....I know there is a root to this issue but I have yet to figure it out....

So at the end of the school year I would have to grade myself with a D- I firmly feel the negativity of the money issue outweighs the positives I have done....I have got to become a better me...

Counting Down the Days

2009-05-07T11:27:00.003-05:00

In ten days I will be driving to Minnesota to see Old Flame. I'm so excited about it and a little nervous too. The nerves come because I haven't seen in so long. Of course I've seen pictures and he looks the same, a little bit buffer, but the same. But to physically get to see me and in person be able to talk to him is going to feel soooo good. And of course maybe the other thing might happen!!!! I went out and bought him a gift; some Ed Hardy cologne. It smells soo manly! I knew it was the one, not only because I liked the smell but because it did something to me! I instantly felt exotic!

But I have soo many feelings and thoughts running through my mind right now, I can't even focus or make sense of it all. I just know that I am going to take my time and not rush into anything...

Summer Plans

2009-05-04T13:49:00.002-05:00

I know it's quite a bit of time away before it can officially become summer--but I'ma teacher and I plan ahead! This year I really wanna focus on doing what I wanna do--seriously the past few summers have been while a challenge with my brother's death, then grad school two summers in a row. So I really want this one to be special. So here is what I have planned:

#1 Work on my national board certification. National board certification would allow me to teach at any school in the nation plus they give you a stipend of 5 grand for the first 5 fives you are certified. Because I wanna get my Phd I think this is the best option. I would love to attend UNC at Chapel Hill. They have the number one English program in the nation. But the likelihood of me getting into that program is slim! On GP imma go for it, but I am not expecting to be accepted into the program. I know that sounds crazy, but it's a sense of realty to me. I know what I can and can not do! But I am willing to try! So my back-up is to go to UNC at Greensboro! In the end, my degree will still say UNC!!!! So in order to make sure I would still have a j.o.b. anywhere I go, I gotta go for the National Board Cert. The best part of it is I have a few friends to go through the process with me. We can do a projects together so I'm really looking forward to it.

#2 WRITE!! Yes I gotta get the fingers clickin'! Since my class graduate class I haven't wrote for pleasure (which was August). I have a novel that has been in the works for about five years or so. Started in college and then used part of it for a creative writing project in grad school. My professor loved it and told me to seriously pursue it...so I'm gonna take her advice and get to writing. I plan to spend the summer writing no matter where I go, my laptop will go with me! I know that writing can be my bread & butter if I work it right!!! I'm a firm believer of the Word..God has given us all the power to obtain wealth!!

So there are my summer plans...

When Will You Call?

2009-04-29T12:52:00.002-05:00

I've had enough. I usually call, but being that he may have been sleep I sent a text. I broke the rules, I know. The topic alone deserves a phone call versus the text, but like I said I've had enough. For the last week I have been going rounds with Old Flame about calling me. Granted, he does have a busy life, barber school 9 to 5 five days a week, then he goes to the studio to help local artist produce tracks. Sometimes he doesn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. Then on the weekends he has his son. But that is still is not an excuse. What's five minutes to say, "Hey how's it goin?" or what's a text to say, "I was thinking of you?" I don't care how long it is that we talk, all I care about is that we talk! It can be in the car on the way to the studio or right before you go to bed to say goodnight. With today's technology there is literally no excuse why you can't keep in touch with someone. The lack of effort is the reason why most relationships don't work.

So I sent a text that expressed my feelings, I keep it clean--for the most part! But hey I had to get my point across. I lead a busy life too, but I still make time to call him every chance I get. In the middle of the day while my students are reading or taking a quiz, I send a quick text. On my way to tutor I make a quick phone call. I try to let him know that he does matter to me. But this behavior is starting to remind me why we "didn't make it" while I was in college. Granted it was college, but he would always say what he would do and then it would never come to fruition. I blew it off to age and immaturity...but is history repeating itself? Or am I just being a plain bitch about it? Am I being too needy?

I really wanna make it work with him and see what it could be. I have "shed" myself of my other relationships just so I can focus in on him. I have been so open and honest with him about the relationships in my life and all that jazz. He asked me to do something for him and I did it, just so we could have a better chance. But I still question, when will you call....(by the way, those are the words of a Bilal song!!)

Love Locked Down

2009-04-27T13:50:00.003-05:00

In keeping with my songs that surround my life, I was given some rocking news this weekend that I have yet to address. Though I'm not at liberty to give specifics my generals will allow me to share to the gist of the situation. So I call Old Flame on Saturday morning as I waited outside the nail salon to get my toes re-done. Yeah, see--quick sidetrack--I took my babygirl (a former student who I mentor) for a little ladies night out. We went to the nail salon; she got her nails done, I got my toes. The person who did my pedicure was not my usual cause she was booked solid. So I went with this other person and it was so-so. I didn't like the way toes were polished and the design was janky. Look like I tried to do it myself. I would have made them redone them, but we were headed to the movies and I didn't want to be late, babygirl really wanted to see Obsessed (personally I thought it was waaaaaaay too overdone and dramatic!) But I was determined to get my money's worth. I pay for a good job and I expect one. Now make to the real story--So I'm waiting for the place to open up and I give him a call to shoot the breeze while waiting for the place to open but not so much....

He immediately begins to rattle off information and my head starts spinning! He's like I gotta be completely honest with you about some things. I know you may not approve of what I am going to say, but I feel you have the right to know this information.....

Then he hits me with a bomb with the immediate effects like Hiroshima! I wanted so much to flip out but I knew I couldn't. It's nothing that changes the way I feel about him but it could cause issues with us being together.

So until this "matter" that he has gotten himself into gets resolved, I gotta keep my love on lock down....I mean I do really love him, but I love myself more...

Circle of Songs

2009-04-22T14:20:00.003-05:00

I spent the better part of the today administrating the ACT to our juniors and boy am I tired! They tested from 8 to 12 and then went home. I wish I was able to go home! But of course, I gotta teach the rest of the day, which is a hard ass task! ACT is so strict. I was not allowed to do anything but watch the students and read directions from the supervisor manual. There're only so many songs I can sing in my heart to occupy my time. The one that replayed throughout the hours was Dixie Chicks Cowboy Take me Away. I know, I know. How strange, right? But I love the Dixie Chicks, especially this song!

