Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Dangerous Memories

I see this post as continuation of the previous three. They all were birthed in the same conversation. I guess I am still feeling relationshipy. And by right, I should. But I'll save those details for another day. I have more pressing matters, this post, to explore. Yet those details will make their way into this post in a manner of speaking.

One of my favorite artists is MJB. Yeah I have this fascination with her music and I always have. I own every record (yeah I just dated myself by saying record!! My family refers to all music as records. Movies as pictures. Motorcycles as bikes. A lie as a fib. Several other oddities exist, but I’ll stop here!!) she has released. Her music is so full of life's issues positive and negative. As an artist, she has allowed her listeners to see her life through her music. One song in particular, is most befitting for this post. Reminisce, from her debut album, What's the 411?. The chorus goes as follows:

Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had
Let's make the time tonight while the feelings right
Reminisce on the love we had

Like I said, MJB my girl, but reminiscing is DANGEROUS!! If it is no longer together, it probably didn't work. Why try to recreate something that's broken? I'm going to take the leap and say there's most likely a great reason why you are not together in the present. Maybe you need to remind yourself of that fact first.

See the problem with these memories is that they can be ultra deceiving. Shallow memories of past loves tend to focus only on the blissful moments. It becomes Hollywood dreams: holding hands in the park, tender kisses, gentle stares, long stimulating talks, blah, blah, blah. You know good and well that only lasted for 2 months; the rest was restless frustrations. We tend to gloss over the heartaches we are still trying to recover from. Those hard memories tend to be buried in our forgetting allowing us to temporary desire the past. These memories are dangerous. We simply can't live here.

Really, you can't live in the past. All roads in the past have been deemed hazardous. The yellow's a pale unrecognizable muted white brick. It's overgrown, sprawled with thistles and thorns; it simply can't be navigated. Why risk your life for something you cannot change? We cannot continue to live our past. We cannot allow our past experiences to (1) define who we will become or (2) keep us bound.

Living in these memories keep you chained to a image that really doesn't reflect the person you truly are. Your present picture is blissful. Smell the cherry blossoms; bathe in the warm rays of the sun; love the change you are becoming. Baby your future is sooooo bright, you definitely gotta wear shades....

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Little Bit...When Less Isn't More

I feel all relationshipy today so I thought I would continue another thought one of the the besties and I had. For some reason this bestie and I always talk about relationships. It could be either one of us don't have one at the moment, or I just love hearing all about her dating adventures. I mean she is a dater and her dates range the gamut--one dude who foams at the mouth?? One dude who brings his own coffee to Starbucks, so he orders a Venti hot water?? Yeah bestie has some pretty interesting stories. I could probably blog about her all day. Honesty I could. She always stops mid sentence and says, "oh Tiff you can blog about that." I laugh, but then open the memo app on my phone and swype the idea down quickly. This is one of those quickies...

We've been bamboozled. Somewhere in the exchange less has become better. The less money you have the more help you can get from a system intended to keep you in a system. The less clothes you wear the more exotic you feel and empowered you believe yourself to be. The less he gives, more you believe he loves. The less you hours and days we work, the more we desire. The less time we have, the more we fall away.

In all things, less by no means is more. Less is in fact, well, less. By definition the word less can be an adverb or an adjective which means it can add to the meaning of a verb or describe the degree of situation. But one thing both means have in common is the first definition: [to a] smaller extent, amount, degree. Less is small in amount and degree. We have accepted the small amount of thought as grand and the small about of degree as exceptional.

For instance, in a relationship is has become a common practice to accept less in all categories. The less can be applied to any part of the relationship: less attention, less time, less commitment, less personality, less values, less morals, less responsibilities, less, less, less. In common perception is less is better than none. Yet what one fails to realize that the less is none because all of the lesses (yeah I made up a word--I can do that!!) still never make up one. It is impossible to have 1/3 of anything and still be considered complete. No, it's not done; it's not whole. It's not one. You can't add particles to get a crumb and why in the world would you want just a crumb? I'm baffled.

Honesty, life is more than piecing crumbs together to make a meal. When funds are in between and groceries low, this is MORE than acceptable. But when you are dating and looking for something everlasting, an erroneous grievance has taken place. Even in your temporal pleasures, which we all grow out of, be honest, you don't what a piece of a anything. You most likely wanted the whole but gave in to the less just to be able to say you had a small portion, i.e. less. No one is every completely happy in a temporary situation because it was not made to be permanent. It was never intended for you to capitalize on that moment and grow roots. It can by as a, as my girl Queen says, this ain't what you want, situation--walk away!! Every person on our path is not meant to be our travel companion. Say hello and keep walking.