I got hooked on country by my freshman year roommate, Megan. She was a huge country fan and loved NASCAR--now, slow your roll. I can't watch a car run around in circles 500 times! But some country music is quite alright by me! So as Natalie--the lead singer was jamming away in my own personal concert and her bandmate Martie was killin' that fiddle or violin or whatever its called I got to thinking...my life is just a circle of songs. I guess we all can make the same claim, but I never really thought about it. I mean I gotta major love for music, though I lack musical talent..not a singer, or a musican of any kind (little kids choir at church doesn't count!).

The chorus....cowboy take me away, fly this girl high as you can into the wild blue, set me free oh I pray, closer to heaven above and closer to you....was on repeat in my head I thought about the plethora of issues going on in my life and the songs I could apply to them:

Old Fame possibilies...Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away"...he totally could be my cowboy and take me away!
Former FWB (now minus the b)... Club Nuevo "Lean on Me"...I have come to the conclusion that when he was at his low in came into my life and I helped to restore him and I am at peace with it. Our season was moderate fall weather, perfect for a nice watch watching the leaves change!
My fam (mom, brother, sister)....Sly and the Family Stone "Family Affair"...they will soon be moving in with me. I have a two story with a huge basement, plenty of room for all of us. In this financial mess, we need each other! My mom is experience some temporary layoffs and I am MORE than willing to do whatever I need for my mommy!
New truck! Yes I am itching for a new ride! I would love a Cadillac Escalade EXT. I know I would be the envy of many people....Jill Scott "Hate on Me"...I just might get it this summer! But most likely not! But it's okay to dream, right! (more like lust!!!!)
Today I miss my brother! Yeah I sooo do. I wish I could visit heaven for a moment just for one last hug....Sting "I'll be Missing You" I miss every step he has taken, he breath that went through his body. I really do! I never question why he had to die, I question the means of his death....no one deserves murder.....(a little teary eyed now).

Mutual Respect

2009-04-20T10:52:00.002-05:00

So this weekend of one of the best yet! It felt so awkward but at the same time it was amazing. My fwb is no longer my wb. It's strictly f--friend. He has found a chick that he is totally diggin and I am sooo happy for him! It all started Saturday during a trip to Walmart...

Me: So what if I find someone that I really like and wanna have a committed relationship with, would you be cool with that?
Him: yeah--have you found him?
Me: I dunno--maybe.
Him: that's love! I wanna see you happy. you deserve someone who will make you happy--i think i found her.
Me: REALLY??
Him: yeah..
Me: (super giddy with excitement) Yay! that's good! Tell me about her?

With a huge grin he begins to tell me about her. And there it was the official disconnect that we both needed. I have so much more respect for him. He was so real about the situation and about her. Then I told him about old flame. And he listened and then grilled me some more about him.
We spent all of Saturday afternoon having real talk about each other and our new relationships. I even helped him pick out a gift for her! Our conversation even carried over to Sunday afternoon. He told me all about his date and asked my advice on some things.

I know most folks aren't going to believe me when I say we do have a mutual respect for each other's lives and the direction we have chosen. We both know we wouldn't work in a relationship. We are seriously on two different levels in our lives, but we gotta solid friendship and I like it this way. I know for sure that I am ready to move on with my relationships now. I am ready for love in a better way now. Love not just based on sex--my favorite band says it so well....

I'm Ready For The Thangs(That You've Been Talkin' Bout')
I'm Ready Won't Chu Shine(And Remove My Clouds)
I'm Ready For A Place(Safe To Park My Heart)
Cause Lonliness Now In The World Is Off The Charts
I'm Ready For The Way(You Wanna Rub My Back)
I'm Ready For What Happens(After In The Sack)
I'm Ready To Quit Playin'(Cause I've Had Enough)
I'm Ready For This Boy And Girl To Rise In love

I'm All Ears

2009-04-16T12:56:00.002-05:00

As I listen to my station on Jango....currently playing SWV's song Weak...remember that one? It was as my grandma says a jam! And it still is..anyway I can't help but to think about my old flame. I talked to him last night and something wasn't right. I could hear it in his voice....

Me: So what's good...you okay...you don't sound right?
Him: I'm good...how was work today?
Me: Work was work...but seriously are you okay?
Him: Yeah
Me: Okay...I respect your answer so I wont ask again but I want you to know that whatever it is Im here to listen. I mean Im concerned about you.
Him: Baby you dont have to be worried...Im good now. so work was work huh?

(FYI After 7 "Ready or Not" is playing right now...now that was a cut!!!)

So the conversation went into another direction and I left it alone, but of course I wasn't satisfied with his reply. But Im learning to respect what others say at the same time I wanted him to tell me what was bothering him. It took about 5 more minutes for him to finally tell me what the deal was. And after some long pauses in between him finally getting it all out, I was content but a little irritated. I mean what is the deal with men and sharing??? Is it really that difficult?

Personally I dont have a problem with telling those around how I feel. I am under the impression that I should be able to express myself in a rational and respectable manner to anyone. I dont really "bite my tongue" for anyone which could be blessing and a curse at the same time! It kinda runs in my family. We some sharp tongue people! But im working on it! I swear!!! But back to the real story. I just dont get why he wont have told me about the situation before hand? I would not have been so worried about him. I didnt care about the reasoning behind the situation. It wasnt detrimental to our relationship!

I think I was more upset because he didnt tell me than about the situation. But I couldnt let it show. It was the right timely for me to go on a rampage! I had to focus on my guy and let him tell me about how he was feeling.

So why is it so difficult for me to share? Maybe its past experiences, childhood, something. But whatever it is I dont want it to ruin what we could have.....so Im all ears....

So I was thinking...

2009-04-15T11:32:00.003-05:00

So since my last post I have been doing some serious thinking, not to much to make my head hurt but some it does have some depth. I'm pulling back from my fwb. Yeah, I gotta call it quits. He called the other day and I could hear in my own voice the lack of enthusiasm building. Previously I was always glad to hear from him, now its like, whatever dude! It's totally personal and all about me now. in retrospect, I yesterday was the first time in about a week that I text him. I even went a few days without a phone call. He called me a bit pissed that I hadn't called him. But doesn't my lack of calling say it all??? So I'm go ahead and put this one to bed, well not to bed literally....

On another note, I found out my favorite band of all times, Mint Condition is playing in St. Louis next month! I WILL be there! Even if I gotta go by myself! I CAN NOT miss a MC concert! It has been so long since I last seen them. Since I found out about the concert, I have been playing their latest CD, E-Life, nonstop. In fact I'm singing a song in my merry little head as I type..."the very thing that made me love you, is the thing pushing me away, now..." I have been addicted to Mint Condition since I was in the 6th grade! Yes the 6th grade!!!! Yep 1992..first album, Meant to be Mint, first song I heard, Breakin my Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)...what memories!!! I have owned every album...back then cassette!!!! Now the collection has turn to CDs! At any rate I could go on and go about Mint Condition! But I'll stop while i am ahead!

So I really need to get back on the workout grind. I repeat this thought in my head everytime I think about the sexy ass tattoo I would love to get on my upper back....and it carries me for a week at the most! But seriously I'll be the big 3-0 this year and what a great gift to give to myself than a tat! I gotta love for words and would love to get some on my upper back, but I'll be damn if i take my shirt off and let all the jelly jiggle in front of some tattoo artist as it looks now! NO SIR! I'm my biggest fan and my worst enemy......all at once!

Have I said it lately that I really hate my job? Not that I don't love what I do..teaching is my passion. I was so born to do the damn thang! I do it well, might I add--but this 9 to 5 Monday through Friday is soooooo for the birds! I need flexibility! I have this Master's degree and have yet to see it really work for me! I spent umpteen dollars at a private university to do nothing with it...what a frustration sometimes...patience is a virtue I have yet to learn...so I really don't "hate" my job I just want something different, I guess......

So summer's knocking at the door and I wanna go soo many places. I have to go to ATL for atleast 2 weeks. My cousins have a new house and it would be great just to chill and do nothing for a bit. Then of course shop and shop and shop and shop. Being me I gotta so do something educational as well....I'm such a nerd! Last year it was the aquarium (did you know Mint Condition has an album entitled Life's Aquarium???) this year maybe Coke Factory and some MLK stuff. I think my fam (Mom, brother, & sister) will be heading to FL this summer. Mom as a friend who wouldn't be using their condo at Sand Pebbles Resort so we might take them up on the offer. $700 for a full week! We found some cheap flights, ($150 round trip) so we will see what be comes of it all.....

I think that is all I've been thinking about...

Oh by the way...did I say I have tooooo many papers to grade???

What's A Lady To Do???

2009-04-13T10:11:00.002-05:00

So I have recently connected with an old flame and things are going......welll....kinda of...good but at the same time I am a bit lost! Upfront I am not the type of chick that likes the whole dating multiple dudes. Quite frankly it gets too confusing and tends to create drama. My mom is convinced I am going to have a domestic dispute one day! She told my best friend, who is a police officer to be on call this week (the old flame is coming to town!). I laughed at it! After last night part of me is wondering if her experience and wisdom knows something I have yet to see.

I told her that my fwb is not wanting a relationship. To me we have no real connection. I can barely hold a conversation with him outside of the the bedroom! No sparks, chemistry, nothing! Real talk, he just does the deed, ya know! But last night he was being a little possessive. Like I had to be with him, keep calling and texting, etc. He was soooo persistent about talking to me. Even though he says that he doesn't care what I do, part of me sees that he does. So what do I do?

My old flame knows about my fwb and he's well.....how can I put it.....concerned! He thinks that I am emotionally invested in dude, but I know I am not. It's good but not everything I want. I can give it up to know that I could make it work with my old flame seriously. I will take the total package any day versus a small portion of the total man! But old flame wants me to be real about the situation, which I can respect.

So do I get rid of the fwb?

Welcome Back!

2009-04-02T12:58:00.002-05:00

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)

Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot,

welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Ok, ok, so I'm a little too young to have seen the original episodes of Welcome back, Kotter but I did sporadically catch some of the re-runs over the years. As a kid, I had no clue why they were welcoming Kotter back. But after awhile I caught on...teacher returns to teach a group of "unteachable" students at his Alma mater. The irony is that he was one of the original members of this specific group, the Sweathogs. But it so fitting for my life at the moment, well the song that is.

I get a email from my high school BF and all it says is call me 612-xxx-xxxx. Immediately I'm a little star struck. My friends have always joked that no matter where I go or what happens he seems to "find" me. We dated on and off, you know high school love, from my junior year to freshman year in college. Then he moved away to Minnesota. After I graduated college, I was driving to my mom's house and who pulls up behind me, well him. I hadn't talked to him in about two and a half years. We briefly conversed, brought each other up to sped and said we would keep in touch. Well that was about six years ago, yes I said six.

Awwww..I'm getting those feelings again from high school. I remember when he wrote that first note, talking about how he saw me in the hall with my girls and didn't want to approach me cause of what my girls might say. Yeah my girls were wild back in the day! Two were very popular, I mean everybody in the school knew them and one was very vocal, and I mean vocal. She was quick to speak, and fight might I add! So I can understand his hesitation.

But we both are at a different point in our lives. He's a man now, gotta 6 yr. old son, a career. I'm a woman now, just finished grad school, gotta career, ready to go back to school again, and I think I am ready to settle down, ya know. I am getting restless with "playing." Ready to move on to a new level in my life and my relationships.

So he and I have responded through text messages few a minute. This morning at 6:45 sharp I got a text saying "good morning." I'm no expert nor to I wish to delve too deep and add meaning where none exist, but I believe he was thinking of me. And guess what, that made me smile!

So welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.....

Where Have I Gone???

2009-03-23T14:57:00.003-05:00

So I have totally been neglecting my writing in the last few weeks. It has been forever and a day since I last blogged and honestly I don't know why. My guy Mr. Lovely even texted me this weekend and asked about why haven't I been blogging. I told him I ran out of things to say. The added email from Shawn really urged me to write today. Seriously I don't know why. This syndrome is not only present in my writing, it's in my job and my other activities. I have no clue what it is or how it came about. My normal routine is to work my ass-off to grade papers, plan my lessons (a month in advance might I add), edit my school's newsletter way before my deadline, and then do all the other stuff I do on the regular i.e. tutor, kick with my fam and my friends, etc. Now its like I have no motivation to do any of it. I so what a new surrounding; new job, new house, new car, semi-new friends (maybe just associates!!) and a new city.

It's not that I am not content with my life. I am eternally grateful but I feel like I have been in this place--which I can't define--way too long. I told my cousin yesterday I think I'm ready for the next big thing in my life, love. Like real love. But unlike Mary I am not searching for it.

Maybe I lost, ehhh I don't know. But whatever it is I gotta get over it like the Flu. Gotta find the combination of remedies to rid myself of "this place." Whatever it maybe called, I don't wanna be here anymore....