The norm has become the acceptance of less because we don't want enough anymore. It used to be that if we couldn't have it all we would walk away, worth and value still in tack. But now we cling to less. Devalued, broken, and completely lying to ourselves.

The gig is up. The cover is blown. Until I have more, I want nothing at all...

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Soldier Knows the Battle of the Heart is Not Easily Won...

In light of my last post, I gotta come clean. This will probably be the most personal blog I will every post. I had a near 2 hour conversation with one of the besties last night and it was so enlightening. Through discourse, I discovered I was lying to myself. So here's the story:

I have this amazing guy friend, "N." When I say amazing, I mean amazing. (They say if you say it twice it's really true!!) He's the first guy that I can have a serious no holds bar dialogue with. I mean we don't hold back; if it's happening, it's fair conversation. He understands and challenges my complexities and then constantly reminds me I deserve more than I sometimes allow myself to believe. My list of loves about N are quite lengthy: his intelligence, genuine care, confidence, and importantly how and loves and cares for his daughters are just a few. It's almost like I have been waiting for this friendship my whole life. The connection is not simple; it's more. Yes more. Anything that you can think of in a friendship add more and you got N. Of course with the more he is the more I want to know about him. He's super onion--gotta peel those layers back delicately.

As I spilled all this info to the bestie her attentive ears hear what I couldn't. That's the thing about a lie; sometimes it takes the vision of others to see. As it is said, "the eye cannot see itself but by some means of reflection." She was my reflection. My truth. Maybe I have more feelings for N than I allow myself to see. As bestie puts it, I prefer to take the limit of friendship rather than take the potential risk of relationship. I'm comfortable in the friendship zone. I chose to keep my "other" feelings in the other column. I prefer to keep the friend. I don't want to label this and gain a loss. But bestie says if I take the risk and it doesn't work then I deserve the right to release and move on to make myself available to opportunities.

Now my heart isn't naive. I know the chemistry is mutual, the extent, I'm not sure. But sly tongues in conversation has revealed the heart's intent. But will it ever be? Do I honestly want to lose N with because of a label? How come I can't keep the imaginary line in the sky and stay on this side? I am by no means waiting for N to make the transition, as well I am not pushing the transition. I believe in the natural progression of things. It may happen, it may not. The question thus becomes will I wait and see??

The probability of N reading this blog is beyond the 90th percentile, but honestly I don't think I'm revealing anything he doesn't already know...

Saturday, September 17, 2011


So wrong is wrong. Really there are no degrees of wrong. Just like a lie. A lie is a lie. No matter how you spin it, or where you tell it; a lie is a lie. But you wanna know the worst lie you can EVER tell? Drum roll please....the worst lie you can ever tell is to yourself. Yep that's the monstrous fault. No matter what it is you are lying to yourself about--your weight, height, social status, emotions, etc, lying to yourself is absolutely the danger zone.

The moment you have to lie to yourself in order to justify your actions or the lack there of, you have alienated all truth. I know you hear me speak on truth often, but it is a major principle missing in the heart of the 21st century. Understand the truth exists despite one's refusal to accept it; it's always there waiting for your arrival. We have adapted to justification of lies as the new black. We are without a doubt excuseless in our negative actions because of the power of choice. We have the ability to choose this day whom we shall be and become. It's all a matter of choice.

The power of choice is the common denominator of human kind. Despite our background; rich, poor, brown, cream, short, tall, round, slim..we all have choice. The moment we justify lies or negative actions we disseminate the power of truth. It becomes hidden and hard to find. It fades from the eyes, shaded by slime; the buildup of lies. It becomes like searching for new pennies in the mud; you can't see it, you may know it my touch, but you aren't quite sure.

Like any negativity, the magnetic force of lies grows and draws other lies near. In other words, when you tell one, you gotta tell another. Lying is the fastest way to ruin any relationship. And when we lie to self, we create a disconnect within. You sense of reality, of possibility, and as earlier mentioned truth. Your confidence becomes this false sense of reality only stroked by lies. You become depend on the false to create what you believe to be the truth. I know it sounds like I'm talking in circles, but that's what a lie does--move in circles making NO forward progression. Caution--major, major danger!!! Life is meant to go to a destiny. It is impossible to reach destiny if you are lying to you.