In the Moment

2009-02-18T13:51:00.004-06:00

So I'm still on this ponder of the benefit of my fwb. I've determine that the reason we are fwb is because both of us really ambiguous about our relationship. Sure part of me likes him for relationship potential but like I mentioned last time, the other half of me doesn't want to work for it. Anytime you have sex with someone feelings get involved. Come on now, we grown. Feelings are in a vital part of everything we do, no matter if we want to admit it or not. But here's my thing: can I just be in the moment?

So I'm in the car with him and he is on the phone with one of his friends. Personally I can care less who he talks to, but can I be the moment? Seriously, if you are with me for the moment, lay your other chicks on the side for the moment. It's rude to be conversing with her when you in the car with me or just in my mere presences. While I'm in your moment, I don't cloud with the other dudes in my circle. I render what's yours to you, at that moment.

I know it may sound kinda like jealousy but really it's not. Like I said, I don't expect to be the only one in his world, but I don't expect to share my moment. I don't share his moments with anyone. If my phone rings and it is another dude, I send it to voicemail. If I get a text, I might reply and say, hey I'll get at you later but that's it.

I guess to me this is a rule of fwbs we need to make clear. I only get a few moments anyway so let me enjoy it!!!!

M.I.A.

2009-02-16T08:34:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since my post. I don't know why, but it seems I have run out things to say! Is that even possible? Again I dunno! But I have been working hard...grading papers and assigning more papers to well, grade! What an exhausting circle sometimes. I get so "busy" with school (that's what I call my job, school, because I learn just as well as the students do) I forget to do the things that I find personal satisfaction in. School even took up my weekend. The Vice/Versa Dance was on Saturday and I had to chaperon. Yep 3 1/2 hours of straight standing was sooo enjoyable! I couldn't help myself to bust a move. The kids love when I dance with them. Little do they know this chick has a hard time staying on beat. Really I do. LOL It's humorous, really it is! I love to move but dancing has never been my thing. But again I dance for the kids--Tiffany love the kids! My moves got me in the school's yearbook last year. The kicker--my girl supervises the yearbook and she let the kids this huge ass picture of me as the dominate photo on the page! Her rational--"The kids wanted to put it on the page! They just couldn't stop talking about you!"
Part of me doesn't believe her. Secretly I know she got some satisfaction with my mug plastered on the page for 1100 kids to see!

But it didn't hold me back this year--I got down--school appropriately.

My FWB wanted to take me to Chicago for the weekend, but I couldn't go because of the chaperon thing. I liked the jester but then again I don't know if that crosses the FWB line. So are the benefits worth it? I mean are FWBs overrated? Or is just me? I mean he's cool and all but he is definitely not someone I want to spend to the rest of my life with. I don't wanna work that hard. I mean we have sooo many differences, religion mainly, that neither of us are willing to compromise on. We respect each other but don't agree. Sometimes I don't even bring up things because I know we disagree and I don't wanna make it a "I gotta prove my point" issue. I choose my battles carefully. He bought me a Valentine's Day gift. I think he got more excitement out of giving me the gift than I did receiving it. It was cute and thoughtful I have to admit, but honestly it wasn't "me." Normally I would have that conversation, "Thanks, but..." but this time I just might let it ride out. He's crazy about sneakers so I bought him a pair of Nike's. Nothing expensive (I'm a DIVA always on a budget!) but there were hot--silver metallic and white--nice! See just that, I bought him something I know he would LOVE without a doubt..maybe it's a girl thing--pay attention to the small details. He says after the 4 months we have been, what's the right word, ummm "knowing" each other he knows me. But I don't really think he does. Again maybe knowing me doesn't too much matter because he is a FWB.....

Get ready for love...

2009-02-06T11:25:00.004-06:00

One of my students made my morning much better. We're talking about arguments in my Comp. 111 class, more specifically appeals to needs and values. I assigned the students to bring in an advertisement and determine what need did it appeal to. check this one out:

Not sure if you can read all the print, but pay close attention to the center "Let us tell your X how you really feel!" LMAO As if that was not enough check the lower left hand corner: One dozen DEAD roses & jumbo card with each delivery!

Have a great day!

Game of Survival

2009-02-05T11:09:00.002-06:00

Today I worked through an exercise with my senior students that teaches on the Toulmin's concept of the warrant (Toulmin says three parts of an argument; claim, support, and warrant). The warrant is the assumption or general principle that leads us to make a claim. So this exercise asked you to take a list of 11 people and narrow it down to only 7 who would survival as the last people on earth, place the list in order of rescue and your reasoning for choosing this person. The text gave a brief description of each person--like Mrs. G: 28, ninth grade education, cocktail waitress, former prostitute, single, was married at 18, has son (Joesph).

It was amazing to see who the students choose and why these people versus others on the list. No doubt we have all completed an exercise like this before, but it got me thinking. I had a difficult time creating my list. I weighed the options and then questioned by own assumptions. But what if I can take this same principle and apply it to my life. What do I really need to survive? Is all the unnecessary really necessary? Why do we choose things for temporal satisfaction when we really know we want more? Am I really making the right choices for survival?

I can remember my senior year in high school I told this girl's business to the ENTIRE English class, yes the whole class. Though it was truth doesn't mean I had the right to say it. Because of that I lost a friend. John and I were so cool, but when I did what I did it hurt him. I didn't get a chance to apologize to John but I did to DeeDee. And that made her day! She thought I absolutely hated her. And I felt so guilty. Since that incident I made it a life lesson to check my motivations and never intently do anything I would later regret.

The principle carried me through college and afterward but now it's like I got buckwild and forgot it! And I tell myself that I am surviving. My material success aligns to the survival--house, cars, career, education, and some money left over to spurge on shoes! But have I missed it somewhere? What is "it"? Am I playing the right game? Is it really about survival? Maybe my principle's need to change.

It's obvious my assumption about life as created a faulty claim lacking real support.

Chasing Payments....

2009-02-03T13:39:00.000-06:00

My friend Art hooked me to this amazing 19 year old phenom Adele and her song "Chasing Payments." The girl is tough! I have always been a major music fan, I mean MAJOR. I love all types from country to heavy metal to rap to Latin to vocal jazz to gospel...I love it all. But of course it has to have a message. I can't get with what I have dubbed, "basement" music. You know the kind that sounds like you and your friends pressed record/play on the tape recorder messing around in your parents basement. (LOL at myself and the crazy things I did back in the day!) At any rate I don't have to name specifics, you know who I'm talkin' bout!

So music speaks volumes to me. A language I can't live without.

Here are her lyrics:

I've made up my mind, Don't need to think it over, If I'm wrong I am right, Don't need to look no further, This ain't lust, I know this is love but, If I tell the world, I'll never say enough, Cause it was not said to you, And that's exactly what I need to do, If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere, Or would it be a waste?Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?Should I give up, Or should I just keep chasing pavements?Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up, And fly around in circles, Waiting as my heart drops, And my back begins to tingle Finally could this be it

So I'm wondering why do we chase pavements? Empty lonely roads that lead to more desolation than peace. Are we gluttons for misery? Or hopeless fools hoping hope will desperately appear? Or is it that we chase these pavements like yellow brick roads in search of home? A heart? A brain? Courage?

What gives? Maybe it's the chase itself we hold on to. The fact someone is chasing us or are we chasing them??

So I Been thinking.....

2009-01-30T15:07:00.000-06:00

I know its scary! Even gives me shivers. But I have been thinking:

Why do ALL of Keysha Cole's songs sound the same? I mean done to the all the music being played in the same key! Every song is a remake of the previous release.....something something....I remember when I loved you......something something.....I should've cheated...something something....sent from heaven....something something....love never knew what I was missing but I knew when we started kissing.....something something....if he ain't gonna love you the way he should then let him go....
Why in the world does my jaw hurt? Seriously from back by my ear to chin it aches. I really need to get this checked out!
When did 20% off become a sale??? Circuit City is going out of business and people are flocking to buy items with 20% off! WTF??? We in a recession you gotta come better than that!
I saw something amazing today: A black women bought a welding school! Yes two of them! My jaw dropped (maybe that's why it hurts!) She used to be a motivational speaker for the company and when she heard they were looking to sell she went for it! Ain't that something? I was so blessed by her story! Do yo thang Ms. Debra!
When is ready ready? Seriously..when do you know you are ready? Does it depend on the situation? Does it depend on time? How do you decide? For instance, I say I'm not ready for a serious relationship (at least that's what I told "20") but do I really mean that? How do I know when I'm ready? I say I'm not ready to move out of the state, but I wanna go so bad. I am just being anxious for a dream or am I truly not ready?
I gave a test to my sophomores today (over some short stories we read in class and the appropriate terminology that goes along with the stories). Gave specific directions..."please take your notebook out and place it on your desk. Turn to the next blank page. Complete your test in your notebook. Do not tear it out when you finish. Keep it in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when you complete your test. Again do not write on my test. Write your answers in your notebook and turn your entire notebook in when your finish." Notice how I repeated myself using different words but the same meaning. Just in case the first time was a bit difficult to understand. How many didn't follow directions you ask? 2 of the 12. Damn damn damn!!!!
Why is it so hard for me to keep my desk clean? I mean seriously! Monday I started off well. No "stacks of undetermined papers" on the side. All filed to my right in the correct folder and place. I actually had a clear space where I could grade papers. I dunno. I really dunno. Where did I go wrong??
I am proud of myself. I am able to help my step-mom and dad avoid foreclosure. They both recently lost jobs and now are in a tight spot (like many of us) and I had what they needed! That makes me feel so proud. To be able to give when it is most needed makes my heard glad! I am actually making a difference....*smile
So why didn't I get the memo that the color dark night is navy blue??? I thought it was black---not! When its really dark at night all you see is black! Not blue! I ordered a long sleeve from a store on-line to wear under my work polo and the damn thing is navy blue. I guess it doesn't look too bad under the royal blue polo??? At least I think it doesn't. But if it did look crazy I'm sure I girls (my friends I work with) would have put me on blast today at round table (lunch)!
Should I get my hair shorter? Last year I cut 8 inches off my locs. They were in the almost to my butt and I could not take the weight of it! Getting all that washed was a mess! So I cut it to my shoulders in an asymmetrical bob. I recently got it cut a bit shorter now I think I want it right to the bottom of my ears. So still a bob but shorter....ummmm something to think about...(shiver)
Today was the most amazing day! In the copy room making copies (lol) and on of the fellow teachers (not my co-worker--cause some of them round here don't "count" me so I don't "count" them) here spoke to me for the FIRST time! On real business! I pass each other every morning and I would say hello. And no response. Maybe he didn't hear me. Next day try it again a little louder. No response. Not even a nonverbal smile, head nod, wave, eye blink, nothing! Try again a bit louder--you guessed it! No response! Now to hell with you! But today ummmm 6 months later he spoke to me. I was stunned! Actually have a bit of conversation about reading! Yes! How kids love to learn how to read and then we get them in high school they HATE school! What happened? Where was the disconnect? That was our brief 45 sec conversation! Wow!
I have been teaching seven years....yes seven! I got the itch...got my master's...it didn't satisfy the itch...gotta get my ph.d...UNC at Greensboro here I come!!!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

It's Official!!

2009-01-29T10:52:00.000-06:00

Pregnant?
Ummmm No.

Engaged?
Nope

New job?
I wish!

Lost weight?
Did I mention Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice cream?

Addicted to blogging?
Yep and proud of it!!!

Seriously I have not had to this much "word" mental stimulation in a looooong time. I love partaking in every one's lives. Reading about personal life to politics truly excites me. The power your words hold resident with me throughout the day. The inspire me, challenge me, make me laugh, and encourage me. Blogging and following the blogs of others was one of the best decisions I have made. Besides it get me to write more!

Keep doing what you do, cause you do it well!

It only takes one to start a revolution....

Dust Myself Off & Start All Over Again!

2009-01-28T10:57:00.000-06:00

So here it is, the last week on January 2009, can you believe it! Well I can't. I was thinking about it this morning and recalled what I was doing last year at this time...well I was working out 4 days a week and NOT eating the Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream which I have become addicted too recently!!! (Damn I get excited about its flavor just thinking about it!!!)

I started off 08 with a goal and worked that goal for 4 months straight! I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I had ever decided to get committed about being healthier. I had lost 30 pounds and was well on my way. But then I got sick, had surgery and lost all momentum! Seriously momentum was out the door. In part because of the surgery but still what happened??? Did I use my surgery as an excuse?

At this point I am still trying to figure out what stopped me dead in my tracks. Though I haven't gained the weight back, I haven't lost any either. So I am trying it all over again. I am picking up my food journal ( a MUST have when trying to lose weight. Writing down the food you eat does wonders on the mind!), hittin' the elliptical, downloading some more good music, and I am off!