I'll be the first to admit my faults. I don't make 100 everyday--some days it's a good 90 others times I range in the 75%..hey I'm being honest. That's the beauty of life. Folks love you when they can see you...and surprisingly you can love yourself greater when you can see you too.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dating The Real You

I had an interesting conversation on yahoo IM with a friend today. She asked a random question in the middle of a dialogue about actively reading. The question was something to this effect: "Is is okay to order endless shrimp on the first date?" At first I was prepared with my polite statement.."ummm I don't think that's a good idea.." But then I then I realized why fake the funk??

Seriously think about it, why create an appearance you have NO desire to keep up??? I don't know about you, but my time is precious and I have no desire to add extra work into my already crowded schedule. I mean I don't see the point of endless shrimp anyway! One meal is plenty, but that's not the point of this post.

I know there are people under the impression that you must put your best foot forward in the dating world. I'm sure there're specific guidelines of dating that I am breaking, but oh well. If you want fantasy try another blog! I'm under the impression you have got to be yourself. Maybe that's why I haven't had the best of luck in the dating world! But why go through the hoops to make a impression that is false? I have no desire to wake up in the morning to meet a new person after the newness has worn thin and off when that new person can be himself from the beginning.

In all my learning one of the things I value the most is how I have learned to me. Maybe that's why I'm single. I refuse to be anyone else than the real me. The me with the good, the ugly and the in between!! I'll just stay here and be the real me, even if I means I walk alone for awhile.

Friday, September 2, 2011

My Daddy

At the beginning of month my mother and I drove to ATL to visit my dad. I was excited to see him, but not that excited to visit ATL in August! Maneee Georgia in August is a heat box. The sun burns through the skin with vengeance!!! But my daddy is worth it all.

I wish I could say that my relationship with my dad has been the greatest, but truth be told it has had its share of valley experiences. My dad moved to Georgia when I was about 6 yrs old. I rarely saw him. Throughout my childhood I wondered why I wasn't like other kids who had dads. It was something my young mind couldn't understand. It was like as I grew the concept of a dad grew further away from me. I saw and heard less of him and of his side of the family. I wondered why no one ever cared about the great things I did in school. You know the moment in 4th grade when you won the essay writing contest and you look in the crowd hoping to see more than just your mom's bright loving smile. You know the moment at graduation 8th grade, high school, when you look in the group for a familiar old face only to be disappointed--he wasn't there. My mom and siblings were the only people who showed up at my high school graduation. That night I truly cried like I had never cried before. It was almost a confirmation of my loneliness. I clearly remember I was supposed to go to my friend's graduation party that night, but I didn't go--why--because I couldn't stomach her happiness. Her entire family was there supporting her and mines couldn't even pretend to care.

Yep that's how I felt and it has taken me years to heal and hear. Hear the truth of the matter and accept the consequences of life choices. The truth is, I can't blame. My dad made his choices at that moment and so did I BUT I have the choice not the stay in that place of hurt and angry if I so choose. I cannot grow in one aspect of my life and be dead in the other. Impossible. To grow meant I had to reach out to my dad with a clear and willing heart open to love in spite of, yes in spite of. The hardest thing to do is to love someone for who they really are, not who you want them to be.

Of course I wanted my dad to be dad in my life, but it at that moment he couldn't I still had to love him. And I do. I love my daddy. I won't replace him for the world. I take it all, because all if has gotten us to this wonderful place we are today. We have a loving, growing relationship. I try to make it to Georgia at least once a year to see him. We both look forward to those moments. We talk on the phone at least once a week and never end a conversation without saying I love you. The beginning was rough, the middle mushy, but the right now is amazing! I'm 31 yrs old and head over heels for my daddy.

I have new memories to replace the old....driving 45 mins. to This is it! just for some of their amazing bbq chicken and peach cobbler only to get lost on the way back because Dad fell asleep while I was driving!!! He keep telling me to drive straight...I just laughed when he woke up and we both had NO clue where we were!! Me telling Dad I was going to go out with my cousins and him look at me with sad eyes...I called my cousins to tell them I changed my mind...I was staying home with Dad tonight. Me telling him I wouldn't be able to make it to Georgia this summer. He said he understood and that he loved me. A day later I was ringing his doorbell. He answered the door with the biggest grin on his face I had ever seen. He was speechless with excitement and frankly so was I.