I really want this. I will be thirty at the end of the year and when I turn 30 in December I wanna say DAMN look at me! I did what I said I was going to do!

Though I won't make it the focus on my writings, I will def keep you updating on my progress.

Mark the calendar for Feb. 2 2009---I'll be a rebel WITH a cause!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution.....

Update on the 20...I Think I Broke His Heart

2009-01-21T11:54:00.000-06:00

So I am getting asked about the guy I meet back in December who was supposed to have left earlier these month for California. Well as the use of the past tense verb in the previous sentence suggest, he didn't leave. Which is a good thing on his part but moving on to "us." Well here it goes...a few weeks ago I shared with him my feelings about the progression of "us." I told him I wanted to slow down and get back to some important things in my life I started slowed started to neglect when he came in my life. It was not an act of selfishness but one of love....for myself. I started to notice how infrequent I did things that I purposely placed in my life for balance, self-awareness, and joy. My attitude changed. I was getting frustrated by things when normally I would not even give that thing the time of day! Most importantly my lack of actions was getting noticed by the people I love, family and friends.

Now dude is a good dude, but like us all he got baggage and issues that I can't help him with. Things he gotta deal with on his own. The same with me. Nobody can make the actions you need to help you; you gotta do the footwork!

So that is where it is. We talk every now and then. We really don't "kick-it" strong like we did in the beginning. All of the choices I made I'm cool with.

Though he say he is too, his actions show otherwise....he is real short with me now. Like if he calls me...yes if he calls me and I ask a simple question like "have you spoken to so-in-so?" He instantly snaps out! His body language has changed and everything. Believe me, you know when something is up!

So I think I really hurt him, though his man pride is refusing to be real about it. I think he really likes me and was hoping "us" would evolve into something more. But at this point, I don't want more.

So I'm thinking I might have to totally cut loose.

It only takes one to start a revolution.............

Responsibility of Woman

2009-01-19T15:12:00.000-06:00

One of my idols, yes I have idols, Mary J. Blige has a song entitled, Feel Like a Woman.

I want you to rescue me.Take me from this misery.Put your arms around me bay.Hold me close, please hear me say.(Ohh)You really gotta hold on me.(You do)Right here is where I wanna be.(With you)Boy, there's something I want you to do.Cause tonight I wanna...

Chorus:]Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna compete)

(I just wanna be the only girl that you need)

Feel like a woman. (Boy, I want you to be everything to me)

(Don't wanna be deceived)

Feel like a woman. (I don't wanna fuss and I don't wanna cuss)

(I just wanna feel the love from both of us)

Feel like a woman. (Now I only wanna do what you tell me to)

(Won't you show and prove)

Feel like a woman.

That is only a snippet of the of the lyrics but you get the point. But my question is does a woman really want to man to make her feel like a woman??? Seriously?? Think about it for a long minute. In a modern world where the modern woman is "independent" and proudly proclaiming "I don't need a man" does the modern woman really want a man to make her feel like a woman?

I had this conversation with my cousin, Mookie, last night and he is baffled at the fact that most Black women say they want a good man but they reject the good ones to keep the bad ones! This conversation got me to thinking, what is the responsibility of the woman? Does a black woman really want a man?

I have come to the conclusion that Black women have been shorting themselves....hear me out now. We say we want a good black man but we are not prepared to be that woman that the black man needs. Society has already placed so much pressure on the black man and he needs a woman who will support him not question his manhood. I know many of you are not willing to go here with me, but at least hear me out. The black family has been totally destroyed. Children are growing up without a vital start...having both parents in the home. It is important to have both parents because it creates a structure that gives birth to more structure. But with only one parent it is hard for the child to understand how a family is supposed to be. Girls grow into women who think that they have to be everything and do everything and find it hard to let a man really be a man and be the end of the household. Boys grow into men who have no clue how to be the head and be a man cause they had to example of manhood.

So what do we do? Once we know there is a problem then we must to work to change the family structure. As black women we must begin to look inward and ask ourselves do we know how to be a woman? Not just independently take care of yourself but allow someone to take care of you. This may mean to keep the peace by not questioning your man. Allow him to make the decision and support him even if doesn't work out as well as planned. Take the side seat by being the supporter and helping him shine in all he does. That's being a virtuous woman---making sure your man is the talk of the town cause he has everything all together. There is no simple over night remedy to the issue. It's a deep one that may be causing us our life. So we really gotta stop pointing the finger at our white sisters for "stealing" own men and take a look at what is going on within!

I didn't write this be be popular or cause a uproar...I'm just speaking my mind. Giving my take on the issue. If you disagree, I'm cool with that.

It only takes one to start a revolution....

I Miss Loving Something...

2009-01-16T13:30:00.000-06:00

Those were the words my girl recently said to me. We were chatting on yahoo and the conversation turning to our passions. I told her that writing is my passion that I have "lost" since my brother died in '06. I haven't been giving it the attention it deserves. Then she said she loved singing and she said..."I miss loving something." Those words cut straight to my heart.

When was the last time we said and meant, "I love _____!" Not just used the word love to describe our overwhelming feeling of pleasure, but really had to deep connection to those words we released into the atmosphere. When was the last time we did something we loved and didn't even have to tell anyone we loved it, cause it showed in evey fiber of our being! That intense fire was almost tangible to those who were in your presence. You inspired them and you had no clue.

Yeah, loving something is that good!

So find that passion that stirs your heart and love it.

It only takes one to start a revolution.....

Ballin' on a Budget

2009-01-09T11:23:00.000-06:00

Unfortunate for us the economic climate in the US is pretty dismal. Folks are losing their jobs and homes throughout the nation. But I refuse to feel ANY anxiety during this downturn. Why? Worry and stress will absolutely add no relief to the situation. Instead I will focus on what I know of a certainty--God's peace. Never underestimate the power of peace. Beginning at peace with a situation goes far beyond a sense of calm and comfort. It is a sense of knowing. Having faith and knowledge that no matter what may rise against you, God has got it all in control. Now don't assume obtaining peace will be a simple task...think twice...most good things are never simple. It takes you to step out of the natural and trying rely on what can't be seen--your faith. I have faith that I will make it...and guess what? I have!

So I don't focus on the negative report, but I do try to make wise choices, thus ballin on a budget! Instead of our usual dine out of Friday night, we cook at home--nice meal depending on the taste of the day--and then grab a watch a movie at home or go midnight bowling! I am horrible at bowling, but that is the fun of it! Or how about getting together with your girls and each one of your bring your favorite homemade dish to share. Instead of spending five dollars plus on lunch--pack one! Life is made up of choices--let's make better ones!

Besides, life's not about the money you spend but the moment you share......

It only takes one to start a revolution, so start today!

You should let me love you....

2009-01-05T14:46:00.000-06:00

I love the song by Mario, You Should Let Me Love You. Though the center of the song expresses his desire to untimely love that woman who needs to be rescued from her ill love choice, when I listen to at this moment--it's playing right now on my playlist--I hear so much more. When is the last time I really loved myself? Followed my own desired to be fulfilled? Looked to purge and seek self-healing? Maybe it's the new year. Maybe it's the stress from the job. Maybe it's just my own soul yearning to be heard throughout all the madness surrounding me. I say I am at peace at this moment in my life. Though I may not be in the best position in my life, I refuse to stress myself with should've, could've, would've--I can alter nothing with stress! But maybe I do need to tighten the reigns a bit and truly take care of me.

By no means am I considering being selfish--far from. Society tells us when we choose to focus inward we narrow our view of the big picture--not true. If I am just a mess myself who can I help?? Granted I will never be in a position of perfection, I can still choose to be my best. And as I move further into that process I can then move to help others.

My complexity has be wanting to be in multiple places at one time, which is an impossible feat. So I must choose to lay aside the weight of others and carry my own cross for the moment. It cannot be buried any longer; for I keep making treks back to it and over looking it. I must face it head on now, and love it in its totality for it is all of me.

So I gotta love me. Such a complex task, but thank God I have been equipped to handle it and I don't have to do it alone!

Welcome to 2009!

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution....

P.S. Yes 20 days are up! And he did not leave for California....that's a discussion for another post!

Long time coming...

2008-12-31T11:28:00.000-06:00

So its been quite a while since my last post and glad to say some new things have definitely come my way.

1. I'm officially closer to 30 than I'll ever be! Yes 29 yrs old! I would think that I would be flipping out over being 29 and not have all the fairytale wishes a girl plans in her teenage years---but I'm good. Yes I say that with confidence, I'm good! Like wine, I get better with age! I guess that is my new tag line!!! I realize that what I didn't have at 21 or 25 I now have at 29. I'm learning to understand and appreciate my value and worth as a beautiful black woman. I have chosen to be confident and patient. Too character traits that normally clash with each other in the modern world. But the two combined are a force to be dealt with!

2. I'm done riding the wave. Yes this is a good thing! Some of you may ask what the wave is, but that's for me to label and for you to appreciate metaphorically! I mentioned the wave in earlier post though. It was cool while it lasted. I'm grown enough to know when enough is enough and that two opposite directions can't move in the same way......

3. I'm progressing well through the grieving process. My brother, Taurus, was shot and killed in 2006 and I thought the world stood still, but to my dismay it didn't. I forced myself into work, and graduate school but now I am learning to deal with the grief instead of submerging it. I am facing it head on and that's a good thing.

So its the last day of 2008 and in review I can truly say I enjoyed 08. Like everyone there are some things I wish were different, but I can handle the fact that they are the way they are and that's cool. I don't have to be this superwoman in order to deal with life and love the position that I am in. I plan to take 09 month by month.

Remember it only takes one to start a revolution......

20 Days

2008-12-10T14:32:00.000-06:00

So I found out last night that the guy I'm crushing will the leaving for California in 20 days! 20 days! Yes 20 days! Secretly I'm flippin out. At first I didn't think twice about but last night when we got to talking about it, reality hit me square in the face! I keep it to myself because I refuse to be selfish. I am under the impression that some things are better left unsaid. I don't want him to change his life for me. Do you, boo! If the move is what you need to better advance yourself and your skills, I am all for it. Maybe these next 20 days is all we are supposed to have.

I almost make it seem like its the end of something, but in all possibility it may be! I am definitely lavishing in the moments.

I know this is a short post, but I had to tell somebody!!!!!

New Job

2008-12-07T18:18:00.000-06:00

So at this point I am totally loving the blog! Thanks Arthur for turning me on to the blog! I love writing but have found little time for my craft and blogging helps to clear my mind and for me to be reflective and connect to something real. So this week I have been considering applying for a new job. I love teaching but I am tired of the high school drama! I want a new circle, a new challenge. I think I have the seven year itch as educators call it! Can't stay in one place no more than seven years...time for something different. I would love to teach at the college level, specifically at the community college. I found a few openings for the 09 school year relatively close to me and I am going to begin working my resume and other requirements. So what's the problem, you may ask??? Well I love the people I work with at my current job! I love the kids, I love being a strong woman of color in a predominately white school. I love giving students an experience many of them will never have again in their life as white children, a black teacher. Yet the dichotomy is that I am the ONLY black teacher in the building! Yes, the only one of a faculty and staff of almost 100! I'm accustomed to the situation considering I was one of the limited numbers in my high school and college--in fact I was the ONLY black student in my college graduation class!

What the hell!!!! Just typing that right then almost made me cry!! Look at what I have experience. Thank God I have a job where I can pour my experiences and lessons into others!

Anyway--I love the high school I teach but hate the politics of it. I am so tired of athletics taking priority over academics, the 15% of students who seriously have NO home training, and no change! Change is so important and there is so little of it. Why do we look at the situation, talk about it and then do nothing! ugh! That's another blog for another day!

So I'm off to the next stage of my life: a new job---wish me well!

She Got Her Own Thang...

2008-12-05T11:21:00.000-06:00

I'm known in my circle of family and friends as Mz. Independent: single, no children, educated, homeowner, etc. I'm praised for what they characterize as going the extra mile to accomplish my goals. But is this a blessing or a curse?? I recently meet a guy, Trent, who told be a few days ago that is what he likes about me--that I am not waiting for someone to hand me success, I choose to go after success for myself. I was amazed. Sure I hear it from my friends and family but they are friends and family. To hear it from a man is completely different. I can remember the times when guys would not give me the time of day because they were intimidated by what I quote on quote "have." What am I supposed to wait around to find someone and hope they share their pie with me!! I want my own damn pie! Now don't get me wrong, everybody needs somebody. I am a firm believe we were made for companionship and relationship, but at the same time we are individuals. I want to be known for having my own passions that burn fire in my belly. And support you in what you love to do.

Though the concept is changing, we still have the image of Independence confused. Sure Independence is about being self-sufficient, yet self-aware to know when pride has been elevated too high. Yes I do want a brotha to share my world and I share his, but that doesn't mean I must sacrifice my individual goals and dreams. I say we can have it all!! I'm aware enough to know success means nothing when there is no one to share it with!

Truth is....

2008-11-23T14:20:00.001-06:00

So one her first album, (do people still say albums or am I dating myself???) Fantasia dropped the single, Truth Is. Just so happen I was listening to my playlist and that song came on.

Ran into an old friend yesterday

Caught me by surprise when he called my name

He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past

Talked for a while, asked him how it's been

Said that he was seeing somebody and

Told me this was gonna last

Showing me her photograph

And all the feelings that I thought were gone

Came rushing back to me at once

Tried to smile and hide the way I felt

But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you

(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes

(Truth is) And when it's all said and done

Guess I'm still in love with you

(Truth is) I never should have let you go

(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know

(Truth is) And when it's all said and done

Guess I'm still in love with you

When I heard it I instantly thought about my high school flame, Carthell. I think I still love him??? I use question marks because I am really trippin about this one! I mean do you ever really stop loving someone? Honestly I can say I have only really loved a couple of men in my short life, one I am completely over but Carthell, I don't know what it is about this dude that he is always on my mind! I am trying to rationalize every possible reasoning behind my feelings. Maybe it is that I infatuated with the idea of what could be if we were to get back together...or maybe its the idea I know he loved me when we were together. Real talk I know he loved me for me no questions asked. Maybe that's the deal. The ideal of his love being real is what captures my heart and makes me want he again! So maybe I didn't get over him. Maybe I am still in love with him?

In my short years, finding real love is not an easy task in 2008! It seems like I am not coming in contact with those men who want something real, not commercial and artificial. I am not saying it has be to a committed relationship. I am open to almost anything, almost! Friends first is my motto. No matter if the relationship is casual , temporary, or lasting in permanency, I want it to be real. Being a grow(ing) woman means I can accept the things that come in my life for a moment or a life time with no hard feelings whatsoever! Regardless, I'm ready for the next big thing or person in my life.

I am at a stage in my life where I am really thinking. Seriously I think about each step I make and why I make it and my intentions for making it! When I time has expired I don't wanna look back in regrets for anything! I wanna say I took ever opportunity to love, live, and grow!

Our Work Is Not Done Yet!

2008-11-15T11:07:00.000-06:00

Wow...I know, I know Obamania is still surging strong! But, in all seriousness can you blame'em? Change is always worth the hubbub! As a Black woman, I never imagined seeing a Black man as a president; not because it was never done, but in part because the fact that racism still exist. People it was only 40 years ago that the Civil Rights Movement was in full swing. My mom is 49 yrs. old! I am four generations removed from slavery! Yes we have come a long way but the work is not done yet! We did nothing if we think getting Obama in office is were the work stopped! Don't get me wrong, it was amazing to see so many people voting, but why so late??? How can you be in your 30's and this is your first time voting? What a mockery to our grandparents for being lynched, burned, and beat for just trying to register to vote! People we have to get out and do something now! We have no excuse. Now it is really time for the real workers to get out and work! If we continue to let our neighborhoods go to hell, what was the purpose of being a part of making history? Change means change---doing something different. We must go beyond ourselves and help change the world!

Hurt Feelings

2008-11-02T20:32:00.000-06:00

So this past week was a crazy one! One day I was on top, the next ready to quit quick!!! It's crazy how one moment the wind can be in your wings gliding you through the clear blue sky then you run smack dead into a tree and your caught. Can't move. Stuck. In life we expect these situations to arise...those who expect a clean and clear path don't expect to gain. I know the road, not matter which one it is, will never be easy. But I never expected the ones who are supposed to help me and encourage me on the road, are the ones who set the spikes for my flat! I was truly hurt this week. How do we move beyond hurt? True hurt that stings for more than a day or a week. How do we pick back up and get back on the road? It's been five days since the incident and I still feel the pain. And I had to work with the person today with an activity. I had to put on a happy face and go on despite my hurt feelings. And I did it. I took the low road of humility and stayed and worked through the 3 hour event. But I am still hurt! How do I move beyond??? Will I be able to get make the "me" again? Or do I have to evolve into this new being? I don't have all the answers. And I don't know if at this point I can willing to apply an answer to my problem.

It's amazing how our feelings can be the bane of our existence. Through these feelings we can love and create some amazing relationships yet, at the same time we can fall so hard that we don't get up again and never try to create again.

I am trying to move and do again. But when will I?

The Disease

2008-10-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

Are you constantly inconsistent? Overwhelmed by the mounting " to do" list? Can't see past your cubicle walls? Sounds like my life at the moment! My dining room table has become the "catch-up" for all every pieces of mail delivered to my house. I have consistently refused to be a good "housekeeper" and thus the mountain before me seems too hard to climb! How did I get here? I openly ask myself this question and secretly repress the screaming answer on the inside! At some point I decided if I didn't deal with it, whatever that "it" may be, "it' will take care of itself. Now I need help from others in other to get out of this jam! What is a girl to do??? I'm sure I'm not the only one in this predicament! So I gotta get a game plan to get back on track! I think I have recognized my "Problem" now I need to get a solution to it. I need medicine to heal the disease! Please give me a prescription! Maybe I have the cure to my disease.......just maybe...

The Journey Begins as it Ends....

2008-10-05T17:37:00.000-05:00

I'm a virgin! Yes I said it and I am proud of it! I'm a virgin to the blog! After much encouragement from a good friend, thanks Art Nerd, I am officially taking the plunge. I have decided to dedicate this blog to my rebel feelings stirring on the inside. I am not quite what the outside world views me to be.....in my innermost being I yearn for a revolution. Yes a right out war against the machine. What is the machine you ask? Whatever ill that plagues...at this moment my desire is to revolt against the dream killer---the machine who told some young boy or girl there is not place for him or her in this wide world. That the gift and talent they were born with has no purpose and is worthless! Rebel--Lauryn Hill said it best "while today is still today choose well--" I choose to fight the machine. It only takes one to start a revolution...so I start now. One can impact many and many millions! So my journey with the status qua ends and my revolution begins....I begin to dream again. Believe in the impossible and see the intangible. I dream so I can get others to see their own vision! Welcome to by blog!